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Mar. 31st, 2003
(no subject)
Mar. 31st, 2003 02:44 pm| Class Schedual | |
| Monday | 9:00-10:00, 12:00-1:00, 2:30-3:30 |
| Tuesday | 1:30-3:00, 5:00-8:00 |
| Wednesday | 9:00-10:00, 12:00-1:00, 2:30-3:30 |
| Thurseday | 12:00-1:00, 1:30-3:00 |
| Friday | 9:00-10:00, 12:00-1:00 |
<td>
| Work Schedual | ||
| Monday | 10:00-12:00, 1:00-2:30, 3:30-5:00 | 5 Hours |
| Tuesday | 9:00-1:30, 3:00-5:00 | 6.5 Hours |
| Wednesday | 10:00-12:00, 1:00-2:30, 3:30-5:00 | 5 Hours |
| Thurseday | 9:00-12:00, 3:00-5:00 | 5 Hours |
| Friday | 10:00-12:00, 1:00-5:00 | 7 Hours |
Took a look at my open time, trying to see how I might fit a job (say, at CPIT for $10/hr) into my schedual next semester. At first I though I could only get 12 hours ($120) a week, but after running the numbers a bit (and please check my math and make sure I have no overlap) it looks like I could get almost 28.5 hours ($285) a week, if I tried. I think I would be good at 20 or 22 hours, but at least I know my options.
(no subject)
Mar. 31st, 2003 08:18 pm"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."
I am Jack's overwhemling sense of uselessness.
Today was... difficult? It started last night, I think. Missing people, dearly. I don't remember too much, except for tossing in bed, trying to not think... This morning I was plagued by the same lingering thoughts while I registered for classes. I crawled back into bed (had to get up early to register) and ended up sleeping through class.
That didn't help me. To compound the torment of... well, of feeling un-needed and unwanted, now I'd missed another class, so I felt... like a useless slacker. Kinda like I just can't do anything right. For those of you who have never felt so, it's not a good feeling at all. On top of all that, I'd forgotten my meal-card in my room when I went to work, so I didn't get lunch.
Work started to make things better. Well, not so much work as the fact that I chatted with Stacey. It was nice to talk with a friend, and though I was half-distracted by work and she had to go after an hour or so, it really made me feel alot better. It doesn't typically take much to pull me out of the hole...
But by the time I'd gotten back to my room, after submitting a form for a transcript and making an appointment for tomorrow morning, I was feeling down again. I don't even know what set it off, really, I just know I was was good, good, good, but then back in my room I was feeling unwanted, un-needed, unloved... I saw Claire (Away, as is customary) and just said 'hi,' mostly because I don't like 'seeing' people and not being able to talk to them.... A bit later she came back from being Away and responded to me, not knowing that I was here behind my message. I really should take it down when i'm here... I can't really say why I don't (Yes I can. Sometimes I don't want to talk to people -- no one here. No one anyone here even knows. But people who, typically, I'd rather not talk to. And somehow, decieving them is preferable to ignoring them...)
Anyways, Claire and I chatted, mostly about nothing, and I told her I'd been feeling down... She suggested I go out and get some fresh air (she's really nature-oriented) and, wonder of wonders, it helped quite a bit. It took a concious effort to walk instead of stride as I'm inclined to do, but I made a circuit around the Pryz, the Mall, and then to Pangborn for class. An aditional stroke of luck was that, while mind-numbing, class tonight with Abe was tolerable.
So... I'm recovering...
"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, so why am I ten feet under and upside-down?"
I am Jack's overwhemling sense of uselessness.
Today was... difficult? It started last night, I think. Missing people, dearly. I don't remember too much, except for tossing in bed, trying to not think... This morning I was plagued by the same lingering thoughts while I registered for classes. I crawled back into bed (had to get up early to register) and ended up sleeping through class.
That didn't help me. To compound the torment of... well, of feeling un-needed and unwanted, now I'd missed another class, so I felt... like a useless slacker. Kinda like I just can't do anything right. For those of you who have never felt so, it's not a good feeling at all. On top of all that, I'd forgotten my meal-card in my room when I went to work, so I didn't get lunch.
Work started to make things better. Well, not so much work as the fact that I chatted with Stacey. It was nice to talk with a friend, and though I was half-distracted by work and she had to go after an hour or so, it really made me feel alot better. It doesn't typically take much to pull me out of the hole...
But by the time I'd gotten back to my room, after submitting a form for a transcript and making an appointment for tomorrow morning, I was feeling down again. I don't even know what set it off, really, I just know I was was good, good, good, but then back in my room I was feeling unwanted, un-needed, unloved... I saw Claire (Away, as is customary) and just said 'hi,' mostly because I don't like 'seeing' people and not being able to talk to them.... A bit later she came back from being Away and responded to me, not knowing that I was here behind my message. I really should take it down when i'm here... I can't really say why I don't (Yes I can. Sometimes I don't want to talk to people -- no one here. No one anyone here even knows. But people who, typically, I'd rather not talk to. And somehow, decieving them is preferable to ignoring them...)
