And her name was...
Nov. 30th, 2006 09:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksSo, as Dawn noted, it's been over a week now since I mentioned meeting and kinda falling for a girl named Ashley, and inquiring minds want to know. What it is, exactly, that they want to know I haven't the foggiest idea, but I've been meaning to say more on the topic anyways. So, here goes.
I guess the first thing I should set down is that her name, not-contrary to popular belief, is Kira. I say not-contrary because her name is Ashley, too. Without going into all the details, Kira is her middle name, but she's hopped back and forth between being Ashley and being Kira; in fact, on the site she named herself as Ashley Kira. i asked her, though, what she uses when she thinks of herself -- much as how I'll answer to many names, but when I think of me I think 'Andrew.' She said she thinks of herself as Kira, and so she shall be.
We met, as I mentioned, on a dating site. eHarmony, if you must know. I'll say this for them: they have a nice profiling system. Ostensibly, I got reeled in because I really like personality quizzes, and I couldn't pass up the chance to see what they said about me. More to the point, I kinda fell for the girl they described in the "who you're looking for" report, so they get points there, too. I ended up paying for the site because they matched me with an interesting girl, and you need to sign up to talk. Unfortunately (or not, as the case may be) that fell through, but it lasted through my trial week which means I'd by then paid in for six months. Whee.
It was the morning of Friday the 18th. It was my day off and one of the few I decided to just take for myself; I spent the whole day straightening my apartment, poking at the Internet, and playing video games. Kira and I were matched that morning, and she fell into the category of "interesting enough to initiate communication with." eHarmony has a systematic 'guided communication' bit where you go step-by-step asking each other simple pre-written questions and answers to weed out false-positives their matching algorithm might make. There are roughly 8 steps (4 each back and forth) before you get to 'open communication' and start talking directly to each other. Kira and I, by some fluke, got through the entire process and were talking openly before dinner time. (It was the first time I'd completed the guided bit, which was crawling at a weeks-long pace with other girls.)
Like I alluded to in the previous post, we have a lot in common. we're both family-oriented, in that we're both close to our respective families and we're both intent on having one of our own. We both want large families and have a reputation for such -- she's had similar experiences as I have regarding wanting a dozen kids or so, and in her profile even alluded to the fact that, when dating, it's prudent to keep one's desire for children hush-hush, lest you scare people. She wants to get married and be a stay-at-home mom; she's an Architectural Designer and specifically not and architect because she doesn't want a complicated career to get in the way when she decides to have kids. She's intelligent and appreciates my humor -- so much so that I apparently amuse her without really meaning to. -smirk- We both think that society has issues with selfishness, over-emphasis on individualism, materialism, and we agree that our educational system is in need of major work. She may even think less of the school system than I do, if such a thing is possible.
We both agree that a marriage is a partnership of equals and friends, and that two of the keys to a successful marriage are open communication and mutual support. I am personally a firm believer that you never publicly side against your spouse -- discussion of issues and arguments one way or the other are fine behind closed doors, but a couple should stand together against the world despite all else. We both agree that house chores and child-rearing should be both spouse's responsibility (you couldn't keep me from having a hand in raising my children), and that children should never have the notion, let alone the opportunity, to play one parent against the other (kind of going back to my bit about always standing together).
An important point, if you've been following my dating life for any amount of time, is that we're both Catholic. I haven't dated a Catholic since 7th grade*, and almost across the board religious differences have been a factor in my break-ups over the last five years.
There was actually a few days of panic there when it seemed that she was drastically more traditional than I was. Only attends Latin masses and similar bits. It was late, I was tired and scared (thanks to my history) and kind of panicked that religion might be the kill-switch again. This came up right before Thanksgiving (some 3 or 4 days after we'd met), and we both agreed to step back and just enjoy the time with our families, and then to return to this after the holiday. In the mean time, I looked at what had been said and concluded that despite my initial impression, there's really not much difference in what she and I believe and my panic was simply fear. I said as much on Friday or Saturday, and the issue pretty much concluded there.
Just yesterday we exchanged a couple more emails. She wanted to make sure we were on the same page and brought up (1) timeframes we're each looking as regarding this relationship, (2) the fact that our families live rather far apart (she and her family are in Idaho of all places), and she thinks it's important that kids get to know their extended relatives (and, implicitly, 'what do we do about that?), and (3) that most of her friends are guys and, more directly, I'm not the only guy in her life -- I don't know if she actually has other prospect in mind or if, like me, she was just covering all her bases. The language she used, "I can't foresee my future, unfortunately, and I'm just trying to cover all my bases so as not to send you any false signals," sounds like something I would say, but it's dangerous to make assumptions.
