jackofallgeeks: (Nevermore)
So, I'm twenty-four years old. I've earned both a Bachelor's degree and a Master's degree. I've been living on my own more-or-less for the last 6 years. I own my own car, manage my own finances, and I'm in the middle of buying a house. I don't consider myself "an adult" yet (a discussion for another time), but I also certainly don't consider myself a child.

I was at my parents' house this weekend. At some point before I got there, my parents had had a disagreement of sorts, and at some time after I arrived they had an honest fight. Now, this doesn't really surprise me, in one sense. In fact, it's perfectly reasonable that any two people will at times have misunderstandings and arguments, that feelings can be hurt and tempers can raise. I've seen it first-, second-, and third-hand for years.

When I heard mom and dad fighting, though... I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt like a scared little boy. I went up to the guest room, closed the door, and tried to read but I simply couldn't concentrate. I wanted nothing more than to curl up and cry.

It passed, mom and dad came to an understanding and before dinner everything was back to normal. I was struck by how deeply it had affected me, though. Even then it felt like how I imagine a small mid-west town feels after a tornado strikes, and house later I still wasn't quite back to my equilibrium. The very foundations of my world had been shaken. And like I said, I'm not some child; I'm a grown man who understands that his parents are real people. And even at that I was cut to the quick.

I think, maybe, I've never really experienced my parents fighting. If they fought when I was younger (which I'm sure they must have, to some extent), they either kept it to themselves, behind closed doors, or I simply succeeded in completely forgetting the incidents. Judging by how I was affected by it at my age and with my experience, it's no wonder that little children can be so traumatized by what, to their parents, is "only a little fight."
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I am going to miss it here.
I'm going to miss Laurel and Tom and Jonathan and Chris and Bruce.
I'm going to miss Brent and Haven and the Game Habitat and the weather.
I'm going to miss my housemates, who I really like even if I never get to hang out with them.
There's a lot that I'm going to miss when I get out of here.

But the thought of being able to go home is so great that it makes me want to cry.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
So, I was at Mass this morning, and during his homily the priest made a reference to a poem by William Blake, "The Little Black Boy." In particular, he noted that in the poem the black boy's mother says, "And we are put on earth a little space/That we may learn to bear the beams of love," and he went on to explain that the meaning of life, as he believes and as Blake puts it, is to experience love.

I think that through his homily he had the right idea, but when he stated his conclusion he missed the mark; I think he misinterpreted "bear the beams of love." I'm no English major, I've never seen the poem before, and I certainly never spoke to Blake himself, but I don't think the sense is meant to be "experience the rays of love" but rather, "to uphold the structure of love." It says a couple things about me, I guess. First, that I think life is meant to be active, not passive; we aren't meant to just experience things, but to be a part of them, to do things. If we're all just sitting back experiencing love, who's the one providing it? But it also speaks to the fact that I think love is hard, that it takes effort to love and, in fact, that it takes effort to be loved.

Analyze me through that as you wish, but I think it holds.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
So this evening my friend Laurel got in a little fight with her boyfriend. She was irritated, so we chatted about it, and she said that she was upset and I guess was making a point of ignoring him, and he wasn't making a big deal of it. And she said that she didn't know if his not making a big deal of it was helping or making things worse; part of her wanted him to try making up for being dumb, and was irritated that he wasn't putting forth effort.

It reminded me at the time of Anastasiya, and how at one point (and maybe even up through present day) when she would get angry or upset, she'd run away, but part of her always wished and hoped that someone would chase after her. Because, I guess, if someone chased her when she ran, then she could trust that they wanted to be there, with her.

It didn't strike me until now that I'm like that, too. I don't run, but I hide. And I want very badly for someone to come and find me. I've realized that I spend a lot of my time at home sitting in my room, sometimes actively avoiding my house mates -- not because I don't like them, but because I'm really afraid of being rejected by them. I hide because I like them, and because I recognize that I'm of a different sort. I'm always of a different sort, wherever I go, and I don't like rejection. So, I hide; they can't reject me if they never see me.

And yet I sit here, trying to hide conspicuously, hoping that someone will find me and say, "Hey, there you are. Come hang out with us; we like you and want you around." I feel so twelve again, so scared and vulnerable. And in the end this is why people I used to know intimidate me, because they can reject me, and I've no defense to that. I think, reflecting on that, it's why I'm so open on this journal, because it's the same sort of thing: hiding in plain sight.

