End of the Week

I'm avoiding sleep again.
I think it's because I have two meetings tomorrow morning that I don't want to go to.

I got paid today. Which was convenient, because my rent check was also cashed. The plus side is no overdraft penalty (my bank is kind and I don't have much of a penalty, but I still like it when my money works out). The downside is that I only have $600 for the next two weeks. Which wouldn't be bothering me so much if I wasn't also paying credit cards off in the next week. There are people far worse off than I am, I'm sure -- some of them I know personally, but it still makes me nervous.

I also checked said credit cards and I still have about $10k in debt on them. I want to believe I'm making headway, I want to believe I used to have $11k, and I honestly believe I'll be in debt until I die anyways, but... I don't like it. I really don't like it. I removed my cards from my wallet a couple days ago. Not that I can't trust myself to be disciplines, but... I'm not nearly as disciplined as I wish I was. In most things. I may put said cards away with my luggage if I find I'm buying things online with them. So long as I stick to my check card, I'll stay in budget by necessity.

Tomorrow's Friday. Monday (for Heroes) and Friday (for FNM) are the two days I look forward to. I kinda wish I looked forward to Sundays more, but I find the way the local church conducts itself to be irritating a lot of the time. I keep meaning to look for masses elsewhere, but I never take the time.

I need to find my rosary. I think it'd do me good to get back to praying that.
I think it'd do me good if I didn't feel so disconnected from everyone I love.

The local Quiznos burned down last night.

I don't want to be alone any more.

The first crush I can clearly remember was in 4th or 5th grade. Her name was Danielle, and I'm sure I didn't know her at all, not in any real sense. But I decided I liked her, and in an around-your-elbow, stupidly-shy kind of way I let her know. She didn't feel the same way, and though I'm not sure of the exact play of events, my attentions left her in tears, and had her friends telling me to leave her alone. Great way to start, eh?

When I was in 6th grade, I kind of 'dated' a girl, Julia. It was the silly sort of puppy love where we would spend time at each other's houses, watch movies together, and sit close together.

In 7th grade, I 'dated' Miranda. I don't remember much of that relationship, except that she was my first kiss and I was ashamed by the circumstances through which that came about (namely, I think I was a bit too pushy about how much I'd liked it, and wanted more. I don't know. I try to not think about it, even these days).

In 9th grade I dated a girl named Nancy who had, at the time, recently been burned by some meathead jock, and who's selflessly-giving friend set me up with her because I was such a great guy (despite the fact that said friend had apparently harbored a significant crush on me). I remember only slightly more of that relationship than I do of the one with Miranda. It ended when she found out I still had a crush on a classmate and, needlessly feeling threatened, she broke up with me.

I pursued, but never actually dated, Emily for years before... Well, it didn't even ever really become apparent to me that she wasn't interested. Word to the wise, ladies: boys are dumb. If you don't tell us in no uncertain terms, we won't understand. Please, do us that favor.

When I was a Freshman in College I met Claire, and consider that the first time I ever fell in love. That was years and years ago, and through the haze of time I can't say how valid that claim is, but I do remember that what we had was good while it lasted. I remember feeling physically relieved after meeting her, like a weight off my shoulders that I didn't know was there. Until being soothed by her I hadn't realized how miserable I was.

As a Junior I dated a sprightly, energetic Jewish girl. We lasted a few months and, when all was said and done, had the 'best' breakup of my whole history. We're still really good friends.

Just after that, I all-but-dated a dark-haired girl from my brother's school. For nearly all intents and purposes we were dating -- we went for walks, went to dinners and plays, talked a lot. In the end she wasn't nearly as interested in me as I was in her. She asked me to never contact her again. I haven't.

And, for a short time, I was kind of seeing this girl, Meghan, who was really interested in me, but I wasn't really interested in her. I imagine I must have been a little retarded at the time, but we eventually had a fight based in ideological differences that, I think, we're both still hurting a bit from. So maybe it wouldn't have worked out, anyways. She's now dating a guy who doesn't like me very much at all, despite having never met me. Maybe it's that whole, "I hate you because she used to like you," thing. I don't know.

And now? -shrugs- Now I'm across the country from where all my friends and family are. I guess I should just get over that and live life where I am for now, but it's a lot easier said than done. I've tried meeting or being set up with girls, so far to no avail. My sister introduced me to one of her friends who was nice and pretty, but seemed to have zero interest in me. So that when nowhere. I'm on a few online dating sites (I'm still a little embarrassed to admit that, oddly enough). I've met a few girls on those sites who seemed nice enough, but none of them were ever really interested, either.

Most recently, though, I met Kira, and we kind of hit it off really well from the start. I like her. Unfortunately, we haven't really talked since about Thanksgiving. We've been in contact -- we email each other -- but with my move out here, and her current three-month-stint out in Italy, we haven't really talked in a long while. And you know me; I get discouraged in the face of (effective) silence.

