jackofallgeeks: (Bashful)
I just randomly got a call from Claire.
She was wandering around a gaming store and found "The Last Unicorn" on DVD for, like, $6, and she remembered that I'd mentioned it before (we're talking upwards of three years ago, mind), and she thought to give me a call about it. -smiles- She was going to grab it for me, except i've already got a copy on DVD. But it's the thought that counts.

We sat and chatted for a couple minutes, then she had to run. It was really nice hearing from her.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
Our Conversation )

THIS is why I keep my fucking mouth shut! This is why I don't say a fucking word. It's bad enough that the whole damn world is fucking against me. It's bad enough that I'm such a fucking skrew-up, that I can't do a fucking thing without everyone saying ""Dude, that's messed-up." It doesn't fucking help that I would get attacked when I reached for support. This is what I'm always so fucking afraid of. But I wasn't expecting it from her. Maybe I should have.

It's not fair that everything's so wrong.
Maybe I am just doing it to myself.
Maybe I'd be better off if I had no principles, nothing to stand for. Nohing to fight for. No reason to be attacked.
Maybe I should fucking be like every other waste of flesh on this fucking rock.
Nothing I am seems to matter anyways.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
Why can't things be fucking simple, just once?
Well, in my head they aren't simple, and that's what matters.
The reality of the situation is probably much less dire than I think.

I love Claire. I wish I was still with her. I'd do anything to make it work with us.
But - I don't know it there IS anything I can do.
What if she really doesn't want me? For whatever reason.
What if it would mean changing who I am? i don't think I can do that.
I can't even say I love her, because I'm afraid she doesn't want to hear it.
I'm always afraid people don't want my affection.
And if I have such trouble telling people GOOD things, imagine how hard it is for me to tell someone something bad.
Heh, and you all thought I was so apt to confromtations.

Lord, I miss her...
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Have you ever been at the point where you just question EVERYTHING that you are? There are some days where I sit and I think to myself, I wish I wasn't Catholic. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I must start by saying that this is a beautiful song. I think once my brother, Gene, said he didn't like it. I think it's amazing. Simply amazing.
I Do This Alot, Huh? )
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
There's alot I want to say, and I would like to say it eloquently, but my head is full of stuff. Like cotton, not actual thoughts. And so, I think I'll just try to stumble my way throiugh this - after all, I do this Journal to let others know what's going on, and to hear their comments on my life. If I simply wanted to think or remember, I'd simply write this down in a private place (and if you argue that this is the Computer Geek equivalent, I'd throw Notepad in your face. Touché). So I WANT people reading this to have some idea of what's going on in my life and to have a window into my head.

But that's neither here nor there. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Warning: The following entry has been modified, due to Live Journal bugs. The general feel of the entry, however, has been maintained to the best of our ability. We will not be held responsible for any effects of reading those entry, which include but are, not limited to, the following - headaches, nausea, drowsiness, dizziness, the Bubonic Plague, rabies, narcolepsy, eventual death, 'something wicked', naming your first-born son 'Carrot', that tingly sensation you get when your foot falls asleep, and/or nose bleeds.

As with all posts on this journal, I am not held responsible for the contents held here-in, but for this post especially, you read at your own risk. With these warnings duly noted, you may continue.


I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say.
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I've been thinking too dam much these past couple of days. Not about anything in particular, rather, more like everything in general. My head feels like it's going to burst, and I end the day confused and disoriented. I feel like I want to hit something, or maybe break something is more appropriate. I think I should maybe invest in a punching bad. I wonder if I'd ever use it.

I think, maybe, it's not so much thinking, as I feel like I'm under alot of stress. I don't know that I AM under alot of stress, but I feel like I am. And, in a sense, isn't one just the other? It'd prolly be a mix of stresses, from work and school and Lord only knows what else.

