The Past Is An Empty Memory
Jan. 15th, 2002 01:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksWhat do you think of the past? I will be the first to admit that I don't, though, I would say that in a playful, goofy way. That doesn't ALWAYS mean I don't mean it, but I think in this case, it does. You see, it's really that I think of the past quite a bit. Not to the exclusion of anything else, and not more than anything else, but a bit. I'm not known for my memory, but there are the odd events that stand out in my mind. People, too. I don't like to forget people, and I don't know that I ever really have. But then, had I forgotten them, I really wouldn't know, would I? Ponder that for a while.
Sometimes I wonder if I really want to know the past. And sometimes I wonder if other people really do have a better grasp of it. A few of my old friends, from back when I was still in grade school, are fighting. I don't remember how good friends they were. I can't remember how close a friend I was. But needless to say the three of them aren't getting along anymore. Friend Alpha is clean cut - on the one hand, they really don't like Friend Ceta, but still considers Friend Beta close. Alpha isn't too great friends with me anymore, which is kinda sad, but it's not just their fault. I wonder, sometimes, if we could be friends again. I don't know exactly why we aren't. I wonder if thewy do.
Friend Ceta is just as clean cut as Alpha, in that they really don't get along with Alpha anymore, but I think they'd still like to be friends with Beta. Some unspecified argument in the past is what split them. I don't know what it was, or don't rememver, had I known at one point. I wonder if they do. Ceta and I were never really close, but they were the type of person I think I'd like to have known. I wasn't as confident back then as I am now. I'm not as confident now as I'd like to be.
Friend Beta...Beta, I think, has always been a mystery to me. I'm pretty sure we were close. I think we may still be. Leaving a school throws that kinda doubt on any relationship. Given all that, I'm not sure how Beta fits in all this. At first glance, it seems that they are on Alpha's side - against Ceta. However, there are hints here and there that maybe it's not so simple. Hints like Alpha isn't the person they once were. Hints that Beta's not the person they once were. and somehow, I don't think Beta really knows what the problem with Ceta is. Or was. Or will be. I think masybe Beta thinks they know, but i'm not even sure of that.
And, of course, I'm rather stuck in the middle, and at the same time, confined outside the circle. You see, just as I don't think Alpha, Beta, or Ceta know what's going on, I'm sure I don't. No one tells me much of anything. I think they did once. I don't remember. I'm also told, by my friend Leslie, that I'm not the same person I was, even from when she and I met. I don't remember what I was like then, and I don't know that I've done all that much changing, either. I do know that I'm different now, though. I'm more confident, I think, more open...but then, I'm not sure how I used to be, so... I just feel changed, since recently. And change within oneself often comes with a change in one's perspectives. The difference between me (Friend Delta?) and Alpha, Beta, and Ceta? I don't claim to know what's going on, and they do. Kind of socratic - I know that I don't know.
A quiz recently accused me of being obsessed with the past - or rather, that I couldn't let go. Maybe I can, maybe I can't, but in either casr, I can think of a number of things that that could apply to. Maybe all of them - maybe none of them. And maybe I can't let go of something which I've forgotten.
Ponder that for a while.
Sometimes I wonder if I really want to know the past. And sometimes I wonder if other people really do have a better grasp of it. A few of my old friends, from back when I was still in grade school, are fighting. I don't remember how good friends they were. I can't remember how close a friend I was. But needless to say the three of them aren't getting along anymore. Friend Alpha is clean cut - on the one hand, they really don't like Friend Ceta, but still considers Friend Beta close. Alpha isn't too great friends with me anymore, which is kinda sad, but it's not just their fault. I wonder, sometimes, if we could be friends again. I don't know exactly why we aren't. I wonder if thewy do.
Friend Ceta is just as clean cut as Alpha, in that they really don't get along with Alpha anymore, but I think they'd still like to be friends with Beta. Some unspecified argument in the past is what split them. I don't know what it was, or don't rememver, had I known at one point. I wonder if they do. Ceta and I were never really close, but they were the type of person I think I'd like to have known. I wasn't as confident back then as I am now. I'm not as confident now as I'd like to be.
Friend Beta...Beta, I think, has always been a mystery to me. I'm pretty sure we were close. I think we may still be. Leaving a school throws that kinda doubt on any relationship. Given all that, I'm not sure how Beta fits in all this. At first glance, it seems that they are on Alpha's side - against Ceta. However, there are hints here and there that maybe it's not so simple. Hints like Alpha isn't the person they once were. Hints that Beta's not the person they once were. and somehow, I don't think Beta really knows what the problem with Ceta is. Or was. Or will be. I think masybe Beta thinks they know, but i'm not even sure of that.
And, of course, I'm rather stuck in the middle, and at the same time, confined outside the circle. You see, just as I don't think Alpha, Beta, or Ceta know what's going on, I'm sure I don't. No one tells me much of anything. I think they did once. I don't remember. I'm also told, by my friend Leslie, that I'm not the same person I was, even from when she and I met. I don't remember what I was like then, and I don't know that I've done all that much changing, either. I do know that I'm different now, though. I'm more confident, I think, more open...but then, I'm not sure how I used to be, so... I just feel changed, since recently. And change within oneself often comes with a change in one's perspectives. The difference between me (Friend Delta?) and Alpha, Beta, and Ceta? I don't claim to know what's going on, and they do. Kind of socratic - I know that I don't know.
A quiz recently accused me of being obsessed with the past - or rather, that I couldn't let go. Maybe I can, maybe I can't, but in either casr, I can think of a number of things that that could apply to. Maybe all of them - maybe none of them. And maybe I can't let go of something which I've forgotten.
Ponder that for a while.
