Tears of a clown.

[jackofallgeeks]

So, sometimes I think there's a lot more going on inside my head than I'm aware of. Scratch that; I always think there's a lot more going on inside my head than I'm aware of, but sometimes it strikes my particularly hard.

I'm feeling down again. And by 'again' I don't mean since the last time I mentioned it on here. I mean it's probably been a solid week now -- with a possible exception on the days when I had great breakthroughs in my work -- but a long stretch of time when I would just feel really heartbroken at night. Which isn't itself anything new, I get heartbroken at night, but it's just been more persistent lately. It's not really anything in particular. I just feel so sad. Lonely.

Being in Virginia was good for me. I got to see Leslie regularly for the first time in years, and while we don't always get along like proverbial peas, she's one of my dearest friends. I also got to see Louis again, and talk to Jesse who I think I like a lot more than shows. I'm always sorry she and I aren't better friends. Not to mention seeing my family nearly every week... It was good being back there.

Things aren't all bad here in California. I'm making more friends down at the card shop, which is cool, and I keep getting praised at school for, I donno, being smart or something. And that's nice. But... It's just different, I guess. I don't see Laurel much any more, not that I blame her. She's got a lot more going on in her life now, school and a boyfriend among other things. Fridays are the highlight of my week because that's when we have Drafts at the card shop -- but it's just (just) the playing Magic, it's seeing everyone. During the week, everything's kind of a blur, trudging from school to home and back again, pretty much keeping to my self. And at the end of the week, I'm just to exhausted, in every sense of the word, for much of anything.

I've been getting headaches, too. I think it's stress. There are a lot of things for me to stress out about. Not grades, really; I never stress about grades (consciously), and this quarter I'm doing so well there's no reason to worry subconsciously, either. I basically just have to complete my last three assignments and I'm assured a good grade. My thesis worries me. I have six months -- six months -- to research and write my thesis, and I don't even really know what it's supposed to be ON. Maybe I'm missing something, maybe it really is as simple as telling them what my thesis is on, but I don't know. (And yes, I know that's generally how it's done in most cases; mine is not most cases, and my thesis was pretty much given to me, it just feels like they haven't given me all of it...)

And then there are things I shouldn't even be thinking about at all because they're so... silly or stupid or out-in-the-future, or there's nothing I can do about them anyways, or... It's stupid.

Anyways. I'm way over-due for sleep. I was ready for bed at 7:00. That was four hours ago. I'm going to go put it off for another hour and then crawl in bed.

I just want to forget about the world for a while right now, and I'm having a very hard time doing that.

I don't like being alone when I'm sad.

Comments

I like you, too.

[xenu.livejournal.com]

Even though I seem to spend a great deal of time antagonizing you. :)

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Amusingly, I think your antagonism is a big part of why I like you. You make me think, and I so love thinking. And, believe it or not, you remind me that as different as people can seem, we're all pretty much the same at a certain level.

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

I know its hard being somewhere alone. I get headaches from stress, and for some reason exercising helps. No really, its weird. I get em when I have weeks like that, where its just work then being alone, then work, etc. The hard part about going to the gym is that weeks like that made me feel so tired. Aparently lack of energy is a sign of stress and depression, which isn't exactly uplifting.

You should do your thesis on the compairison of different statistcal/machine learning models for real world data segregation. You could compare conotical sets, hidden markov models, clustering algorithms, and of course k means (as a base). Though many people have done this before, if you do it on a new dataset its considered new research! The easy thing about it is that most of the algorithms have free implementations, so its really just a task of finding some nice database to use. If you do this let me know, I can reference your work in some of my papers.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, there is a downside or two to the program I'm in, and not being able to choose my thesis is one of them. Basically, I committed to working on their projects when I signed on and though there's a little wiggle room on which project I choose to work on, it's not much and it's most assuredly something to do with computer security.