jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
I saw Emily on AIM.
We didn't talk; she was already asleep and only had an away message up.
It was one of those "I am X. I am Y. I am Z" sorts of messages, listing different attributes which she defines herself by.
I miss knowing her.
jackofallgeeks: (Solemn)
I've been going back and tagging my old entries, for easy sorting and such. There's a lot of stuff back there. -smirk- It's almost funny how similar it is to everything up here.

Today I IM'd Emily for the first time in what could easily be years. She didn't reply before I'd gone out, then she wasn't there when I got back in, then we crossed paths for a short moment, long enough to say 'Hi' and for her to say she couldn't chat because of work.

Anyways. A part of me would like to revive the friendship. Another part really doesn't care. And I think the second part has the upper hand, because it requires much less effort to get it's way.
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
Before I start, let me say that I don't mean to insult anyone, and I know we all have our own lives to live, things to see and people to do and all that. I'm just still in a sour mood from last night, and it's my journal, dam it.

I'm irritated.
My mom once (ha, once he says...) told me that I'm over sensitive. I would get upset (that means he cried, people) over the simplest things. She was right, to an extent, but it's more I take personally what people don't intend to be personal. If my mom was upset because the house wasn't getting picked up, I would take it as a personal affront and get upset because, dam it, I was picking up (that's a classic example).

Right now I'm isulted by the silence I've found online. No e-mails, but more pertinent to this journal, no comments. I don't mean that, not really - I DO have comments on here, but often it's just one short little comment, and where there's more than one, it's typical that I made half of them.
This really isn't a big deal, and it wouldn't irritate me so save for one thing - if I just wanted to reflectf, I could save myself quite a bit of time and effort just by writing in my REAL journal, or making a note-pad, or just talking to myself. I WRITE this because I WANT people to tell me what they're thinking. I'm not looking for false, sugar coated "everything's fine" posts, and I'm not fishing for compliments. I would just like SOMETHING to happen on my Journal.

Like I said, I'm still sour from last night, and due to the events of last night and my current mood now, I think I'm just under some kind of stress. Just that time of the month, I suppose.

An update on that thing last night - I've rather cooled off since then. Sour, yes, but not quite so upset. I remembered that the day after I went to Virginia Beach, I did talk with Emily, for actual minutes, and there are moments, like Young Fire, where I can almost see what we had once. I'm just really confused and scared. I don't like losing friends (especially pretty ones), I've done it far too often in my time.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
OK, let me see if I can explain this. I really don't think I can, seeing none of you know the full story, and I'm begining to doubt wether or not I do.
*Deep Breath* )
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
There's alot I want to say, and I would like to say it eloquently, but my head is full of stuff. Like cotton, not actual thoughts. And so, I think I'll just try to stumble my way throiugh this - after all, I do this Journal to let others know what's going on, and to hear their comments on my life. If I simply wanted to think or remember, I'd simply write this down in a private place (and if you argue that this is the Computer Geek equivalent, I'd throw Notepad in your face. Touché). So I WANT people reading this to have some idea of what's going on in my life and to have a window into my head.

But that's neither here nor there. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Upon returning to your boyhood town, you realize that it wasn't the town you had longed for.

It was your boyhood. )
jackofallgeeks: (Goofy)
Yes, yes it was. )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I'm at another one of those points. I want to say something, but it sounds so... i'm going to try and forget that you guys are here, and we'll see what happens.

I'm ancious to see Emily this comming weekend. I'm hopeful of seeing her at Young Fire, and her not hating me, and maybe, I don't know, we can get to be good friend, like I remember us being before I moved to Washington. Though, even at that, I think my time in Washington increased our friendship. I just feel so removed, I guess....

One may be surprised that I'm afraid of Emily quote 'hating' me. Maybe not. No, I don't think it could be that bad, not really. But even given how ALL my friends say I'm such a great guy, and that any girl who passes me up doesn't know what she's missing, you'll note that I am still single. It may, very convincingly, be argued that it's my own fault, which I won't nessisarily dispute, but as Aaron's pointed out, it can't be all me, now can it?

