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jackofallgeeksI still don't want to move on.
I still don't know what moving on means.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I want to believe she still likes me.
I want to believe she still wants me around.
I want to believe I'm worth knowing.
In the span of one year, I met her, loved her, and lost her. And why did I lose her?
Because I'm Catholic. I don't think it can really be put any other way.
I don't blame her, though. I don't think I can. Yeah, I could say she couldn't compromise, but at the same time, neither could I. As much as she can't have a Catholic family, I must have a Catholic family. It's, I don't know....
I think, emotionally, I'm rather immature. Think what you may, I actually pride myself on my maturity and sensibility. But when it comes right down to it, why can't I leave things well enough alone? Because I want to feel the way I used to, when she and I were together. I need someone to tell me that I'm wanted. perhaps it's not immaturity, per se. Perhaps it's just a weakness. And while I understand that I'm not perfect, and that weakness is human nature, I still don't like it. I think our true failings are the hardest ones to face. The ones we want to deny most strongly.
I think back a ways and remember a girl who got excited when I came to visit. A girl who seemed intensly interested in learning who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be. A girl who cried that spring afternoon when I left her on a train.
I look now and see a girl who is content, happy without me. A girl who sees me as a friend, and nothing more. I should almost expect less - I have nothing to offer her. Nothing she wants.
And what the fuck is wrong with me, that I can't accept that. So everything that I understand to be so says she shouldn't want me around - but she honestly seems to care, at least sometimes. Why can't I just be content to know her? I want to be, and I think with effort I can get there. I just...I want someone to care. I want someone who I can go to, on days like this, and just cry to. Someone who I can be weak with, and who won't tell me to suck it up, move on. Someone who won't look at me like I'm a five-year old and tell me to grow up. For a year I've wanted that person to be her. And it can't be. She doesn't want it to be.
The deepest wound is that, maybe, she's not the girl I thought she was. I hate to think it, I don't want to think it, but... Sometimes I wonder if it was all a show. If she said and did things just to make me happy. One might think I would be honored, that my happiness would be so important as for her to pretend to be someone else. Fuck That. I don't want to be happy - I want to be accepted, truely and honestly. Not out of pity, not out of some ultieror design, not because 'everyone deserves to be happy.' I want to be wanted as I am, everything else be damned. If you're mad at me, I want you to get mad. If you think I ask too much, tell me. I don't want utopia - I don't want paradise. I want life and love, I want the good with the bad.
I want the good with the bad. I am the good with the bad. "Bitch" is such an appropriate song. You can't take a person and look at one aspect of them. You can't look at my darkness and KNOW me. You can't KNOW who I am by seeing me at my best. We're all human, we're all weak. I don't want someone to think I'm perfect. I don't want someone I think is perfect. I want someone who understands me, and loves me, and lets me love them, damn it.
I want to stop repeating myself all the time. I complain about wanting to hold her, and I admonish myself for not being content with 'just friends' and I think all these thoughts... I read an old paper journal of my, and it's all the same things over again. The names change, but it's all the same.
I want to know I'm worth knowing. I want to know I'm important to someone. I want someone to understand me, but I'm afraid of pushing too hard, of asking too much. I'm afraid no one cares, and that my pleas for someone to listen is only going to drive everyone away. I still want to spend time with her, but I'm afraid of becoming such a nuisance that she intentionally avoids me.
I appologize. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore, and I feel there's little point in subjecting any of you to this mindless rave. I fear I'm getting a reputation for being depressive, but that's not who I am. Not totally. Only partially.
But I'm tired, and lonely, and frustrated.
That's where this comes from.
I shouldn't post this.
I should go.
Addendum: This post, I think, gradually sank into a great, whirling death-spiral. Today has just sucked, and while I started by making a point (I'm weak, particularly emotionally) it's like the crack that breaks the dam, and I just kept going. I know you all care - at the very least I believe you could care, or you wouldn't be seeing this. I also believe you can all understand my life isn't as wretched as some of these posts present it. I like to think you've all seen me in good times - I'm just battling the difficult ones now. There's so much shit going on, the end of our relationship only being the tip of the iceberg, and it all gets to me sometimes.
Current mood: dark
Current music: bitch - ???
