jackofallgeeks | Thank you, Postvixen

"...and I had a flash of empathy, looking at my boyfriend. He had casually just told me and our roommate how much he missed one of his friends from his hometown, and it truly dawned on me for the first time that he is every bit as complicated and real as I am. I am an entire world -- twenty-six years of memories, ideas, and dreams -- and it just stunned me to finally realize that there was another entire world, just as vast as my own, sleeping right beside me every night. Night after night, I'd contented myself with only seeing the first couple layers of that world. And the implication of this was even more amazing -- there are 6 _billion_ unimaginably huge internal worlds, very little of which are ever going to intersect."

I now have a great deal more respect for Kincaid, and feel I can relate quite a bit to her, just after reading her first post. I hope to read more.

Today has been a rather 'blah' day. I've felt pretty useless, like I was just a burden on people, you know?

As a child, when I'd do something wrong or such, as always, my parents would punish me. It's the typical thing for parents to do. The funny thing is, I would very often run crying to my room, saying something such as "I want my mommy," when we all know it was that self-same 'mommy' who was punishing me.

I want to stop wondering if Claire wants to talk to me. It's really stupid, actually - if I can believe anything I remember, or anything in these journals, or even anything that's happened this summer, I should be able to puzzle out that yes - Claire does care for me. And I for her. And there's nothing I should be worried about. But the fact remains that I haven't really talked to her in several weeks, and even since she's returned from camp we haven't 'really' talked. *sigh* I just want to curl up next to her... I want a cookie. Skrew that, I want the whole box...

There are two things I find exceedingly hard to do. The first is say anything definate about another person, in particular on what they think or feel. It makes sense, in a way - I have this thing against ignorant, and in general, isn't it ignorant to claim truth about something you CAN'T know, such as another person's feelings? But even given every proof I have that Claire cares for me (and I think we almost have a years-worth, now) it's hard for me to say that.

The second thing is a bit more abstract, and Kincaid confirms that it's not just me...but I've always had this...habit of not really seeing people as 'people.' ><* I don't mean that as it sounds, but like how Kincaid put it - I habitually take for granted the fact that other people have hopes and dreams and histories and fears just as much as I do. But you don't see that - you don't see people from the inside. I don't think anyone would believe me if I said I was shy, at least not if you've known me since 6th grade, and even Louis would debate the fact - but be that as it may, I am quite often very shy. I don't know...

I remember, as a kid, looking in the mirror once. A friend of mine - or a brother, or someone - made the comment that, since the mirror is 'backwards' you will "never see yourself the way others do." That statement is really quite profound. I make a great show of being confident, because I want to be a confident person. The joke of it all is that even when I'm acting confident, I'm just as nervous as the next guy. But, I guess, in any circumstance someone has to take control, and the one who does seems confident...or something. Maybe just taking control, regardless of inner struggle, is confidence...

So, uhm, yeah... ^^;; I donno why I wrote this. I guess I was just inspired by Postvixen. One day, maybe, I'll introduce myself and thank her.