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Not-so-unaccountably Disappointed
Feb. 11th, 2007 03:32 pmSo if you were to check my Facebook status right now, it would say I'm feeling "unaccountably disappointed." And while that's true -- I'm feeling disappointed in general right now -- the 'unaccountably' bit isn't entirely accurate.
I've been getting weekly bouts of depression, which isn't really unexpected. I'm back in California and while it's not all bad being so far away from my friends and family gets hard. Additionally, and I don't blame her, Laurel (My Only Friend in Monterey) has a boyfriend now, and two jobs, and school work, which means she doesn't really have a lot of time for me. And that's fair, and I *do*, despite her epithet, have other friends in the area. But deprived of attention, I get lonely and depressed. It's how I am.
More particularly right now, though, I'm disappointed in how things with Kira have gone -- or not gone, really. On the one hand, it's not surprising -- she's in Italy, she doesn't have a lot of internet access, and even if she did I get the feeling she's not one to take it the way I am. She's been keeping in touch with her friends and family through weekly mass-emails, and she's included me in that. So it's not all bad, just... She sends an email about her week, I respond with one about mine, and comment on interesting points she made, and... that's it. There's no dialog. And it feels an awful lot like giving someone else attention and not getting any back, which is the profile of all those wretched half-relationships I've had in recent years, and even if this isn't the same, even if it is just because she's in Europe and doesn't have a lot of time to read let alone reply to email, I still don't like how it feels. It's still disappointing. And the part of me that recognizes the similarity to past failures is all but screaming to cut out and get gone.
And that's disappointing, too.
And while it's true that I have a lot on my plate, and that everything I have right now is going to be uprooted and moved thousands of miles before Thanksgiving, and in a very real sense I don't have a lot of time or resources to devote to the kind of serious relationship I'm looking for... A little attention would be nice. A little something to hint at the fact that, while now may be infeasible, once that Graduation date has passed and things are different there could be a Something.
And I'm a little disappointed with myself for a dozen little meaningless things, not the least of which is my lack of motivation, and the fact that my room is still a disaster, and the fact that my car is still full of stuff I had in storage that I haven't found space in my room for.
I've been getting weekly bouts of depression, which isn't really unexpected. I'm back in California and while it's not all bad being so far away from my friends and family gets hard. Additionally, and I don't blame her, Laurel (My Only Friend in Monterey) has a boyfriend now, and two jobs, and school work, which means she doesn't really have a lot of time for me. And that's fair, and I *do*, despite her epithet, have other friends in the area. But deprived of attention, I get lonely and depressed. It's how I am.
More particularly right now, though, I'm disappointed in how things with Kira have gone -- or not gone, really. On the one hand, it's not surprising -- she's in Italy, she doesn't have a lot of internet access, and even if she did I get the feeling she's not one to take it the way I am. She's been keeping in touch with her friends and family through weekly mass-emails, and she's included me in that. So it's not all bad, just... She sends an email about her week, I respond with one about mine, and comment on interesting points she made, and... that's it. There's no dialog. And it feels an awful lot like giving someone else attention and not getting any back, which is the profile of all those wretched half-relationships I've had in recent years, and even if this isn't the same, even if it is just because she's in Europe and doesn't have a lot of time to read let alone reply to email, I still don't like how it feels. It's still disappointing. And the part of me that recognizes the similarity to past failures is all but screaming to cut out and get gone.
And that's disappointing, too.
And while it's true that I have a lot on my plate, and that everything I have right now is going to be uprooted and moved thousands of miles before Thanksgiving, and in a very real sense I don't have a lot of time or resources to devote to the kind of serious relationship I'm looking for... A little attention would be nice. A little something to hint at the fact that, while now may be infeasible, once that Graduation date has passed and things are different there could be a Something.
And I'm a little disappointed with myself for a dozen little meaningless things, not the least of which is my lack of motivation, and the fact that my room is still a disaster, and the fact that my car is still full of stuff I had in storage that I haven't found space in my room for.
