jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I am going to miss it here.
I'm going to miss Laurel and Tom and Jonathan and Chris and Bruce.
I'm going to miss Brent and Haven and the Game Habitat and the weather.
I'm going to miss my housemates, who I really like even if I never get to hang out with them.
There's a lot that I'm going to miss when I get out of here.

But the thought of being able to go home is so great that it makes me want to cry.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
So this evening my friend Laurel got in a little fight with her boyfriend. She was irritated, so we chatted about it, and she said that she was upset and I guess was making a point of ignoring him, and he wasn't making a big deal of it. And she said that she didn't know if his not making a big deal of it was helping or making things worse; part of her wanted him to try making up for being dumb, and was irritated that he wasn't putting forth effort.

It reminded me at the time of Anastasiya, and how at one point (and maybe even up through present day) when she would get angry or upset, she'd run away, but part of her always wished and hoped that someone would chase after her. Because, I guess, if someone chased her when she ran, then she could trust that they wanted to be there, with her.

It didn't strike me until now that I'm like that, too. I don't run, but I hide. And I want very badly for someone to come and find me. I've realized that I spend a lot of my time at home sitting in my room, sometimes actively avoiding my house mates -- not because I don't like them, but because I'm really afraid of being rejected by them. I hide because I like them, and because I recognize that I'm of a different sort. I'm always of a different sort, wherever I go, and I don't like rejection. So, I hide; they can't reject me if they never see me.

And yet I sit here, trying to hide conspicuously, hoping that someone will find me and say, "Hey, there you are. Come hang out with us; we like you and want you around." I feel so twelve again, so scared and vulnerable. And in the end this is why people I used to know intimidate me, because they can reject me, and I've no defense to that. I think, reflecting on that, it's why I'm so open on this journal, because it's the same sort of thing: hiding in plain sight.

The thing is, I know it's ridiculous to run hoping someone chases you, to hide wishing to be found. It's what I told Anastasiya before. You can't expect people to play a game you haven't told them the rules to; you can't expect them to know that you want the opposite result from what your actions are aimed at.

I don't want to be alone, but I fear the rejection that seeking company threatens.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
Every week, I got out to the game store, play one of my favorite games with a room full of people who's company I really enjoy, talk with the owner of the shop about role-playing and board games, that out until midnight or later. And then come home and feel exceedingly sad.

Sometimes being energized by other people can have it's downsides, too.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
So, sometimes I think there's a lot more going on inside my head than I'm aware of. Scratch that; I always think there's a lot more going on inside my head than I'm aware of, but sometimes it strikes my particularly hard.

I'm feeling down again. And by 'again' I don't mean since the last time I mentioned it on here. I mean it's probably been a solid week now -- with a possible exception on the days when I had great breakthroughs in my work -- but a long stretch of time when I would just feel really heartbroken at night. Which isn't itself anything new, I get heartbroken at night, but it's just been more persistent lately. It's not really anything in particular. I just feel so sad. Lonely.

Being in Virginia was good for me. I got to see Leslie regularly for the first time in years, and while we don't always get along like proverbial peas, she's one of my dearest friends. I also got to see Louis again, and talk to Jesse who I think I like a lot more than shows. I'm always sorry she and I aren't better friends. Not to mention seeing my family nearly every week... It was good being back there.

Things aren't all bad here in California. I'm making more friends down at the card shop, which is cool, and I keep getting praised at school for, I donno, being smart or something. And that's nice. But... It's just different, I guess. I don't see Laurel much any more, not that I blame her. She's got a lot more going on in her life now, school and a boyfriend among other things. Fridays are the highlight of my week because that's when we have Drafts at the card shop -- but it's just (just) the playing Magic, it's seeing everyone. During the week, everything's kind of a blur, trudging from school to home and back again, pretty much keeping to my self. And at the end of the week, I'm just to exhausted, in every sense of the word, for much of anything.

I've been getting headaches, too. I think it's stress. There are a lot of things for me to stress out about. Not grades, really; I never stress about grades (consciously), and this quarter I'm doing so well there's no reason to worry subconsciously, either. I basically just have to complete my last three assignments and I'm assured a good grade. My thesis worries me. I have six months -- six months -- to research and write my thesis, and I don't even really know what it's supposed to be ON. Maybe I'm missing something, maybe it really is as simple as telling them what my thesis is on, but I don't know. (And yes, I know that's generally how it's done in most cases; mine is not most cases, and my thesis was pretty much given to me, it just feels like they haven't given me all of it...)

