![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksPardon my philosophical tone, but I'm awake when I'd rather be asleep, and try as I might it's not happening. Thus, I shall attempt to convey knowlege once again through this medium. We both know you'll read it anyways, and if not, I'd still be awake. Let us proceed.
I think, in a sense, I live in perpetual fear.
It's quite an interesting observation, if one thinks about it. Truthfully, I'm not the one to worry about things, as most anyone could well tell. But even giving that, I precieve "worry" most precicely as a dwelling on fears, not so much as the fears themselves. Though it may be argued that I am 'worried' about a given possibility when a fear I have prevents me, or at least hinders me, from acting. That is not the topic for discussion, though, so I will simply say that it is not the case.
I am, I think, afraid of a great many things, though I think I may well be a happier man to the extent that I leave my fears behind and act freely, without regret. Regret is perhaps my nemesis, if you will, though at base that statement doesn't quite make sense. Take a look at it and you may see what I mean. But I digress. I digress. I digress all the way back to my original statement.
I am afraid of a great many things. For fear of sounding stupid, in the many different senses of the word, I often don't speak. One may find THAT hard to believe, after reading this journal for some time, but this journal is, in part, a temporary escape from my fears. In so much as being understood is my greatest desire - which I'm still unsure whether it is or not - to that extent, being misunderstood is my greatest fear.
And that fear explain much of what I do, or more precicely, what I don't do. I was afraid, one may recall, to write the letter to Emily, a letter I desperately wished to write in order to express mysaelf, in the hope of being understood. I feared to write it for the possibility of being misunderstood, due to the failings of written, or even verbal, communication. As wonderous as they are, words can fail in much. I now 'regret', if you'll so allow me, sending that letter for the fact that, once again, I fear being misunderstood, though this time for the fact that I'm not sure that my meaning was adequetly conveyed, either in the form or the substance of the letter.
Another fear I have, I should think, is to an extent approaching people. Again, I think, my foe is the idea of 'implications', or ideas that may be pre-attached to situations and the like, I suppose. As one may tell, I'm at a loss for describing it. I like to imagine that I 'don't care' what people think (though, a topic for another time, I think that's an impossible statement, in it's basic nature), but essentially, I think that's similar to what this fear boils down to.
In a sense, I suppose, if I fear being misunderstood, my biggest fear is in what people might think, though not in the conventional sense of the phrase. I'm not AFRAID, per se, of people 'liking' or 'not liking' me (or so I imagine). It's rather a fear that someone misunderstands me, which is a much different thing. A person can dislike me, I don't aim to please all, though I don't intend to wrong anyone. The basis is that they either like or dislike me for who I am, I should suppose. A quote I heard one, or rather a rhetorical question which I enjoyed, was "Is it better to be loved for what you are not, or hated for what you are." That question, and my inevitable choice of the latter, reveales something of me.
In anycase, I suppose I shall once again attemp sleep - I've been accuse of being "windy", and I would hate to aggrivate any of you figment-people. ^_^
It's only 10:40, there's no way I can get to bed this early....
I think, in a sense, I live in perpetual fear.
It's quite an interesting observation, if one thinks about it. Truthfully, I'm not the one to worry about things, as most anyone could well tell. But even giving that, I precieve "worry" most precicely as a dwelling on fears, not so much as the fears themselves. Though it may be argued that I am 'worried' about a given possibility when a fear I have prevents me, or at least hinders me, from acting. That is not the topic for discussion, though, so I will simply say that it is not the case.
I am, I think, afraid of a great many things, though I think I may well be a happier man to the extent that I leave my fears behind and act freely, without regret. Regret is perhaps my nemesis, if you will, though at base that statement doesn't quite make sense. Take a look at it and you may see what I mean. But I digress. I digress. I digress all the way back to my original statement.
I am afraid of a great many things. For fear of sounding stupid, in the many different senses of the word, I often don't speak. One may find THAT hard to believe, after reading this journal for some time, but this journal is, in part, a temporary escape from my fears. In so much as being understood is my greatest desire - which I'm still unsure whether it is or not - to that extent, being misunderstood is my greatest fear.