I'm also anxious to see Claire in another couple of weeks. I like seeing Claire, and spending time with her, and as much as she argues the point, I fear I hurt her everytime I mention Emily. I really do care for her, which brings me to my final point.

You see, Leslie, I believe, once commented on how noble, or romantic, or otherwise generally good it was that I still had feelings for Emily, or something like that. I don't dispute it, not entirely. I just wish to point out a small observation. That is, even given how much I allegedly like either of these girls, you'll note that I can't seem to stay true to either of them. *sigh* Maybe I think too much.

And with that, I go to bed. Physics at 9am, yeah. And I didn't get the last three homework problems, either. So much the Fun Stuff.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Have you ever not said something, publicly or privately, because you "know" how people will react to it, and that's not what you want? As an example, you intended to make a comment on this or that, but you didn't because you were sure that people would feel sorry for you, and that's really not what you want?

Maybe it's an obscure concept, but I've been told that I'd be hard pressed to find something everyone hasn't felt before. I THINK this is how I feel, but i'm not sure. You see, I'd intended to make this post about an hour ago, but I was determined to get my English reading done. Now, I remember the intent, but not the cause. In any case, it's an interesting point to ponder.

In Other News )
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
That is, I've already used a derivative of "my life is a dark pit of darkness" as a subject, so I dare not use it again.

But thus is how I feel.

You all know, or think you know, the events of my, for lack of a better term, love life. I'm sure, or think I'm sure, that none of you do. Oh, yes, generally, I'm confident you know where things are going. The general direction of things, the "big names", if you will. But I know for a fact that only one of you have ever heard the name "Nina" uttered by me.
That name is rather irrelevent, even if the girl is not, but it serves to illustrate a point.

That point is that even here, even among friends, and perfect strangers, I can't say all that could be said. Though, I suppose maybe I've made that clear.

Tonight, at just before 9:20, I hit a low point. Partially self-inflicted, though I doubt that it was wholly unavoidable.

You all know, or think you know, how I feel about Claire. I won't dispute the fact that I care deeply for her, but that's not what's under inspection. I admit that I mention this just so she doesn't doubt how I feel about her.

Can any of you say you know how I feel about Emily anymore? I'm sure, or think I'm sure, that I can't. For whatever reasons, personal or exterior, my focus is gone. i USED to know something. Now, nothing.

You all know about the letter, and much as you may think it was a good idea, and much as it seemed it would do good, I supremely regret that letter.
No, no, regret isn't a good word, or perhaps it is. i'm not sure - there's very little I regret in my life. But the fact remains that i'm convinced it ewas a wholly selfish act. You see, it was the not knowing which tore me apart - the not knowing how she felt. And while honesty may well be the best policy, I think it was a failure on my part, sending that letter. I fear that I effectively relieved myself by putting unnessisary worries and cares on Emily's shoulders, and as I told Leslie, I'd rather suffer silently than cause her to suffer needlessly.

It goes beyond that. I said that I can't imagine how seeing her could not be 'weird' (at least, I think I said that). I'm afraid now more than ever that she doesn't want to see me. And for the first time ever I fear her family doesn't want to see me, either.

See, I haven't heard anything, good or bad, since sending the accursed thing. Now, while not-hearing is quite ambiguous, the nature of my fears makes it frighteningly clear, at least from my perspective. I can't imagine Emily would just flat out ignore me, or the Crofts in general, but if they were, isn't this what would happen, anyways?

Why was the time before 9:20 a low point one may finally ask? You see, I was talking with Oli, feeling rather "eh" and Becky, Emily's sister came online. Typically, when I see one of the twins, I would say "hi", and they typically would not respond, for time reasons. I was OK with that. But since sending the letter, their silence is very discourging. I didn't IM Becky, and made a note of her being online to Oli. Oli said she was sure Emily would get on, and I said that's what I was afraid of. I thought about it more, thought about her more, and just got more and more down. I finally put up an away message after telling Oli to keep an eye out for Claire and Emily for me, and had every intention of walking away from my computer - likely to sulk. Alas, it was not to be.

