jackofallgeeks: (Euphoria)
So, Meghan.

As a little background, she and I were involved a little over three years ago; my Senior year, her Freshman year. We weren't dating, mostly because of me -- I was still enamoured with Suzannah at the time. I met Meghan at Contra (which I'd been going to in order to see Suzannah), and I asked her to dance because she was being quiet off to one side and, after being in the group for most of a year, I felt pretty comfortable there and wanted to get new people to enjoy it as well. Since Suzannah was, in retrospect, trying to see less and less of me, Meghan and I spent more and more time together, dancing and talking afterward and stuff.

Fast forward a bit, Suzannah's out of the picture, I know I'm going away to school in California, and Meghan's been fairly open about wanting to date me. This puts me in a rather awkward spot, as I'm not over Suzannah (despite my mistreatment; comparing me to a dog isn't far off the mark, really) and past experience has given me misgivings about long-distance relationships (in my mind if not in truth, my summer in California contributed to the disintegration of my relationship with Claire). And, as I told her and myself, I had misgivings about being her first relationship, because experience had taught me that first-time romances never work out. (And she'd never been in a relationship before.) So I hemmed and hawed and pulled back, and then I was in California. (Just before my leaving, she and I went out to dinner together; it was a rather emotional parting, and we both left in tears because we weren't to see each other for a long time -- at least, that's why I was crying.)

When I was out in California, we still talked. She still wanted a relationship, I was still reluctant. As Christmas break drew near, she suggested that we at least "give it a try" while I was home for the holiday. That seemed a bit absurd to me, especially since I only got two weeks which is hardly enough time to see each other let alone "try out" a relationship, but I relented and said, yeah, we could see how things were over break. Then we had a fight.

There's a lot that could be said about the wheres and whys and whats of the fight, but it pretty much came down to the fact that she wasn't comfortable with me having close lady friends. As anyone knows, 90% or more of my friends are girls, several of them I'm very close with and a few I've dated before. I imagine it was one part feeling threatened and one part her up-bringing (I'm pretty sure her parents don't think boys and girls can be friends; as Harry said, the sex always gets in the way), but the bottom line is she wasn't comfortable with my friends, and I wasn't about to give up my friends for a romance, so... Very shortly after our fight, she started seeing this guy Patrick, and we didn't even see each other over Christmas, let alone "try things out." (Unless we did, and I just forgot, which is possible, but I don't think it happened.)

Patrick didn't like me one bit, which is perfectly reasonable considering that (1) Meghan had liked me, and (2) I'd hurt her. I'm pretty sure most of Meghan's friends didn't like me very much right about here, but I can't really say, I never knew them. I can't remember the hows or whys, but for some reason I tried to reconcile myself with Patrick and he'd have nothing of it; I never so much as spoke to the guy, but he really disliked me. I'm not presenting this bit very well, Meghan or Laurel might be able to explain it better. Patrick didn't want Meghan to talk to me any more, didn't want us to be friends, and I really don't understand not-being-friends. Meghan and I did stop talking at one point, I think, then she started up communication again. She had less-than-great stories which basically said to me that he was a jealous, controlling jerk and his family hated Meghan, which I said was more than enough reason for her to not be seeing him. But she apologized for him... There was later a story about Meghan getting fed up with him and asserting herself (which I found odd, because I'd known Meghan to be fairly assertive; she's an Irish Woman, for crying out loud), and after that he allegedly started behaving better and treating her like a person. This whole section is rather fuzzy for me, though.

Relatively recently (in the last year or so?), I asked her why she'd been avoiding me and she said she wasn't avoiding me, but it was maybe best that we weren't friends any more. Which hurt me a lot, not least because it was essentially the same thing Suzannah had said to me. A while after that, I let her know that I was still angry about her calling off of our friendship. She apologized for it (for what that's worth) and said vaguely that maybe we could be friends again If, but she couldn't say more than that. (I surmised that the If indicated she was having troubles with Patrick, but didn't get confirmation.) this is putting her in a worse light than it should be, I think: I'm afraid as it is that all my friends are biased against Meghan. (And it's not like they don't have reason to be.)

Through all that, Meghan had transferred from Christendom to Steubenville (though I can't remember if it was before or after getting together with Patrick, who himself was at Steubenville, I think). Amusingly, she got to be friends with my brother Josh's circle, at least in part because her childhood friend Tahlia was in that crowd (and, coincidentally, one of my brother's ex-girlfriends). I saw Meghan a few times when I was visiting Josh, though the timing gets confused.

