jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
Dr. [Adviser], [Co-Adviser],

There were a number of things not brought up at our meeting, partly because you both had another meeting to go to, and partly because I was completely blind-sided by much of what was said and had to collect my thoughts.

I do not believe that I can complete the tasks you are asking of me. This has nothing to do with being unwilling to do the work; if the list of "To Do" items that Dr. [Adviser] had sent to me on Wednesday were accurate I would agree that it wasn't that much additional work on top of what I was already doing and it could have been managed with effort. In light of the options I was presented with at the end of our meeting, I don't believe that list was accurate and what's more I don't have the skills necessary to accomplish what you're asking. Specifically, I can not program extensively in C. It was not a requisite for entering the program, it has not been required for any of my classes throughout my time here at NPS, and until this morning there was no mention of writing code in C. I can write scripts, I can code in Java with fair ability, and I understand C enough to make sense of what someone else has already written, but I can not write up my own extensive applications, certainly not with complex system calls.

You presented two options. The first, and the one I imagine you prefer, is for me to write up compiled code to run inside of the XTS machine. You say that there would be a learning curve as far as writing code for the machine, but note that I would only have to produce code for the FA component and our DBPS. Alternatively, I could stick with the 'original scope' and write compiled code on Linux to mimic the XTS functions of the SSS, Apache, TRSS, plus the FA and the DBPS. I think the amount of work is unfairly stacked against keeping the "original scope". I also reiterate that in none of our discussions was compiled code brought up. We spoke about scripts and databases and architectures. I have presented you with two schedules now, neither of which included "write and test compiled code" and no comments were made until now. In fact when I presented my most recent schedule, solely concerned with finishing the written thesis, Dr. [Adviser] simply said she would hold me to it. It wasn't until a day after, when I asked for assistance on the presentation of Chapter 3, that any additional work was brought up. You present it as an option between keeping the project we began with or moving the scope into the 'more practical' XTS code, but neither of the options you give represent what I've understood our project to be for the last seven months.

Just as I am not averse to doing work, I also haven't been shirking my duties. I have been working consistently for the last seven months on what I've understood the project to be, an architectural analysis. It wasn't until this past month that it was presented to me as specifically intended to deal with MYSEA, and it wasn't until this week that coding of any sort beyond scripting was discussed. If I've misunderstood the point of this project it's because I haven't been given clear guidance and defined goals to work with. If I had, if writing compiled code to run on MYSEA had been presented as the actual goal of this project, either I would have picked a project more in line with my own abilities or I would have taken time in the last seven months to learn what I would need to complete the code. I reiterate, I can not write extensive C applications.

I have approximately one month before graduation. I do not have time between now and then to learn the C that would be required to write code on the XTS machine, nor to mimic the MYSEA structure in Linux. Even if I were to try and complete this project in Java, the language I do know, I don't believe one month is enough to translate the functionality of MYSEA modules that were the topic of two or more other complete theses from C into Java. These requirements are all news to me and I can not accomplish them, not because I'm unwilling to put forth effort but because I lack the necessary time and skill.

I have effectively completed my Master's Program here at NPS; all that remains is this thesis and the couple of relatively-simple courses I'm taking now. Not graduating is not an option for me, as you're both aware of the consequences that would inflict upon me. There must be some middle ground we can come to whereby I complete my thesis and graduate on time and you get some amount of useful result from the work I've done, but I can not do what you're asking of me.

jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
I just cried from the build up of anger, frustration, and fear. I can't do what they're asking of me; I'm not capable of it. They want me to write extensive programs in C, I don't know C well enough to write the code they're asking for, and I only have one month before I'm supposed to graduate. C was not a requisite for the program, and I didn't need it for any of my classes. I have effectively completed the program, this thesis is all that remains.

I'm just tired. I'm raw, I have nothing left. And I have no one here to go to, no way to recharge myself. I'm lost.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
In response to requesting guidance on how I should present my next Chapter:


Why haven't you done thing things I didn't tell you to do? )

[My Adviser]

I Reply:

Because you didn't tell me to do them. )
I'll get back to you once I've gotten work accomplished on the items you've listed.


In Return:


Thanks for the response.

Here's a bit of useful advice, but you should be thanking me. )

[My Adviser]

To her I send:


I'll be a good student and back down. There's no point in fighting this. )

Thank you for your prompt response.

But to myself I think:

I don't back down without difficulty. And you're a bitch. )

Codemonkey not say it out loud; Codemonkey not crazy, just proud.
jackofallgeeks: (Gendo)
Sometimes I don't really like me.

I'm very confident in myself. I believe myself to be friendly, intelligent, responsible, moderately-handome, passably-clever, and an all-around nice guy. But I can also be an elitist; believing myself to be on a level above the 'common man,' I can make snap judgments about people based on where I percieve them to lie -- usually intellectually or socially. I don't like to associate myself with people I can't respect or admire in some way, and every now and again I find myself feeling rather... disdainful of those I feel are below my level.