The thing is, I know it's ridiculous to run hoping someone chases you, to hide wishing to be found. It's what I told Anastasiya before. You can't expect people to play a game you haven't told them the rules to; you can't expect them to know that you want the opposite result from what your actions are aimed at.

I don't want to be alone, but I fear the rejection that seeking company threatens.
jackofallgeeks: (Weird)
Names have always fascinated me. I can't really express how, I'm just really curious about what people call each other, what people call themselves, and why. For example, I call myself Andrew; not just when I introduce myself, but in my inner monologue and whenever I think about myself -- I'm Andrew. Some people, particularly family, call me Andy; it's what I was called as a kid, and part of my thinks that my shift to Andrew was a means for me to move away from "childish things." Not that I dislike the name Andy; sometimes it irritates me when certain people call me by it, but only because I think of it as a rather familiar name, reserved for family and particularly intimate friends. I loath the name Drew. I don't really know why. I'm decidedly not Drew, and I've actually taken offense at being called by Drew, like a knee-jerk reaction.

Because of all the above, I'm always interested in what people call themselves. Here I digress about given names. )

Anyways, I've gone off on a tangent. I meant to talk about Surnames, which now have less and once had more meaning than given names. "Portner" allegedly comes from a German word for a gate guard, or something. It was a profession, like weaver, smith, potter. And here I go off about surnames. )

But here I get to my point. See, I'm a traditional sort of guy, and traditionally when a guy and girl gets married, she would take his surname. Now, this all comes from a long line of patriarchal societies, where the wife would literally join her husband's family, and there were dowry and lines of succession and heirs to determine and all that. If it's your thing, you're free to rage about the injustice of it all. For me, I've always been kind of jealous of girls for having the opportunity to change their names and, in a real way, redefine themselves. As a man in our society, traditionally speaking of course, that's not an option for me. I will ever and always be Andrew Portner, for better or for worse. Not that I'm particularly looking to ditch my name -- I love the family it connects me to and, if nothing else, I have the utmost admiration for my father. I'm just saying, girls can change their names and boys can't. Traditionally.

Now, not everyone it traditional. I'd say 'particularly these days,' but I imagine there were non-traditional people in times gone by; I don't think society can survive without them, really. But these days, not only could I go through the paperwork and get my name legally changed, but a good handful of couples (I don't think they're a majority yet, or necessarily a significant portion, but I don't know numbers, either) are toying with their surnames when they get married. I've never been a fan of hyphenating surnames -- it's just not aesthetically pleasing to me -- but apparently some people have taken to mashing their surnames together Smith and Johnson become 'Smithson' or whatever), or forming their name wholecloth (presumably to signify something particularly important to the both of them). And it only stands to reason that their are men out there taking their wives' surnames.

So, I'm curious what you all think of this. At least in theory -- like I said, I don't think any of this is a particularly common practice yet. So, are people who mash their names together just being silly? Are couples who make up a new surname (or take someone else's entirely) being presumptuous? Is a man who takes his wife's name particularly weak, or she particularly hard-lined feminist? Should we all just stick to the traditional way of taking the man's name, because it makes sense? How much do you really hate hyphenated surnames?

I was going to put up a poll to make it easy on you all, but I couldn't find a tractable way to phrase the question(s). So, please tell me what you're thinking in a comment. Especially if you've made it through all my rambling, as I don't expect many will.
jackofallgeeks: (Dance)
So, I complain a lot. And I worry a lot. It's part of my nature, not that I'm a negative person, but that I work through things best when I can talk through them -- verbally or digitally. So here I'm going to list a few reasons why I have it good:

  • I live in Monterey California. We've got to have the best weather in the entire country here! It doesn't often go below, say, 40 or above 70, we get a nice little rainy season in the winter, we have gorgeous blue skies and we're right next to the Pacific ocean. Really, it's a beautiful place.

  • I'm getting paid to earn my Master's Degree. I'm making about as much as I would expect to make in any standard entry-level IT job, and instead of working I'm getting an education that will easily double my earning potential. Never mind that I'm studying a subject I find both stimulating and challenging, or that for the first time ever I'm excited about my career prospects.