I said that I hadn't been thinking about anything in particular, but I think I'd have to argue that. You know, like I was confusing myself, or misleading myself. You ever have that - where it feels like you're mind's trying to outsmart you? There is one thing that's rather been fraying my nerves recently, and it's the same thing that's been etching on my mind for weeks now: The Twins. I sent each of them a letter a few days ago, and I've seen each of them on and offline since. Still, no replies. i'm sure there's a reason, other than they hate me. I'm sure of it. But the reassurance is lacking. I saw Becky online while I was at work, and she'd been sitting there for a while, so I thought I might IM her, t'say "hi" and maybe talk. Sadly, just as I IMed her, she got off - not in response to the IM, mind you, just bad timing. But bad timing or not, it's still frustrating.

And it bugs me that I have to come off as such an annoying little bug to these two. I mean, I don't know that they find me annoying, and I rather hope they don't, but think about it. I desperately want to be friends with them, the way we used to be before I moved, but I never get a chance to talk with them. I'm dreadfully afraid of drifting apart from them, so I try to say hi whenever I can, you know, let them know I'm still here, I guess. But I must come off as some kind of a creep who's ALWAYS there to bother them. It's so frustrating and discouraging, because I don't want to be so (I guess pushy's a good word) pushy about it, but I'm afraid that if I let up, that'll be it, and they'll go the way of oh so many friends I've had in my life, you know?

*Sigh* One more day. One more flipping day, and then Claire will be here, and I can relax, and unwind, and be comfortable again.

I still want to hit something.
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
I was just talking with Claire (heeee) and gleaned a few interesting tid bits. I dare not record what I've learned here, for fear of losing my edge, but it was enjoyable. She got upset at me for it, and I told her she had plenty of stuff to hold over me, even if she didn't know it. She's got access to the, uhm, sources, where she can find out exactly what, too. I'm not going to say, uhm, anything about these sources here. that'd give it away. And what's the fun in that?

Claire also says she got pleather pants. Yes, pleather. Fun stuff.
Right.
No comments. ^_^*
She dam well better bring them, too, I wanna see.
It's only fair, after all....

We got to talking about how much of a bookworm she is, and I rather envy her for it. Admire is prolly a better word, because envy has a negative connotation. I wish I could read like she does. I also went into how I'm not a good Computer Geek, either. I don't know my computer's specs. I spent highschool out socializing instead of re-wiring my motherboard in my parent's basement. I'm moderately concerned with my general appearance (some whould argue that I'm moderately-to-highly concerned). I only know of so many different video games, disturbingly few of which are mainstream computer staples. And I don't speak Geek.

Claire said I was too hard on myself. I prolly am.

Along those same lines, I've made a few small steps towards learning C++. My friend, Louis, gave me a burned copy of his compiler, and all his C++ progs from highschool, but they're rather sloppy, and not very well documented. Jim, down the hall, said he knew SOME C++. Aaron gave me his C++ progs from Sophmore year at College Park, and they seem to be alot neater and better documented. In all cases, I've LEARNED very little, and I think I may well go out and invest in a "Learn C++" book and just study on my own. Hell, that's how I did all of Highschool.

Just cause it peppers the post with more computer-jargon which I love oh so much, Aaron did go over a couple of his projects with me. He pointed out that C++ "includes" where-as Java "extends", and pointed out a header, though I'm really quite baffled as to what that actually DOES. He tried explaining pointers, and I think I picked up on it, and he showed how to declare variables, and cout and cin (see-out and see-in) statements, each of which is alot better than Java's equivalent commands (System.out.prntln to print stuff, and almost no way to accept input from the user except through the command line, applets, or interfeces and a little code-word). Generally, I like to consider Java the "Windows" of programming - nice for the average computer user, but if you really want to be able to DO anything (much of which could skrew over your entire system) you have to know C++. That's why I want to learn it - it's so much more flexiblel, and once I puzzle it out, oh the power.

OK, enough meaningless babble. I'm sure there's something I could be doing, and if not, you know what that means! Sleep!
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
I brought up the fact that Claire was comming up this weekend the other night at my gramma's place, and istantly people took up the cry of "Andy's Girlfriend." I'm sure you can all understand when my knee-jerk reaction was to say "She's not my girlfriend" because, well, she's not. ^_^ But in a good way.

