jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
OK, so, Meghan and I have been estranged friends pretty much since she started dating Patrick. I don't like him, I don't think he treats her well, and all told I fear the relationship treads awfully close to "abusive." I talked with her tonight for the first time in a while, and she said they're having problems... And while part of my feels bad that my friend is unhappy, most of me is glad. And I'm only a little bit ashamed of that.

I worry for her. )
jackofallgeeks: (Gendo)
Sometimes I don't really like me.

I'm very confident in myself. I believe myself to be friendly, intelligent, responsible, moderately-handome, passably-clever, and an all-around nice guy. But I can also be an elitist; believing myself to be on a level above the 'common man,' I can make snap judgments about people based on where I percieve them to lie -- usually intellectually or socially. I don't like to associate myself with people I can't respect or admire in some way, and every now and again I find myself feeling rather... disdainful of those I feel are below my level.

It's a horrible thing to say, and an even worse thing to feel.

There's a girl here in my program who has come off as my inferior intellectually and socially; she can't grasp concepts and she's awkward in many social situations -- and in neither case does she seem particularly aware of her deficiency, a high crime in my book of elitism. I'm alright with people as they are so long as they recognize it in themselves.

So there's this girl, and she's in a course with me this quarter, and we're supposed to form two- or three-person groups for the labs. And instead of offering to help her out and guide her through some of the tougher concepts, I've found myself actively avoiding her and looking for anyone else to group with, perferably someone I feel can pull their own weight.

I'm in a group with her now, with one other guy who's only auditting the class. But I can't shake this feeling of superiority and disdain, and it makes me feel like such a heel.
jackofallgeeks: (Bashful)
Up until about five minutes ago, I was watching Batman Begins. I love that movie. And Crane is suitably Halloween-ish.

About five minutes ago -- that is, at 12:30am -- the doorbell rang. Odd. And as I feared, though not exactly as I feared: my movie was being too loud. More specifically, the girl who's room is the one directly above mine was at the door, looking rather frantic, and saying "you're killing me, you're killing me, I can't take it any more." Not screaming, just a might bit desperate. After a short while, it was determined that she has to be up at about 5:30 on week days for class and I, not having to be up until later in the morning, tend to be up doing my own thing into the night, which keeps her up. I apologized, and noted that this was the first that I'd heard of it, to which she said that she'd been biting her tongue over it. Though I've no idea why; I can't very well fix a problem I don't know about. And there are plenty of quiet things I can do between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00 before I get to bed, so it's not really any trouble. She apologized (for needing sleep?), and said she didn't want to "come down here and bitch," and I had to assure her over and over (and over) that it was really OK, I'll be quiet.

I do feel kind of bad about it, though. I'm thinking I might take her a peace offering tomorrow, to show there are no hard feelings.

Which reminds me, I have this bowl to return, too. At about 7:00 or 8:00, the doorbell rang and I opened it to find two little girls dressed up as a princess and a... ninja, I think, trick-or-treating (with their parents a couple steps behind them). A little embarrassed, I said I didn't have any candy, but then it dawned on me, "I have apples; do you want apples?" And the girls assented, so I ran off to get the two apples left in our fridge. After I'd given them their apples, their parents said that they had some candy in their apartment, if I wanted, so I wouldn't be caught empty-handed. I accepted it, but I think those two girls were the only ones out tonight, 'cause no one else ever stopped by. So, I've their bowl to return tomorrow.

And I've also got class, some homework, an application to fax... *sigh* I wish there was more enjoyment in my life right now; but that's for another post.

I do want to end here by saying I love people, I love kids, and even the little (and partly-backhanded) interactions I've had today have made me feel better than I otherwise would have.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
So, I was supposed to go to a halloween party tonight.
My roomie was supposed to drive me, since I don't have a car.
It was supposed to be from 6:00-8:00.
I laid down at 5:00 for a nap, 'cause I've been tired.
The door closing behind him at 6:00 woke me up.
The bastard left me.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
We all know that girls are my weakness -- always have been, always will be, I suppose. As a basic part of my nature, I just want to see them happy, and if I can help at all, I'm inclined to do so. It may be connected, thoiugh in what way I'm unsure, to the fact that I don't get along as well or as easily with guys. -shrugs- Just a few gender-specific biases I've noticed, and I don't know that they're all that uncommon.

