Thinking about Thinking
Jan. 26th, 2006 04:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksSo, although I haven't quite caught up on my schoolwork since missing that one week at the beginning of the semester (all the work I missed has been completed since, naturally, but I'm still a step and a half behind the rest of the class), that I'm beginning to hit my stride can be seen by the fact that I have the ability and inclination to write posts like this one.
On my way home from school today, a thought occurred to me: I don't really think 'a lot' about anything, really. I continued playing around with the idea and it's implications for the next hour or two. (And this fact, as might be imagined, made me giggle.)
Generally, when I say that I've been thinking about something a lot, or that I generally think about something a lot, what I really mean is that it frequently enters my mind for short measured-in-minutes intervals. In a lot of ways, I'm really a creature of the moment; unless something is directly in front of me, I don't may it much mind. of course, this isn't always a spacial relationship, as I'm not solely concerned with actual, physical objects; but unless I have a credit card bill sitting in front of me, I don't pay much mind, for example, to my financial situation. Sometimes this can be a good thing, as I don't generally dwell on 'bad things' unless they're actively affecting me in the moment. Likewise, though, it can also be a bad thing, as I tend to not recognize 'good things' unless they're plainly in view. This can be seen from time to time, I think, when I have moderate bouts of despair and dysphoria.
There are some things that I think a lot about, by the given definition of 'frequently.' I think a lot about how beautiful the world really is, despite everything, and how infrequently people generally recognize it, myself included. Which is sometimes a cyclic thought, because if I think about it but only infrequently, how much less frequently do other people think about it? I think I've yet to see anywhere that doesn't have a sort a beauty to it, though it's possible that's really just a happy accident in my life.
I think about myself a lot, reflexively; not in a vain sort of way, really, but because people fascinate me, and in at least one sense there's no person easier to observe than myself. I think about how I am, and how I want to be, and how much I fall short f those goals and, sometimes, how I seem to accidentally fulfill my intentions. I also think about my own biases, my personal lense through which I see the world, including myself; which is how I am, quite possibly, the most difficult person for me to observe. Which is why I'm constantly looking to see what impression others have of me. Not because I think they're less biased than I am; I think everyone is biased, at least to some extent though I'm inclined to say 'grossly.' Everyone sees everything through a lense. You will have some impression of me ad, in great part I would argue, most any action I take will be viewed in such a was as to best-reinforce that conception of me. I think this philosophy was developed defensively in my childhood, actually, and it allows me to remove myself from the opinions of others -- a good thing, really, because even these days I think I'm quite thin-skinned. The fact remains that what others think fascinates me, though I think I would say that what a person thinks of me says something more about them than it really says about me.
Of course, I have to concede that experience has a way of shaping impressions of people; my actions will not always reinforce your impression of me 100%, and where it doesn't your opinion will be shaped, more-or-less subtly depending on how far off my actions seem. Reiterate that several tens of thousands of times, and it's reasonable to say that those who have experienced more of me (in whatever dimension) have a better idea of who I *really* am. I don't think this works reflexively, though; I've experienced myself every day since I was born, and recognized the experience every day since I was aware of my Self, and recognize each experience for as far back as I can remember (generally read as 'the last two weeks,' but here is meant more 'most of the last several years'). Even at that, though, I might argue that I know myself significantly less than most people I would call 'friend.'
At that, I generally rather like myself, even given my faults (of which I'm intimately aware). And I'm fairly attractive, too, if maybe more-than-a-little Proud.
I also think a lot about the girl I would like to marry. Which is a difficult thing these days, as She's more-abstract than She's been in years; I don't even have a proper Crush (excepting maybe a few girls who are already engaged, or married, or want nothing to do with me). Even at that, it's occurred to me than I'm not really sure what it is I want; and of course, what I want and what I really need are potentially very different things. I at her to be intelligent, so we can sit and talk; because we all know I love to talk, and I really enjoy abstract discussions of abstract concepts. I'd also like her to be pretty because, frankly, no one ever thinks "I want to marry someone I'm not attracted to." Of course, aside from rather generic terms, I can't even really say what 'pretty' is. I'll know it when I see it. -laughs- I seem to have equal history, for example, with blonds and brunettes. All things being equal (they're not), I'd probably prefer a redhead.
I think I'd had a few other things which I was thinking about, but since it's now been so long ago that I was thinking, I've mostly forgotten them. So I'm gonna shut up now, take a shower, and maybe play a game or read a book or something. No schoolwork pending before Monday, anyways.