So now, they've taken to calling her "Andy's Not-Girlfriend." I don't think I can get out of this easily, especially since they all know that I've been to Richmond several times to see her.

The truely funny thing? I've only known Claire since late October (I'm pretty sure that's when Neko was). I've known her but two weeks longer than I've known my nephew Alex, and I've known him his entire life. That's something of a grand total of, what, 2+1/2 months? I think, though, that this comming weekend (Jan 27th to be exact) It'll be three months since I met her. But even given that, it's hillarious.

Apparently her realatives havetaken to calling me odd things as well, though she wants to wait till she's here t'tell me. Four days...four days...

*Groan* I have work in 20min. I work from Noon until 8:00 t'day, and while I get *free* food (really just part of my school meal plan) and something around $64 for it, I'm not wanting t'go. I'd rather just sit here and vegitate.

But, if I'm lucky, they'll put me in the Art Gallery or the PPHR, and I'll be able to sit and read and be all cool and stuff.

And so, I leave you. This is me leaving. Watch me leave.
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
Yes, yes it was. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I'm at another one of those points. I want to say something, but it sounds so... i'm going to try and forget that you guys are here, and we'll see what happens.

I'm ancious to see Emily this comming weekend. I'm hopeful of seeing her at Young Fire, and her not hating me, and maybe, I don't know, we can get to be good friend, like I remember us being before I moved to Washington. Though, even at that, I think my time in Washington increased our friendship. I just feel so removed, I guess....

One may be surprised that I'm afraid of Emily quote 'hating' me. Maybe not. No, I don't think it could be that bad, not really. But even given how ALL my friends say I'm such a great guy, and that any girl who passes me up doesn't know what she's missing, you'll note that I am still single. It may, very convincingly, be argued that it's my own fault, which I won't nessisarily dispute, but as Aaron's pointed out, it can't be all me, now can it?

I'm also anxious to see Claire in another couple of weeks. I like seeing Claire, and spending time with her, and as much as she argues the point, I fear I hurt her everytime I mention Emily. I really do care for her, which brings me to my final point.

You see, Leslie, I believe, once commented on how noble, or romantic, or otherwise generally good it was that I still had feelings for Emily, or something like that. I don't dispute it, not entirely. I just wish to point out a small observation. That is, even given how much I allegedly like either of these girls, you'll note that I can't seem to stay true to either of them. *sigh* Maybe I think too much.

And with that, I go to bed. Physics at 9am, yeah. And I didn't get the last three homework problems, either. So much the Fun Stuff.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
*Sigh*
I'm feeling outnumbered.
You see, I've come upon a realization.

All my friends are metalheads.
Er, I mean, liberals.

So Much To Say )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
That is, I've already used a derivative of "my life is a dark pit of darkness" as a subject, so I dare not use it again.

But thus is how I feel.

You all know, or think you know, the events of my, for lack of a better term, love life. I'm sure, or think I'm sure, that none of you do. Oh, yes, generally, I'm confident you know where things are going. The general direction of things, the "big names", if you will. But I know for a fact that only one of you have ever heard the name "Nina" uttered by me.
That name is rather irrelevent, even if the girl is not, but it serves to illustrate a point.

That point is that even here, even among friends, and perfect strangers, I can't say all that could be said. Though, I suppose maybe I've made that clear.

Tonight, at just before 9:20, I hit a low point. Partially self-inflicted, though I doubt that it was wholly unavoidable.

You all know, or think you know, how I feel about Claire. I won't dispute the fact that I care deeply for her, but that's not what's under inspection. I admit that I mention this just so she doesn't doubt how I feel about her.

Can any of you say you know how I feel about Emily anymore? I'm sure, or think I'm sure, that I can't. For whatever reasons, personal or exterior, my focus is gone. i USED to know something. Now, nothing.