Anyways, Claire and I chatted, mostly about nothing, and I told her I'd been feeling down... She suggested I go out and get some fresh air (she's really nature-oriented) and, wonder of wonders, it helped quite a bit. It took a concious effort to walk instead of stride as I'm inclined to do, but I made a circuit around the Pryz, the Mall, and then to Pangborn for class. An aditional stroke of luck was that, while mind-numbing, class tonight with Abe was tolerable.
So... I'm recovering...
"I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, so why am I ten feet under and upside-down?"
Things I Shouldn't Say
Mar. 31st, 2003 08:58 pmI want someone to talk to, but there's no one here. I don't even know who I would speak with, or how, or why, or on what.
I'm so fucking lost. I want her to love me -- I haven't given up on us, but I'm so afraid that she's well beyond that. She doesn't need me, even if I feel I'll die without her. I don't know what to do without her.
And no one's fucking listening! I'm lost and alone and scared. I'm standing in the middle of a swirling cround of people, crying in pain, and no one will so much as lift an eye towards me. There are two things that scare me beyond reason, beyond comprehention -- death and being alone.
I don't know what to do with myself. I mean... I'm almost me again. My pieces have almost been put back. Expcept for the one she took. I want to be with someone, not just so I'm not alone, but I want to be with someone because it means something. Do you understand that? Do you see what I'm looking for? I don't want to be alone, but I don't just want to 'be there,' either. I could see myuself with her for the rest of my life, and I still can. I'm afraid that's part of what scared her away.
Do you know what it's like to turn around and question everything you are?
I'm well past that now, I've moved on, but it takes alot to recover from that.
I want to show her this, because I want to believe that she would understand. From the very beginning, right when I met her, she made me feel warm, and safe, and wanted. I had been miserable and I didn't even know it until I met her, and felt what it was like to be content. Even to this day, there has never once been a time when I talked with her that she didn't make me feel better -- even when she didn't know I was hurting.
I tell myself that I don't want her to know how hurt I've been without her because I don't want to be the cause of pain to her. I tell myself that seeing me this way would hurt her, and I don't want to do that. I don't think I believe myself. I think that I don't tell her because I am scared beyond expression that... that she wouldn't... that she hasn't...
And a piece of me says that she wouldn't want me around. I'm already afraid that she doesn't need me. A fucking love-sick puppy dog who just can't let go. She has her friends, and her family, and I'm scared that she just doesn't need or want me around.
Just because I love you doesn't mean I have to be with you. I just don't want you to leave me. And I want to be with you, if at all possible, if it could ever happen, I'd do whatever I could... I still don't want it to be over... but I don't want you to leave...
I don't think anyone should see this. No, they probably should, but I don't want them to. I don't want to be this vulnerable infront of them. I don't want to me misunderstood. Or not-understood. I don't want pity... I just...
I don't want to be alone.
I'm so fucking lost. I want her to love me -- I haven't given up on us, but I'm so afraid that she's well beyond that. She doesn't need me, even if I feel I'll die without her. I don't know what to do without her.
And no one's fucking listening! I'm lost and alone and scared. I'm standing in the middle of a swirling cround of people, crying in pain, and no one will so much as lift an eye towards me. There are two things that scare me beyond reason, beyond comprehention -- death and being alone.
I don't know what to do with myself. I mean... I'm almost me again. My pieces have almost been put back. Expcept for the one she took. I want to be with someone, not just so I'm not alone, but I want to be with someone because it means something. Do you understand that? Do you see what I'm looking for? I don't want to be alone, but I don't just want to 'be there,' either. I could see myuself with her for the rest of my life, and I still can. I'm afraid that's part of what scared her away.
Do you know what it's like to turn around and question everything you are?
I'm well past that now, I've moved on, but it takes alot to recover from that.
I want to show her this, because I want to believe that she would understand. From the very beginning, right when I met her, she made me feel warm, and safe, and wanted. I had been miserable and I didn't even know it until I met her, and felt what it was like to be content. Even to this day, there has never once been a time when I talked with her that she didn't make me feel better -- even when she didn't know I was hurting.
I tell myself that I don't want her to know how hurt I've been without her because I don't want to be the cause of pain to her. I tell myself that seeing me this way would hurt her, and I don't want to do that. I don't think I believe myself. I think that I don't tell her because I am scared beyond expression that... that she wouldn't... that she hasn't...
And a piece of me says that she wouldn't want me around. I'm already afraid that she doesn't need me. A fucking love-sick puppy dog who just can't let go. She has her friends, and her family, and I'm scared that she just doesn't need or want me around.
Just because I love you doesn't mean I have to be with you. I just don't want you to leave me. And I want to be with you, if at all possible, if it could ever happen, I'd do whatever I could... I still don't want it to be over... but I don't want you to leave...
I don't think anyone should see this. No, they probably should, but I don't want them to. I don't want to be this vulnerable infront of them. I don't want to me misunderstood. Or not-understood. I don't want pity... I just...
I don't want to be alone.