jackofallgeeks: (Euphoria)
So, Meghan.

As a little background, she and I were involved a little over three years ago; my Senior year, her Freshman year. We weren't dating, mostly because of me -- I was still enamoured with Suzannah at the time. I met Meghan at Contra (which I'd been going to in order to see Suzannah), and I asked her to dance because she was being quiet off to one side and, after being in the group for most of a year, I felt pretty comfortable there and wanted to get new people to enjoy it as well. Since Suzannah was, in retrospect, trying to see less and less of me, Meghan and I spent more and more time together, dancing and talking afterward and stuff.

Fast forward a bit, Suzannah's out of the picture, I know I'm going away to school in California, and Meghan's been fairly open about wanting to date me. This puts me in a rather awkward spot, as I'm not over Suzannah (despite my mistreatment; comparing me to a dog isn't far off the mark, really) and past experience has given me misgivings about long-distance relationships (in my mind if not in truth, my summer in California contributed to the disintegration of my relationship with Claire). And, as I told her and myself, I had misgivings about being her first relationship, because experience had taught me that first-time romances never work out. (And she'd never been in a relationship before.) So I hemmed and hawed and pulled back, and then I was in California. (Just before my leaving, she and I went out to dinner together; it was a rather emotional parting, and we both left in tears because we weren't to see each other for a long time -- at least, that's why I was crying.)

When I was out in California, we still talked. She still wanted a relationship, I was still reluctant. As Christmas break drew near, she suggested that we at least "give it a try" while I was home for the holiday. That seemed a bit absurd to me, especially since I only got two weeks which is hardly enough time to see each other let alone "try out" a relationship, but I relented and said, yeah, we could see how things were over break. Then we had a fight.

There's a lot that could be said about the wheres and whys and whats of the fight, but it pretty much came down to the fact that she wasn't comfortable with me having close lady friends. As anyone knows, 90% or more of my friends are girls, several of them I'm very close with and a few I've dated before. I imagine it was one part feeling threatened and one part her up-bringing (I'm pretty sure her parents don't think boys and girls can be friends; as Harry said, the sex always gets in the way), but the bottom line is she wasn't comfortable with my friends, and I wasn't about to give up my friends for a romance, so... Very shortly after our fight, she started seeing this guy Patrick, and we didn't even see each other over Christmas, let alone "try things out." (Unless we did, and I just forgot, which is possible, but I don't think it happened.)

Patrick didn't like me one bit, which is perfectly reasonable considering that (1) Meghan had liked me, and (2) I'd hurt her. I'm pretty sure most of Meghan's friends didn't like me very much right about here, but I can't really say, I never knew them. I can't remember the hows or whys, but for some reason I tried to reconcile myself with Patrick and he'd have nothing of it; I never so much as spoke to the guy, but he really disliked me. I'm not presenting this bit very well, Meghan or Laurel might be able to explain it better. Patrick didn't want Meghan to talk to me any more, didn't want us to be friends, and I really don't understand not-being-friends. Meghan and I did stop talking at one point, I think, then she started up communication again. She had less-than-great stories which basically said to me that he was a jealous, controlling jerk and his family hated Meghan, which I said was more than enough reason for her to not be seeing him. But she apologized for him... There was later a story about Meghan getting fed up with him and asserting herself (which I found odd, because I'd known Meghan to be fairly assertive; she's an Irish Woman, for crying out loud), and after that he allegedly started behaving better and treating her like a person. This whole section is rather fuzzy for me, though.

Relatively recently (in the last year or so?), I asked her why she'd been avoiding me and she said she wasn't avoiding me, but it was maybe best that we weren't friends any more. Which hurt me a lot, not least because it was essentially the same thing Suzannah had said to me. A while after that, I let her know that I was still angry about her calling off of our friendship. She apologized for it (for what that's worth) and said vaguely that maybe we could be friends again If, but she couldn't say more than that. (I surmised that the If indicated she was having troubles with Patrick, but didn't get confirmation.) this is putting her in a worse light than it should be, I think: I'm afraid as it is that all my friends are biased against Meghan. (And it's not like they don't have reason to be.)