I do not appreciate being manipulated. It's not cool when my roomie tries to convince me to take him out to a store and, when I say, "no, it's not going to happen," he goes over and has Rose try it. From the moment she asked, I knew what they were trying to pull. As soon as she asked the question, I was both offended and angered. And still, I was very inclied to say "Fine, we'll go, but only cause you asked nicely." Even being upset by it, and even given my anger from last night, and the feeling that I'm being utterly used, it took alot of effort to say no.
Perhapse it goes to show how offended I am simply for the fact that I said no.

I want to help my friends out in any way I can, physically, mentally, emotionally, or materially. I do not want to be used, and I expect some amount of appreciation for my services. That does not mean contributing $5 for gas, or buying me a sandwich, or bribing me with MtG cards. Those do not, to me, show appreciation.

I am also less than pleased by their habit of calling me 'Andy.' That's a name reserved for certain individuals, particularly family and those for whom I care dearly. Neither of which either of them are, least of all at this point. They haven't earned the 'privledge' if you will.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
I can't fucking STAND my room-mate! And his girlfriend is almost as bad, sometimes.
OK, right off, I want to say that Trevor and Rose can generally be decent people. And, perhapse, they honestly don't know how low they sink. This does not excuse the fact that there are quite a number of times when I can't stand them. They just seem so... so petty and immature.

Case in point: I burnt CDs for the two in question the other day. I took my own time and used my computer to burn them some 5 or 6 CDs. Don't ask me why -- they asked and I said sure. It wasn't really a big deal, and they supplied the CDs. However, apparently one of them is scratched or dirty or glitched or something, and so they start whining about it to me. It SOUNDS like it just needs a good cleaning to me, and I said as much. But they insist that they gave me a 'perfect' CD, right off the spool, and maybe I didn't 'check to see if it was dusty before burning it.' Yeah, fuck you, too. As anyone knows, they Burner will give you an error if there is one, and as I never got said error, I presume it burned correctly. And they're sitting here more than implying that I'm the one that messed it up.

I think I've noticed something. I probably sound very angry right now. I'm not. Or rather, I am, but you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me (well, maybe a couple of you would, but only because you know what to look for). I don't get really visibly furious easily -- I don't even get this mad easily, but still. Anyways....

He just fucking pisses me off. I put up with quite a bit of shit, and I'm definately not feeling appreciated at all, even by Rose, who's the better of the two. I think I'll be a much happier person when I don't have to put up with living with him anymore. I even find myself holding my tongue rather than set things straight because the last thing I want it a room-war.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
Yeah, so, surprise surprise, I've been really kinda peeved t'day. Louis and Claire got hints at that, though I'm not sure Claire saw hers. Of course, my mail seems really putz-ish right now, so who knows.

Anyways, I've been feeling off alot lately, as I may have mentioned. First being really emotional (but in a good way) and then for a day I just felt sour. Today... Well, it started off last night when Trevor told me Rose had found a comment I'd made in my post offensive, and he agreed. Being me, I spent some time the other night writing them an e-mail explaning my stand, though I'd like to think I wasn't appologizing (look up the origins of that word, it can be enlightening). But that aside, I could really give a damn. First off, it's my damn journal, I'll say what I want. Second off all, ANYONE who knows me knows I don't approve of that situation. I can understand it, certainly, but I have far too many friends with babies for it to be a good thing. And you know what? It's MY opinion, so fuck off.

Yeah, we can tell that was a good way to start off the day. )

For those who know, this is very much a similar situation as I recall having with Jeff Deal. Except I decided then that I didn't want to put up with it. But, I'm not proud of my anger, and I'd rather not wallow in it. Just wanted to get this out to my 'trusted circle of friends,' if you will.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
My roommate is an ass. A bastard. A jerk.
A great majority of the time, I believe there is no redeaming quality to him save this:
He doesn't know it. )

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John Noble

August 2012

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