And then there are things I shouldn't even be thinking about at all because they're so... silly or stupid or out-in-the-future, or there's nothing I can do about them anyways, or... It's stupid.

Anyways. I'm way over-due for sleep. I was ready for bed at 7:00. That was four hours ago. I'm going to go put it off for another hour and then crawl in bed.

I just want to forget about the world for a while right now, and I'm having a very hard time doing that.

I don't like being alone when I'm sad.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I logged into MySpace today for the first time in a while. I'm not really a big fan of the place, gaudy and ill-formed as it is. Give my Facebook or LiveJournal any day. I was just logging in to check some messages and stuff from my little cousin. I hadn't intended on going over to Ben's page, but I found myself there anyways.

It's kind of blank now. Whoever was hosting his style sheet must have left or something. "Weapon of Choice," with Christopher Walken walkin' is still up there. He's still getting comments which, while I would feel incredibly ridiculous and/or out-of-place/presumptuous if I did likewise, makes me a little glad to see. It seems like at least a few people don't know he's gone. That makes me a little sad.

I'm the same man I've always been; I haven't changed since I was six. That's not true, I change a lot. I grow. I generally like who I'm becoming, though there are still things about me I'd like to change. The sorts of things I never talk about, because I don't want to admit to them and I don't want to point them out to others. But they're there, and I still wrestle with them. And on nights like tonight, when I'm feeling... whatever this is, the weight of my personal inertia just seems insurmountable.

I should go do something, but I can't think of anything worth doing. I'd go crawl in bed -- I'm really tired -- but I don't feel like sleeping.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
For those of you keeping score at home, I still have a crush on Jean. You know, the blond girl I've 'known' in one sense or another since 6th grade. I don't think I've ever really known her, which makes me sad. I don't think she's ever been 'right' for me.

But then, since when have I had crushes on girls who were right for me?

Mood swing

Aug. 10th, 2006 02:41 pm
jackofallgeeks: (Decepticons)
I'm achingly sad all of a sudden.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
Holy fuck.
I think one of my friends just killed himself.

I haven't talked to him in a long while, 'cause I've been busy and stuff. Which sounds really stupid in the light of all of this, but... He hadn't seemed upset, y'know? Anyways, someone posted into his MySpace saying it was his friend Evan and that he'd killed himself today... And at first I thought it was some fucked up joke. But there's been another post saying the Funeral is Sunday and there've been comments left on his MySpace that are either sincere or really fucked up. And though his friends may have all been a little weird, they're good people.

God, I can't process this.

I may be out of town on Sunday.


[8:48] - It's been verified.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
Times like these, when I feel like I'm not strong enough to stand against the world; when I just really, really need someone to tell me I'm doing alright, that I'm doing OK; when I just need someone to be there to hold me up when I falter... These are the times I most feel I need a Someone.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
So, I'm feeling a sad kind of contented-happy right now. I just watched "Groundhog Day." I think I really liked it. I also got my birthday gift from my mom, a nice silver wristwatch. I haven't had a nice watch (or any watch, really) for a few years, now. I think this is all contributing to my current mood. So is the glass of wine I had with dinner -- rare london broil and a small salad with thousand island dressing. I kind of want to make up some more tea, as I really like tea, but that means getting up out of my room, and sometimes I like to forget that there is an "out of my room."

I've learned a great deal in the last few months. Most of it has nothing to do with the classes I'm taking; in fact, I'd be hard pressed to say I've learned very much of anything from my classes so far, which is a little disconcerting when I think that I'm now about half-way through my program.

Some of the things I've learned are small and rather insignificant. Cheese is good on hamburgers. Mayonnaise actually does make sandwiches taste significantly better. Lunchmeat is really worth the effort. Eggs are good, period, be they fried, scrambled, deviled, poached, or omlette'd. Some things are a bit more important, but also things that should have been plainly obvious to me. I really like people. So long as someone is generally a decent human being, I tolerate a lot of little flaws, though I may complain now and again. People with bad attitudes turn me off immediately. I don't like having a bad attitude; I'm happier when I'm a nice person. Sometimes I like having alone time, but more often then not I'd rather have a good friend with me. There's a part of me that likes being sad, but I think it's because it remembers what happy is like. I love my family more than anything else, and when I say 'family' I count certain of my good friends there, too. -smirk- Which is more appropriate for some than for others, but...