  • My lifestyle is such that I can hang out with friends, buy myself treats, and get my friends gifts without breaking the bank. I can generally enjoy myself without worrying about not being able to pay my bills. A bad month for me financially is one when I have to pay out of savings a little bit because I bought myself a few too many treats, and it hasn't ever meant more than just a week or two of tighter living.

  • I make friends easily, and have friends scattered throughout the country. I'm never particularly far from a friendly face.

  • I have an incredible family. Intelligent, caring, close-knit. I'm on good terms with my parents, and my siblings, my cousins. I consider a significant number of my relatives as true friends.

  • I've been told that people around here -- students and professors -- think I'm a natural match for my first pick of post-graduation employment, a lab out in Maryland.
  • jackofallgeeks: (Deep)
    Another thing Ryan and I talked about last night was the topic of girls. I mean, why not, they're fascinating creatures. The conversation got off on a bit of an... odd fork, though, when after saying he's been with his current girlfriend for over three years and they were planning on moving in together, there wasn't anything "serious" in the works, ie an engagement.

    Now, I'll readily admit that I'm old-fashioned and not everyone thinks along the same lines as me about the way things ought to be and ought not to be. I'm sure I have friends who not only wouldn't see a problem with dating for years on end indefinitely, but would have a problem with me for expecting that marriage ought to come into it at some point. That's fine and I can accept that, and Ryan's bit would have elicited little more than an, "Oh, well, that's... interesting," if not for the fact that he went on to tell me about the time he proposed to her last year. So now we have Ryan with a girl he's dated for years, and is still dating, who he proposed to once. When I asked if the proposal went bad (which, had he said yes, would have been followed up by wondering why they were still together; isn't that kind of a, you know, deal-breaker?) he said no -- she turned him down because her parents didn't want her to get engaged before she graduated college. (I'll reserve my commentary on that for the time being.)

    So, if he wanted to marry her before, and it was just a matter of her graduating (which, by the by, happens in two months now) why nothing was in the works. Had he changed his mind since then? (and, again, if so why were they still together?) And he said no, but he didn't want to propose again so soon because she would be expecting it. And he wanted her to be surprised.

    I think here there are two lines of thought. There's the one line that says that a proposal should be magically romantic, unexpected, involve an expensive ring, starlight, a good story to tell the grandkids. And I think there's a little bit of value in that, sure; I think it's always good to have stories to tell the grandkids. But... I don't know. It seems a bit foolish to me. I imagine that, one way or another, she ought not be surprised by you proposing to her. There's a level where she *should* be expecting it, and if she's not -- if you really are surprising her -- I think there are some issues that need to be addressed in your relationship. It's all well and good to stage something wonderfully romantic for her if that's what she wants; let her have her dreams. But at the same time, I'd be just as happy casually asking her one lazy Thursday evening, "so, do you want to get married in the fall or the spring?"

    I guess 'how you do it' doesn't matter to me quite as much as the "why you don't" -- Ryan was putting off proposing for the simple reason that it wouldn't be a surprise. And that just seems... foolish. If you want to marry her, why would you put it off a day longer than you had to?

    In the end Ryan concluded he was probably just over-thinking it, and that he was quietly afraid that if he did what she was expecting, she might suspect his motives (ie, just doing what was expected of him). Of course, it *that's* the case, once again there are deeper issues that probably should be addressed.
    jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
    So, last night after eating corn beef and having some Guinness with friends, I came home to work on a bit of my research. Very randomly I got an IM from an here-again-gone-again friend of mine (really more of a friend of a friend) from high school, Ryan. We had a pretty good conversation talking about a whole bunch of stuff starting with girls and ending somewhere around religion.

    Along the religion side of things, Ryan made some comment like "unless you believe in an afterlife without physical bodies" to which I replied "no, I believe in the resurrection of the body," which is a line straight from the Apostle's Creed. And with all the disbelief and incredulity one can muster through IM, he said, "are you serious?" Yeah, I said, it's a Catholic thing. I was a little shocked myself that he would have to ask me if I meant what I'd said, though in hindsight I don't think Ryan really knows me well at all.

    That's not the point of the post, though, just the set up. We went from there to talking about how he doesn't believe in the resurrection of the body because he doesn't want an old decrepit body hanging on him for all eternity which itself touched ever so lightly on the meaning of pain. Essentially, he made a comment about pain being completely unnecessary, that "there's no reason for it whatsoever," which lead to me saying I disagreed fundamentally and that I didn't care to argue the topic of pain. So we moved on.

