An Empty House is Not a Home

[jackofallgeeks]

So, here I am. After about four months on the East Coast I'm set up in my house with the Internet and everything. And it's really kind of great. I mean, I'll complain about how the whole house-hunting bit was kind of stressful and mildly unpleasant -- my Realtor was definitely irritating -- but after little more than a month I got the house of my choice. And really, I have A LOT to be happy about. I own my own house; I've gotten myself some really nice furniture, including leather couches, a Widescreen HD TV, and a wonderful queen-sized bed. I have a solid job, good pay, family close by, friends, and RPG starting up. I'm healthy and still have disposable income, even after the luxuries I allow myself.

So I'm not unhappy, just... God, am I lonely. I have friends and family in the area, yeah, but when I come home it's just me. I don't like being by myself. When I was in California I would keep to myself a lot -- I get intimidated easily by people who I want to like me -- but at least there were people there. At least I could hear them or see them. I wasn't alone. As much as I like this place being *mine*, it would be worth having a housemate just to have someone to share this space with me.

I want very badly to be a family man. Everyone I know is married or engaged or seriously involved. Several of them are having babies. Sometimes I fear I want it too much, but I don't know how to want it less, and I'm not sure I'd want to if I did.

I have no idea how to meet people. I get intimidated easily by people who I want to like me. I never had any trouble making friends at school or anything. People get thrown together randomly, and we're all just strangers to each other; that I can handle alright. I don't know how to sell myself to people who are indifferent or disinclined to know me. I don't know how to approach people who don't have a reason to want to know me.

Just a little dysphoric tonight. My heart breaks a little each night, just before I turn the lights off. I'll be better again, but I hate thinking to myself, "I have every reason to be happy." Because what do you do when you SHOULD be happy, but you know you aren't?


I know it wasn't, but I think this PostSecret could have been written for me.

Comments

[uhlrik.livejournal.com]

That RPG starting up thing... you mean Scion?

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

*embarrassed* Unfortunately not. That got put on hold so long ago... I'm definitely interested in trying to revive it, though, if I can get in touch with the other players...

The game that IS starting up is one in realspace, some guys I used to game with in College. We're doing a collaborative storytelling game called "Burning Empires" which I'm really psyched about. Do you know the setting or system?

[uhlrik.livejournal.com]

Oh, okay. No, I'm not familiar with it.

[photoholic62.livejournal.com]

Some of us sure would like to see pics of the house. Not to hint too broadly, or nothin...... :)

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

-smiles- I was going to do that today, but found my camera dead. It's charging now, and I hope to have pics to put up before the end of the weekend.

How are YOU doing? Congratulations on the 20th Anniversary, by the by.

[photoholic62.livejournal.com]

Good, good, I'll watch for pics then.

I am doing fine. Foot is bothersome tonight, but I know it is temporary.

Thanks! It's really 25 years, according to Texas law, but we didn't make it official until 20 years ago.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

It's really 25 years, according to Texas law, but we didn't make it official until 20 years ago.

That sounds like a little bit of a story...? I'm not familiar with Texas laws, or the marital discrepancies it may inflict.

[photoholic62.livejournal.com]

Texas is a common law state. I don't know all the little idiosycracies, or even how to spell idiosyncracy, but some of them are: if you live together more than x amount of time (which we did)and present yourselves as husband and wife, (which we didn't), or get married the proper way (which we did) then you are common law married.

We lived together five years before we got married. We had both been there/done that and wanted to make sure this one would stick.

It has.

[readiness.livejournal.com]

Are you sure you aren't depressed? Because you have a lot of really good positive things in your life right now...but you seem so sad.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm not sure I would know the difference between "being depressed" and "feeling really bad." I'm not CONSTANTLY sad. I'm lonely. When I have people over, or get to see my family, then I do alright.

[readiness.livejournal.com]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist?

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Only just as it's been brought up here. I'm not sure it would be useful because (1) I will not take medication, and (2) that boils things down to just talking things through with someone, and my friends generally serve that purpose for free.

[dikaiosunh.livejournal.com]

Well, two quick things... it does sound like it might be worth at least talking to someone professional about the possibility of depression. Since you're attached to the government, your health care plan probably covers it.

Second... having spent about 30 years of my life in some sort of school and then moved to a new city (even if one not *that* far away from my old home - but with many of my friends from DC getting their Ph.D.s and being flung to the winds at the moment, plus it being a bit far for a casual visit), I can say that whether you're gregarious or not, meeting new folks outside of school and work settings can just be hard. I've lived here for seven months now, and am only just starting to meet new folks who seem like they might end up being proper friends. The only advice I can give is... get involved in stuff. I mean, I would think that Church would be a sort of ready-made venue for that, especially since Catholic churches in particular tend to have lots of community work attached to them.

[nif.livejournal.com]

Well I do have to agree that getting involved in stuff is probably the best way to meet people. I think the church idea is pretty good, too-- there'll be tons of people doing social stuff (plus you could always volunteer and do some good in the world while simultaneously cruising for dates). Go take a class at a community center. Learn how to swing dance or something. It'll be fun, distracting, and even if you don't meet anyone you're learning a skill.

I don't think you're depressed. Depression is a physical condition resulting from a chemical imbalance in your brain, and has all sorts of symptoms that you just don't have (as far as I can tell). I think you're just lonely. There's nothing wrong with that; it happens. Counseling could still be beneficial if you feel like you need someone to talk to.

And hey, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Things will work out eventually. I bet once you stop focusing on it, you'll find yourself with all the things you're hoping for in no time.

Hope you feel better, Andrew. Looking forward to pics of the house!

Nif