Right now, I'm sad. I'm lonely, and I'm scared, and I really don't know where I'm going to be for the next three months; I haven't heard anything about my Internship lately, and time is running low. I don't have a firm grasp on my thesis topic, I have two weeks of classes before exams, and I'm afraid that I'm going to do poorly with the job interview I have on June 8th and 9th. I have a few friends out here, but a good number of them I only see on Friday nights, and a good number of them are leaving before the end of June; some left this past weekend. Strictly speaking, I don't have a girlfriend and I can't really see any prospects on the horizon; I'm near-sighted in more than one way.

All that being said, I'm doing alright. I want to cry, but I'm alright. And I don't know if it's the movie, or the wine, or maybe just the breaking point after all this stress, but... I used to believe everything happened for a reason. A part of me still does, I think, and recognizes all the 'coincidences' that had to happen to get me where I am, and still doesn't believe in coincidences. I've been trying to believe that again. It's struck me as an odd incongruity that I, the boy who's somewhat known for his religion, who's actually been called "the Catholic" in more than one circle, has such trouble with faith. And I do. I have a lot of trouble with faith. It's one thing to say that there's a God, that He created the world, that we messed it up, but that He forgives us and loves us and has a plan for us. And maybe it's not really a whole 'nother thing to say that on a day-to-day basis He has our best in mind and actively works to see us through, but it certainly seems like a big pill to swallow for me. I've heard "just let go and let God," more often than I'd care to count, but I won't. "God helps those who help themselves," and I can't let go and just trust that everything is going to be alright. Because if I don't do it, it's not going to get done. No one is going to see to my happiness for me. My trouble is that I feel I'm the only one responsible for my life, for good or for ill, and I can't see how that could be otherwise. And I can't trust that "it'll be alright," because sometimes it's not. There's a lot of pain and suffering and misery in the world, some people are really unhappy, and I don't see why I should necessarily be spared that. I don't see why it's so infeasible that I could be miserable and unhappy. Some people don't get what they want. And sometimes I get scared that I won't get what I want, either.

-smirk- I guess that sounds less "alright" than I first said I was. It was a tangent. I'm actually better tonight than I've been in a while. I almost really do believe that these coincidences aren't just chance; just for an example, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't met Laurel. I really don't think I'd have made it out here. It would have been my own personal Beppu hell. And I really don't understand why or how things played out the way they did, but I'm glad they did, and... -shrugs- That's something to be grateful for, anyways. And I'm happy that my friends are happy, and I'm happy that sometimes I can give them a hand, and that sometimes I make a difference, even in a small way. It reminds me that I'm a good person, a like-able person, a worthwhile person, and that I have a met-positive effect in the world.

I have mixed feelings on tea these days. I really like it. My mom attributed it once to our trip to Europe in 1999, and I think she's right in that that's where it started. Tea with breakfast every day, and it was just nice. And I like the image of tea, of sitting in a cozy fire-warm room at home with a book and tea, reading quietly as the rain patters against the windows. Tea also reminds me of Christendom, and of Suzannah, and over everything that goes along with that; it's bittersweet memories that leave a sliver in my heart still. But I do like tea.

Sometimes it's good to cry.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I'm feeling again that I don't want to go to sleep. Last night I stayed up until 5am. I'm not sure exactly what the reasoning is; I'm tired, and I should get some sleep if I was to get up tomorrow morning. Which I do. But when I think I turning off the lights and getting in bed... It just seems like such a waste. Like I could be doing something better with my time. Or that there's something about sleep I just don't want to deal with.

I don't dream. Not and remember doing so, at least. Not usually. The last dream I remembered was several months ago, and I can't say now what it was about, just that I remembered it. Unless there's something strong on my mind, I go to sleep and wake up with nothing in between save darkness. And it's not even every time I have something on my mind, either.

