do_While(True)

Another thing Ryan and I talked about last night was the topic of girls. I mean, why not, they're fascinating creatures. The conversation got off on a bit of an... odd fork, though, when after saying he's been with his current girlfriend for over three years and they were planning on moving in together, there wasn't anything "serious" in the works, ie an engagement.

Now, I'll readily admit that I'm old-fashioned and not everyone thinks along the same lines as me about the way things ought to be and ought not to be. I'm sure I have friends who not only wouldn't see a problem with dating for years on end indefinitely, but would have a problem with me for expecting that marriage ought to come into it at some point. That's fine and I can accept that, and Ryan's bit would have elicited little more than an, "Oh, well, that's... interesting," if not for the fact that he went on to tell me about the time he proposed to her last year. So now we have Ryan with a girl he's dated for years, and is still dating, who he proposed to once. When I asked if the proposal went bad (which, had he said yes, would have been followed up by wondering why they were still together; isn't that kind of a, you know, deal-breaker?) he said no -- she turned him down because her parents didn't want her to get engaged before she graduated college. (I'll reserve my commentary on that for the time being.)

So, if he wanted to marry her before, and it was just a matter of her graduating (which, by the by, happens in two months now) why nothing was in the works. Had he changed his mind since then? (and, again, if so why were they still together?) And he said no, but he didn't want to propose again so soon because she would be expecting it. And he wanted her to be surprised.

I think here there are two lines of thought. There's the one line that says that a proposal should be magically romantic, unexpected, involve an expensive ring, starlight, a good story to tell the grandkids. And I think there's a little bit of value in that, sure; I think it's always good to have stories to tell the grandkids. But... I don't know. It seems a bit foolish to me. I imagine that, one way or another, she ought not be surprised by you proposing to her. There's a level where she *should* be expecting it, and if she's not -- if you really are surprising her -- I think there are some issues that need to be addressed in your relationship. It's all well and good to stage something wonderfully romantic for her if that's what she wants; let her have her dreams. But at the same time, I'd be just as happy casually asking her one lazy Thursday evening, "so, do you want to get married in the fall or the spring?"

I guess 'how you do it' doesn't matter to me quite as much as the "why you don't" -- Ryan was putting off proposing for the simple reason that it wouldn't be a surprise. And that just seems... foolish. If you want to marry her, why would you put it off a day longer than you had to?

In the end Ryan concluded he was probably just over-thinking it, and that he was quietly afraid that if he did what she was expecting, she might suspect his motives (ie, just doing what was expected of him). Of course, it *that's* the case, once again there are deeper issues that probably should be addressed.

So, without gushing too much, I'm happy.
Maybe a little prematurely, but...

This morning, one of the sites I'm on matched me with a girl, Ashley. We over the course of the day, despite the fact that she apparently wasn't home most of the day and it's taken me a week or more in other cases, we got through the whole 'guided communication' bit to open communication.

And, well, put simply, the connection I feel with her is so oh-my-wow in a way that I haven't felt in a very long time that I can't help be almost giddy. Like, really; contrary to popular belief I don't just sit at home giggling to myself, but I think I just might tonight.

She's a pretty girl, from the single small photo I can see, and she's nice and she's Catholic and she wants kids and she wants to be a mom and these aren't things that I think are necessary for everyone but they're right for me, and she's from a largish family and wants a largish family and as you can tell I'm rambling.

And I'm just happy.
If nothing else, having met her is really encouraging.
Though I do hope there's something else.

*giggles*

This is a silly little article with a few grains of truth. I can proudly claim that Number 3 doesn't really apply to me -- I kind of have spent my formative years looking to settle down with a girl and grow old together -- but it all made me smile, and I think it's rather encouraging.

Next, the women's side.

It's been eerily quiet here today. Like zombies-are-going-to-jump-out-of-the-storage-closet-and-eat-me quiet. If I didn't know better I'd say I was the only one here, and even with knowing better there's not a sound. Not even printing jobs of phones ringing or anything.

I spent most of the morning reading Wikipedia articles on VoIP, GSM, and W-CDMA (what are all phones-going-to-internet protocols, it seems). I'm likely going to do similar for the rest of the afternoon, unless someone comes in here and eats my flesh tells me otherwise. It's pretty interesting enough, and me and Wikipedia are on good terms. I wish I could run off on random tangents the way I usually do, but I'm not sure I can justify reading an article on aboriginal linguistic theory or anything like that.

I went to my parents' house this weekend. I saw Liz and her fiance Matt; they came over to my parents' house and we had Dominos Pizza and swam in the pool. The pool, it turns out, has a whole bunch of bells and whistles I didn't know about, my personal favorite being the color-changing light. It was very cool in there under the starry night sky.

Liz also promised to introduce me to her cousin-in-law-to-be at her wedding in three months, and I'm going to hold her to that. -nods to this- My sister still intends to introduce me to her once-coworker, too, I think. It's not that i'm desperate to find somebody, mind you, but there are few opportunities for me to meet new people in my day-to-day life. I figure being set-up can't be any worse than looking around online; after all, at least these people come recommended by people I know.