You all know about the letter, and much as you may think it was a good idea, and much as it seemed it would do good, I supremely regret that letter.
No, no, regret isn't a good word, or perhaps it is. i'm not sure - there's very little I regret in my life. But the fact remains that i'm convinced it ewas a wholly selfish act. You see, it was the not knowing which tore me apart - the not knowing how she felt. And while honesty may well be the best policy, I think it was a failure on my part, sending that letter. I fear that I effectively relieved myself by putting unnessisary worries and cares on Emily's shoulders, and as I told Leslie, I'd rather suffer silently than cause her to suffer needlessly.

It goes beyond that. I said that I can't imagine how seeing her could not be 'weird' (at least, I think I said that). I'm afraid now more than ever that she doesn't want to see me. And for the first time ever I fear her family doesn't want to see me, either.

See, I haven't heard anything, good or bad, since sending the accursed thing. Now, while not-hearing is quite ambiguous, the nature of my fears makes it frighteningly clear, at least from my perspective. I can't imagine Emily would just flat out ignore me, or the Crofts in general, but if they were, isn't this what would happen, anyways?

Why was the time before 9:20 a low point one may finally ask? You see, I was talking with Oli, feeling rather "eh" and Becky, Emily's sister came online. Typically, when I see one of the twins, I would say "hi", and they typically would not respond, for time reasons. I was OK with that. But since sending the letter, their silence is very discourging. I didn't IM Becky, and made a note of her being online to Oli. Oli said she was sure Emily would get on, and I said that's what I was afraid of. I thought about it more, thought about her more, and just got more and more down. I finally put up an away message after telling Oli to keep an eye out for Claire and Emily for me, and had every intention of walking away from my computer - likely to sulk. Alas, it was not to be.

Yes, as soon as the message was up, at about 9:15, Emily got on. Yes, Oli, she did, and I sat here, watching. Watching what? Nothing. Nothing at all - just sat here listlessly watching her name, just above Oli's, on my buddylist. I didn't move for long minutes, and like her sister before her, Emily spent some little time on. Being weak as I am, I decided to pull down the message and say hi. What could it hurt? So, I did that, pulled down the message and said "hi".

She got off line.

It may well be nothing has changed - it may be the Croft girls still simply don't talk, as they always have. It may be the hexxed letter never made it to Emily.
But even at that, it doesn't change the discouraging effects of someone just dropping off like that. Least of all her.

Would I have been better just staying away? Or would it have been better to stall those last few seconds and say hi, first thing, as always? Was it unavoidable in the least? It's unconsequential, for now, if ever, and so now I go to sulk. But before I do, I have one other observation -

If I claim to care about Claire so much, and yet I get like this over Emily, what does that make me? If I claim that I care, or ever did care, about Emily as much as we all know I have, and now I don't know, what does that make me? Am I so fickle? Am I so shallow? Am I really this self-centered?

No, no, those are rhetorical questions, my friends, rhetorical questions. I leave you now, for my dark pit.
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
Tonight I got to talk to Claire, and it was wonderful.

One might question that if one were to examine the extent of our conversation, but then, that's not the point.

You see, she said she'd never intended to like a Catholic guy. We're "too religious".

Anyone who knows me knows that second part is an incredible compliment to me. ^^ Perhaps it just goes to show that she's right. As for the first part, I can't really explain why that makes me happy, but the fact is it did - maybe the sheer irony of the situation, maybe the fact that we're on either side of the same situation, maybe just the fact that what needed to be said was said and we don't hate eachother. I don't know, but I love it.

Mind you, I still care deeply for her. it doesn't make anything any simpler, I think, just easier.

And it makes me happy.

Like they say in the song "Sue Itchy Guys, uh huh"

...

No, I don't knoiw what he means, either.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I just deleted my post on 'relationships'. Do you know why? Because that's what was bugging me. Or part of it. The last part, the final part, the straw that broke the camel's back.

