The Morning After

[jackofallgeeks]

So, news in the life of me.

Class registration really snuck up on me. Everything went smoothly, though -- I'm signed up for Senior Design, Cryptography, Theories of Ethics, Human Biology, and General Psychology. That last is just something I've been interested in taking since Freshman year, and I don't need it to graduate, so if it's less than thrilling, I'll just drop it.

A few days ago, Suzannah and I were talking through email, and I mentioned how I'd been down about things. She asked if I wanted to talk about it, and so I pretty much gave her the whole run down -- mostly just general feelings of lethargy, frustration, and disapointment, but I also said how I was wrestling with my feelings for her. She suggested we get together and talk about stuff, and so I'm going out Friday to see her on Friday night. -shrugs- I don't know what I expect, or what I *should* expect, but I guess it makes me feel better just that she cares.

I got word back yesterday about the scholarship I applied for. The bad news is, I didn't get it. The good news is that the reason I didn't get it is that this was the application for Jan '05, not Aug '05. The even better news is that apparently the Selection Committee was really impressed with my application, I would have gotten the scholarship if I were graduating this winter, and I expect to have little trouble getting it for this coming fall.

I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of the way it's polarized this nation, how no one is a person in the eyes of politics, just Us or Them. I'm sick of how people have lost sight of what the election process is supposed to accomplish, and I'm sick of the way it's divided people so viciously. I'm sick of how friends feel they must distance themselves because of political leanings. I'm sick of how everyone has an attitude of impending doom, and I'm sick of how neither side will concede that the other has a valid point. I won't say who I voted for, partly because I could have gone either way (I can see both sides here), partly because it really doesn't matter (the election is over, and my part has been played), and partly because it's frankly no one's business. I have a set of values and priorities, and anyone who knows me should be able to figure out what that set is. I am a full person, and I'd like it if I were seen as such, not just some politically-aligned entity.

And I'm sick of ranting.

Most of all, though, I'm discouraged. I recognize that, on a lot of points, me and my friends disagree. And for the most part, I'm OK with that. But all of the carrying-ons over this election just accentuates it all, and some of the venom with which my friends have decried The Others stings pretty hard -- because for each one, on at least one point (if not more), I am The Other. I don't like what the implications of that might be.

The only thing worse than the feeling that your friends are not people you'd like to associate with is the feeling that you are not someone your friends want to associate with.

Comments

[mmeubiquitous.livejournal.com]

I hear you. I was curious which way you went because I was wondering if anything I said in my response to your post a while back made any sense and/or difference. But I can sympathize with just wanting it to be over and done.

I rant a lot, as you may have noticed (if you actually read any of my stuff). Most of the time I don't really want to, because 99% of my friends disagree with what I believe, sometimes violently. And I hate arguing, hate disagreement, because I have a pathological need to be liked. But I have a stronger (and probably more pathological :)) need to fight for what I think is right, what I think is good. And that gets me into a lot of trouble. And I often wonder if these people are really my friends, or even if they should be my friends, if they hold in such contempt the things that are so important to me.

Anyway. That's just the long way of saying "I hear you." You're not the only one dealing with this, by any stretch.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

See, I do like arguing, in a civil and intelligent manner. I don't mind disagreement, either, but I think it should be productive, rather than destructive the way it seems to be so very often. I suppose I have a need to be liked (I think we all do), but even more so, I have a need to be understood. I don't really care so much if someone likes me or not, so much as that it's based on a real understanding of who I am. I would almost rather someone honestly dislike me than like me mistakenly.

I wonder the same thing about my circle of friends, all too often, and I hae it. These are people I really care about and admire. i don't like some of the implications that come up.