Sad and tired...
Feb. 4th, 2006 02:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksI just want to lay in bed and cry for a few days.
Not for any readily-articulated reason. I just feel... sad.
I want to be comforted, but there's no one withing several hundred miles to comfort me. I just feel alone.
I've had a lot on my mind recently. Of particular note is this girl. Without getting too much into the details, mostly because I'm just too... tired right now: she's a really nice, really pretty girl. I don't know her enough, yet, than to say that I have a crush on her, but that's a kinda nice feeling after, you know, not. But there's the usual anxiety that she has no real interest in me, despite the interest I have in her, and the memory of the fall is enough that I almost don't even want to risk it. "Better to have loved and lost" just doesn't ring as true to me in the wake of recent hurts. and I recognize this as a failing on my part, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
And then there's the matter of... She has a daughter. I don't know the whole story, but the girl isn't married, and her daughter is a pretty cute kid, but I really don't know how that makes me feel. 'Scared' and 'uncomfortable' come to mind, though. I was talking to my friend Laurel about this and she asked me what I thought of it -- and I kind of shrugged it off with a "it doesn't really bother me," which surprised her (she expected something different from The Catholic, I guess), but... Well, my own sister had a child before she was married, and a number of my highschool friends have had children, and not all of them are even married today. And that doesn't make them bad people; foolish, maybe, guilty of making bad choices perhaps, but... What makes me most uncomfortable about this girl and her daughter, really, is failings in me. i get scared that I won't make a good father to my own kids... And maybe it's horrid to say, or the wrong attitude to take, but I don't know how I'd deal with someone else's kid. I think I'm a jealous and scared and short-sighted man.
And it probably doesn't even matter, anyways, because I might not mean anything to her.
*sigh*
It's 3am. I don't want to go to bed. It seems I've been avoiding sleep lately; that can't be a good sign. But I don't really have anything to keep me up any more.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone to cry to.
I wish I was going to see The Guys at the card shop tomorrow instead of working on my AI group's project.
Not for any readily-articulated reason. I just feel... sad.
I want to be comforted, but there's no one withing several hundred miles to comfort me. I just feel alone.
I've had a lot on my mind recently. Of particular note is this girl. Without getting too much into the details, mostly because I'm just too... tired right now: she's a really nice, really pretty girl. I don't know her enough, yet, than to say that I have a crush on her, but that's a kinda nice feeling after, you know, not. But there's the usual anxiety that she has no real interest in me, despite the interest I have in her, and the memory of the fall is enough that I almost don't even want to risk it. "Better to have loved and lost" just doesn't ring as true to me in the wake of recent hurts. and I recognize this as a failing on my part, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
And then there's the matter of... She has a daughter. I don't know the whole story, but the girl isn't married, and her daughter is a pretty cute kid, but I really don't know how that makes me feel. 'Scared' and 'uncomfortable' come to mind, though. I was talking to my friend Laurel about this and she asked me what I thought of it -- and I kind of shrugged it off with a "it doesn't really bother me," which surprised her (she expected something different from The Catholic, I guess), but... Well, my own sister had a child before she was married, and a number of my highschool friends have had children, and not all of them are even married today. And that doesn't make them bad people; foolish, maybe, guilty of making bad choices perhaps, but... What makes me most uncomfortable about this girl and her daughter, really, is failings in me. i get scared that I won't make a good father to my own kids... And maybe it's horrid to say, or the wrong attitude to take, but I don't know how I'd deal with someone else's kid. I think I'm a jealous and scared and short-sighted man.
And it probably doesn't even matter, anyways, because I might not mean anything to her.
*sigh*
It's 3am. I don't want to go to bed. It seems I've been avoiding sleep lately; that can't be a good sign. But I don't really have anything to keep me up any more.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone to cry to.
I wish I was going to see The Guys at the card shop tomorrow instead of working on my AI group's project.