Through all that, Meghan had transferred from Christendom to Steubenville (though I can't remember if it was before or after getting together with Patrick, who himself was at Steubenville, I think). Amusingly, she got to be friends with my brother Josh's circle, at least in part because her childhood friend Tahlia was in that crowd (and, coincidentally, one of my brother's ex-girlfriends). I saw Meghan a few times when I was visiting Josh, though the timing gets confused.

This is all important, though, because Elizabeth (another of the group, and also one of Josh's exes) was having a cook-out on the 5th (last Saturday). I really like Josh's Steubenville friends, and I like seeing people, so of course I wasn't going to miss it. A few days prior, though, updates on Facebook let me know that Tahlia was making arrangements with Meghan to get a ride to the cook-out. Which means Meghan was going to be there, which only makes sense because she is part of that crowd now. But I was rather conflicted on the point, because while part of me wanted to see her (the fact that I still carry a torch for her had recently come up in a conversation with Leslie, though I don't remember how), most of me was still hurt and angry and didn't really want to see her. But I resolved to just play it off and not make a big deal about it, and even if I was angry I could be civil.

The cook-out came, Meghan arrived, we got along well. We got along really well, actually. The whole night was really good, with Elizabeth's College friends meeting her High School friends, and lots of laughing and joking around and watching Clue. (I'm pretty sure at some point the potential for Leslie putting me in a bridesmaid's dress for her hypothetical wedding came up.) As we were leaving, Meghan told me that it was good seeing me, she'd really missed me, and we should talk more. I agreed, we should. And it really reminded me of how things felt between us that night before I left for California.

She's said a couple more times that she's really missed me, and we've started catching each other up on our lives through Facebook messages. And I've missed her, too. So, that's what's going on with Meghan -- in short, I have no idea. But, when I logged into Facebook today (how juvenile can we get?), I got notice that she was no longer listing herself as "in a relationship."

And now I'ma shut up.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
Another post about Meghan. The whole thing is sticky. From my end, it looks like we have un-reasovable issues, things I am unwilling to bend on and, frankly, I don't want someone who has to bend on them to meet me. Some say I should drop her and fast. Others say I should give it a chance, every couple has issues. Even aside from all that I don't intend to lose her as a friend, and she seems intent on proving to me that the issues I see aren't as grand as they seem. I remain skeptical.

The point is, the other day she left me a voice message saying, simply, "we need to talk, give me a call back." And when I did call her back, she said that a friend of hers had claimed to see a post by me on MySpace saying that there was a girl who was interested in me, and I wasn't really into her, but I was lonely and she had esteem issues, and I could at least get some attention from it. And that though there were no names, the friend got the impression that Meghan was the girl referred to. And all of this was supposed to have been posted on June 30th. When they went looking for the post again, it was nowhere to be found, but the Internet is nothing if not mutable.

I should hope, in fact expect, that anyone who knows me knows how ridiculous an accusation this is. Firstly, I don't use MySpace much at all; I have one, but I rarely log on, let alone post on my blog. Secondly, the idea that I would knowingly use someone for my own gratification, let alone exploit their insecurities, is so utterly against my nature that I find it difficult to express. As a child, *I* had esteem issues, I was the outcast and I was the one who was picked on. Sometimes the abused becomes the abuser, but in my case I'm just completely turned off by the notion, I will forgive almost anyone weaknesses and faults. I've even gotten angry when friends of mine belittle others, regardless of how true or deserved the belittling is. I don't do that.

Never mind the fact that affection is too sacred to me. I don't want hollow affection, I'm not interested in attention from those who's feelings I don't share -- I'll accept it, I'll allow it, I won't discourage someone just because their feelings aren't returned; there's nothing wrong with affection, and I think it's a crime that we've all been taught to fear expressing ourselves for the threat of rejection. But I won't seek it, and I certainly won't manipulate someone to get it.