This is all important, though, because Elizabeth (another of the group, and also one of Josh's exes) was having a cook-out on the 5th (last Saturday). I really like Josh's Steubenville friends, and I like seeing people, so of course I wasn't going to miss it. A few days prior, though, updates on Facebook let me know that Tahlia was making arrangements with Meghan to get a ride to the cook-out. Which means Meghan was going to be there, which only makes sense because she is part of that crowd now. But I was rather conflicted on the point, because while part of me wanted to see her (the fact that I still carry a torch for her had recently come up in a conversation with Leslie, though I don't remember how), most of me was still hurt and angry and didn't really want to see her. But I resolved to just play it off and not make a big deal about it, and even if I was angry I could be civil.

The cook-out came, Meghan arrived, we got along well. We got along really well, actually. The whole night was really good, with Elizabeth's College friends meeting her High School friends, and lots of laughing and joking around and watching Clue. (I'm pretty sure at some point the potential for Leslie putting me in a bridesmaid's dress for her hypothetical wedding came up.) As we were leaving, Meghan told me that it was good seeing me, she'd really missed me, and we should talk more. I agreed, we should. And it really reminded me of how things felt between us that night before I left for California.

She's said a couple more times that she's really missed me, and we've started catching each other up on our lives through Facebook messages. And I've missed her, too. So, that's what's going on with Meghan -- in short, I have no idea. But, when I logged into Facebook today (how juvenile can we get?), I got notice that she was no longer listing herself as "in a relationship."

And now I'ma shut up.
jackofallgeeks: (Nevermore)
For those of you just joining us, and maybe a refresher for those who have come before (myself included...):

I met Suzannah in the fall of 2003; I was out at Christendom College in northern Virginia waiting for my brother, who was a new freshman there. She mistook me for my brother and, feeling it was her duty to welcome the new students, introduced herself. We established that I wasn't my brother, and got to talking for a bit and struck up the beginnings of a friendship. Unsurprisingly, I was enamoured with her from the start. I went out to see her a few more time, we went on some evening walks around her campus, and I asked her to a dance at my school in DC. We both thought it was a rather miserable dance (horrid music), but at one point she took me aside and taught me how to waltz, and then invited me to the dancing club they had at her school. I went there when I could (for a while it wasn't possible because of my class schedule), partly to see her and partly to dance. It was also lots of fun meeting the other people out there. Over the summer, I saw her out in Front Royal (where she'd stayed on campus to work) and later in Maryland after she had a riding accident and had to go home.

At some point I told her I was interested in her, and she said thanks but with school and everything she wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. I told myself that was alright, and we continued to see each other; in retrospect I don't think I was really OK with that, and that not-being-OK led to problems. In the fall of 2004 I started to see less of her, through a combination of her being busy and sick, and began to feel slighted. Eventually I imagine she was actively avoiding me, but there's no proof. (This is the time I met Meghan, and in part this is why Meghan and I had a rocky relationship, at least in the beginning.) I got to be anxious and awkward when I did see Suzannah, which didn't help anything.

I graduated in the Spring of 2005 (three years ago today; more than turned 25, buying a house, or my sister having her 5th kid, being 3 years out of college makes me feel old). I saw her once or twice over the summer. Just before I was to move to California -- leaving all my friends and family behind -- she ended our relationship. By email. She acknowledged that it probably seemed sudden to me (which it did), but she said that she didn't know what our relationship was and that whatever it was it made her uncomfortable. So if I would be kind enough to not contact her again, she would appreciate it. (Her words were a little different, but not by much.)

I... don't think I reacted well. At first I was crushed, and replied with a defeated, "if that's what you want." Then I got angry and defiant, and wrote that it wasn't fair the way she was treating me like this. Finally I conceded, wished her well, and said I'd abide by her request. That email from her, ending our relationship, was the last I'd heard from her.

I actually have quite a bit to thank her for, in an odd way: if not for her, I probably wouldn't have met Laurel (My Only Friend in Monterey), and that would have been devastating -- I wouldn't have made it out there at all if not for Laurel.

