(no subject)

Tonight, I talked with Claire, Nifer, and Meredith, three of my favorite ladies. It made me very happy, and Nifer says she'll be up for a visit before the year's end. It will be so good to see her again; it's been nearly four years! Meredith seems to be getting alone well enough for herself; she recently broke up with her boyfriend for fear of losing her self-identity, and I think it was a good choice, hurt though it might. And Claire is always dear. And amusing, too. She's lots of fun to talk to; we really should do it more often.

I also got to talk with Jean for a time tonight. -laughs- I don't think anyone here, save maybe relatives and a lone friend, knows what significance she once had. We talked about school, and graduating, and The Future. It was nice.

But now, I must sleep. Last night was restless, and I fear tonight may be, as well. I want to say it's my nerves, but I wouldn't know what could be bothering me.

Out to Christendom again on Thursday. I still haven't heard back about the Scholarship.

Echoing

*wilts*
I can't yet decide if the facade I have up is happier or more miserable than I really am. I suppose it depends on where you're looking at me from.

In every-day life, I'm doing fine. I'm confident, collected, amiable. In every-day life, things are the way they've ever been, more or less.

A little bit below that surface, I'm listless. I don't want to go to class, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do much of anything. The classes I'm taking are dull at best, an utter waste of my time at worst. Work is an office full of people I simply don't like asking me meaningless questions about technology. I don't want to do my schoolwork, or even read a book, or watch any movies or anything. I have no motivation to speak of, and I don't like that.

Deeper still, I'm scared, confused, and lonely. I should be graduating this spring and, Scholarship aside, I have no idea what I'll be doing after that. I don't even know where i'll be living, and I'm afraid I'll lose touch with most of the friends I currently have. I'm afraid I won't get the scholarship, which is the only thing I have right now as any kind of direction, and the only thing that's ever given me and real career-oriented goals.

I'm lonely, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm fine when I'm with people, at a party and having fun, or just sitting and talking; I can be me, and I have a sense of self and purpose. I lose myself without people. I get mired in the Big Things that don't affect day-to-day life, but lurk deep under the surface all the time. I *need* people, and I've always known this. I think if I just had a few good friends who I could see more often, just someone to really connect with every now and again, I'd be alright.

But connected to this is my frustration and disappointment in Love. There's the thing with Suzannah which I don't think anyone really understands, mostly for my inability to adaquatly explain it all. I'm torn because, in short, I'm interested and she's not. And I don't know if she ever will be or not. And while I don't just want to drop it and give up, I also don't want to press on her. I don't want to loser her friendship due to the fact that I like her; that's the stupidest thing in the world. But I don't know what to do, and I don't know that anything would change even if she were interested -- she has another two years yet of school, and I may well be across the country by then. The most frustrating thing about it all is that I can't *do* anything. My dreams hinge on some other person (not necessarily Suzannah) assenting to them. And it doesn't help that EVERY time I think I've found Someone other than her who I might be interested in, they have a boyfriend they've been seeing for the last two years. I'm blocked at every turn, and I get scared that I never will find Someone. "But you will; you must. Have faith." Ironically enough, faith is one of the things I find I'm most lacking in. I see nothing in the world to convince me that I must needs be happy in the end.

I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired and scared, and I can *feel* myself pulling away from everything, and I don't want to.
And now I've gone and gotten emotionally charged, and utterly depressive. I'm really not as bad off as I sound. I'm not.

Class time.

(no subject)

So, I used to know this girl, back when I was AlfaOmmega on AOL, who went by the nick-name of Wedge -- I assume in reference to Final Fantasy VI, as I recall we both shared a love of the game. I don't remember what her screen name was, but I do remember her name was Regina.

I bring this up just because I was going through my pictures -- I have a whole folder set aside for pictures, as I love them, and they help me remember -- and I found one of her from forever ago. I'm pretty sure no one I know now knows her, but it would be neat to find her again. And hey, Six Degrees, y'know?