    But I'd like to address it some here. )
    jackofallgeeks: (Integrity)
    This is an interesting article ostensibly about new drugs and treatments for terminal illnesses and the high monetary cost attached to them. But the interesting bit is the philosophic question in the title: how much is living worth? Later in the article, it's mentioned that most Americans want "everything possible" done to "save" their lives. Not I, though. Reasonable medical attention, certain luxuries and conveniences that First World medicine can offer me, perhaps. But when the end of my life comes, whenever and however it comes, I hope to accept it with dignity; I will not grasp and claw to hold onto life beyond my time.

    If you're scared of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. If you've made your peace, the devils are really angels freeing you from the earth.
    -Lou, Jacob's Ladder
    jackofallgeeks: (Deep)
    So, although I haven't quite caught up on my schoolwork since missing that one week at the beginning of the semester (all the work I missed has been completed since, naturally, but I'm still a step and a half behind the rest of the class), that I'm beginning to hit my stride can be seen by the fact that I have the ability and inclination to write posts like this one.

    On my way home from school today, a thought occurred to me: I don't really think 'a lot' about anything, really. I continued playing around with the idea and it's implications for the next hour or two. (And this fact, as might be imagined, made me giggle.)

    Cut 'cause it's long. )

    I'm also really lucky to have the friends I have. More than I ever say, though I recognize the fact at least daily.
    jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
    A telemarketer called today.
    Well, sorta.
    It was one of those people who call around and ask for money. This one was for a Pro-Life group, and it was a girl on the line, and to that I attribute my weakness (both of them t'gether, not just that it was a girl. ^_-)

    At first she asked for a donation of $100. Me being a full-time student, I told her I really had no money. But, she asked if, given three weeks, I could come up with a generous donation of $10. I said I'd think about it, at least 1/2 so she would leave me alone (I've been feeling sick t'day, though I'm feeling better). And so I'm getting an envelope in the mail in the next week asking me for $10. And, I'm really not sure if I intend to give them it or not. I mean, it is a cause I believe in, antways, and I'll prolly feel like an ass if I don't do it.

    What's $10, anyways?
    A pizza. A few nights of Chinese food. A weeks worth of movie rentals. A month's worth of sodas. Approximately 1+1/2 hours of work....

    In the end, I'm sure one of two things will happen -
    A) I'll do the right thing
    2) I'll feel like an ass

    The choices I must make.....
    jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
    My world radiates to me through a computer monitor. It is a land governed by mathmatical equations, which can all be simplified into black and white - yes and no - open and closed. Or, as I like to think of them, 1s and 0s. In a vague sense, those 1s and 0s can be organized into a seies of binary numbers, powers of two, but if you think about it, a computer can't really understand 258, or 64, or 32 - Hell, it can't even understand 2! Just on and off.
    Yes or No. )
    jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
    What do you think of the past? I will be the first to admit that I don't, though, I would say that in a playful, goofy way. That doesn't ALWAYS mean I don't mean it, but I think in this case, it does. You see, it's really that I think of the past quite a bit. Not to the exclusion of anything else, and not more than anything else, but a bit. I'm not known for my memory, but there are the odd events that stand out in my mind. People, too. I don't like to forget people, and I don't know that I ever really have. But then, had I forgotten them, I really wouldn't know, would I? Ponder that for a while.

    Sometimes I wonder if I really want to know the past. )
    jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
    *Sigh*
    I'm feeling outnumbered.
    You see, I've come upon a realization.

    All my friends are metalheads.
    Er, I mean, liberals.

    So Much To Say )
    jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
    Have you ever not said something, publicly or privately, because you "know" how people will react to it, and that's not what you want? As an example, you intended to make a comment on this or that, but you didn't because you were sure that people would feel sorry for you, and that's really not what you want?

    Maybe it's an obscure concept, but I've been told that I'd be hard pressed to find something everyone hasn't felt before. I THINK this is how I feel, but i'm not sure. You see, I'd intended to make this post about an hour ago, but I was determined to get my English reading done. Now, I remember the intent, but not the cause. In any case, it's an interesting point to ponder.