So, no she's not an ex, but yeah we were kind of dating. That dating/not dating thing is, I think, most of what contributed to my awkwardness and her discomfort. I could blame a lot of things for causing that disconnect, but it doesn't matter much. She hurt me, a lot, but at worst she can be accused of handling poorly a situation she didn't understand. She may have mistreated me, but not out of malice and I think I'm as much to blame as she is.

Why do I want to get back in touch with her now? That's not something I've given much thought to, actually. It's been three years, I'm not who I was then and my situation isn't the same as it was. Maybe too much damage was done in our break-up, and maybe she won't have any interest in getting back in touch with me. But I don't see the harm in giving it a shot. (In part because I don't trust myself to anticipate the consequences of if we DID get back in touch.)

I think a lot of my friends have a negative opinion of her because of the pain I went through after the fact: friends don't like seeing friends get hurt. But aside from the fact that she ended our relationship the way she did, she didn't do anything wrong.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
So. Kira's been quiet for the last couple of months. I emailed her in March, and again in April, and one last time just a day or so ago. Today I got a response from her, but hardly the sort I was hoping to get (though, in part, exactly what I was expecting). She apologized and said that she hadn't been ignoring me on purpose, just that she was busy with life and work and hardly had time to keep up with her local friends, let alone "someone I haven't met." She said she didn't see "us" going anywhere, just wasn't feeling a connection, and didn't want to lead me on. So ends another relationship.

I can't say I'm not disappointed. I'm very disappointed. Partly because, yeah, she was a nice girl and, I don't know, I liked the potential I saw there, and I feel like (once again) I'm not really being given a fair trial, but... It's just that it's always like this, more or less. In the last few years I've met several girls who were really nice and things seemed to be going well, and then... not. And I'm just tired. I'm frustrated and discouraged and disappointed and... tired.

Being single's nice. For what it's worth I've been enjoying myself. But it's not what I want. And yeah, maybe part of my problem is that I just want to hard, but that doesn't change the fact that when I sit and think of what I want to do with my life, "raise a family" is at the top of the list. It always has been. I can't not want it.

I just wish it didn't always feel like I was being left behind.
jackofallgeeks: (Deep)
Another thing Ryan and I talked about last night was the topic of girls. I mean, why not, they're fascinating creatures. The conversation got off on a bit of an... odd fork, though, when after saying he's been with his current girlfriend for over three years and they were planning on moving in together, there wasn't anything "serious" in the works, ie an engagement.

Now, I'll readily admit that I'm old-fashioned and not everyone thinks along the same lines as me about the way things ought to be and ought not to be. I'm sure I have friends who not only wouldn't see a problem with dating for years on end indefinitely, but would have a problem with me for expecting that marriage ought to come into it at some point. That's fine and I can accept that, and Ryan's bit would have elicited little more than an, "Oh, well, that's... interesting," if not for the fact that he went on to tell me about the time he proposed to her last year. So now we have Ryan with a girl he's dated for years, and is still dating, who he proposed to once. When I asked if the proposal went bad (which, had he said yes, would have been followed up by wondering why they were still together; isn't that kind of a, you know, deal-breaker?) he said no -- she turned him down because her parents didn't want her to get engaged before she graduated college. (I'll reserve my commentary on that for the time being.)

So, if he wanted to marry her before, and it was just a matter of her graduating (which, by the by, happens in two months now) why nothing was in the works. Had he changed his mind since then? (and, again, if so why were they still together?) And he said no, but he didn't want to propose again so soon because she would be expecting it. And he wanted her to be surprised.

I think here there are two lines of thought. There's the one line that says that a proposal should be magically romantic, unexpected, involve an expensive ring, starlight, a good story to tell the grandkids. And I think there's a little bit of value in that, sure; I think it's always good to have stories to tell the grandkids. But... I don't know. It seems a bit foolish to me. I imagine that, one way or another, she ought not be surprised by you proposing to her. There's a level where she *should* be expecting it, and if she's not -- if you really are surprising her -- I think there are some issues that need to be addressed in your relationship. It's all well and good to stage something wonderfully romantic for her if that's what she wants; let her have her dreams. But at the same time, I'd be just as happy casually asking her one lazy Thursday evening, "so, do you want to get married in the fall or the spring?"

I guess 'how you do it' doesn't matter to me quite as much as the "why you don't" -- Ryan was putting off proposing for the simple reason that it wouldn't be a surprise. And that just seems... foolish. If you want to marry her, why would you put it off a day longer than you had to?