It's a horrible thing to say, and an even worse thing to feel.

There's a girl here in my program who has come off as my inferior intellectually and socially; she can't grasp concepts and she's awkward in many social situations -- and in neither case does she seem particularly aware of her deficiency, a high crime in my book of elitism. I'm alright with people as they are so long as they recognize it in themselves.

So there's this girl, and she's in a course with me this quarter, and we're supposed to form two- or three-person groups for the labs. And instead of offering to help her out and guide her through some of the tougher concepts, I've found myself actively avoiding her and looking for anyone else to group with, perferably someone I feel can pull their own weight.

I'm in a group with her now, with one other guy who's only auditting the class. But I can't shake this feeling of superiority and disdain, and it makes me feel like such a heel.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
So here's a wonderful little thing I just learned: the administration has been lying to us from day one. And, in all likelihood, they're still lying to us about any number of things.

See, they've been telling us this whole time that the program gives us six quarters worth of money, which they dole out on a monthly basis. We've been making plans for schedules and internships and being pressured on thesis to get done in six quarters -- and it turns out that, in fact, the program grants us enough money for eight quarters. That's another six months of money, somewhere on the order of $12,000 per student.

I found this out because my buddy Marcin is seriously afraid of failing a course that won't be offered again until after he's supposed to graduate, and I figured big deal, they can't make him stay longer, right? Well, he says that it turns out they can because of this extra wad of cash they have left over, presumably which they pocket whenever we graduate 'on time.' This explains all that bullshit they fed us about "making allowances" if things with your thesis don't go right, or you can't find a job right off from graduation.

I can't express how angry this makes me. Despite the fact that I *really* want to graduate in September and move on with my life, part of me wants to drag my feet out of spite just to deny them pocketing another $12,000.

And part of me is now afraid of messing up and unintentionally staying the full term.
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
So. I have this Thesis Proposal bit that needs to be signed by all the mugwumps around here before the end of the quarter. The good news is that I was able to pick my thesis right off a list of projects they want done, and I'm fairly interested in it (and it just happens to coincide with the electives I've already taken, so w00t, and such). The bad news is that they neglected to tell me much of anything at all about the project aside from the one-line description on the list. I'm supposed to meet with my advisor (far too early) tomorrow morning to go over the crunchy bits of this proposal.

I'd been expecting to go in there tomorrow with a half-drawn proposal and say, "yeah, I don't know what I'm doing with this; what do you want me to do?" But this afternoon one of the ladies in our office sent out a "this is what the proposal is" with a blank template and pointers on what should generally go in each of the blanks. And so I've been (half-heartedly) working on it all afternoon, and aside from a couple points, it's almost a fully-feshed proposal. I'm down to just writing up a quick description of the problem and a 'preliminary bibliography' (which unfortunately will be empty, as I've had little idea what i'm doing, let alone that I should be reading up on things already) and everything will be filled out. So instead of "I'm totally lost," I'm going in there and saying, "what needs to be changed or added to meet your standards?" That's a much better foot to get started on.

Still don't know anything about my internship, but the Norfolk guys are now in touch with our HR department. So it's still looking really good, but I don't have anything official, so I don't know. And I hate not-knowing.

Anyways, we'll see how it goes. In the end, it just determines the timeframe I have for getting my stuff out of this apartment, getting plane tickets back East, and possibly finding an apartment out there.

Update 21:02 -- I've 'completed' my rough draft for my proposal, and I'm feeling pretty good. Now I'm going to drink my tea, play some video games, and get a good night's sleep.
jackofallgeeks: (Drinkie Drinkie)
  Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
0800-0850 -- -- -- -- Innovations
0900-0950 Software Methodology Software Methodology Software Methodology Computer Graphics Innovations
1000-1050 Computer Graphics Computer Graphics Computer Graphics Software Methodology --
1100-1150 Applied Number Theory Applied Number Theory Applied Number Theory -- --
1200-1250 -- -- -- -- Applied Number Theory
1300-1350 Artificial Intelligence Artificial Intelligence Artificial Intelligence Artificial Intelligence --
1400-1450 Network Security Network Security Network Security Network Security Artificial Intelligence
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
Predictably, the courses I want to take next quarter have changed since entering them the first week I was on this coast.
There is at least one class I want to drop, one I want to move, and two I want to add.
Add-Drop begins on Wednesday. Hopefully I won't have any timing conflicts and my rescheduling can go smoothly.
Failing that... Well, it's not that I *don't* want to take these courses, but there are others I think would be better for me.
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
So, a while ago, I mentioned a girl here in our program named Carrie. At the time I had only just met her, but it was a really good meeting. She's our Section Leader this Quarter, and she's from Texas, and loves TV and can be really funny. She's a great girl, and she's graduating in December, and we're all going to miss her.