And on top of that, who does this third party think they are, seeking me out online to find dirt on me and reveal it to others? It's my understanding that I don't know them, and that they would come looking for me and scurry back to divulge whatever morsels they found angers me. I'm an open man. I'm honest and upfront, I tell things as they are to the best of my ability. If you have an issue with me, you simply need to bring it to my attention and it will be resolved.

The trouble is several-fold.

Somehow, people in circles Meghan's connected with (almost none of whom know me) have gotten into their heads that Meghan and I are dating (or, if they aren't aware that Meghan's broken up with her old boyfriend, that we're cheating). We're not. Frankly, I'm not sure we ever will be, but that's neither here nor there. I'm effing 3000 miles away. What's dating supposed to mean when there's an entire continent between you?

Besides that, theres is another Andrew Portner here on the Internet -- he's the one you're most likely to find if you Google me. Try it. He's something of a stand-up comic, he's done things called "The Adam and Andrew Show" and "Smile and Nod." There's even a vid on YouTube with a skit he did where he mentions me -- the guy with his name. I don't find him particularly funny (even aside from poking fun at me :p) and he can be kind of crass. He's also a Computer Scientist and in California, in fact only a couple hours south of where I am now. Needless to say, his existence (and prevalence) complicates the task of find information on me, especially if you don't know me and are only scouring the Internet. In fact, his AIM is "AndrewPortner," whereas mine never has been and probably never will be any form of my name.

And, of course, none of this really bothers me -- what do I care about how people who don't know me think of me? Meghan is far more concerned with her appearance and reputation, even when people who don't know her make ridiculous, unfounded claims about things they can't know. And she comes to me, expecting that I should know, or at least care, about this. And I really don't.

Maybe my one set of friends are right, maybe there's potential with Meghan and I, maybe we can do each other some good -- my friends at least say that I can bring her into reality and show her value where she wouldn't have even looked before -- but right now? I doubt it. Every time she and I talk about it, I'm more and more convinced of the issues, and less and less interested in trying to resolve them. Maybe it's bad timing, I don't function well over impersonal media ,but...

I 'click' better with lots of other people. Meghan has the whole "Catholic" and "family oriented" over them, but I'm no more willing to compromise someone who can understand my world and my philosophy. It's not nearly as difficult explaining myself to any of you as it is trying to explain the same things to her.
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
OK, so, Meghan and I have been estranged friends pretty much since she started dating Patrick. I don't like him, I don't think he treats her well, and all told I fear the relationship treads awfully close to "abusive." I talked with her tonight for the first time in a while, and she said they're having problems... And while part of my feels bad that my friend is unhappy, most of me is glad. And I'm only a little bit ashamed of that.

I worry for her. )
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
The fact of the matter is, yeah, I don't like him. That he doesn't like me, even having never met me, gives me less reason to like him. He thinks I treated you badly, and that may well be a fair assessment, though I might argue that it looks to him very much like how he was treated, and so he's imposing his own biases. I think he treats you badly. I think he's selfish, insecure, jealous of your friends and family. He doesn't understand some of the fundamentals of a relationship. He misses the fact that you consulting your friends and family when you're confronted with a dilemma is not only acceptable, but the reasonable first move. He threatens you with 'freedom' -- say what you will about his tone or what he means, that's a passive-aggressive way of saying "be careful, or we might break up."

"But Andrew," you say, "you admit your own bias. You don't like him, so of course you would say such things." Everyone's biased. I don't believe anyone is ever impartial. But I've also seen this all before. It's a bad thing when he threatens you with 'freedom'; at the least it implies that your relationship is a form of bondage, and I'm sorry but that infuriates me. It's a bad thing when he throws at you that he's never said anything bad about you -- what's that supposed to mean? That your grievances are less valid because he finds no flaw in you? There's no logic in that. And it implies that he has you on a pedestal, an unerring figure of truth and purity, and no one is that. It's not fair for him to pretend you are, as flattering as you may think it is. You can't know or love a figure held aloft like that. And the higher the pedestal, the further the fall when it proves false.