Yes, as soon as the message was up, at about 9:15, Emily got on. Yes, Oli, she did, and I sat here, watching. Watching what? Nothing. Nothing at all - just sat here listlessly watching her name, just above Oli's, on my buddylist. I didn't move for long minutes, and like her sister before her, Emily spent some little time on. Being weak as I am, I decided to pull down the message and say hi. What could it hurt? So, I did that, pulled down the message and said "hi".

She got off line.

It may well be nothing has changed - it may be the Croft girls still simply don't talk, as they always have. It may be the hexxed letter never made it to Emily.
But even at that, it doesn't change the discouraging effects of someone just dropping off like that. Least of all her.

Would I have been better just staying away? Or would it have been better to stall those last few seconds and say hi, first thing, as always? Was it unavoidable in the least? It's unconsequential, for now, if ever, and so now I go to sulk. But before I do, I have one other observation -

If I claim to care about Claire so much, and yet I get like this over Emily, what does that make me? If I claim that I care, or ever did care, about Emily as much as we all know I have, and now I don't know, what does that make me? Am I so fickle? Am I so shallow? Am I really this self-centered?

No, no, those are rhetorical questions, my friends, rhetorical questions. I leave you now, for my dark pit.


Jan. 8th, 2002 06:45 pm
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Just, Snarg.

There's a word for how I feel, yet for one normally so articulate, I can't think of it. I feel...confined. Like something is pushing down in on me from all sides. In a sense "depressed" isappropriate, but in the way that a button is depressed, not emotionally. Strained, maybe, or streached, but in a compact, cramped kind of way. I feel like I want to burst, in a way.

(Sidenote - this is a VERY good song. 'Rocketship' by Guster. I highly reccomend it. Highly.)

One might ask why I feel so indescribable. To that I answer: why do I do anything?

Yup. Girls.

In one way, it's quite straight forward, and yet not. In another, completely sepparate way, it's not so simple, and yet more so. You see, on the one hand, I'm frustrated about the situation, or perhaps lack there of, with Emily. In particular, I still regret that letter. Say what you will, argue as you like, but in this case I hold that it's a situation best let be. I should have never sent that letter - I should have taken my own advice, followed my gut, and just worked at being her friend. In the end, after all, I'm much more attracted to my friends than anyone else.

But no, I had to send the letter, and determined as I am to see the girl, I can't imagine a way in which it won't be awkward. And so, it's simple in that Emily is the focus of what disturbs me, but not so in that it's been more or less self inflicted. pray, my friends, that this all works out smoothly, and i don't mean that artisticly. I'm really asking you to pray.

The other side is more complicated, and yet more simple. You see, I've come, once again, to the point where I can no longer ignore the fact that people are reading this. I can't say "this" for fear of hurting her, and I can't say "that" for fear of hurting her, and I can't say "the other" for fear of hurting, well, hurting me, I guess. it's not so streamlined as to only have 3 subjects, but that's the simplest way to explain it.

And so I say "Snarg."

Not as bad as it seems, never as bad as I make it out.
jackofallgeeks: (Default)
I had a dream Saturday night. That night, I'd started playing a Dungeons and Dragons game with Aaron, Yon, Ben, and Dave. My character, Cedric Shepherd, is a brash young fighter who seems to like combat (duh) but isn't the most intelegent of combatants - full-frontal assault seems to be his main strategy. Tonight we played again, and he nearly died twice in the same battle, and is currently holding unconcious and near-death.

But, the D&D game is really quite irrelevant to the dream. Lable it a 'diversion' if you will.

I dreamt about Emily. I don't remember much of the dream, needless to say. It's amazing I remember anything - I never even recognize that I HAVE dreamt, most nights.

Anyways, it was dark, and I was walking, in Emily's neigborhood, I think. And then I saw them - a whole group of people from YOA, my Youth Group. There was Becky, Emily, and Marcus in particular, I don't remember the rest. But when I saw them, the first thing I did was run and Emily a big hug. I miss her.