My response basically read thus:
Firstly, as much as I wish I'd been married last year, school and the related responsibilities really prevent me from committing to anything really serious for the next 12 to 18 months at least. Personally, I think that's still rather short-term, and I'd like to be married within 18 to 36 months if possible -- that is, if I were to have found the sort of girl I'm looking for, I don't see any reason to delay much beyond my graduation.
Secondly, family's important to me, too, and I want my kids to know their relatives on both sides. At the same time, I don't expect to meet a girl who lives near my family, nor do I really expect my family to stay as concentrated as they are now (most of us haven't even really moved out of our parents' house yet). That being said, it just comes down to applying effort toward what's important. Cross-country trips aren't easy or cheep, but they are doable -- and like everything else in life, as I see it, it's a matter of setting priorities and making decisions. Where my family is to live will be dictated a little bit by where I can get a job, but my career is meant to serve my family, and so where I take a job will be dictated by what's best for my family.
Thirdly, most of my friends are girls, and I wouldn't give them up for anything. Leslie has been my very good friend for nigh on a decade now, and Anastasiya is like a little sister to me, not to mention all my other dear lady friends. I don't think there's a problem with anyone maintaining other friendships, particularly if the other is included in socializing at least some of the time. I think it's unhealthy, to say the least, when one insists the other stop seeing or speaking to this or that friends. When the rubber hits the road, it's a trust issue, and I need to be able to trust the girl who's going to be my wife. If I can't trust her to be with guy friends and still remain faithful, then she's not the girl for me, anyways. And though I may feel a little threatened, I need her to be with me because she honestly wants to be -- if she decides someone's better, I don't want her to stay with me for some silly 'first come, first served' reason, or out of fear of hurting me.
Added to that, if she meant that she may yet find someone else, I let her know that I haven't stopped actively looking elsewhere, either. My profiles are still active on a couple dating sites (though I have little faith that they'll find me anyone, and less still that they'll find me someone who's a better match) and I'm still open to being set up by friends and family. 'Cast a wide net,' and all that. Despite the fact that, so far, Kira is everything I'm looking for, I'm not going to hinge on Us until we're more settled and serious about it. I already know I attach very easily, and unless I guard myself with due diligence I only risk being hurt that much more if it ends.
She only had a moment last night to reply to that, but she said that skimming it reassured her that we were 'on the same page,' and made her feel relieved. -smiles- Which I guess is a good thing.
So, that's where we stand. I think, because of past experience mostly, that I'm probably quite a bit more into her than she is into me, but Leslie, Anastasiya, and Laurel have all told me in the last few days that I'm a great guy ('unique and special were Leslie's words, I think) and I shouldn't sell myself short on how desirable I am. -laughs-
And that is all probably much more about my dating habits, thoughts on relationships, and general rambling than any of you ever really wanted, so I'll stop here.
*It has come to my attention that I was effectively dating both Suzannah and Meghan, and to pretend otherwise is little more than self-delusion. Arguably, they were the least functional of any relationship I've had (arguably, what was between Suzannah and I might rightly be called dysfunctional), but the only way we could be seen as not-dating is more-or-less by a technicality. So strictly speaking I've dated two Catholics since 7th grade, but it's really not that important.
And yeah, if you hadn't noticed, I'm really kind of enamoured by this girl. I'd really like for this to go 'somewhere,' and while I have a tendency to worry about botching stuff like this up, the more she and I talk the more comfortable I feel. So, there y'go.
I guess the first thing I should set down is that her name, not-contrary to popular belief, is Kira. I say not-contrary because her name is Ashley, too. Without going into all the details, Kira is her middle name, but she's hopped back and forth between being Ashley and being Kira; in fact, on the site she named herself as Ashley Kira. i asked her, though, what she uses when she thinks of herself -- much as how I'll answer to many names, but when I think of me I think 'Andrew.' She said she thinks of herself as Kira, and so she shall be.
We met, as I mentioned, on a dating site. eHarmony, if you must know. I'll say this for them: they have a nice profiling system. Ostensibly, I got reeled in because I really like personality quizzes, and I couldn't pass up the chance to see what they said about me. More to the point, I kinda fell for the girl they described in the "who you're looking for" report, so they get points there, too. I ended up paying for the site because they matched me with an interesting girl, and you need to sign up to talk. Unfortunately (or not, as the case may be) that fell through, but it lasted through my trial week which means I'd by then paid in for six months. Whee.