And that fear explain much of what I do, or more precicely, what I don't do. I was afraid, one may recall, to write the letter to Emily, a letter I desperately wished to write in order to express mysaelf, in the hope of being understood. I feared to write it for the possibility of being misunderstood, due to the failings of written, or even verbal, communication. As wonderous as they are, words can fail in much. I now 'regret', if you'll so allow me, sending that letter for the fact that, once again, I fear being misunderstood, though this time for the fact that I'm not sure that my meaning was adequetly conveyed, either in the form or the substance of the letter.
Another fear I have, I should think, is to an extent approaching people. Again, I think, my foe is the idea of 'implications', or ideas that may be pre-attached to situations and the like, I suppose. As one may tell, I'm at a loss for describing it. I like to imagine that I 'don't care' what people think (though, a topic for another time, I think that's an impossible statement, in it's basic nature), but essentially, I think that's similar to what this fear boils down to.
In a sense, I suppose, if I fear being misunderstood, my biggest fear is in what people might think, though not in the conventional sense of the phrase. I'm not AFRAID, per se, of people 'liking' or 'not liking' me (or so I imagine). It's rather a fear that someone misunderstands me, which is a much different thing. A person can dislike me, I don't aim to please all, though I don't intend to wrong anyone. The basis is that they either like or dislike me for who I am, I should suppose. A quote I heard one, or rather a rhetorical question which I enjoyed, was "Is it better to be loved for what you are not, or hated for what you are." That question, and my inevitable choice of the latter, reveales something of me.
In anycase, I suppose I shall once again attemp sleep - I've been accuse of being "windy", and I would hate to aggrivate any of you figment-people. ^_^
It's only 10:40, there's no way I can get to bed this early....
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
...but that's Karma, baby
Date: 2001-11-30 08:32 am (UTC)Fearful as you are, however, I must say you do an amazing job of overcoming those fears. While you may indeed regret sending the letter to Emily, wouldn't you regret all the more never having expressed to her how you feel? Even if the words are misconstrued by her, and your true meaning isn't conveyed, you have succeeded where most fail. Most are content simply to "worship from afar", and never be honest with those they care for ::points to herself::. It's hard to convey to people through words what our feelings are. Words, much as I love them, do have many shortcomings. But the thing is, you've done more in your small acts of confession throughout the years than most people do, and you should be proud of that fact. As Beth is fond of saying, "you can only be responsible for what you say, not how others take it". Once the letter is out of your hands, what Emily construes your meaning to be is no fault of yours. I know that doesn't offer much comfort, but take what you can out of it, and try not to regret. All you have done is be honest, and that's more than many people can be, discontented as they are with themselves.
*na mu myoho renge kyo, futhamucka*
...and karma's BETTER than death...
I think, to some extent, you would have to define "how people think of you" to decide whether or not you care. If it means that they like or don't like you for who you are, I think I can say I really don't care. If, however, you define "what they think" as whether or not they know you as you are, that I'm concerned with. I would go so far as to say I don't like someone LIKING me for what I'm not as much as someone NOT liking me for what i'm not, and I think I've had each happen.
I agree that I too think that no one can 'truely' know another person, through and through, but I think that we can get close enough that the diffrence in what IS and what we PRECIEVE is negligible. That is to say, I think we can get close enough. and that, I believe, is what I stive for. I think. Maybe....
Nnnnnnya...
LOL Either you have too high an opinion of me, or I have too low of one - I would argue its somewhere along the median. I'll agree I MIGHT have SLIGHTLY more spine that I give myself credit for, but I also don't think anything I do is beyond the ordinary - that would imply that I expect myself to do less than is ordinary, though that's not wholey true. Maybe some of what I do is up there somewhere...nnnnnnnya....I would argue, though, that I've made more "Small confessions" to periferals than to the objects themselves. I've 'confessed' about Emily to just about everyone reading this, I do believe, but to her....? Maybe now, even if my method was less than accurate... I've also expressed different things about Nancy, too, to you and Claire in particular I think, but have I ever really said anything to her? No, I'm not as bad as I make myself out to be (no one ever is) but I also don't see that i'm all that speh-shul, neither.
Nnnnnnya....brain, not....functioning....
That last line makes me think that you imply yourself in "many people"....I also hope I can be honest...I hope I am being honest...I don't even know right now...brain...shutting....down....
Staying awake all night, vibrating...
Date: 2001-12-02 12:32 am (UTC)