I've things on my mind now. Things I don't really want to think about, I guess, though I can only assume so because it's hard to think about them; it takes effort. If you asked me what's wrong I'd say I don't know, but if I sit and think about it, I can probably come up with a few things. And if there's anything history teaches us, those "few things" are almost assuredly girl-related. School and work and bureaucracy are bugging me, but those are conscious worries.

I talked to Anastasiya tonight, and off-handedly mentioned how I haven't been inclined to sleep lately. She half-jokingly said I just need a nice girl to curl up with. While I'm not sure that would help me get very much more sleep, it would make me feel better. Which sounds shallow and pathetic in my ears, but... -shrugs- I'm lonely. We know this. I've never wanted anything aside from a family, and there's no hope of that anytime in the foreseeable future, near as I can tell. And that depresses me. It's a bitter pill, really; I'm in a really great spot if you look at things from one angle. I'm well-paid and on my way to a lucrative career as a highly-skilled blah, blah, blah. -shrugs- That's nice, it really is, and it gives me the financial ability to live my life as I like. But it's a secondary thing to me. I'd take a corporate-drone job if it meant I could have a family.

I was looking at pictures of my old friend Jean tonight. It made me sad, and there's a lot that goes into that that I don't feel like going into right now. I had a crush on her since 6th grade. I... really don't know if we were ever close friends, I really don't know that I ever knew her. We have each other's cell numbers and AIMs and email addresses, but we don't talk. Even if I was ever a part of her life, I'm surely not now. And that makes me sad.

Laurel and I went out a few nights ago... maybe it was Sunday, maybe it was more recent, I can't recall. I think maybe it was Wednesday, because I was feeling down and just needed to get out of the house; just to be somewhere else. Laurel's a really good friend; I wouldn't be able to stand it out here if not for her, and so I'm a bit amused by how we met. Through OKCupid. She thought I was cute, and we had something like a 47% match, which was high from her experience (alternatively, my experience said anything below an 87% was hardly worth browsing since there were so many others above that level). We went on a date, dinner and then a walk on the beach and hours and hours of talking. It was nice, but I wasn't attracted to her. And she figured," well, that's not going to happen" and deleted me from her address books and such. I was oblivious to this, and several weeks later asked her if she wanted to go see Mirrormask. I can't say why she decided to waste more time with me after deleting my information, but I'm glad she did.

She and I spend a lot of time together. I try to get her to go to mass (at the very least because it's poor form for a Catholic School teach to not attend, but that's just what I say so I don't sound like a religious nut), and we get together for dinner or brunch or stuff. She's taken me to the grocery store several times since I don't have a car, and I've started teaching her to play Magic: the Gathering. So anyways, we went out a few nights ago and as we chatted, it came up that we were both thinking along the same lines: for most intents and purposes, she and I are dating.

That's something of a misleading thing to say, though, I think. I don't know. I'm not 'Interested' in her, though again it's a case where things would be easier if I were. The whys and wherefores of that aren't really what I want to talk about, though. But we spend a lot of time together, and there's no one out here who I'm closer to, and she rivals good friends of mine back East; on par with such personal giants as Anastasiya, Leslie, and Rachel at times. And we have a good friendship, which is exactly -- exactly -- what I was in a girlfriend. The thing is, this just further confuses me on exactly what the difference between dating and not-dating is. Intent? Am I a fool for missing the difference? Because if so, that seems to imply that I should be less-open about myself, or, I don't know, less-involved (for lack of a better term) with my friends, both of which seems utterly foolish to me. Fact is, though, that some people have pretty much said just that -- that I really should keep more of me to myself, presumably so I have "something to give" to differentiate my girlfriend.

But like I said, that seems foolish. At the very least, what of friends like Anastasiya, who I have dated? Am I supposed to close myself off to her once we break up? Why does that make any sense? -shrugs- I'm rambling now. I think I've been rambling for a while.

We don't kiss. Laurel and I. We hug, sometimes. Often, actually, as we both seem to agree it's a decent and rather necessary thing. I haven't had hugs the way I need them, really, since high school. Youth Group was good for that. I bring this up because that seems to be a difference. I've always been of the opinion that friends should be 'allowed' to kiss, because it's just a pleasant thing to do. But they don't. And I've came to realize that whatever I say, I can't do that myself. It means too much to me; I can't kiss casually.

