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jackofallgeeks*wilts*
I can't yet decide if the facade I have up is happier or more miserable than I really am. I suppose it depends on where you're looking at me from.
In every-day life, I'm doing fine. I'm confident, collected, amiable. In every-day life, things are the way they've ever been, more or less.
A little bit below that surface, I'm listless. I don't want to go to class, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do much of anything. The classes I'm taking are dull at best, an utter waste of my time at worst. Work is an office full of people I simply don't like asking me meaningless questions about technology. I don't want to do my schoolwork, or even read a book, or watch any movies or anything. I have no motivation to speak of, and I don't like that.
Deeper still, I'm scared, confused, and lonely. I should be graduating this spring and, Scholarship aside, I have no idea what I'll be doing after that. I don't even know where i'll be living, and I'm afraid I'll lose touch with most of the friends I currently have. I'm afraid I won't get the scholarship, which is the only thing I have right now as any kind of direction, and the only thing that's ever given me and real career-oriented goals.
I'm lonely, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm fine when I'm with people, at a party and having fun, or just sitting and talking; I can be me, and I have a sense of self and purpose. I lose myself without people. I get mired in the Big Things that don't affect day-to-day life, but lurk deep under the surface all the time. I *need* people, and I've always known this. I think if I just had a few good friends who I could see more often, just someone to really connect with every now and again, I'd be alright.
But connected to this is my frustration and disappointment in Love. There's the thing with Suzannah which I don't think anyone really understands, mostly for my inability to adaquatly explain it all. I'm torn because, in short, I'm interested and she's not. And I don't know if she ever will be or not. And while I don't just want to drop it and give up, I also don't want to press on her. I don't want to loser her friendship due to the fact that I like her; that's the stupidest thing in the world. But I don't know what to do, and I don't know that anything would change even if she were interested -- she has another two years yet of school, and I may well be across the country by then. The most frustrating thing about it all is that I can't *do* anything. My dreams hinge on some other person (not necessarily Suzannah) assenting to them. And it doesn't help that EVERY time I think I've found Someone other than her who I might be interested in, they have a boyfriend they've been seeing for the last two years. I'm blocked at every turn, and I get scared that I never will find Someone. "But you will; you must. Have faith." Ironically enough, faith is one of the things I find I'm most lacking in. I see nothing in the world to convince me that I must needs be happy in the end.
I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired and scared, and I can *feel* myself pulling away from everything, and I don't want to.
And now I've gone and gotten emotionally charged, and utterly depressive. I'm really not as bad off as I sound. I'm not.
Class time.
I can't yet decide if the facade I have up is happier or more miserable than I really am. I suppose it depends on where you're looking at me from.
In every-day life, I'm doing fine. I'm confident, collected, amiable. In every-day life, things are the way they've ever been, more or less.
A little bit below that surface, I'm listless. I don't want to go to class, I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do much of anything. The classes I'm taking are dull at best, an utter waste of my time at worst. Work is an office full of people I simply don't like asking me meaningless questions about technology. I don't want to do my schoolwork, or even read a book, or watch any movies or anything. I have no motivation to speak of, and I don't like that.
Deeper still, I'm scared, confused, and lonely. I should be graduating this spring and, Scholarship aside, I have no idea what I'll be doing after that. I don't even know where i'll be living, and I'm afraid I'll lose touch with most of the friends I currently have. I'm afraid I won't get the scholarship, which is the only thing I have right now as any kind of direction, and the only thing that's ever given me and real career-oriented goals.
I'm lonely, and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm fine when I'm with people, at a party and having fun, or just sitting and talking; I can be me, and I have a sense of self and purpose. I lose myself without people. I get mired in the Big Things that don't affect day-to-day life, but lurk deep under the surface all the time. I *need* people, and I've always known this. I think if I just had a few good friends who I could see more often, just someone to really connect with every now and again, I'd be alright.
But connected to this is my frustration and disappointment in Love. There's the thing with Suzannah which I don't think anyone really understands, mostly for my inability to adaquatly explain it all. I'm torn because, in short, I'm interested and she's not. And I don't know if she ever will be or not. And while I don't just want to drop it and give up, I also don't want to press on her. I don't want to loser her friendship due to the fact that I like her; that's the stupidest thing in the world. But I don't know what to do, and I don't know that anything would change even if she were interested -- she has another two years yet of school, and I may well be across the country by then. The most frustrating thing about it all is that I can't *do* anything. My dreams hinge on some other person (not necessarily Suzannah) assenting to them. And it doesn't help that EVERY time I think I've found Someone other than her who I might be interested in, they have a boyfriend they've been seeing for the last two years. I'm blocked at every turn, and I get scared that I never will find Someone. "But you will; you must. Have faith." Ironically enough, faith is one of the things I find I'm most lacking in. I see nothing in the world to convince me that I must needs be happy in the end.
I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired and scared, and I can *feel* myself pulling away from everything, and I don't want to.
And now I've gone and gotten emotionally charged, and utterly depressive. I'm really not as bad off as I sound. I'm not.
Class time.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-27 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-27 08:22 pm (UTC)-smirk- I'm becoming jaded in my old age. I don't like that.
I like to think it's just a phase, and one I'm climbing out of, and I want to believe things are alright. I just get so discouraged and frustrated.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-27 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-28 06:59 am (UTC)::hugs:: we all pull away from time to time. you should see me, i'm horrible about it. just try to keep your chin up. it's not in your true nature to be down in the dumps. you're andrew, afterall.
I hope this is not harsh....
Date: 2004-10-28 02:46 pm (UTC)Re: I hope this is not harsh....
Date: 2004-10-28 03:20 pm (UTC)I just have these moments of doubt and hesitation, usually late at night, and that's a good part of what gets on this journal -- it's a good part of the whole of the post above.
When I say I need people, it's simply because I'm an extroverted people-person; I don't need any one person in particular, just people in general.
The trouble with setting a course and making decisions and all that is, simply put, exactly as I stated above -- what I really want to do with my life (get married, have a family) *requires* another person. And I'm at a loss as to ANY sort of plan one could make regarding that. It seems the only advise anyone can ever give on the topic is "sit back and wait for it to come to you," which seems less than satisfactory.
So, uhm, yeah -- it's not me that I have troubles with. It's more my situation that's bothering me. And I guess, in the daylight after a night's rest and a warm shower, this too shall pass.
As an afterthought, I do want to love and be loved -- my desire for family isn't just so I can raise children to adults (a process which has always fascinated me). But as gets pointed out to me time and again, I am loved, and there are plenty whom I love. So it's not so bad there, either. Things are just harder to see in the dark.
quote from Timetao
Date: 2004-10-28 05:05 pm (UTC)thoughts
Date: 2004-10-30 11:43 pm (UTC)From my impressions of you (and yes, I know, I may just be wrong), you are someone who feels things very strongly and strives to achieve high goals that you have set for yourself. When you fall short, you take it very hard. In any case, that is what *I* do, and why I fall often into these horribly depressed funks. The key, I'm finding, is learning when to rethink yourself and rework your plans.