As the blood runs red down the needle and thread...

[jackofallgeeks]

I talked with Amber earlier today, and in the course of explaining why it was that I felt sad today I mentioned that I was lonely, the Internet had been quiet, and certain people I'd like to talk to just weren't talking. She asked if there was anyone inparticular who I wanted to talk to and I said "Mary, Becky, Emily, Meghan, Suzannah, Jean... you might add Dorothy, but I'm not sure I'd want to speak with her these days." And she asked if I'd had any contact with Suzannah.

Not since August, when she told me not to speak to her again. And I know we've been through this all, and i'm 'better' about it, and i'm sure everyone out there has an opinion of Suzannah appropriate to how they view the situation. And that's all well and good, but... Well, I asked Amber how she would feel if her boyfriend told her, "don't speak to me again," and she said she'd be devastated. And while i'll admit that Amber and her boyfriend are on a higher level than Suzannah and I ever were (even in my own mind)...

The trouble is, I want to get back in touch with her. Because I miss my friend. And I counted her as a good (read: close) friend, and I enjoyed her company and I obviously liked her.

But there's no reconciling any of it. She never gave me a reason or explanation for what was wrong, and all-but told me she wouldn't respond if I wrote to her again. Those were the last words I ever had from her. And part of me wants to write to her and say, "hey, I'm engaged, how's life?" But that isn't likely to happen in the foreseeable future. And part of me wants to write to her and say how much she hurt me; not because it'd be news to her, she knew she was hurting me, but because there's a vindictive part of me that wants her to hurt.

The worst bit is that she left me right before I moved out here, right when I needed friends the most.

Comments

[nif.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a pretty shitty friend to me. Why would you want someone back who obviously has 1. no problems hurting you and 2. abandons you when you need her most without giving any reason?
I would totally hurt her back. Sorry if that makes me sound 5 years old, but I'm a vindictive bitch. And if I knew where she lived, I would totally go tell her that toying with other people's emotions-- especially those that consider themselves close to her and have wanted nothing except to enjoy her company-- is pretty un-fucking-Christian as far as I'm concerned. Maybe she should stop being so ego-centric and deal with the reprecussions of relating to other human beings instead of hiding behind a shield of noncommunication like a coward. So what if she didn't want to date you? She should own up to her actions to getting the two of you to this point and stop playing the untouchable pristine schoolgirl. People like her really piss me off.
Rant is over. I'm not sorry for having it, but I do realize this is a public forum so feel free to delete it.

[elwenlassriel.livejournal.com]

Aw, I'm so sorry for you my dear friend. I know it must be hard for you out there. And I know this thing with Suzannah is still hard for you, but trying to return hurt for hurt isn't going to help anyone. We both know you are above that. I know it's hard to accept, but if someone shuts you out like that, they aren't worth trying to get back. She will likely only end up hurting you yet again.

I know it’s really hard to lose a friend, particularly like that. But we must pick ourselves back up, hard though it may be, turn to our other friends for help and support and just carry on. That is all you can do sometime. Life will get better for you, you just wait and see. Keep your chin up, my friend, and remember to smile. ;)