I'm drowning.

[jackofallgeeks]

I'm sad, and I can't think of anything that will make me feel better.

Part of it is because I keep running into troubles with putting Annie together; like the KVM switch O got not having any cables, and the cables I bought not being quite right, and the on-board sound inexplicably not working. And a very little part of it has to do with my game, Oblivion not being here yet and on top of that the tracking that USPS offers hasn't been updated since the 4th, when they said my package was in Illinois. And a slightly bigger part of it is me thinking about all the wonderful girls I've known and how I've lost touch with them or they don't talk to me or they're happy with boys that aren't me. And I want to say finances are bugging me, too, but as I get a nice salary and I'm getting all my taxes refunded, that's just my brain grasping at straw.

But I have to be honest: the biggest thing that's bugging me right now is... really stupid.

I burnt some CDs on Thursday of last week from UnicronPrime to move data over to Annie. It got to be really mechanical, because I had a lot to move, and only 700MB blocks to do it in. I didn't bother with compilation info, just drag, drop and burn. Yesterday afternoon or evening I started moving the CDs over. They had all been named the same thing: by default they were labeled with the date I burned them. thursday of last week was April 6th. That's Suzannah's birthday.

I couldn't sleep last night. I didn't want to. I started doing pretty much anything to keep myself occupied. I spent several hours between midnight and 3am filing my taxes online. I tried to talk to a couple friends -- Megan, inebriated as she was, was helpful -- but I just felt... off. I wanted very badly to call Rachel, but I didn't. I want to call her now, but I'm not. I wouldn't be very good on the phone, anyways. And I figure, it's late, and she' fine without me, and I'll get over this. I miss her so much. I want to cry.

And it's stupid, and I think everyone out there thinks that I should be over this, that she treated me so unkindly and I should have gotten beyond it months ago. And for the most part I have, and for the most part I do alright, but it still hurts. I don't understand, and I can't let it go, and for that I'm a fool at best.

And I'm scared and I'm lost and I'm alone. And it's the same thing over and over again. I want to be back in Maryland. I want to be with my family and friends. I want to find someone to love. I want to feel like I have something worth working towards, something worth getting up for in the morning, because school and career and video games just don't cut it. And I can't help but feel I'll never find her. Because I'm sad and I'm broken, and nobody wants that.

I have class in the morning.

Comments

[namedphoenix.livejournal.com]

Hon, I think so many of the people our age feel exactly the same way.

Good luck on your road to feeling better. Just like you already said: You can't fit with someone else if you're broken inside first.

Mend yourself, and the rest will come when the time is right.

[starlight1184.livejournal.com]

Sweetie... you know that you can call me anytime if you need me. And if for some reason I don't answer, know that I will call you back as soon as I can. I'm sorry I'm so out of touch this year... but know that its not just you... I can't seem to keep in touch with ANYONE. Just too damn busy at school. But if you need me, don't hesitate to call, ok?

Feel better soon darlin.

[nif.livejournal.com]

I am walking out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan
Of the dial tone again
And I am getting no where with you
And I can't let go
And I get through

The old woman behind pink curtains
And closed doors on the first floor
She's listening through the air shaft
To see how long our swansong will last
And both hands, now use both hands
Oh now don't close your eyes
I am writing graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story
Of how hard we tried
How hard we tried.

I am watching your chest rise and fall
Like the tides of my life and the rest of it all
And your bones have been my bedframe
And your flesh has been my pillow
I've been waiting for sleep to offer up the deep
With both hands

In each other's shadow we grew less and less tall
And eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
And recording our history now on the bedroom wall
And when we leave the landlord will come
And paint over it all.

I am walking out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
And I am getting nowhere with you
And I can't let go.
And I can't get through...
-Ani DiFranco, Both Hands

That's what your post reminded me of.

[nif.livejournal.com]

And I ended that last sentence in a preposition. I suck.