Thank you, Postvixen

[jackofallgeeks]

"...and I had a flash of empathy, looking at my boyfriend. He had casually just told me and our roommate how much he missed one of his friends from his hometown, and it truly dawned on me for the first time that he is every bit as complicated and real as I am. I am an entire world -- twenty-six years of memories, ideas, and dreams -- and it just stunned me to finally realize that there was another entire world, just as vast as my own, sleeping right beside me every night. Night after night, I'd contented myself with only seeing the first couple layers of that world. And the implication of this was even more amazing -- there are 6 _billion_ unimaginably huge internal worlds, very little of which are ever going to intersect."

I now have a great deal more respect for Kincaid, and feel I can relate quite a bit to her, just after reading her first post. I hope to read more.

Today has been a rather 'blah' day. I've felt pretty useless, like I was just a burden on people, you know?

As a child, when I'd do something wrong or such, as always, my parents would punish me. It's the typical thing for parents to do. The funny thing is, I would very often run crying to my room, saying something such as "I want my mommy," when we all know it was that self-same 'mommy' who was punishing me.

I want to stop wondering if Claire wants to talk to me. It's really stupid, actually - if I can believe anything I remember, or anything in these journals, or even anything that's happened this summer, I should be able to puzzle out that yes - Claire does care for me. And I for her. And there's nothing I should be worried about. But the fact remains that I haven't really talked to her in several weeks, and even since she's returned from camp we haven't 'really' talked. *sigh* I just want to curl up next to her... I want a cookie. Skrew that, I want the whole box...

There are two things I find exceedingly hard to do. The first is say anything definate about another person, in particular on what they think or feel. It makes sense, in a way - I have this thing against ignorant, and in general, isn't it ignorant to claim truth about something you CAN'T know, such as another person's feelings? But even given every proof I have that Claire cares for me (and I think we almost have a years-worth, now) it's hard for me to say that.

The second thing is a bit more abstract, and Kincaid confirms that it's not just me...but I've always had this...habit of not really seeing people as 'people.' ><* I don't mean that as it sounds, but like how Kincaid put it - I habitually take for granted the fact that other people have hopes and dreams and histories and fears just as much as I do. But you don't see that - you don't see people from the inside. I don't think anyone would believe me if I said I was shy, at least not if you've known me since 6th grade, and even Louis would debate the fact - but be that as it may, I am quite often very shy. I don't know...

I remember, as a kid, looking in the mirror once. A friend of mine - or a brother, or someone - made the comment that, since the mirror is 'backwards' you will "never see yourself the way others do." That statement is really quite profound. I make a great show of being confident, because I want to be a confident person. The joke of it all is that even when I'm acting confident, I'm just as nervous as the next guy. But, I guess, in any circumstance someone has to take control, and the one who does seems confident...or something. Maybe just taking control, regardless of inner struggle, is confidence...

So, uhm, yeah... ^^;; I donno why I wrote this. I guess I was just inspired by Postvixen. One day, maybe, I'll introduce myself and thank her.

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

This Postvixen is the gal who posted the abortion thingie?

Just goes to show you she's a multi-faceted person, just like the rest of us, yes? (funny how that ties-in with your entry...hee hee)

I'm afraid I can't really see what you mean about the not seeing people as people thing. I mean, I know what you're saying, but since I've always been empathic towards people and interested in what motivates us psychologically, I tend to try to see people from every depth and crevice I possibly can. Admittedly, it's hard, because you can never know every little thing about another person; we'd be hard-pressed to know everything about ourselves. I guess that's part of the reason we were put here, though - to try to suss out a good life and connect with each other, even though we have so many differences and idiosyncracies, it's insane.

And, darling, I'm sure Claire has missed you just as much as you've missed her. Wait until you see each other again; everything will be marvelous. You'll see. ^_^

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

*chuckles* Heavens, no. Postvixen is someone I stumbled upon on LJ, yes, and if anything, she proves that Find Users: Random is not inherently flawed. No, Postvixen I can relate to on a very deep level. Who ever posted that "abortion" thing, while I'm sure she's a very multi-faceted person, is most assuredly not one I feel I could ever admire, if even talk to. No, I saw that post, and promtly left the journal. I didn't even pause to see who the poster WAS.

See, I'd like to see what motivates people, and find out who they are, which is why SEEING someone as a person so fascinates me - I could be entralled by someone for hours simply listening to their history, and personal reflections and such. But I don't think like that. It's rather beyond me, like some truth you can't quite grasp, a cord you can't quite hear, or a motion you can't quite see. it's there, I know vit is, but I have this habit of taking that truth for . ^^ I know it must sound weird; it's very hard to explain.

And yes, I'm sure she's missed me. Intellectually, I KNOW she cares - everything tells me so. But emotionally, I'm just sick and tired of never seeing her, or talking to her, or... Emotionally, I'm not doing as well, you culd say. ^^;;

[surichan.livejournal.com]

I hope the emotional bit gets better for you soon. I can understand where you're coming from, having had a long-distance relationship myself...

I hope you talk to her soon.

[dreamingaloud.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean, about wondering if Claire wants to talk to you. Sometimes - when Beth and I don't talk for such long period of time (for whatever reason) ... it's so hard to remind myself that just because we haven't talked, doesn't mean we don't still care. But the addage of absence making the heart grow fonder doesn't always ring true, you know? Often it is 'out of sight, out of mind' and that can cause problems with a relationship.

But I wouldn't worry too much, Andrew-dear. You'll be back over on the east coast soon, you'll get to see her, and things will be fine. Besides.... who wouldn't miss you? ^__~

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

::Nods:: Yes, I can definately relate. ^^;;
Sadly, my friend, i'm afraid I can think of all too many people who wouldn't miss me. *glowers*
^__^ But I appreciate the kind thoughts. Thanks, Mel. ^^

Re:

[dreamingaloud.livejournal.com]

Hey! I'd miss you. ::nudge::

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

^^ Thanks, Mel.
For the record, you weren't counted in that list.

[surichan.livejournal.com]

::boot to the head:: I would miss you too, baka!!

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Thank you, ma'am! May I have another?
Yes, yes, OK! *waves white flag*
I never said any of YOU (meaning everyone here on LJ) would "not miss me," and yes, it could be argued that that's all that counts. ^^;; I'm not focusing on the fact, but I'm sure everyone hear can name at least one person who I might mark on said list.