I keep meaning to make a "dating and what it is i'm looking for" post to organize my thoughts on the whole big mess. Maybe tonight, though I think I'm supposed to be going out to see Sarah's new apartment tonight. We'll see how that goes. There aren't enough hours in the day.

A thought I had: home is where your heart is. For most of the last six years, my home hasn't been less than two hundred miles away.

I'm feeling again that I don't want to go to sleep. Last night I stayed up until 5am. I'm not sure exactly what the reasoning is; I'm tired, and I should get some sleep if I was to get up tomorrow morning. Which I do. But when I think I turning off the lights and getting in bed... It just seems like such a waste. Like I could be doing something better with my time. Or that there's something about sleep I just don't want to deal with.

I don't dream. Not and remember doing so, at least. Not usually. The last dream I remembered was several months ago, and I can't say now what it was about, just that I remembered it. Unless there's something strong on my mind, I go to sleep and wake up with nothing in between save darkness. And it's not even every time I have something on my mind, either.

I've things on my mind now. Things I don't really want to think about, I guess, though I can only assume so because it's hard to think about them; it takes effort. If you asked me what's wrong I'd say I don't know, but if I sit and think about it, I can probably come up with a few things. And if there's anything history teaches us, those "few things" are almost assuredly girl-related. School and work and bureaucracy are bugging me, but those are conscious worries.

I talked to Anastasiya tonight, and off-handedly mentioned how I haven't been inclined to sleep lately. She half-jokingly said I just need a nice girl to curl up with. While I'm not sure that would help me get very much more sleep, it would make me feel better. Which sounds shallow and pathetic in my ears, but... -shrugs- I'm lonely. We know this. I've never wanted anything aside from a family, and there's no hope of that anytime in the foreseeable future, near as I can tell. And that depresses me. It's a bitter pill, really; I'm in a really great spot if you look at things from one angle. I'm well-paid and on my way to a lucrative career as a highly-skilled blah, blah, blah. -shrugs- That's nice, it really is, and it gives me the financial ability to live my life as I like. But it's a secondary thing to me. I'd take a corporate-drone job if it meant I could have a family.

I was looking at pictures of my old friend Jean tonight. It made me sad, and there's a lot that goes into that that I don't feel like going into right now. I had a crush on her since 6th grade. I... really don't know if we were ever close friends, I really don't know that I ever knew her. We have each other's cell numbers and AIMs and email addresses, but we don't talk. Even if I was ever a part of her life, I'm surely not now. And that makes me sad.

Laurel and I went out a few nights ago... maybe it was Sunday, maybe it was more recent, I can't recall. I think maybe it was Wednesday, because I was feeling down and just needed to get out of the house; just to be somewhere else. Laurel's a really good friend; I wouldn't be able to stand it out here if not for her, and so I'm a bit amused by how we met. Through OKCupid. She thought I was cute, and we had something like a 47% match, which was high from her experience (alternatively, my experience said anything below an 87% was hardly worth browsing since there were so many others above that level). We went on a date, dinner and then a walk on the beach and hours and hours of talking. It was nice, but I wasn't attracted to her. And she figured," well, that's not going to happen" and deleted me from her address books and such. I was oblivious to this, and several weeks later asked her if she wanted to go see Mirrormask. I can't say why she decided to waste more time with me after deleting my information, but I'm glad she did.

She and I spend a lot of time together. I try to get her to go to mass (at the very least because it's poor form for a Catholic School teach to not attend, but that's just what I say so I don't sound like a religious nut), and we get together for dinner or brunch or stuff. She's taken me to the grocery store several times since I don't have a car, and I've started teaching her to play Magic: the Gathering. So anyways, we went out a few nights ago and as we chatted, it came up that we were both thinking along the same lines: for most intents and purposes, she and I are dating.

That's something of a misleading thing to say, though, I think. I don't know. I'm not 'Interested' in her, though again it's a case where things would be easier if I were. The whys and wherefores of that aren't really what I want to talk about, though. But we spend a lot of time together, and there's no one out here who I'm closer to, and she rivals good friends of mine back East; on par with such personal giants as Anastasiya, Leslie, and Rachel at times. And we have a good friendship, which is exactly -- exactly -- what I was in a girlfriend. The thing is, this just further confuses me on exactly what the difference between dating and not-dating is. Intent? Am I a fool for missing the difference? Because if so, that seems to imply that I should be less-open about myself, or, I don't know, less-involved (for lack of a better term) with my friends, both of which seems utterly foolish to me. Fact is, though, that some people have pretty much said just that -- that I really should keep more of me to myself, presumably so I have "something to give" to differentiate my girlfriend.

But like I said, that seems foolish. At the very least, what of friends like Anastasiya, who I have dated? Am I supposed to close myself off to her once we break up? Why does that make any sense? -shrugs- I'm rambling now. I think I've been rambling for a while.