    In Other News )
    jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
    Have you ever been to the point where you're awake, but you don't know why? Where you could go to sleep, but there's so much you could be doing - and you don't know what any of it is? Have you ever sat and stared into nothingness, knowing that you should be doing something, or that you could be doing something, or that there's something to be done - but you don't know what?

    Yeah, me too.

    Have you ever sat and wondered what you're doing? What you're saying? What you're thinking? I mean, literally, what you're thinking. Not 'why did I do that' but 'what is going on inside my head'? Have you ever wondered - really wondered - why you're doing what you're doing, saying what you're saying, thinking what you're thinking?

    Yeah, me too.

    Have you often second-guessed yourself? Found one reason for why you MIGHT do whatever it is you do, but questioned your true motivations? Have you questioned why you feel what you feel, and what it is you should feel? Have you ever wondered if what you feel is really what you feel, of it what you feel is what you want to feel? Or if what you want to feel is what you should feel? Or even if what you want to feel is REALLY what you want to feel?

    Yeah, me too.

    Have you ever openly thought in abstract terms? Questioning ideas and abstractions, without having anything specific for your basis? Have you ever picked apart your own thoughts, trying to find the basic components of what it is your thinking, almost as though they weren't your thoughts, but someone else's - thoughts who's authenticity needs to be examined and verified. Do you often take simple, daily observations and develop general abstractions which seem to fit together, but then, you created them, so of course they seem to fit together?

    Yeah, me too.

    Have you ever wanted to have a conversation with someone, but didn't want to bother with the trivial matter of talking with them? Have you ever wanted to say everything and nothing at the same time? Have you ever rejoiced and regretted the same action at the same time? Have you ever painfully wanted to see someone, and yet feared seeing them again? Have you ever wanted to be two different places, in two different ways, but for the same reason?

    Yeah, me too.

    Have you ever spoken as though you were mired in - something - but you really weren't? Have you ever been up thinking for the sake of thinking, talking for the sake of talking, being for the sake of being?

    Have you ever been hungry and, though surrounded by cookies and chips and bread and soup, couldn't find anything to eat?

    Yeah.

    Me too.
    jackofallgeeks: (Default)
    I was thinking t'night, something I dare say I haven't done in a while. Anyways, it occured to me to ask this - if someone thinks one is 'sweet', will one act in such a way, concioulsy or unconciously, to perpetuate that idea?

    The idea can be passed on to include anything -'sweet', 'tough', 'mysterious' - the general form, I think, would be along the lines of If someone thinks a certain way about one, will one then act in a certain way to perpetuate that idea, and I think that it's a question of whether people's opinions of us define the 'masks' we wear around certain people.

    In a way, it seems to fit with other ideas - it seems to me that people are afraid of change - uncertain change most especially - so it would make sense that if one is comfortable with a situation, they would try and perpetuate it by any means, and it would follow that one's behavior may be key in preserving the opinions of others.

    This, of course, is not nessisarily a concious effort, as I believe many things which go on inside one's mind are not. The basic fear of change may simply force a behavior on one, in the form of subconcious urges, to where one WANTS to act sweet for those who consider one sweet, and tough for those who consider one tough, et cetera.

    Now, obviousy, this creates a conflict, though apparently not a painfully obvious one. You see, it follows that if one is thought sweet by Person A and tough by Person B, and A and B were in the same room, how would one choose to act? This, however, may not be a plausible situation in everyday life simply because those who think a certain way of us are likely to be around others that think the same of us - either from first impressions or because groups of people are generally the same - a Youth Group in one case, work in another, and classes for a third. For some, Dorm Hall may yet be a fourth example. And so people from the same Group, if you will, will have similar opinions of us anyways, and thus incur no conflict of behavior.

    This then brings up the question of one's good friends, those who presumably see one in many different situations and enviroments. It may then only logically follow that these people would know one the best, because the walls of behavior would nessisarily fall apart around them - or at the very least they would see through parts of one's mask, to the person who they know.

    Of course, it may be argued that no one can ever TRUELY know another person, though I would counter that, while this may be the case, I believe one may know another to the point where the difference between the person they know and who the person is becomes negligable. But then, that's not the focus of this post.