Rambling some more. I'm just trying to put off sleep. I'm actually seriously considering just keeping busy all night and skipping sleep altogether. "You'll sleep better tomorrow night," a part of me says, "since your sleep schedule's messed up as it is." I don't know. I'm not sure I could find enough things to occupy me.
jackofallgeeks: (Enamoured)
Through no fault of my own, this was probably the best birthday I've had in a long while. Granted, I haven't the memory to recall very many birthdays before, but in the five years that I've had LiveJournal I've never posted about one so I think that says something.

Aside from all the comments I got here today, I also got a load of text-messages from my brothers and Meghan and such; and several notes on Facebook and MySpace; and a couple phone calls, including a message from my sister saying "I'm not going to sing for you, even though you sang for me; I'm just not that confident" and this conversation with my friend Jenny Parks:

Jenny: Hey, just calling to say 'Happy Birthday.'
Me: Why, thank you.
Jenny: OK, we're done here. I'll see you in a month.

-giggles- Jenny's generally not one to chat on the phone. -smiles-

But the best was my gift from Laurel, My Only Friend In Monterey:
This is what Laurel did for me )
And this is what I did for me. )

So, yes. it's been a great day. I only had a couple classes, and the weather was sunny and beautiful, and I went out for a steak dinner which was grand, and i was loved and happy and...
Thank you all. Very much.
-smiles- I'm shutting up now.

Feeling Sad

May. 1st, 2006 05:59 pm
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
Feeling really sad at the moment...
It's weird, I'm having all the physical reactions of being really, really sad -- it's even a little hard to breath -- but there's nothing I'm consciously sad about.
If I sit and think about it I could come up with plenty of things I have to be sad about, but... I've been fine all day, and I've plenty of reasons to be fine, too.

Just... I don't know. Going to go try and settle myself. Maybe I'll go for a walk or something.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I'm sad, and I can't think of anything that will make me feel better.

Part of it is because I keep running into troubles with putting Annie together; like the KVM switch O got not having any cables, and the cables I bought not being quite right, and the on-board sound inexplicably not working. And a very little part of it has to do with my game, Oblivion not being here yet and on top of that the tracking that USPS offers hasn't been updated since the 4th, when they said my package was in Illinois. And a slightly bigger part of it is me thinking about all the wonderful girls I've known and how I've lost touch with them or they don't talk to me or they're happy with boys that aren't me. And I want to say finances are bugging me, too, but as I get a nice salary and I'm getting all my taxes refunded, that's just my brain grasping at straw.

But I have to be honest: the biggest thing that's bugging me right now is... really stupid.

I burnt some CDs on Thursday of last week from UnicronPrime to move data over to Annie. It got to be really mechanical, because I had a lot to move, and only 700MB blocks to do it in. I didn't bother with compilation info, just drag, drop and burn. Yesterday afternoon or evening I started moving the CDs over. They had all been named the same thing: by default they were labeled with the date I burned them. thursday of last week was April 6th. That's Suzannah's birthday.

I couldn't sleep last night. I didn't want to. I started doing pretty much anything to keep myself occupied. I spent several hours between midnight and 3am filing my taxes online. I tried to talk to a couple friends -- Megan, inebriated as she was, was helpful -- but I just felt... off. I wanted very badly to call Rachel, but I didn't. I want to call her now, but I'm not. I wouldn't be very good on the phone, anyways. And I figure, it's late, and she' fine without me, and I'll get over this. I miss her so much. I want to cry.

And it's stupid, and I think everyone out there thinks that I should be over this, that she treated me so unkindly and I should have gotten beyond it months ago. And for the most part I have, and for the most part I do alright, but it still hurts. I don't understand, and I can't let it go, and for that I'm a fool at best.

And I'm scared and I'm lost and I'm alone. And it's the same thing over and over again. I want to be back in Maryland. I want to be with my family and friends. I want to find someone to love. I want to feel like I have something worth working towards, something worth getting up for in the morning, because school and career and video games just don't cut it. And I can't help but feel I'll never find her. Because I'm sad and I'm broken, and nobody wants that.

