jackofallgeeks: (Saddened)
[personal profile] jackofallgeeks
So, here I am. After about four months on the East Coast I'm set up in my house with the Internet and everything. And it's really kind of great. I mean, I'll complain about how the whole house-hunting bit was kind of stressful and mildly unpleasant -- my Realtor was definitely irritating -- but after little more than a month I got the house of my choice. And really, I have A LOT to be happy about. I own my own house; I've gotten myself some really nice furniture, including leather couches, a Widescreen HD TV, and a wonderful queen-sized bed. I have a solid job, good pay, family close by, friends, and RPG starting up. I'm healthy and still have disposable income, even after the luxuries I allow myself.

So I'm not unhappy, just... God, am I lonely. I have friends and family in the area, yeah, but when I come home it's just me. I don't like being by myself. When I was in California I would keep to myself a lot -- I get intimidated easily by people who I want to like me -- but at least there were people there. At least I could hear them or see them. I wasn't alone. As much as I like this place being *mine*, it would be worth having a housemate just to have someone to share this space with me.

I want very badly to be a family man. Everyone I know is married or engaged or seriously involved. Several of them are having babies. Sometimes I fear I want it too much, but I don't know how to want it less, and I'm not sure I'd want to if I did.

I have no idea how to meet people. I get intimidated easily by people who I want to like me. I never had any trouble making friends at school or anything. People get thrown together randomly, and we're all just strangers to each other; that I can handle alright. I don't know how to sell myself to people who are indifferent or disinclined to know me. I don't know how to approach people who don't have a reason to want to know me.

Just a little dysphoric tonight. My heart breaks a little each night, just before I turn the lights off. I'll be better again, but I hate thinking to myself, "I have every reason to be happy." Because what do you do when you SHOULD be happy, but you know you aren't?

From PostSecret
I know it wasn't, but I think this PostSecret could have been written for me.
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jackofallgeeks: (Default)
John Noble

August 2012

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