Why did the post, which seemed so innocent, torment me so? It was contrieved! It was fake, false, a lie. No, the actual words themselves were true, I think. I believed at least most of what I wrote. But the though behind it was deceptive. I'm so MAD right now. With all my talk of honesty, and truth, and objective 'right', that I would... But then, only a few of you would know what I'm talking about.

That post was contrieved in order to pass over an idea I was unable to convey in person. And so rather than doing the right thing and just SAYING it, I hid my meaning and played shadow games. That made me mad, and i don't know if I just now realized it or just now recognized it.

The point is, I care deeply for a girl who I "can't" care for. That's not even it, not in that sense, but.. As I said in that post, the next girl I go out with I want to be the girl I marry. To avoid ambiguity, I'm going to name names, much as I fear hurting people. The object of all this is Claire.

I told Claire on Wednesday not to doubt how I feel about her. I don't know what I meant by that, but I meant it. How ever, I reserve the right to doubt myself, and so I do. i don't know WHY I feel so deeply about Claire, whether I care about her simply, of if I like her because she provides the human contact I've so desperately been lacking, or even for reasons so low as that I like her simply because she likes me. I don't know, but I do know I care about her, and if nothing else I want to be good friends with her, always.

That's why I couldn't tell her in person. Because I don't want to hurt her. I'd be such an ass if I did, and even at that I can see this single post crushing her, but that's not my intent!! I want to get this out for fear it would come out anyways, and the poor girl would have that much farther to fall. i don't want to hurt her at all, but if I must pain her, I want her to feel as little as possible.

I feel like such a bastard.

And I'm not saying there isn't anything, and I'm not saying there CAN'T be anything! I'd so like for there to be, I can't even express it! All I'm saying is there are complications. I so didn't want to just let this all out, but I can already see that's where I'm heading. Please, please forgive me.

A friend of mine the other night took it upon herself to express to me that I "couldn't care about Claire", though not in as many words. that made me soi MAD! She was right in a way, but she TOLD mne what I COULD or COULD NOT do. Don't do that! I know enough of myself to recognize that a sure-fire way to get under my skin is to tell me what I can or can't do - to tell me I can't do something is to challenge my ability, or my beliefs, or any number of thigs - in general, it is to challenge me. I got so mad at her, and she was completely unaware. But in a way, she was right...

You see, it's not simply that I don't know how I feel - even aside from doubting my own motives, I've only known the girl for TWO MONTHS, and while I think it's amazing that we get along this well - and we do, I'm sure of it - it reminds me all too much of my relationship with Nancy, and I don't want to lose a friend just because we were forced too close too quick.

It's not only that, but it goes back to the post I deleted. It's common knowlege that for many reasons, I am a dedicated Conservative Catholic. not only that, but my religion, as I should expect from anyone, means alot to me. But it goes beyond that! My one, single goal that I KNOW I have right now is to start a family, and to that end I have put alot of thought. And much of what I want in a wife is based on what I want for my kids - I want to raise my kids a certain way, with certain values, and I'm not saying anyone else is definately wrong, or I'm definately right, but I believe it's my right and duty to provide these certain things.

I don't mean to imply that I'm ready for marriage - I'm not, not for years yet. But when I think about girls, and going out, and relationships, there's only one direction those thoughts head towards, and ruling out friendships, it inevitably ends in marriage. I don't mean to imply what it sounds (to me) like I am, but I just have to express myself. I'll burst!

I don't mean to say NOTHING will ever happen, and I don't mean to say I don't WANT anything to happen. I don't really know what I DO mean to say, besides maybe that I'm scared witless at how going-out-esque this is begining to seem, and I don't want that, not now, not again. I must sound like a rambling madman, but perhaps I'm not too far off....

I also must say that while I still care about Claire the same as I always have, I also care just as much about Emily, who you haven't heard tell of in a while, but who is rarely far from my thoughts. I don't mean by that to degrade how I feel about Claire - for anyone who knows how I feel about Emily, it actually raiuses Claire to put her on the same level. But at that, I still haven't heard back from Emily.