I have class in the morning.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
Miss Suzannah
===========
01. 'Ever Fallen in Love' by Thea Gilmore
Ever fallen in love with someone/ you shouldn't have fallen in love with?

02. The Duke of Kent Waltz*
<Was my favorite song at Contra.>

03. 'Tell Me Ma' by Shamrock*
<No other song better embodied Contra for me.>

04. 'Fell' by School of Fish
Well I fell in love tomorrow/ but she's got the final word.

05. 'As Lovers Go' by Dashboard Confessional
I'll be true/ I'll be useful/ I'll be cavalier/ I'll be yours, my dear/ and I'll belong to you/ if you just let me through.

06. 'Uninvited' by Alanis Morissette
But you, you're not allowed/ You're uninvited/ An unfortunate slight.

07. 'Go Away' by the Cruxshadows
She said Go/ I don't want you any more/ She said Go/ I don't need you now, my dearest./ She said Go/ I don't love you anymore./ She said Go/ but I don't believe her...

08. Greensleeves*
Alas my love/ you do me wrong/ to cast me off/ discourteously.
<The melody has always been my favorite, and she'd been particularly adamant that it was 'Greensleeves,' not 'What Child is This.'>

09. 'Yesterday' by the Beatles
Why she had to go/ I don't know/ She wouldn't say.

10. 'White Flag' by Dido*
But if I didn't say it/ well I'd still have felt it/ where's the sense in that?
<This was the only 'modern' song I ever remember her recognizing, 'Fields of Gold' aside.>

11. 'Edge of the World' by the Cruxshadows
Why did you come here/ just to break my heart again?

12. 'Either Way' by Guster
You were almost kind/ you were almost true/ Don't let me see that other side of you.

13. 'Take It All Away' by Cake
You keep pushing me away/ In spite of what you say/ I found out yesterday/ That I've been wasting all my time.

14. 'Euphoria' by School of Fish
And I know that it's all my fault/ So I'll try not to complain/ And a heart can only break/ So many times.

15. 'Tears' by Cruxshadows
The damage plagued upon my love/ Driven by this selfish urge/ To separate yourself from me/ But not the way you planned.

16. The Bonnie Cuckoo*
<This was probably my favorite dance at Contra.>

17. 'Someday You Will Be Loved' by Deathcab for Cutie
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend/ As the blood runs red down the needle and thread/ Someday you will be loved.

18. 'Now and Then' by Blackmore's Night
That's OK/ I'll be fine/ I've got myself, I'll heal in time/ And even though our stories at the end/ I still may think of you now and then...

19. 'Ground' by Assemblage 23
Take strength/ In every failure you endure/ Our mistakes have many lessons they can teach.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
I hurt.
I don't understand why these girls ignore me.
I don't understand why they don't even give me a chance.
I don't ask for much, just to love and be loved, and they haven't even stayed around long enough for me to ask that.

I'm still kicking myself about Meghan, and you can sit there and tell me that she was wrong for me, but you've never known her. There's more to her than the "you can't have famale friends" bit, and there's more to *that* than you know. She's seeing someone else now, and still my friend, so she can't have meant what it seems she said. And even at that, I'd rather err on the side of "Too Catholic" or "Too Traditional" or "Too Conservative" than the alternative ("Not Catholic Enough," et cetera).

And maybe there's something to what everyone else says; my grandparents recently said that Suzannah was "too serious" for me, and maybe they're right. They didn't know her, but people seem to know me better than I do.

It's frustrating to find a girl who's so much what I'm looking for, but who isn't interested in me. And it's just as frustrating (though marginally easier to deal with) to find a girl who's interested in me, but really isn't anything that I'm looking for.

I'm just lonely.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
At what point in a friendship is it OK to say 'miserable' when they ask you how you're doing?
How can 'I feel abandoned' be made to sound like a statement and not an accusation?

No one's been around. And Katrina hasn't written back to me. And neither has Amanda, who I wrote to at the end of December. And I talked to this girl Mary from CMS, and it was nice, but I got the feeling she wasn't interested in talking to me, and... I just feel alone.
And kind of unwanted.