    And so, I come to the end of my investigation of this thought, again not truely accomplishing anything. And yet, it's satisfying.
    jackofallgeeks: (Default)
    Pardon my philosophical tone, but I'm awake when I'd rather be asleep, and try as I might it's not happening. Thus, I shall attempt to convey knowlege once again through this medium. We both know you'll read it anyways, and if not, I'd still be awake. Let us proceed.

    I think, in a sense, I live in perpetual fear.
    It's quite an interesting observation, if one thinks about it. Truthfully, I'm not the one to worry about things, as most anyone could well tell. But even giving that, I precieve "worry" most precicely as a dwelling on fears, not so much as the fears themselves. Though it may be argued that I am 'worried' about a given possibility when a fear I have prevents me, or at least hinders me, from acting. That is not the topic for discussion, though, so I will simply say that it is not the case.

    I am, I think, afraid of a great many things, though I think I may well be a happier man to the extent that I leave my fears behind and act freely, without regret. Regret is perhaps my nemesis, if you will, though at base that statement doesn't quite make sense. Take a look at it and you may see what I mean. But I digress. I digress. I digress all the way back to my original statement.

    I am afraid of a great many things. For fear of sounding stupid, in the many different senses of the word, I often don't speak. One may find THAT hard to believe, after reading this journal for some time, but this journal is, in part, a temporary escape from my fears. In so much as being understood is my greatest desire - which I'm still unsure whether it is or not - to that extent, being misunderstood is my greatest fear.

    And that fear explain much of what I do, or more precicely, what I don't do. I was afraid, one may recall, to write the letter to Emily, a letter I desperately wished to write in order to express mysaelf, in the hope of being understood. I feared to write it for the possibility of being misunderstood, due to the failings of written, or even verbal, communication. As wonderous as they are, words can fail in much. I now 'regret', if you'll so allow me, sending that letter for the fact that, once again, I fear being misunderstood, though this time for the fact that I'm not sure that my meaning was adequetly conveyed, either in the form or the substance of the letter.

    Another fear I have, I should think, is to an extent approaching people. Again, I think, my foe is the idea of 'implications', or ideas that may be pre-attached to situations and the like, I suppose. As one may tell, I'm at a loss for describing it. I like to imagine that I 'don't care' what people think (though, a topic for another time, I think that's an impossible statement, in it's basic nature), but essentially, I think that's similar to what this fear boils down to.

    In a sense, I suppose, if I fear being misunderstood, my biggest fear is in what people might think, though not in the conventional sense of the phrase. I'm not AFRAID, per se, of people 'liking' or 'not liking' me (or so I imagine). It's rather a fear that someone misunderstands me, which is a much different thing. A person can dislike me, I don't aim to please all, though I don't intend to wrong anyone. The basis is that they either like or dislike me for who I am, I should suppose. A quote I heard one, or rather a rhetorical question which I enjoyed, was "Is it better to be loved for what you are not, or hated for what you are." That question, and my inevitable choice of the latter, reveales something of me.

    In anycase, I suppose I shall once again attemp sleep - I've been accuse of being "windy", and I would hate to aggrivate any of you figment-people. ^_^
    It's only 10:40, there's no way I can get to bed this early....
    jackofallgeeks: (Default)
    Today was a very nice day - nice in the sense beautiful. The crisp air, the slate-grey sky, the slight yet near-omnipresent hazy. The leafless trees and the cool breeze, though it was by no means cool enough for the sweatshirt I was wearing. Not nearly.

    Now then, as is typical, one might suspect that I'm being sarcastic, that I'm mockingly saying it was a nice day when I really thought it was drab and dreary. One would of course expect this of me because they themselves believe that I have just described a drab and dreary day. But I mean what I said in all truthfulness - it was a beautiful day.

    I was, however, in a good mood today, which - as is typical - got me to thinking. Is on'e preception of the world based in their mood. that is, will a "dreary" day look beautiful to one in a good mood while, contra-wise, a "beautiful" day will look dreary to one in a bad mood. This theory seems to hold - that is, it seems apparent that, yes, the world is good when you're happy, and dismal when you're not. However, I noticed something else - after a much too short nap (20 min), I had to get up out of bed and go to work. Needless to say, I was very grumbly. However, it was still a beautiful day. It only follows, then, that either the previous theory is fallous, or I was not truely in a foul mood, and I'm not sure which it was. I THINK I was, and maybe still am, in a foul mood - not so much misterable nessessarily, more so 'discontent' maybe. But as I said, I'm not sure, and it's of little use wondering on it.