I'm also really lucky to have the friends I have. More than I ever say, though I recognize the fact at least daily.
On my way home from school today, a thought occurred to me: I don't really think 'a lot' about anything, really. I continued playing around with the idea and it's implications for the next hour or two. (And this fact, as might be imagined, made me giggle.)
Generally, when I say that I've been thinking about something a lot, or that I generally think about something a lot, what I really mean is that it frequently enters my mind for short measured-in-minutes intervals. In a lot of ways, I'm really a creature of the moment; unless something is directly in front of me, I don't may it much mind. of course, this isn't always a spacial relationship, as I'm not solely concerned with actual, physical objects; but unless I have a credit card bill sitting in front of me, I don't pay much mind, for example, to my financial situation. Sometimes this can be a good thing, as I don't generally dwell on 'bad things' unless they're actively affecting me in the moment. Likewise, though, it can also be a bad thing, as I tend to not recognize 'good things' unless they're plainly in view. This can be seen from time to time, I think, when I have moderate bouts of despair and dysphoria.
There are some things that I think a lot about, by the given definition of 'frequently.' I think a lot about how beautiful the world really is, despite everything, and how infrequently people generally recognize it, myself included. Which is sometimes a cyclic thought, because if I think about it but only infrequently, how much less frequently do other people think about it? I think I've yet to see anywhere that doesn't have a sort a beauty to it, though it's possible that's really just a happy accident in my life.
I think about myself a lot, reflexively; not in a vain sort of way, really, but because people fascinate me, and in at least one sense there's no person easier to observe than myself. I think about how I am, and how I want to be, and how much I fall short f those goals and, sometimes, how I seem to accidentally fulfill my intentions. I also think about my own biases, my personal lense through which I see the world, including myself; which is how I am, quite possibly, the most difficult person for me to observe. Which is why I'm constantly looking to see what impression others have of me. Not because I think they're less biased than I am; I think everyone is biased, at least to some extent though I'm inclined to say 'grossly.' Everyone sees everything through a lense. You will have some impression of me ad, in great part I would argue, most any action I take will be viewed in such a was as to best-reinforce that conception of me. I think this philosophy was developed defensively in my childhood, actually, and it allows me to remove myself from the opinions of others -- a good thing, really, because even these days I think I'm quite thin-skinned. The fact remains that what others think fascinates me, though I think I would say that what a person thinks of me says something more about them than it really says about me.
Of course, I have to concede that experience has a way of shaping impressions of people; my actions will not always reinforce your impression of me 100%, and where it doesn't your opinion will be shaped, more-or-less subtly depending on how far off my actions seem. Reiterate that several tens of thousands of times, and it's reasonable to say that those who have experienced more of me (in whatever dimension) have a better idea of who I *really* am. I don't think this works reflexively, though; I've experienced myself every day since I was born, and recognized the experience every day since I was aware of my Self, and recognize each experience for as far back as I can remember (generally read as 'the last two weeks,' but here is meant more 'most of the last several years'). Even at that, though, I might argue that I know myself significantly less than most people I would call 'friend.'
At that, I generally rather like myself, even given my faults (of which I'm intimately aware). And I'm fairly attractive, too, if maybe more-than-a-little Proud.
I also think a lot about the girl I would like to marry. Which is a difficult thing these days, as She's more-abstract than She's been in years; I don't even have a proper Crush (excepting maybe a few girls who are already engaged, or married, or want nothing to do with me). Even at that, it's occurred to me than I'm not really sure what it is I want; and of course, what I want and what I really need are potentially very different things. I at her to be intelligent, so we can sit and talk; because we all know I love to talk, and I really enjoy abstract discussions of abstract concepts. I'd also like her to be pretty because, frankly, no one ever thinks "I want to marry someone I'm not attracted to." Of course, aside from rather generic terms, I can't even really say what 'pretty' is. I'll know it when I see it. -laughs- I seem to have equal history, for example, with blonds and brunettes. All things being equal (they're not), I'd probably prefer a redhead.
I think I'd had a few other things which I was thinking about, but since it's now been so long ago that I was thinking, I've mostly forgotten them. So I'm gonna shut up now, take a shower, and maybe play a game or read a book or something. No schoolwork pending before Monday, anyways.
I'm also really lucky to have the friends I have. More than I ever say, though I recognize the fact at least daily.