We don't kiss. Laurel and I. We hug, sometimes. Often, actually, as we both seem to agree it's a decent and rather necessary thing. I haven't had hugs the way I need them, really, since high school. Youth Group was good for that. I bring this up because that seems to be a difference. I've always been of the opinion that friends should be 'allowed' to kiss, because it's just a pleasant thing to do. But they don't. And I've came to realize that whatever I say, I can't do that myself. It means too much to me; I can't kiss casually.

Rambling some more. I'm just trying to put off sleep. I'm actually seriously considering just keeping busy all night and skipping sleep altogether. "You'll sleep better tomorrow night," a part of me says, "since your sleep schedule's messed up as it is." I don't know. I'm not sure I could find enough things to occupy me.

I've been thinking recently -- truthfully, I've been thinking for quite some time now, but notably so since our last conversation -- and for lack of a better word I'd like to date you. Because I think I'm better for you. Because my ambitions will never ask you to be anything but what you are. Because my pursuits are ever and always intellectual, spiritual and familial; they will never be political or career-based. Because we could at one time live near your family and mine, a thing which has recently come to concern me regarding most other girls. Because I really want nothing more than to love and raise a family, and as that goes I think you and I are in agreement on most things. Because I'm not a picky eater, and I like vegitables and Irish Dancing and music and art and culture. Because I've always wanted to go to Ireland for my honeymoon. Because you're pretty and Catholic and Irish, even if you don't have auburn hair. Because you know me as my friends know me, which even if it's an easy thing seems to not be a common thing.

The trouble is, though, the same as ever; as you said, I can't be sure until I try. I still can't offer you definites. We never did get around to trying, and now it seems that you have something that's pretty sure. So I can't really ask you to give up a "yes" in exchange for a "maybe," but perhaps if it weren't as "yes" as it seems... I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I don't even know him. I just think I'm better, is all.

I don't know if I'll ever get around to telling you this.

So... I haven't heard from Katrina since the beginning of February and, at the advice of some friends, I haven't sent her any messages since mid-February. Part of me keeps going on with "take a hint, Andrew," but the rest of me refuses to give up when I don't have a definitive reason to do so.

So, I'm going to message her again. (Take a hint, Andrew.) I wrote one up tonight, but I didn't send it, partly because it won't have been a month-to-the-day of silence until Tuesday. But, I thought I might post what I've got here for friendly scrutity, just 'cause that's what this place is for, ne?

Anyways. Share your thoughts on any of this. Even if only to join the chorus of 'take a hint, Andrew."

Hey Katrina,

Haven't heard from you in a long time, so I thought I might write and say 'hi' again, and stuff.

Things have been crazy over here recently; since my school runs Quarters instead of Semesters, we're in the middle of finishing up everything; classes end this friday and finals are next week. And then we jump right into next quarter; the only breaks we get are 2 weeks in June and 2 weeks in December. It's rather rigorous. But after this end-of-quarter stuff, the first few weeks on next quarter should be almost-relaxing. I'll have an easier load, anyways -- this quarter I was taking an extra course as a pre-req for one of my next classes.

A good friend of mine is coming out for a visit next week, after I'm done with my exams. We're going to take a roadtrip up the California coast and be back down in time for me to start classes again. Short, yes, but being out on the road with good music and good company will do wonders for me, even at that.

Anyways... It'd be nice to hear back from you. I was hoping we could rekindle our friendship.
I hope you and your family are well.

-Andrew

I haven't been able to get her out of my mind since Tuesday.
It feels like so much longer than that.
She hasn't contacted me since, and if you know me, you know that silence makes me anxious.
So I'm anxious.
And I'm impatient.
And I'm a fool.
And even if I'm not a fool, she's still 3000 miles away, and I hardly know her.

Persistence is a good thing, I've been told.
But I can't get over the hurt that persistence caused me recently.
I'm afraid to 'keep at it' because I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I haven't wanted to go to bed all week.
I think that's mostly because of school.
At least, I don't think it has much to do with this, because I didn't want to sleep last week, either.
I should go to bed.

So, although I haven't quite caught up on my schoolwork since missing that one week at the beginning of the semester (all the work I missed has been completed since, naturally, but I'm still a step and a half behind the rest of the class), that I'm beginning to hit my stride can be seen by the fact that I have the ability and inclination to write posts like this one.

On my way home from school today, a thought occurred to me: I don't really think 'a lot' about anything, really. I continued playing around with the idea and it's implications for the next hour or two. (And this fact, as might be imagined, made me giggle.)

( Cut 'cause it's long. )

I'm also really lucky to have the friends I have. More than I ever say, though I recognize the fact at least daily.

So, a while ago, I mentioned a girl here in our program named Carrie. At the time I had only just met her, but it was a really good meeting. She's our Section Leader this Quarter, and she's from Texas, and loves TV and can be really funny. She's a great girl, and she's graduating in December, and we're all going to miss her.

Her boyfriend just broke up with her today. We're all shocked, not the least of all Carrie herself.
I feel really, really bad for her.
And right at the end of her program, too.

Mew.