I seem stuck between a girl who "won't" be mine and a girl who "can't" be mine.

I feel like such a bastard.

But even at that, even as bad as I feel for saying all this, even as much as I fear hurting Claire, or offending someone else, I so needed to get this out. I feel a great weight has been lifted from me, and I pray the consquences aren't more than I can bear.

Please, please forgive me.
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
Today I went to see Claire.

I mention it because it was amazing.
I mention it because it was fun.
I mention it because it was insane.

And I mention it because I don't want to forget.

I got up at 11:30-ish, got dressed, and got my car. Left Gramma's at 1:30-ish, and made it to Claire's at 3:30 or 4:00. My heart stopped for about (counted) 5-sec as I passed a cop sitting on 95 while I was going 87 in a 55 zone. I knew my first ticket was comming. He never followed. Thank you, Jesus. ^_^

For fear of Nifer skinning me alive for comming down AGAIN and not telling her, we tried getting ahold of her. Frighteningly, she wasn't there.

So we went to the mall - me to get Gene a present, her to get her dad one. And then we thought to keep an eye out for Mina (Claire's sake) and Nifer (mine). We didn't see Mina (Claire's Relief) though I joked her about it the whole time, but we did find Nifer (my relief).

Claire said "Look who I've Got" and Nifer looked over at me, got really excited, and glomped me. ^_^ I feel so loved.

Then she hit me. Thrice. And called me a punk cause I told her I wouldn't be down till after break. ^^ Just the response I was hoping for. Nifer seemed happy - that was good after all the brooding she's seemed to be in online. I like my freinds being happy.

She had a little time, so we went to play pool, and oddly enough I was beating her pretty badly!! I SWEAR I don't know how to shoot pool - it was all dumb luck! O.O But, she won in the end, so it was all good.
We went back to Claire's and played 1+1/2 games of .\\agic: The Gathering before her mom subtly hinted that I'd better be gone by 9:00. ^_^;;

We finished the game, and I was out the door by 8:50. Claire and I spent the following 30min holding eachother, trying to say goodbye, standing next to my car. I so didn't want to leave - it was painful. Rachel may understand were I to explain that the pain was similar to that felt the night I tried to tell her 'stuff'. But no one else would get that, so it's a moot point.

I got back to my dorm in a record nearly-exactly-2 hours at 11:30. I didn't even have (much) trouble getting through DC to my Dorm. Maybe I'll get used to it yet.

Argh, I'm so CONFUSED! I know I care deeply for Claire, that's not the problem. It's just... But, I don't have time to get into that now. i have a philosophy test tomarrow at 8am, so that gives me about 2 hrs to study before bed. Wish me luck.
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
Not naming names, but I've caved in, and I'm going to see 'someone' on wednesday, after she gets home from school. I would go tomarrow save I have work. I feel like a love-sick puppy, it's not cool. ^_^

And the first person who says 'Aw, that's sweet' I will PERSONALLY glare darkly at and think bad thoughts.
jackofallgeeks: (Happy)
I'd like to turn the clock back a couple days and record things which I feared to record then. I still fear to post them, for many inestimable reasons, but I fear even more that I'll forget them, and that would be a tragedy, even aside from my fears of how this may be recieved.

Friday night was a wonderful night. The dance was very nice, but even with that, it was but a pit stop in the evening. The true joy, I believe, was the car trips. I've always enjoyed car rides, always, and this one was very nice indeed. Me and a girl, driving along the highway together at night - really, it was amazing. Maybe I'm weird for it, but I like that.

I told you that me and Claire had told eachother we were mutually unsure of our feelings. I told you, for the most part, my side of the story, but not much of what she said. I never pay attention to the words that come out of my mouth, and as such, it's what SHE said that I want to remember. And what good is a journal if you can't record your memories?