It was the morning of Friday the 18th. It was my day off and one of the few I decided to just take for myself; I spent the whole day straightening my apartment, poking at the Internet, and playing video games. Kira and I were matched that morning, and she fell into the category of "interesting enough to initiate communication with." eHarmony has a systematic 'guided communication' bit where you go step-by-step asking each other simple pre-written questions and answers to weed out false-positives their matching algorithm might make. There are roughly 8 steps (4 each back and forth) before you get to 'open communication' and start talking directly to each other. Kira and I, by some fluke, got through the entire process and were talking openly before dinner time. (It was the first time I'd completed the guided bit, which was crawling at a weeks-long pace with other girls.)
Like I alluded to in the previous post, we have a lot in common. we're both family-oriented, in that we're both close to our respective families and we're both intent on having one of our own. We both want large families and have a reputation for such -- she's had similar experiences as I have regarding wanting a dozen kids or so, and in her profile even alluded to the fact that, when dating, it's prudent to keep one's desire for children hush-hush, lest you scare people. She wants to get married and be a stay-at-home mom; she's an Architectural Designer and specifically not and architect because she doesn't want a complicated career to get in the way when she decides to have kids. She's intelligent and appreciates my humor -- so much so that I apparently amuse her without really meaning to. -smirk- We both think that society has issues with selfishness, over-emphasis on individualism, materialism, and we agree that our educational system is in need of major work. She may even think less of the school system than I do, if such a thing is possible.
We both agree that a marriage is a partnership of equals and friends, and that two of the keys to a successful marriage are open communication and mutual support. I am personally a firm believer that you never publicly side against your spouse -- discussion of issues and arguments one way or the other are fine behind closed doors, but a couple should stand together against the world despite all else. We both agree that house chores and child-rearing should be both spouse's responsibility (you couldn't keep me from having a hand in raising my children), and that children should never have the notion, let alone the opportunity, to play one parent against the other (kind of going back to my bit about always standing together).
An important point, if you've been following my dating life for any amount of time, is that we're both Catholic. I haven't dated a Catholic since 7th grade*, and almost across the board religious differences have been a factor in my break-ups over the last five years.
There was actually a few days of panic there when it seemed that she was drastically more traditional than I was. Only attends Latin masses and similar bits. It was late, I was tired and scared (thanks to my history) and kind of panicked that religion might be the kill-switch again. This came up right before Thanksgiving (some 3 or 4 days after we'd met), and we both agreed to step back and just enjoy the time with our families, and then to return to this after the holiday. In the mean time, I looked at what had been said and concluded that despite my initial impression, there's really not much difference in what she and I believe and my panic was simply fear. I said as much on Friday or Saturday, and the issue pretty much concluded there.
Just yesterday we exchanged a couple more emails. She wanted to make sure we were on the same page and brought up (1) timeframes we're each looking as regarding this relationship, (2) the fact that our families live rather far apart (she and her family are in Idaho of all places), and she thinks it's important that kids get to know their extended relatives (and, implicitly, 'what do we do about that?), and (3) that most of her friends are guys and, more directly, I'm not the only guy in her life -- I don't know if she actually has other prospect in mind or if, like me, she was just covering all her bases. The language she used, "I can't foresee my future, unfortunately, and I'm just trying to cover all my bases so as not to send you any false signals," sounds like something I would say, but it's dangerous to make assumptions.
My response basically read thus:
Firstly, as much as I wish I'd been married last year, school and the related responsibilities really prevent me from committing to anything really serious for the next 12 to 18 months at least. Personally, I think that's still rather short-term, and I'd like to be married within 18 to 36 months if possible -- that is, if I were to have found the sort of girl I'm looking for, I don't see any reason to delay much beyond my graduation.
Secondly, family's important to me, too, and I want my kids to know their relatives on both sides. At the same time, I don't expect to meet a girl who lives near my family, nor do I really expect my family to stay as concentrated as they are now (most of us haven't even really moved out of our parents' house yet). That being said, it just comes down to applying effort toward what's important. Cross-country trips aren't easy or cheep, but they are doable -- and like everything else in life, as I see it, it's a matter of setting priorities and making decisions. Where my family is to live will be dictated a little bit by where I can get a job, but my career is meant to serve my family, and so where I take a job will be dictated by what's best for my family.
Thirdly, most of my friends are girls, and I wouldn't give them up for anything. Leslie has been my very good friend for nigh on a decade now, and Anastasiya is like a little sister to me, not to mention all my other dear lady friends. I don't think there's a problem with anyone maintaining other friendships, particularly if the other is included in socializing at least some of the time. I think it's unhealthy, to say the least, when one insists the other stop seeing or speaking to this or that friends. When the rubber hits the road, it's a trust issue, and I need to be able to trust the girl who's going to be my wife. If I can't trust her to be with guy friends and still remain faithful, then she's not the girl for me, anyways. And though I may feel a little threatened, I need her to be with me because she honestly wants to be -- if she decides someone's better, I don't want her to stay with me for some silly 'first come, first served' reason, or out of fear of hurting me.
