(no subject)

[jackofallgeeks]

I just sent an email to my dad, just to say how much I admire and respect him. -smiles- And now I'm feeling really emotional. And I think I might cry. Which is exactly why I couldn't call him up and say it: because I would have never gotten it out.

I have not know a many who was the equal of, let alone the better to, my father. Everything I am, fundamentally, is because of him. The things that are important to me -- honesty, integrity, family -- are important because they're important to him. His is the model I try to live up to, even when I'm not aware of it. I like to think that I've turned out to be a pretty decent person, and I hope I could do half as good a job with my own kids as he did with his.

Sometimes I feel disappointed in myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm a wretched person, and I'm only getting worse the longer I'm left to my own devices. I'm just like everybody else, self-centered and inconsiderate and... Sometimes I feel really disappointed in myself for not really trying to go to the Academy, and I think my excuse of "I don't want to move anymore," is just that, and excuse, and a flimsy one. I imagine that, had I gone there, I would be more honorable and disciplined, and I'd have a set and clear career path, as opposed to drifting out here, pursuing a Master's program that often makes me feel in *way* over my head, and looking at a vague-at-best career path that doesn't clearly extend much beyond the next two years, at least in part because I'm not sure how much interest I have in it.

I've only ever considered a careers as a means toward the end of supporting and providing for the family I've always wanted. And you all know how discouraging romance has been for me these last few years. And it's hard sometimes. And i know I'm only 22 (23 in about six months), and that is really young, and I'm not even sure I'd really *want* to be married before I was 24 (though I can't say really why I think that), but... Sometimes I just wish I had more-certain footing. It would be nice to at least know a girl that I could see a future with...

I need some tea...

Comments

[masqerade.livejournal.com]

Just thought that I would tell you, you remind me a lot of dad. I respect and admire you just as much as I respect and admire dad. You have grown up to be a wonderful man. I am very proud of you. I do not beleive that the Acadamey would have made you any different than you are, only you yourself have that kind of power. I love you and am very proud of you.

[mordainlove.livejournal.com]

if you weren't so far away, and i didn't have the flu, i'd invite you over for some hot soy chai. it's the bestest when you're all emotional, no matter what the reason. :) perhaps when we finally get to meet up, i'll con you into having a soy chai with me. :)

i'm jealous because the girlfriend is heading straight for where you are (for wsn - it's a science thing, don't ask me) .... i joked that she could stop by and say hi for me.

love you, andrew.

[elwenlassriel.livejournal.com]

Odd I didn't see this before now. That is beautiful about you dad. I agree with Jenny about the Academy. I just want to say, for the record, that I think you are a wonderful person, and that you shouldn't at all be ashamed of who you are and what you have become. I continue to pray that you life will be fulfilled, and that you will be happy.

With love,
El