I've told you why I don't like him, and I've told you why I think he's wrong for you. If he's like I expect, like how all us boys were once, he expects that you will complete him, make him whole, and that's a false, unkind, unfair assumption to have, both for himself and for you. He's jealous, he comes off as selfish, he expects you to be as you are not, he seems passive-aggressive. I wrote you a whole email which you have yet to refute. This is why I'm so hard on your relationship, because I think it's a poor one, and I've not been given proof to the contrary.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
After a long day, I came home, checked my mail, and took a three hour nap from 20:00 until 23:00. I got up, checked my mail, and saw that Meghan was online.
Editted to improve readability.


[23:18] Andrew: Hey.

[23:19] Meghan: I'm in a really bad mood right now, so it may be best to leave me be
Which, of course, leads to a long conversation. )
Comments appreciated.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I've been thinking recently -- truthfully, I've been thinking for quite some time now, but notably so since our last conversation -- and for lack of a better word I'd like to date you. Because I think I'm better for you. Because my ambitions will never ask you to be anything but what you are. Because my pursuits are ever and always intellectual, spiritual and familial; they will never be political or career-based. Because we could at one time live near your family and mine, a thing which has recently come to concern me regarding most other girls. Because I really want nothing more than to love and raise a family, and as that goes I think you and I are in agreement on most things. Because I'm not a picky eater, and I like vegitables and Irish Dancing and music and art and culture. Because I've always wanted to go to Ireland for my honeymoon. Because you're pretty and Catholic and Irish, even if you don't have auburn hair. Because you know me as my friends know me, which even if it's an easy thing seems to not be a common thing.

The trouble is, though, the same as ever; as you said, I can't be sure until I try. I still can't offer you definites. We never did get around to trying, and now it seems that you have something that's pretty sure. So I can't really ask you to give up a "yes" in exchange for a "maybe," but perhaps if it weren't as "yes" as it seems... I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I don't even know him. I just think I'm better, is all.

I don't know if I'll ever get around to telling you this.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
So I was thinking today. I've actually thought about it regularly every now and then, but I was thinking about it today again. And I think I'd like to date you, because it seems to make sense. You're Irish Catholic, and even if you don't have auburn hair, that's just a quirky preference anyways. Your family lives in Virginia and mine in Maryland, so we could both live close to home; one of my greatest fears regarding a relationship right now is becoming the proverbial bird and fish who fall in love -- where would we live? I like Irish dance and all sorts of food, not the least of which being meat and potatoes and vegitables. You want to stay at home and school your kids, and I'd like the same for mine. You're pretty. You're Catholic. I remember the two of us talking for hours some nights, and that's a really great thing to be able to do. I'll make a good dad, and a good husband. And I'm losing my train of thought, now, but I think I've said most of the pertinent bits.

Trouble is, you have something now that looks pretty solid, and I can still only offer a 'maybe,' mostly because I don't think I'll ever be able to say anything more definite than 'maybe' until things get tried out. Which is actually what we said several months ago, before any of this came falling down the way it did. So I can't ask you to give up a solid thing for an uncertain thing. But maybe if that certain thing were not so certain... -shrugs-

Anyways. You needn't respond to this. In fact, I think I'd feel better if you didn't. The facts are the facts, is all, and I'm just saying. Worst case, I'm no worse off for having said them than I was anyways, am I?
jackofallgeeks: (Wrath)
I just sent of my email to Meghan basically saying "yeah, it's not going to work between us."
Which meant bringing the whole "give up your friends" and "own your wife" bits to the front of my mind again.
I'm so furious, I'm gritting my teeth so hard they hurt even when I'm consciously trying to relax.
jackofallgeeks: (Integrity)
Thoughts and opinions wanted specifically, once more.
Cut for your convenience. )
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
I don't want to be someone's first.
After you've had your heart broken once or twice, then maybe we can talk...