And the explanation is always the same, because we all mean well but we're all busy, too. And that's understandable. But there's a little voice in the back my head that whispers that I'm just not important enough for anyone to make time for me. The fact is that nobody needs me. And I miss being needed.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I talked with Amber earlier today, and in the course of explaining why it was that I felt sad today I mentioned that I was lonely, the Internet had been quiet, and certain people I'd like to talk to just weren't talking. She asked if there was anyone inparticular who I wanted to talk to and I said "Mary, Becky, Emily, Meghan, Suzannah, Jean... you might add Dorothy, but I'm not sure I'd want to speak with her these days." And she asked if I'd had any contact with Suzannah.

Not since August, when she told me not to speak to her again. And I know we've been through this all, and i'm 'better' about it, and i'm sure everyone out there has an opinion of Suzannah appropriate to how they view the situation. And that's all well and good, but... Well, I asked Amber how she would feel if her boyfriend told her, "don't speak to me again," and she said she'd be devastated. And while i'll admit that Amber and her boyfriend are on a higher level than Suzannah and I ever were (even in my own mind)...

The trouble is, I want to get back in touch with her. Because I miss my friend. And I counted her as a good (read: close) friend, and I enjoyed her company and I obviously liked her.

But there's no reconciling any of it. She never gave me a reason or explanation for what was wrong, and all-but told me she wouldn't respond if I wrote to her again. Those were the last words I ever had from her. And part of me wants to write to her and say, "hey, I'm engaged, how's life?" But that isn't likely to happen in the foreseeable future. And part of me wants to write to her and say how much she hurt me; not because it'd be news to her, she knew she was hurting me, but because there's a vindictive part of me that wants her to hurt.

The worst bit is that she left me right before I moved out here, right when I needed friends the most.
jackofallgeeks: (chixor)
I haven't been able to get her out of my mind since Tuesday.
It feels like so much longer than that.
She hasn't contacted me since, and if you know me, you know that silence makes me anxious.
So I'm anxious.
And I'm impatient.
And I'm a fool.
And even if I'm not a fool, she's still 3000 miles away, and I hardly know her.

Persistence is a good thing, I've been told.
But I can't get over the hurt that persistence caused me recently.
I'm afraid to 'keep at it' because I'm afraid of being hurt again.

I haven't wanted to go to bed all week.
I think that's mostly because of school.
At least, I don't think it has much to do with this, because I didn't want to sleep last week, either.
I should go to bed.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I just want to lay in bed and cry for a few days.
Not for any readily-articulated reason. I just feel... sad.
I want to be comforted, but there's no one withing several hundred miles to comfort me. I just feel alone.

I've had a lot on my mind recently. Of particular note is this girl. Without getting too much into the details, mostly because I'm just too... tired right now: she's a really nice, really pretty girl. I don't know her enough, yet, than to say that I have a crush on her, but that's a kinda nice feeling after, you know, not. But there's the usual anxiety that she has no real interest in me, despite the interest I have in her, and the memory of the fall is enough that I almost don't even want to risk it. "Better to have loved and lost" just doesn't ring as true to me in the wake of recent hurts. and I recognize this as a failing on my part, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.

And then there's the matter of... She has a daughter. I don't know the whole story, but the girl isn't married, and her daughter is a pretty cute kid, but I really don't know how that makes me feel. 'Scared' and 'uncomfortable' come to mind, though. I was talking to my friend Laurel about this and she asked me what I thought of it -- and I kind of shrugged it off with a "it doesn't really bother me," which surprised her (she expected something different from The Catholic, I guess), but... Well, my own sister had a child before she was married, and a number of my highschool friends have had children, and not all of them are even married today. And that doesn't make them bad people; foolish, maybe, guilty of making bad choices perhaps, but... What makes me most uncomfortable about this girl and her daughter, really, is failings in me. i get scared that I won't make a good father to my own kids... And maybe it's horrid to say, or the wrong attitude to take, but I don't know how I'd deal with someone else's kid. I think I'm a jealous and scared and short-sighted man.

And it probably doesn't even matter, anyways, because I might not mean anything to her.

*sigh*
It's 3am. I don't want to go to bed. It seems I've been avoiding sleep lately; that can't be a good sign. But I don't really have anything to keep me up any more.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone to cry to.
I wish I was going to see The Guys at the card shop tomorrow instead of working on my AI group's project.

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John Noble

August 2012

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