I still don't know what moving on means.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I want to believe she still likes me.
I want to believe she still wants me around.
I want to believe I'm worth knowing.
In the span of one year, I met her, loved her, and lost her. And why did I lose her?
Because I'm Catholic. I don't think it can really be put any other way.
I don't blame her, though. I don't think I can. Yeah, I could say she couldn't compromise, but at the same time, neither could I. As much as she can't have a Catholic family, I must have a Catholic family. It's, I don't know....
I think, emotionally, I'm rather immature. Think what you may, I actually pride myself on my maturity and sensibility. But when it comes right down to it, why can't I leave things well enough alone? Because I want to feel the way I used to, when she and I were together. I need someone to tell me that I'm wanted. perhaps it's not immaturity, per se. Perhaps it's just a weakness. And while I understand that I'm not perfect, and that weakness is human nature, I still don't like it. I think our true failings are the hardest ones to face. The ones we want to deny most strongly.
I think back a ways and remember a girl who got excited when I came to visit. A girl who seemed intensly interested in learning who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be. A girl who cried that spring afternoon when I left her on a train.
I look now and see a girl who is content, happy without me. A girl who sees me as a friend, and nothing more. I should almost expect less - I have nothing to offer her. Nothing she wants.
And what the fuck is wrong with me, that I can't accept that. So everything that I understand to be so says she shouldn't want me around - but she honestly seems to care, at least sometimes. Why can't I just be content to know her? I want to be, and I think with effort I can get there. I just...I want someone to care. I want someone who I can go to, on days like this, and just cry to. Someone who I can be weak with, and who won't tell me to suck it up, move on. Someone who won't look at me like I'm a five-year old and tell me to grow up. For a year I've wanted that person to be her. And it can't be. She doesn't want it to be.
The deepest wound is that, maybe, she's not the girl I thought she was. I hate to think it, I don't want to think it, but... Sometimes I wonder if it was all a show. If she said and did things just to make me happy. One might think I would be honored, that my happiness would be so important as for her to pretend to be someone else. Fuck That. I don't want to be happy - I want to be accepted, truely and honestly. Not out of pity, not out of some ultieror design, not because 'everyone deserves to be happy.' I want to be wanted as I am, everything else be damned. If you're mad at me, I want you to get mad. If you think I ask too much, tell me. I don't want utopia - I don't want paradise. I want life and love, I want the good with the bad.
I want the good with the bad. I am the good with the bad. "Bitch" is such an appropriate song. You can't take a person and look at one aspect of them. You can't look at my darkness and KNOW me. You can't KNOW who I am by seeing me at my best. We're all human, we're all weak. I don't want someone to think I'm perfect. I don't want someone I think is perfect. I want someone who understands me, and loves me, and lets me love them, damn it.
I want to stop repeating myself all the time. I complain about wanting to hold her, and I admonish myself for not being content with 'just friends' and I think all these thoughts... I read an old paper journal of my, and it's all the same things over again. The names change, but it's all the same.
I want to know I'm worth knowing. I want to know I'm important to someone. I want someone to understand me, but I'm afraid of pushing too hard, of asking too much. I'm afraid no one cares, and that my pleas for someone to listen is only going to drive everyone away. I still want to spend time with her, but I'm afraid of becoming such a nuisance that she intentionally avoids me.
I appologize. I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore, and I feel there's little point in subjecting any of you to this mindless rave. I fear I'm getting a reputation for being depressive, but that's not who I am. Not totally. Only partially.
But I'm tired, and lonely, and frustrated.
That's where this comes from.
I shouldn't post this.
I should go.
Addendum: This post, I think, gradually sank into a great, whirling death-spiral. Today has just sucked, and while I started by making a point (I'm weak, particularly emotionally) it's like the crack that breaks the dam, and I just kept going. I know you all care - at the very least I believe you could care, or you wouldn't be seeing this. I also believe you can all understand my life isn't as wretched as some of these posts present it. I like to think you've all seen me in good times - I'm just battling the difficult ones now. There's so much shit going on, the end of our relationship only being the tip of the iceberg, and it all gets to me sometimes.
Current mood: dark
Current music: bitch - ???
