Particularly Looking for Feedback

[jackofallgeeks]

Like the subject? I came up with it myself. If you can see this, it's intentional, so, yeah, y'know...

So, this here is locked deeper than 'Friends Only.' Which is rare for me, as 'Friends Only' is about as deep as I put anything at all, and it's usually just time-specific stuff that will gen Unlocked as soon as I go through my Journal with just such a purpose, which happens once or twice a year. I mean, this thing's up here so people can Know who I am, so what's the point is keeping things closed? I've nothing to hide. And this will probably be Unlocked in time, too.

There's a few people locked out of this. The group's currently named 'Romance-Free,' which is a misnomer, because it's the people who are Locked Out who don't get the romance.

No, that doesn't mean this is a 'mushy' filter, bear with me.

The most notable bit is that my friend Meghan is Locked Out of this, because how can I make my plans with her reading over my proverbial shoulder?

Let me es'plain. No, there's too much; let me sum up.

Meghan is a girl I met at Christendom last year. She was a Freshman, which puts her a year younger than Gene. Which puts her about the same age as Josh. Which puts her roughly two years older than Tina. For those who can't do the math, she's about 3 years younger than me, is all I'm saying. She went to Contra, and I danced with her, and we started a friendship and so on. I deduced and she confessed to having a crush on me, but... There were complications on my side. part of it was I didn't... 'feel' for her the way I'd felt for other girls, like Claire and Anastasiya and Jean. And I don't know how much 'feeling' should matter, but... Well, this was also all while I was stuck on Suzannah. Then, just before moving out here, Suzannah said she'd rather never hear from me again. I'd already made plans to have dinner with Meghan before I left, and we did, and it was a nice time and we stayed out well past 2am talking, and we hugged and said our good-byes. I think there were tears, but no before we were both in our cars, and you know me and my memory.

So I get out here, and Meghan suggests I join Ave Maria (that dating site I mentioned), and I do, and right off meet Tessa, who's pretty and nice, and we seem to get along well. Meanwhile, Meghan and I are talking still, about the potential of Us, and I have to say I like the idea, and I like Meghan, but I still don't *feel* whatever nameless thing I can't find. And now there's Tessa.

A couple days ago, Tessa sends me a message saying, in short, "You're a swell guy and I wish you luck, but I've met someone else and we have so much in common, so this will be the last you hear from me." (Which, yes, is painfully close to things with Suzannah; just enough to hurt a little).

I haven't been one to believe in coincidences since sometime in highschool, so I'm *trying* to take the hint. Which means that I'm probably going to suggest to Meghan that we make Official whatever it is that's between us. The trouble is, I won't ask her Online, because that's ridiculous. And we're 3,000 miles apart, which I guess isn't a death-mark right off, but it makes it... hard for me to conceptualize. What does it mean to Date someone across a continent from you? I'm afraid it will look too much like an 'internet-relationship,' which I've always had a disdain for. And like I said, I still don't 'feel' that which is missing. And while I don't really think 'feeling' is necessary, at least not right-off, I don't want to settle -- it wouldn't be fair to her, and it would cheapen the whole thing for me. And how can you know there's not a better fit out there if you aren't looking?

But we do have a lot in common, in areas that matter, and she knows me pretty well (though I might argue it's not difficult to know me). So, I don't know, I guess it's at least worth a shot.

And, as a nod, my buddies quix and tiel just got engaged, which I guess is pertinent to the whole mood of this Post. Granted, he had, what, a 4-year headstart on me? But, yeah.

Congrats, by the by.  ^_^

Comments

[quix.livejournal.com]

A 4-year headstart? What does that mean exactly?

Anyways, to the topic of your post, I've actually got quite a bit of experience in this realm, both in LDR (long distance relationships) and online relationships. It should be noted that Jessi and I were originally an online relationship. We met on OKCupid.

My strongest recommendation? Don't. Don't make anything "official" first and foremost. If you have to tell her anything, just let know you're interested in her. There's no reason to rush anything, and if this is going to happen, it'll happen in it's own time and forcing it will avail you nothing except frustration.

I've been in your shoes, and I know how you feel, but believe me when I say that the best way to know for sure that Meghan (or any woman) is the one for you, is to not zero on her. Enjoy her company, get to know her better, let both of your feelings develop slowly of their own accord to where doing anything OTHER then being together just seems silly. Let yourself be aware of your other "options". Seeing the merits of other people will either a) help you realize that you're setting your sights on someone who truly is not right for you or b) let you see that the person you might think is "the one" really is.

One of the smartest things Jessi and I did before we got together was to tell each other, "I'm not looking for anything serious." It gave us the freedom to relax and just be ourselves and not worry so much about screwing up the relationship. And in doing so, we got to see how much potential the other person had.

So, you are presently stuck 3,000 miles away from someone you're starting to think might be girlfriend material. The best thing to do is not to stress about discovering that. Talk to her when you can, enjoy whatever modes of communication you can, but make sure to enjoy the social aspects of where you are as well. You'll discover a lot more about yourself and her as well if you do, in my humble opinion.