Her boyfriend just broke up with her today. We're all shocked, not the least of all Carrie herself.
I feel really, really bad for her.
And right at the end of her program, too.

jackofallgeeks: (Default)
Ha ha!
I win.

My Lex program is working right.
The only reason it "wasn't" was because I was pushing the wrong button to execute.
Well, that and I forgot to add the code to read in the file. But that's a minor detail.

I now reward myself with City of Paragon goodness.
And then maybe I'll write some.
jackofallgeeks: (Displeased)
I just faxed off my application.
My writing sample was the final paper to my Intro to Psyche course, which I think is sub-par compared to other bits I've written (particularly for Philosophy), but I don't have any of those bits any more, one waty or another.
I'm afraid my chances of getting the internship are slim, that my experience isn't strong enough, that my resume doesn't sell me enough.
And I forgot to sign my cover letter.  >.<

So, yeah, short-term stress this morning, plus I'm tired. The stress will disipate -- nothing I can do now, so there's no point in worrying -- and I think I'll take a nap this afternoon.

I want to go to Noon mass; All Saints' Day is supposed to be a Holy Day of Obligation, though I think it's been 'marked for demotion' like many other holy days. I'm not exactly sure why we have that trend...

I wish I could get some of my icons (like the one here) cleaned up, but along with other bits, I lose my Photoshop in a wipe a number of months ago, and I was never very good with it, anyways.
I also want to fix up my Literary icon, but I'm not quite sure how or, if i'm to replace it, with what.

At least it's not Monday.  ^_^

(I don't like stress.)
jackofallgeeks: (Tears)
Just very sad and lonely tonight.
I don't know what's up with my emotions these days.

Feeling very unmotivated.

And I'm afraid I won't get that internship I want. Feeding this is the fact that I can't find ANY of my papers on this computer, which leads me to think they've been deleted, which is sad in itself, but very bad in that they want a 5-10 page sample of my writing. And I've done GOOD STUFF, but I can't find any of it...
jackofallgeeks: (Friends)
The good news is I'm currently looking at getting into an Internship program that would bring me back to the Maryland-DC area this summer.

The bad news is that I'm not sure how strong my application is.

And if I got, it'll shift my class schedule off by a semester -- meaning that I'll have to do some scheduling acrobatics to complete all the courses I need to get my Masters.
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
Emily: So it was weird; we fell asleep together watching a movie, and then woke up together, and we kissed. I've never had that kind of attention before.
Anastasiya: Try dating him. (Points to Andrew)

So, just a few quick notes. I helped Anastasiya move into school today, which became an all-day affair. Met her roomies and her friend Emily, who was very cool but a little sun-baked. Also realized that, between classes restarting, watching my siblings for mom, and my impending move West, I may not be seeing much of anyone anymore. It makes me rather sad...

I emailed Suzannah four days ago, saying, in short, "I like spending time with you, but it feels like you're ignoring/avoiding me; I leave for California soon, I'd like to see you before then." I haven't yet gotten a reply and, with her classes starting on Monday, I'm not sure there's time enough for it to matter. Which makes me very sad.

I have my apartment leased. I plan on flying out there September 12th. I'm going to be mailing most of my stuff to me. I'll need to buy a bed and a desk, and my parents are going to buy me a bike. Which I'll probably end up naming... I made a bet that I wouldn't... I need new clothes, too; NPS has a dress-code, similar to what I wore during Highschool, but I don't have those sorts of clothes these days. I'm rooming with Stephen, who I barely know, and was having a pretty nice conversation through email with Brian, another NPS'er who I hardly know. Brian has a buddy who's going to be going to MIIS, and we all agree that mingling between the schools will be a good thing. Those at NPS said MIIS is where the military sends it's girls for Master's Degrees. -smiles-

I should go, now. I have to pack up some stuff, and mom wanted to be on the road by 9am. Whee.
As a parting thought, GEEK in binary: 0100 0111 0100 0101 0100 0101 0100 1011


Jul. 25th, 2005 02:20 pm
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
So, since I'm sitting here, trying to either get motivation to do one of the myriad things I know I have to do or find something else to occupy my time with, I thought I'd update.

Work on Saturday was hellish. )

I told Mohammed that my last day would effectively be the 31st, though, so I'm anticipating my freedom.

Which brings me to a little point I made... )

I'm also a little apprehensive about my coming trip. )

And then there's my impending move to California, which involves getting apartment, getting a ticket out their, shipping all my stuff, buying furniture (notably a bed and desk), getting my bike (which I have a bet as to whether or not I'll name it), moving in, unpacking, and then getting into the swing of Graduate school...

I can be one big ball of stress when I try...
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
Recently, while picking up a Murphey Bed for my parents' den, I saw a bed which, given proper coloring, would be perfect to have for my apartment in Monterey. Not only would it give me sitting space in my room (a plus), but when friends came to visit (this means you), they wouldn't have to sleep on the couch (another plus)!


jackofallgeeks: (Default)
John Noble

August 2012

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