That is, I've already used a derivative of "my life is a dark pit of darkness" as a subject, so I dare not use it again.
But thus is how I feel.
You all know, or think you know, the events of my, for lack of a better term, love life. I'm sure, or think I'm sure, that none of you do. Oh, yes, generally, I'm confident you know where things are going. The general direction of things, the "big names", if you will. But I know for a fact that only one of you have ever heard the name "Nina" uttered by me.
That name is rather irrelevent, even if the girl is not, but it serves to illustrate a point.
That point is that even here, even among friends, and perfect strangers, I can't say all that could be said. Though, I suppose maybe I've made that clear.
Tonight, at just before 9:20, I hit a low point. Partially self-inflicted, though I doubt that it was wholly unavoidable.
You all know, or think you know, how I feel about Claire. I won't dispute the fact that I care deeply for her, but that's not what's under inspection. I admit that I mention this just so she doesn't doubt how I feel about her.
Can any of you say you know how I feel about Emily anymore? I'm sure, or think I'm sure, that I can't. For whatever reasons, personal or exterior, my focus is gone. i USED to know something. Now, nothing.
You all know about the letter, and much as you may think it was a good idea, and much as it seemed it would do good, I supremely regret that letter.
No, no, regret isn't a good word, or perhaps it is. i'm not sure - there's very little I regret in my life. But the fact remains that i'm convinced it ewas a wholly selfish act. You see, it was the not knowing which tore me apart - the not knowing how she felt. And while honesty may well be the best policy, I think it was a failure on my part, sending that letter. I fear that I effectively relieved myself by putting unnessisary worries and cares on Emily's shoulders, and as I told Leslie, I'd rather suffer silently than cause her to suffer needlessly.
It goes beyond that. I said that I can't imagine how seeing her could not be 'weird' (at least, I think I said that). I'm afraid now more than ever that she doesn't want to see me. And for the first time ever I fear her family doesn't want to see me, either.
See, I haven't heard anything, good or bad, since sending the accursed thing. Now, while not-hearing is quite ambiguous, the nature of my fears makes it frighteningly clear, at least from my perspective. I can't imagine Emily would just flat out ignore me, or the Crofts in general, but if they were, isn't this what would happen, anyways?
Why was the time before 9:20 a low point one may finally ask? You see, I was talking with Oli, feeling rather "eh" and Becky, Emily's sister came online. Typically, when I see one of the twins, I would say "hi", and they typically would not respond, for time reasons. I was OK with that. But since sending the letter, their silence is very discourging. I didn't IM Becky, and made a note of her being online to Oli. Oli said she was sure Emily would get on, and I said that's what I was afraid of. I thought about it more, thought about her more, and just got more and more down. I finally put up an away message after telling Oli to keep an eye out for Claire and Emily for me, and had every intention of walking away from my computer - likely to sulk. Alas, it was not to be.
Yes, as soon as the message was up, at about 9:15, Emily got on. Yes, Oli, she did, and I sat here, watching. Watching what? Nothing. Nothing at all - just sat here listlessly watching her name, just above Oli's, on my buddylist. I didn't move for long minutes, and like her sister before her, Emily spent some little time on. Being weak as I am, I decided to pull down the message and say hi. What could it hurt? So, I did that, pulled down the message and said "hi".
She got off line.
It may well be nothing has changed - it may be the Croft girls still simply don't talk, as they always have. It may be the hexxed letter never made it to Emily.
But even at that, it doesn't change the discouraging effects of someone just dropping off like that. Least of all her.
Would I have been better just staying away? Or would it have been better to stall those last few seconds and say hi, first thing, as always? Was it unavoidable in the least? It's unconsequential, for now, if ever, and so now I go to sulk. But before I do, I have one other observation -
If I claim to care about Claire so much, and yet I get like this over Emily, what does that make me? If I claim that I care, or ever did care, about Emily as much as we all know I have, and now I don't know, what does that make me? Am I so fickle? Am I so shallow? Am I really this self-centered?
No, no, those are rhetorical questions, my friends, rhetorical questions. I leave you now, for my dark pit.