[bsgnome.livejournal.com]

Feedback ... so, like that stuff you get when you put the microphone too close to the speaker? :-P

Well, what can I say? Emotion is a physical reaction, for the most part--it doesn't tell you much of everything. Love isn't an emotion, it's an act of the will. I'm sure you've heard this all before.

What is 3,000 miles? About $200, right?
"Long-distance Relationship" does not equal "Internet Relationship," besides which, there have been happy instances of either being successful.
How can you know what you've got isn't the best fit?
Can a dog be happy?
Do you know the muffin man?
Do you know the muffin man?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

I'm not expert but I know one or two things I suppose.

[raen.livejournal.com]

The only advice I'll give you (and this is because I think it is what matters most in the end), is to either give 100% or give nothing at all.


As a side note, and I hope I assumed wrong from your post... 'she'll do for now' doesn't sound too good already. I'm not quoting you, I'm only letting you know that it is the feeling I received when I read the entire post. I've been on both sides of the fence with this type of thing and it's not fun either way. Again, I hope my assumption is way off.

Best of luck and thank you for letting me read this.

[ofthelily.livejournal.com]

Look, if you don't get the tingley feelings, your not going to magically get them for this girl. I know how much it sucks to be alone and not wanting to be alone, but don't do something you may regret just because you want to have a girlfriend. keep things were they are for the moment and keep getting to know her. Maybe one day there will be fireworks and everything will work out, who knows, but don't settle for second best.

*huggles the Andrew!*

[starlight1184.livejournal.com]

I believe I stand in line with whoever wrote the first comment here.
I don't think making anything Official is a good idea. First of all, is there any reason other than your desire to have a relationship with ANYONE that makes you want to have an "official" relationship with this particular someone?
My opinion - best option is to let her know that there is a growing interest (as your feelings don't stand where they did the first time this was brought up, if I'm not mistaken)... but use this time to get to know each other more. Spend the time talking to each other, etc. Its not necessary to make anything official. Maybe it will grow into something, and maybe it won't. But if you stick the title on there... theres a lot more pressure for something to appear, and more possibilities of frusteration when it doesn't. "Date"... in the truest sense of the word... to simply get to know one another better. Not exclusive. Keep an open mind. And if your feelings change... so be it. If not, you haven't forced a relationship where you really didn't want one (other than your basic longing for the proverbial "someone".

[photoholic62.livejournal.com]

I so very much agree with quix and starlight. No reason to make anything official. Just see where it leads, there is no rush. Really, none. Step back, see what happens, look around, there are options.

My hubby and I are both on our second marriage. I asked him about his first marriage. He said he never loved her, just didn't know how to say "no thanks" and the next thing he knew, he was married in a loveless marriage, with kids, and all he felt was stuck and miserable. Feelings matter, a whole heckuva lot!

[nif.livejournal.com]

Don't do it.

I may not be as levelheaded as most of these posts are but here goes.
Long distance, for all the romance and glory and sparkles in thinking "but we're different! WE can do it!", never works. And to me it sounds like you don't even have that. I was willing to sacrifice everything to be with Joe and we only had two years until it wouldn't be long distance anymore and pffff. Over. And that was coming out of a strong four year bond.

Don't do it.

Cus really, if you step back and take a look, what are the benefits of being Official at this point? I can't think of anything really that doesn't also fall into the category of Just Being Friends. You don't get the physical side of an Official relationship. I'm not talking sex, I'm talking just touching-- which is a very powerful bonding mechanism. So what's the point? Don't limit yourself. You just moved to a new place. You have the opportunity to meet tons of people.

And really, I think if you do make it Official, you'll end up feeling a lot more lonely than you did before.

Be with someone who you feel like you'll die if you can't have them. Be with someone who makes the tension in your gut loosen when you didn't even know it was there to begin with. But most of all, be with someone whose forehead you can poke whenever you feel like it.

That's all. Whatever you decide I wish you luck.

Love,
Nifer

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I love you, Nifer.

[nif.livejournal.com]

I love you too. You make my day a little brighter whenever I hear from you. Hopefully my perspective helped.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

-smiles- It's very nice to hear you say so.

Sorry I am so late

[masqerade.livejournal.com]

I've had a busy week looking for a house. I definetly agree that you should not make anything "official". Get to know her as friend. Ask her anything and everyhting you can think of that is important to you. You said yourself that you didn't spend much time getting to know her while you lived down in MD, so there is no saying how you will feel when you see her in person again, after learning everything you have about her. Seeing and talking to someone in person is so much more personal and can be much more intamite than just talking on the phone or the internet. You have the ability to look into someones eyes when you are face to face and eyes can reveal alot...you know the saying, when Irish eyes are smiling...eyes can do a lot more than just smile. If you think she is someone you could possibly spend the rest of your life with give the long distance a chance. If you don't you will always wonder "what if?"