You see, earlier I'd asked Claire whay she liked "So Complicated" by Carolyn Dawn Johnson (the song she sugested when I explained that I wanted to tell Emily everything but feared to tell her anything), and she'd refused to answer. She dodged the question as nimble as an aged, arthritic cat with three paws tied, and accused me of having a backbone when I pushed for an answer. Still, I didn't recieve one.

When I told her that I wasn't sure, as much as I liked being with her, how I felt about her - that's when the answer came. She said THAT'S why she liked the song. It took me a moment to puzzle through what she meant - that is, I'm the reason she liked that song. It struck me speachless, though as always, even speachless I had something to say.

I guess about then I just started talking, and I really don't know about what. I'm not sure I knew at the time. But Claire just kinda sat there and smiled at me. When I finally laughed and asked her why she was smiling like that, she said she was just thinking about how wonderful I was. O.O I must say, it was overwhelming. Here I am, with a pretty girl who I love spending time with, and she's telling me she feels the same about me as I do about her (whatever that may mean in our situation). It's nearly unimaginable to me - I can barely fathom the concept.

We also both agreed that we're happier since meeting eachother, though I should suppose that's obvious. I think it's likely we were both rather lonely, and our relationship being such as it is, we're less so. She said that before meeting me she was rather down - I don't know how I was, but I know that I feel rather more alive, now, if that makes sense.

Even given all this, there are reasons why my situation as such is not made any easier by this. No more dificult, though. Just...happier. But at that point I draw the line, and we come to reasons which I need not record - I won't forget these anytime soon.

And, for fear of darkening my mood, I finish here.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Well, it should come as no surprise to any of you that, yet again, I have something to say. i'm not really sure how to say it, though.

I'd like to say that me and Claire have made a connection, if you will. I'd LIKE to, but i'm afraid to, and that of course is the topic for tonight.

You see, I am a man of many doubts. I doubt everything, from what time and space are, to whether people really see the same 'colors', to the basic humanity of other people, to what others may think, to what I think, to what I feel, to WHY I feel like that, even to the the point of IF I really I feel like that.

Simply put, I'm constantly full of doubts. I don't know what that makes me, but there it is. I guess. Anyways, back on topic. i'm afraid to say that because while I AM glad that me and Claire made a connection, I'm almost afraid to say anything on it, for fear that that connection will fall through, I guess. I don't even know, because I still do want to tell her everything.

I kinda feel bad, though. I feel bad that I'm always talking about Claire - not for any of your sakes, mind you, you choose to read this - but because it seems I've simply dropped Emily. And I haven't - just about anytime that I think about Claire, I think about Emily, too. And that makes me feel bad - for Claire. Not to the point, I guess, that I don't want to think about Emily, because I do want to, but I still feel bad for Claire due to it. Y'know?

My situation is quite boggling, at least on my end. I mean... Well, it's not a bad thing that.... I mean to say, yoiu can't blame me for not wanting to forget about Emily, right? Not when I haven't heard anything from her and still think, maybe, there could be a chance for me, right?
That makes me feel bad, too, for Claire. I can't quite explain how or why, but I would assume it's rather self-explainatory.

Of course, having said all of this, I could sound quite stupid. If either of them really isn't interested my conflict doesn't exist (I think it would hurt, but that's besides the point). If my fears are completely baseless, again I sound stupid. Really, I find it hard to imagine a case where I don't sound stupid.

And so, I guess, seeing as I have nothing to lose, I might as well continue with my policy of honesty. I've been successful, I think, with Claire, and at least marginally so with Emily. Maybe I can one day be completely honest with everyone.

Anyways, though, I guess things come down to...something? I donno. I really like Claire, and at the same time I really like Emily. I love spending time with Claire, and I'd love to spend time with Emily. I love talking with Claire, and I'd love to have the CHANCE to talk to Emily.... It seems, to an extent, that Emily is the ideal, while Claire is actuality. That sounds mean, though, and I don't mean it in certain senses of those words....

I don't really want to make any contrasts between Emily and Claire for fear of hurting someone's feelings. :-\
Maybe sometime...
For now, I sleep.

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John Noble

August 2012

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