An Exercise In Futility
Dec. 5th, 2001 01:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksHmmmm, how does one begin?
I have this friend, one could say, and while I'm not particularly frustrated with them....or maybe I am....For simplicity and anonymity, we'll call said friend "Ben" You see, Ben has a friend, Jerry. Ben and Jerry have known each other for a while - longer than I've known either of them, particularly.
But since they've come to college, the two have changed, it seems. Ben says that Jerry isn't the guy he used to be - he does stupid stuff, hangs out with the wrong people - you know, drinks, messes around with women - heaven forbid he does anything worse, but that seems to be the way he's headed.
Anyways, Ben feels bad because he often feels he just wants their friendship to end - and understandably so. He just doesn't know Jerry anymore. But at the same time, I don't think he can do that, and I told him so. I told Ben that instead of ignore the issues for fear of a confrontation, it's his obligation as a friend to tell Jerry that he's skrewing up.
Sadly though, Ben is deathly afraid of confrontations. It's been said that I have more of a backbone than I admit to, and I simply can't understand Ben on this point. He says he sees it as a test - but a test of what I don't know.
It almost seems to me that Ben just wants to ignore the whole situation and wait for the relationship to wane. But I KNOW you can't do that - I've tried before. All you end up with is awkwardness, especially so when one side doesn't KNOW there's a problem. And it frustrates me that Ben won't see this, cause he's a really good friend of mine. And the way he's handling it, he's just going to end up regretting it. With a confrontation, yes, there MAY be hard feelings, but not only, and it's better than ambiguity. Often even when there's hard feeling the people involved can come to an understanding, even remain friends. You can't just starve a relationship and hope it goes away.
But, Ben won't listen to me. I would talk with Jerry, except me and him have never really been close, and it doesn't SPECIFICALLY involve me anyways. Even if I could get them to talk, I'm afraid I'd earn animosity from both sides if I interfered against their wishes, you know?
Anyways, that's that, I guess...
I have this friend, one could say, and while I'm not particularly frustrated with them....or maybe I am....For simplicity and anonymity, we'll call said friend "Ben" You see, Ben has a friend, Jerry. Ben and Jerry have known each other for a while - longer than I've known either of them, particularly.
But since they've come to college, the two have changed, it seems. Ben says that Jerry isn't the guy he used to be - he does stupid stuff, hangs out with the wrong people - you know, drinks, messes around with women - heaven forbid he does anything worse, but that seems to be the way he's headed.
Anyways, Ben feels bad because he often feels he just wants their friendship to end - and understandably so. He just doesn't know Jerry anymore. But at the same time, I don't think he can do that, and I told him so. I told Ben that instead of ignore the issues for fear of a confrontation, it's his obligation as a friend to tell Jerry that he's skrewing up.
Sadly though, Ben is deathly afraid of confrontations. It's been said that I have more of a backbone than I admit to, and I simply can't understand Ben on this point. He says he sees it as a test - but a test of what I don't know.
It almost seems to me that Ben just wants to ignore the whole situation and wait for the relationship to wane. But I KNOW you can't do that - I've tried before. All you end up with is awkwardness, especially so when one side doesn't KNOW there's a problem. And it frustrates me that Ben won't see this, cause he's a really good friend of mine. And the way he's handling it, he's just going to end up regretting it. With a confrontation, yes, there MAY be hard feelings, but not only, and it's better than ambiguity. Often even when there's hard feeling the people involved can come to an understanding, even remain friends. You can't just starve a relationship and hope it goes away.
But, Ben won't listen to me. I would talk with Jerry, except me and him have never really been close, and it doesn't SPECIFICALLY involve me anyways. Even if I could get them to talk, I'm afraid I'd earn animosity from both sides if I interfered against their wishes, you know?
Anyways, that's that, I guess...
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no subject
Date: 2001-12-03 10:13 pm (UTC)And, by the by, he probably very much appreciates your keeping him safely anonymous.
The Simplicity Of It All
Date: 2001-12-03 10:41 pm (UTC)As far as me having a better grip on the problem, I'm sure I don't - where Ben and Jerry are concerned, I'm sure there's much I miss, and I never assume to understand the dynamics of my own relationships, let alone other peoples.
And as for my "well of bravery" I must disagree, at least to a point. You see, this post is one part asking those reading for advice for me, or Ben. It is a second part just venting the irritation of my side of the situation. And the final part is a veiled attempted at getting through to him one last time. You see, I rather hope that Ben comes by my page and sees this post - I'm sure he'll see himself in all of this. So you see, this post is simply my cowards way out - I can't confront him (again) face to face, so I rely on vague imagry to get my point across. In that sense, this post doesn't make me much different from him, does it?
And yes, anonymity is often a valued comodity in private affairs. It's one thing to lay myself bare in this journal, but I would not presume to do likewise to anyone else. Partly, that's why I fear to say many things which pertain to me, for fear of exposing another party similarly involved (for example, Emily or Claire).
By the way - what IS that picture? Or rather, who? It's an...odd expression.
He's a deadly handsome man, baby!
Date: 2001-12-04 11:46 am (UTC)I hope Ben comes by and reads it as well, because I know he'll see how much you care. And I'm sure, when he's got all his miscellaneous problems with Jerry solved and out of the way, he'll appreciate your critical compassion for him all the more. And don't feel the need to sell yourself short as a coward for his sake. You're far from it.