In the end Ryan concluded he was probably just over-thinking it, and that he was quietly afraid that if he did what she was expecting, she might suspect his motives (ie, just doing what was expected of him). Of course, it *that's* the case, once again there are deeper issues that probably should be addressed.
jackofallgeeks: (Seriously Though)
So, Valentine's Day again.
You know, I think there's only been twice that I wasn't single on Valentine's day. It's a curious statistic.
It's become my habit, now, to write a little something on Valentine's Day, at least in part because my opinion of the day is rather split.

On the one hand, I see it as almost insulting. On Valentine's Day, you're either With someone, or you're not. If you're not, the day tends to just highlight your loneliness; an individual on a day devoted to pairs. And if you're With someone, frankly, you shouldn't need a day to allow you -- or remind you, as the case may be -- to be affectionate with the one you've paired with. I think it's actually a sad commentary on our society that we would need something like that.

But I have to concede that the world is like that, and sometimes you do need time set-aside in our busy lives, or it'll never get set aside. And that is sad, but for that, it's good to have Valentine's day. And, for my part, I think it's a good thing to have a day when random signs of affection are 'allowed.'

But, thinking today, I think my difficulties with the holiday come from a certain perspective on the point of the day; more to the point, they can be fixed with a shift in perspective.
I think the English language suffers from an acute lack of words for affection. We have the word 'love,' and only the word 'love,' which can mean significantly different meanings depending on the circumstances and objects involved. The Greeks had it good; no fewer than three different words for 'love,' from the passionate erotic love, to familiar love, to the love between friends. And I think that's the key there. My friend Leslie called February 14th "Love Day," and I think it's far more appropriate.

I am surrounded by love. No fewer than four of my friends are set to be married withing a year, and more than that are on their way, to say nothing of my married friends, and those already on their second or fourth child. I have a wide circle of friends, only a subset of whom are on this site, but all of whom I care very deeply for. And I have a family which is absolutely bursting with love, and cousins who mean more to me than I could properly express in words.

I could go on about how I've been hurt recently, and how that makes me scared. I could go on about how so many people seem to have what it is I lack and want, and it makes me jealous. But the point is that I don't want to be scared or jealous, and those negative emotions will do me no good. Instead, today I celebrate Love, and I remember all the love I do have, and have had, and hope to have in the future. And it's really a much brighter, happier way to look at February 14th.

In short, "I love you guys."
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
I want someone I can hold and kiss and comfort, someone who will remind me that I'm worthwhile when I forget, because I never feel as strong and secure as when I feel needed.
jackofallgeeks: (chixor)
OK, so I just took another Test on OKCupid, aptly titled the "Why Are You Single" test. Anyways, it was only 16-points long and I almost felt unfulfilled by it at the end (I'm addicted to online quizzes), but the result was really funny. So, I thought I'd post it here. plus, it gives me an excuse to use my new icon, lovingly made my Ms. Suri.

Male Best Friend
A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, "You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."

You're a great guy... for somebody else. Amen to that.
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
There's alot I want to say, and I would like to say it eloquently, but my head is full of stuff. Like cotton, not actual thoughts. And so, I think I'll just try to stumble my way throiugh this - after all, I do this Journal to let others know what's going on, and to hear their comments on my life. If I simply wanted to think or remember, I'd simply write this down in a private place (and if you argue that this is the Computer Geek equivalent, I'd throw Notepad in your face. Touché). So I WANT people reading this to have some idea of what's going on in my life and to have a window into my head.

But that's neither here nor there. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Warning: The following entry has been modified, due to Live Journal bugs. The general feel of the entry, however, has been maintained to the best of our ability. We will not be held responsible for any effects of reading those entry, which include but are, not limited to, the following - headaches, nausea, drowsiness, dizziness, the Bubonic Plague, rabies, narcolepsy, eventual death, 'something wicked', naming your first-born son 'Carrot', that tingly sensation you get when your foot falls asleep, and/or nose bleeds.

As with all posts on this journal, I am not held responsible for the contents held here-in, but for this post especially, you read at your own risk. With these warnings duly noted, you may continue.

I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I'm feeling outnumbered.
You see, I've come upon a realization.

All my friends are metalheads.
Er, I mean, liberals.

So Much To Say )


jackofallgeeks: (Default)
John Noble

August 2012

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