Added to that, if she meant that she may yet find someone else, I let her know that I haven't stopped actively looking elsewhere, either. My profiles are still active on a couple dating sites (though I have little faith that they'll find me anyone, and less still that they'll find me someone who's a better match) and I'm still open to being set up by friends and family. 'Cast a wide net,' and all that. Despite the fact that, so far, Kira is everything I'm looking for, I'm not going to hinge on Us until we're more settled and serious about it. I already know I attach very easily, and unless I guard myself with due diligence I only risk being hurt that much more if it ends.
She only had a moment last night to reply to that, but she said that skimming it reassured her that we were 'on the same page,' and made her feel relieved. -smiles- Which I guess is a good thing.
So, that's where we stand. I think, because of past experience mostly, that I'm probably quite a bit more into her than she is into me, but Leslie, Anastasiya, and Laurel have all told me in the last few days that I'm a great guy ('unique and special were Leslie's words, I think) and I shouldn't sell myself short on how desirable I am. -laughs-
And that is all probably much more about my dating habits, thoughts on relationships, and general rambling than any of you ever really wanted, so I'll stop here.
*It has come to my attention that I was effectively dating both Suzannah and Meghan, and to pretend otherwise is little more than self-delusion. Arguably, they were the least functional of any relationship I've had (arguably, what was between Suzannah and I might rightly be called dysfunctional), but the only way we could be seen as not-dating is more-or-less by a technicality. So strictly speaking I've dated two Catholics since 7th grade, but it's really not that important.
And yeah, if you hadn't noticed, I'm really kind of enamoured by this girl. I'd really like for this to go 'somewhere,' and while I have a tendency to worry about botching stuff like this up, the more she and I talk the more comfortable I feel. So, there y'go.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-01 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-03 03:13 am (UTC)It's like planning out 4 years of course schedules at a university without having been accepted. I mean, sure you may be admitted. But shouldn't you be working on the application essay first? It seems a little early to be picking out your seat for graduation. This metaphor has run amok. I will stop this now.
I'm really sorry if this is coming off as harsh. I'm just worried about you. Do you.. consider this girl a friend? The same way Leslie or Claire or me are friends? Cus if she's not your friend yet, I think you should work on all that first instead of planning in-law visiting schedules for your kids.
I dunno.
The way I'm writing this sounds bad.
My point is, maybe you both should stop worrying about "Is this person the Right One? Do they meet every point on the checklist?" And just talk about the movie you saw yesterday or the football game or how you totally HATE peas. Y'know? Be people instead of profiles?
Um. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Hope so. Just want you to be happy.
-Nif
In which our hero rambles.
Date: 2006-12-03 04:14 am (UTC)The fact of the matter is that I don't know her yet, and she doesn't know me, but that's presumably what we're going to be working on for the next few weeks, months, years... As noted, I have at least 12 to 18 months before even considering 'is this the one' even makes sense.
At the same time, to follow your analogy, it's nice to be sure that a school offers your major and has the courses you're interested in taking -- at least in a general way -- before you put time and effort into the application process. Getting accepted doesn't help very much if they can't provide what it is you're looking for. And yeah, planning out four years in advance you can pretty much be assured that things will need to be reviewed, and probably tweaked, but that doesn't mean that having a rough idea of where you're going doesn't help.
In more concrete terms, I would not do well with a girls who disagree with me on the fundamentals of what a relationship is, or how children ought to be raised, or where the focus of a marriage should be. I don't think I would mesh well with a girl who put her career before everything else, or who simply didn't want children, or who was aggressively anti-Catholic. So it's nice knowing that Kira isn't any of these. But these are all criteria I would hold any girl to; if not Kira, then some other girl, and all the points would be the same. Frankly, I've put effort into relationships that could have worked, and they didn't, so I've little interest in putting effort into a relationship that can't work, and these bits are important in avoiding that.
I do know I attach myself dangerously easily, and I'm trying as best I can to keep my pace even and a healthy detachment from a relationship that's less than a moth old. That's not to say I don't need to hear you say things like the above -- quite the opposite. This is where I really need you, Nifer, because you help me keep these bits in perspective. Leslie and Anastasiya and others help me with other bits. And, generally, it's good to know I have friends who care.
You didn't sound harsh. Anyways, one of the things I love the most about you is that you aren't afraid to tell me things I might not want to hear.
(Amusingly, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I can't really recall why. I don't think it's unrelated to all of this romance stuff. Just thought I'd say so.)