It's late...
jackofallgeeks: (chixor)
I like slight girls. Shorter (but not too-short) girls with small frames and small breasts. The sort of girl who might break if you hold her too tightly, but not to be confused with the sickeningly-thin girls that often parade around the media. I like a healthy-looking girl. Feeling ribs and vertebrae, let alone seeing them, is not my thing.

My history is sprinkled with blondes (Julia, Jean, Emily, Claire), but I think I'm partial to brunettes. In theory, I like redheads, but I don't think I've ever actually been attracted to one. I like girls with medium-short to medium-long hair, simply because more can be done with it. I like hair that's styled, layered, or otherwise cut interestingly. Longer hair is alright, so long as it's worn nicely; I'm a big fan of half-up, french- and german-braids, and so on. Simply having the hair down or in a regular braid just seems boring. I also like curly hair with a suitably-loose crimp.
If you know what a snood is (aside from that random internet bust-a-move-type game), I find those oddly attractive.

I love eyes. I don't think I have a preference, really, but I may just be unaware. Miss Bledel (and a number of my old girlfriends) has lovely blue eyes. A pair of brown eyes were, in effect, the motivation for me joining YOA, which was a very good thing for me. Green eyes are exotic, and appropriately Irish to catch my personal bias.

I like a girl with angular features, prominent cheek bones, and perhapse a thin, sharp nose. I'm not overly fond of button-noses, nor particularly large noses. I'm not generally a fan of rounded faces; I like a face with more definition. I like thin lips and small mouths. I adore facial freckles.
I'm particularly and oddly fond of the spot right where the jaw meets the neck.

I like a girl who is elegant, and has an almost-aristocratic bearing, even when she's in jeans and a t-shirt. I like a girl with a sort if feline grace. I'm also fond of girls in the morning, just as they get up, bleary-eyed with mussed-up hair.

I like an intelligent, mathematically- and logically-minded girl. Someone who can follow and appreciate my odd fascination with numbers, philosophy, the sciences, and any number of other things. I like a girl who can hold an intelligent hours-long discussion with me. I like a girl who is generally reserved and quiet (which probably factors into the regal air), but isn't difficult to carry a conversation with. I like a girl who appreciates thorough vocabulary and well-constructed grammar. I like a girl who can (and will) laugh, but more so I'm attracted to a figure of seriousness.

I'm attracted to a girl who wants to be a mother, and who earnestly wants to raise her children.

I'm attracted to a girl who is attracted to me.
jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
Sometimes I think, "Forget all this romance bull. I'll stick with my friends, thank you very much."
Of course, they aren't here, either.

I Reply:

Oct. 17th, 2005 06:02 pm
jackofallgeeks: (Friends)
Well, This was a post well-made. Since I'd be saying much of the same things to each of you anyways, I thought I might just post my thoughts here.

With a couple of notable exceptions, the consensus seems over-whelming: If it's not there, don't push it. Give it time, and things will come as they ought. Which is what I'd been feeling this whole time, anyways. Of course, things are never as simple as they may appear, and I've never been a man of few words (unless I'm overcome by emotion of one sort or another).

Oh, and before we go on, thanks for the replies. Like, really. I could go on and on about it, but yeah, thanks.

I go on, and on, and on... )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Like the subject? I came up with it myself. If you can see this, it's intentional, so, yeah, y'know...

So, this here is locked deeper than 'Friends Only.' Which is rare for me, as 'Friends Only' is about as deep as I put anything at all, and it's usually just time-specific stuff that will gen Unlocked as soon as I go through my Journal with just such a purpose, which happens once or twice a year. I mean, this thing's up here so people can Know who I am, so what's the point is keeping things closed? I've nothing to hide. And this will probably be Unlocked in time, too.

There's a few people locked out of this. The group's currently named 'Romance-Free,' which is a misnomer, because it's the people who are Locked Out who don't get the romance.

No, that doesn't mean this is a 'mushy' filter, bear with me.

The most notable bit is that my friend Meghan is Locked Out of this, because how can I make my plans with her reading over my proverbial shoulder?

Let me es'plain. )

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John Noble

August 2012

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