I mentioned to my friend Erin this morning that I sometimes fear the girl I'm looking for doesn't exist, that the qualities I'm looking for can't exist in one person. I'm looking for a girl to be my friend. For a girl who can give me the emotional support I need when I get moods like this one here, and who will be there to sooth me when the world takes it's toll. I like to imagine I can weather a lot of what the world throws at me, but I need someone in my corner, someone to go home to. I need someone who's my intellectual equal, and someone who gets along with my family (I mean, how can you not, but still), and someone who can get along well-enough with my friends. (Here, actually, I depart a bit from my philosophy of friends and family being nigh-equal.)

I'm looking for a girl who I can be passionately in love with. I have this list of qualities to check off, but that's not good enough for me. I don't just want a girl who looks good on paper, I need to really feel it. I imagine that I couldn't much help loving a girl who matched what I think I'm looking for, but still... And I need a girl who will help me keep on track with my faith, and with being and becoming the man I want to be. Because I don't have the faith I wish I did. And I fail a lot at being who I'd like to be. And this here, this section, sums up what I fear is the worst marks against it all. Because, and I know it's a stupid thing to think, I can't help but think that I couldn't have the violently passionate relationship I want with a girl who's also suitably Catholic. That's the bias that everyone has, at least; good Catholics are sterile, right? And beyond that? Even if there were a passionate Catholic girl out there, I fail. I don't have the faith I feel I should, the faith I think I had once. And I'm not the man I wish I was. I fail.

Most importantly, I need a girl who I can raise a family with, someone who agrees with me on the hows and whys and logistics of having a family, someone who's priorities match my own. This is key, because I really feel that just about everything else listed could be covered by a friend (possible exception being the passionately-in-love bit, but I do really care for some of my friends). This is a real make-it-or-break-it issue for me, because... I mean, what's the point, otherwise?

Anyways... This has gone on for a while, now. It probably should have been two different entries. And I should go get some sleep, anyways. I just felt like talking through some of this stuff... *sigh*

Life is good. I'm healthy and intelligent and successful, (generally) financially stable and at least a little bit attractive. Life's alright. It's just a little bit discouraging, sometimes, that the piece of my life that's always meant the most to me is so far behind where I would have it, and not making any noticeable progress. That's all.

Not the 'first post' I wanted, but...

In reference to my last post, the friends-only one going through my whole relationship history from Danielle through the present...

I was looking at my eHarmony profile. One of the things they give you for free is a "Compatibility Profile," detailing the sort of person they think you'd work best with. When I first read mine, I practically fell in love with the girl they were describing. -smirk-

Anyways, I was going back over that, in an attempt to sooth my worried mind, and I came across this little bit:

Sexual Passion: You'll be most fulfilled by the kind of woman who believes sex is an important part of a great relationship, but not the only part. She is looking for physical chemistry with a man, the kind of spark that comes from genuine romantic attraction. However, she also appreciates that there is more to a "real relationship" than sex.

And, yeah. I want to have sex. 'Duh,' you might say, 'you want a bazillion kids. How else were you going to get them?' And yeah, that's part of it, a sizable part of it, but I also want sex for it's own sake. For all the reasons I'm scared of it before marriage, that is to say, all the emotional bits that come along with it. And I'm told it's a fun thing to do, anyways.

But... Have you ever read 1984? Good book. Odd book. I recommend it. But at one place, Our Hero is talking about his ex-wife, and the wooden way she would go about sex, calling it "our party duty." I don't want sex to be a chore. I don't want sex to be, "well, if we're going to be married, and we're going to have kids, I guess we might as well get this over with." Or, worse, something dirty and shameful. It's not, it's beautiful (pardon my naivety) and something I'm rather looking forward to. I blame society for making it dirty the way it's become.

But I want sex. It's part of that whole 'passionately in love' bit I mentioned. I believe that people are equal parts mental, spiritual, and physical, and each of those aspects is important to me in the relationship I'm looking for.

And now my head's starting to hurt 'cause I should be sleeping. Maybe I'll pick up on this again later. Feel free to share your thoughts and talk amongst yourselves.

Saving Ourselves

Here is a 4-page psychological analysis of Resident Evil and Silent Hill. I haven't read it all yet, and it's pretty thick pretty much right out of the gate (as near as I can tell), but I thought it might be of interest to some of you out there.

This just makes me giggle.

Based on a comment I read earlier, I decided to wiki a term that's become a 'minced oath' in the Unix world (and CS world in general): fsck. Guess what the un-minced oath is.

From Wikipedia:
The system utility fsck (for "file system check" or "file system consistency check") is a tool for checking the consistency of a file system in the Unix system and clones thereof.

Generally, fsck is run automatically at boot time when the system detects that a file system is in an inconsistent state, indicating a non-graceful shutdown, such as a crash or power loss.

When one is told "Go fsck yourself!" the meaning implied is to "go away, analyze yourself, and fix your problems", mirroring fsck's primary function.

It is unclear whether this usage was cause or effect, as it has been anecdotally reported that Dennis Richie has claimed "The second letter was originally different."