Things I Shouldn't Say

[jackofallgeeks]

I want someone to talk to, but there's no one here. I don't even know who I would speak with, or how, or why, or on what.
I'm so fucking lost. I want her to love me -- I haven't given up on us, but I'm so afraid that she's well beyond that. She doesn't need me, even if I feel I'll die without her. I don't know what to do without her.

And no one's fucking listening! I'm lost and alone and scared. I'm standing in the middle of a swirling cround of people, crying in pain, and no one will so much as lift an eye towards me. There are two things that scare me beyond reason, beyond comprehention -- death and being alone.

I don't know what to do with myself. I mean... I'm almost me again. My pieces have almost been put back. Expcept for the one she took. I want to be with someone, not just so I'm not alone, but I want to be with someone because it means something. Do you understand that? Do you see what I'm looking for? I don't want to be alone, but I don't just want to 'be there,' either. I could see myuself with her for the rest of my life, and I still can. I'm afraid that's part of what scared her away.

Do you know what it's like to turn around and question everything you are?
I'm well past that now, I've moved on, but it takes alot to recover from that.

I want to show her this, because I want to believe that she would understand. From the very beginning, right when I met her, she made me feel warm, and safe, and wanted. I had been miserable and I didn't even know it until I met her, and felt what it was like to be content. Even to this day, there has never once been a time when I talked with her that she didn't make me feel better -- even when she didn't know I was hurting.

I tell myself that I don't want her to know how hurt I've been without her because I don't want to be the cause of pain to her. I tell myself that seeing me this way would hurt her, and I don't want to do that. I don't think I believe myself. I think that I don't tell her because I am scared beyond expression that... that she wouldn't... that she hasn't...

And a piece of me says that she wouldn't want me around. I'm already afraid that she doesn't need me. A fucking love-sick puppy dog who just can't let go. She has her friends, and her family, and I'm scared that she just doesn't need or want me around.

Just because I love you doesn't mean I have to be with you. I just don't want you to leave me. And I want to be with you, if at all possible, if it could ever happen, I'd do whatever I could... I still don't want it to be over... but I don't want you to leave...

I don't think anyone should see this. No, they probably should, but I don't want them to. I don't want to be this vulnerable infront of them. I don't want to me misunderstood. Or not-understood. I don't want pity... I just...

I don't want to be alone.

Comments

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I have half a mind to lock this away and file it under 'Private.'
Odds are no one would see it if i did it before 11.
But I have yet to convince myself that it would serve anything.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I just talked with Claire (though my battery cut us off) and, predictably, she 'made everything better.' I didn't go into any of this (gestures at the post) but I told her it was here, and she said to leave it. So it's staying. Welcome to one of the darkest corners of my mind. If I'm not careful where my mind wonders, it's often to here.

Yes, I'm better, but I'm not fixed. This sore is still here. And I wouldn't have said what i did and left it here if I didn't want dialogue.

[surichan.livejournal.com]

::puts an arm around you::

[thismortalquill.livejournal.com]

I don't know quite what to say to this. I want to reassure you. I want to tell you that I'm here for you even though I'm far away. But I'm not sure if anything I have to say would serve any real purpose, or even be welcome. The only things I have to offer are everything that you said you didn't want in this post. But please don't feel alone.

Huggles!...

[serenabuny.livejournal.com]

You are never alone. I'll always be here when you need me, all you gotta do is call. You aren't forgotten and always considered...