    In other news, I got an e-mail back from Sara Buckley today! Now, you figment-people won't remember me sending her a letter, mostly because it happened before this Journal began. in anycase, it was very good hearing back from her. For those who don't know, Sara is a good friend of mine who I haven't seen in ages, and I think it can be agreed that hearing back from old friends is always a good thing.

    On a similar note, it's now been one week since I sent that letter to Katie Lapp, in all it's simplicity, and still no word back. While that doesn't specifically tell me anything, the silence speaks volumes. Ah well, you win some, you lose some, and really, who's to say whether I've lost, or won, or even if the fight is over. ::Shrugs:: That's life.

    And, in a final closing note, tomarrow is the dance with Claire. ^_^ I'm rather psyched about that. But I'm also really tired - I may well go to bed early t'night.
    jackofallgeeks: (Happy)
    I'm such a weirdo.

    Tonight, Becky and Emily went through their weekly ritual of checking their mail, except that is time Becky got on before Emily. Obviously, they're trying to keep me on my toes. ^_^

    Anyways, as per usual, I IMed Becky just t'say hi. She responded (!!!) by saying she couldn't talk, which really is more than I expected. The Croft girls, it seems, aren't much for chatting online. So I wrote her back and said "Ok, I'll see ya around" again, as per usual on the off chance I get a reply. This is typical of the Croft girls, and I really don't expect anything from them - I just like to IM them and say "hi", y'know, just t'let them know I'm thinking of them or some such.

    Then Becky really made my night. She replyed again of all things, and said "Love ya lots." Heeeeee, like I said,m I'm a simple kinda guy, and I donno, that kinda meant alot to me. It's significant comming from most anyone, but in particular from the Crofts. I love the Crofts - all of them. I really think they're a great bunch. *sigh* I can only hope they feel similarly towards me. I like to think they do. ^_^

    Anyways, though, I suppose I'm expected to have a deep though, and appropriotly enough, I do, save that it's completely unrelated to the Crofts.

    A while back - a day, maybe two, hell for all I know it could've been a week ago, but that's not the point - one of the Anyoneofus Ladies, I believe Rachel, presented me with this thought: if you didn't like doing something, you wouldn't. She was refering in particularly to my thinking and talking at all hours of the night, and really she was right - I think I have a deep-seated desire not just to express myself, but to be understood. But that's not the topic for tonight.

    Not as long ago as one may think, my mom was accustomed to hearing me say something alkong the lines of "I don't want to do it, but that doesn't mean I won't." This was typically in reference to washing dishes, or cleaning my room, or some other such drudgery which we all must suffer through. In any case, it reveals something about my nature, though being me, I'm not quite sure what.

    Apparently, I seem to believe in doing things which one honestly dislikes, probably for the sake of some greater good. Now while some, including perhaps myself, could argue that on some level, to some extent, washing dishes, or cleaning a room, or doing homework, or the like can be enjoyable. Admittably, they do offer some sense of satisfaction, a feeling of accomplishment.

    But does this subsequent sense of accomplishment really constitute a basis for the argument that one WANTS to do these things? I would say no. Even given this sense of satisfaction, I don't think any one could truely WANT to do something that fits this criteria. While I will not say that NO ONE likes washing dishes, I can say that for a person who arguably does not like doing them, in and of itself, would not choose to do them without some higher good in mind, sand as such it is simply a means - there is no true desire to do them, even though there may be a willingness to do them.

    This of course presents one with a new observation, though really it seems self evident from the preceding argument. That is, that the will is sepparate from the desires; similarly, that you need not DESIRE something to WILL it, in a sense, and contra-wise, you need not will something simply because it is desired. I would assume that this is really quite self-evident. You can want chocolate cake but not take it, and you can chto do algebra homework even if you truely dislike it.

    And so, though I suppose I really haven't progressed anywhere, I would have to answer Rachel that, no, there are times when I would do things I don't particularly want to, for some higher good. An example of this, Claire might remember, is my firm stand against abortion, and my answer to some of the more personal arguments brought against Pro-Lifers. But, for fear of depressing myself on such a good night, I shall forego an explaination for now. Perhaps another, darker time.

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    John Noble

    August 2012

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