I don't know what else to say. I think I've said most everything in a recent post anyways. I think I really don't know what I want right now. I don't think I know what to think right now. Maybe I'm just generally confused right now. I need more sleep, definately, and I need to stop thinking about girls for a little while...

My mind is such a complete blank right now. I had had more to say about girls (read: "Emily and Claire"), but for the life of me can't remember what. I can't even think of what there could be TO say. For once, I am speachless.

Yet, for a speachless man, I do say alot...
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
Well, it should come as no surprise to any of you that, yet again, I have something to say. i'm not really sure how to say it, though.

I'd like to say that me and Claire have made a connection, if you will. I'd LIKE to, but i'm afraid to, and that of course is the topic for tonight.

You see, I am a man of many doubts. I doubt everything, from what time and space are, to whether people really see the same 'colors', to the basic humanity of other people, to what others may think, to what I think, to what I feel, to WHY I feel like that, even to the the point of IF I really I feel like that.

Simply put, I'm constantly full of doubts. I don't know what that makes me, but there it is. I guess. Anyways, back on topic. i'm afraid to say that because while I AM glad that me and Claire made a connection, I'm almost afraid to say anything on it, for fear that that connection will fall through, I guess. I don't even know, because I still do want to tell her everything.

I kinda feel bad, though. I feel bad that I'm always talking about Claire - not for any of your sakes, mind you, you choose to read this - but because it seems I've simply dropped Emily. And I haven't - just about anytime that I think about Claire, I think about Emily, too. And that makes me feel bad - for Claire. Not to the point, I guess, that I don't want to think about Emily, because I do want to, but I still feel bad for Claire due to it. Y'know?

My situation is quite boggling, at least on my end. I mean... Well, it's not a bad thing that.... I mean to say, yoiu can't blame me for not wanting to forget about Emily, right? Not when I haven't heard anything from her and still think, maybe, there could be a chance for me, right?
That makes me feel bad, too, for Claire. I can't quite explain how or why, but I would assume it's rather self-explainatory.

Of course, having said all of this, I could sound quite stupid. If either of them really isn't interested my conflict doesn't exist (I think it would hurt, but that's besides the point). If my fears are completely baseless, again I sound stupid. Really, I find it hard to imagine a case where I don't sound stupid.

And so, I guess, seeing as I have nothing to lose, I might as well continue with my policy of honesty. I've been successful, I think, with Claire, and at least marginally so with Emily. Maybe I can one day be completely honest with everyone.

Anyways, though, I guess things come down to...something? I donno. I really like Claire, and at the same time I really like Emily. I love spending time with Claire, and I'd love to spend time with Emily. I love talking with Claire, and I'd love to have the CHANCE to talk to Emily.... It seems, to an extent, that Emily is the ideal, while Claire is actuality. That sounds mean, though, and I don't mean it in certain senses of those words....

I don't really want to make any contrasts between Emily and Claire for fear of hurting someone's feelings. :-\
Maybe sometime...
For now, I sleep.
jackofallgeeks: (Moof)
A friend of mine tonight commented on an earlier post of mine, and presented me with this question:
"Don't You Want (Emily) To Take You Seriously?"

She tagged it as food for thought, and of course, I ate it right up. Rachel'll give me a hard time for saying this, but I do rather enjoy thinking, even when (typically) it turns down the dark corridors of my mind (dark as in uncomfortable, not unused ^_^). And so, being me (and you guys may find this hard to believe) I thought about it.

She was refering to The Letter, which may yet turn out to be not so regrettable as it appears, but one can never say. That's aside the point. She refered to the letter, asking if I wanted her to take me seriously in the matter. Granted, it's quite simply "yes" - I'd be a fool or worse if I wanted her to take it as a joke. And yet, I retain that, given the subject matter, I don't think it could be mistaken, though I could be wrong. That's as far as my thoughts went on that issue, but I didn't stop there. I never stop at an obvious ending point. No, not I.

Of course, the topic turned broader, from if I wanted HER to take me seriously, to wether I really wanted ANYONE to take me seriously. Again, it would follow that, yes, I do want to be taken seriously, but maybe that's not the issue after all. It may well be an issue of wether I want to....'seem' isn't the right word, but seems to fit well enough. Wether I want to seem serious...no, that's not even the right word.

I guess it's not so much "seriousness" that I'm concerned with. Or rather, maybe "seriousness" itself is what should be under scrutiny, as opposed to being TAKEN seriously. No one would argue the point that a stand-up comedian is nessisarily serious, though they may be BEING serious, to an extent, and one could alsoi take a comedian seriously. Comedians, like anyone else, typically have something to say, and comedy is their medium. Be it rediculous or exagerated, true humor revolves around truth - if there's no truth in it somewhere, even if it's a blatant LACK of truth (or perhaps, more an opposite to truth) that's where true humor is.

Which, of course, leads to an interesting observation. Much of what passes for comedy these days doesn't qualify, really, as humor. No, I would greatly argue that point, and it's my personal conviction that much of the comedy out there is rather insulting to my intellegence, and I should hope insulting to others.

A kid throws a brick at a robber's forehead, who subsequently staggers back onto a rollerskate and falls down the stairs and out through the front window. At first glance, yes, maybe it's almost humorous, but I would say it's humorous in the implausibility of the chain reaction, not in the act itself, and upon closer inspection, I would say it lacks most any humor.

Now then, many out there would argue with me. Or, at the least, disagree with me if they couldn't formulate an argument. They would try to show that throwing bricks at people is funny, but I digress, and so would they. The fact remains, as I asserted, that comedy revolves on truth. This argument sheds doubt on classic Roadrunner cartoons, which would earn me the animosity of many Americans today. I would almost argue with myself on that point - I grew up with those cartoons, as well.

And now here's another interesting observation - you have seen on a small scale how my thoughts flow. It seems to follow, like most anything else, and at the same time doesn't quite seem to fit. Ironically, also, I do believe this post began with me argueing that I'm not completely serious, ever, and yet I ended up with a reasonable debate within my own mind.

And yet, even at that, it's a debate on COMEDY of all things. Really, can one argue that a serious debate on the nature of comedy is wholly serious? Wheels within wheels, my friends. Wheels within wheels.


Nov. 26th, 2001 09:15 am
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
To whom it may concern (and, apparently, to those it doesn't as well) I have sent the letter. I may yet regret that move, I think, though it may just be my typical knee-jerk reaction. I almost feel like I should write an apology letter, though, that would be an impulsive thing to do seeing as I don't yet know how she'll take the letter.

I don't even know right now WHY I wrote it. Say what you will, but that's a given truth about my life, or my psyche - I'm not entirely sure why I do much of anything. I feel right now that it was rather a selfish move on my part, which may be why I regret it. I may have regretted it even before I dropped the letter in the box. I shouldn't be as concerned with this as I seem to be (though, in truth, I'm not sure I'm as concerned as I seem), and I should almost think it was a cruel thing to drop it in her lap.

I mean, I should imagine that she's doing well enough right now, with school and friends - I don't need the stress that comes as a consequence of this, I'm sure she doesn't. And I'm the one who's pushed it on her.

I think, maybe, I should have just sent her here. that prolly would have gotten my point across without seeming so bull-headed about it.

*sigh* As you can tell, I think this was a dumb move. But then, I've never been known for my intellegence. ^_-
In the end, I'm sure it will all work out for the better, though the fear comes in knowing that "for the better" may not be what I currently hope; though, one must wonder wether what I curently hope for the future will be what I'm finally thankful for in the past.

And, seeing as I've reached my deep thought for this post, I leave you.
jackofallgeeks: (Contemplative)
I did it.

I wrote the letter.

My mouth went completely dry writing it - I'm such a wuss.

I don't think I said everything, and I fear I said to much, but everything I did say I think I wanted to say.

Now it only remains to be seen if I send it.

More on this later. Maybe.


jackofallgeeks: (Default)
John Noble

August 2012

   12 34


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 05:45 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios