nothing really matters....
Feb. 19th, 2002 11:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksTonight was... That's about all I can say. It was. And how it was. It was with a vengence.
No, I don't refer to the whole night. Rather, I refer to a very short period of time this night. A short period tonight which has held more importance than any other time since back some two or three weeks ago when I was with Claire.
In that short, short time span....I spoke with Emily. The real Emily.
My AIM hadn't warned me, it was Oli who pointed out that she was on. That was odd, but odder still was that when I said "Evening" she replied with "Sup?"
Surprised and dumbstruch, I asked if she were busy. She said she should be, but she was just sitting there, and if anyone found her - she said if she suddenly jumped offline, it was'nt me.
As Claire later pointed out, all this was good, very good. We spoke brokenly, she was checking her mail, I think, but we talked about how we were both procrastinating and stressing and stuff...
Silence falls.
I just have to ask - yes or no, did she get The Letter? Did she get it, because I regretted it as a selfish thing to do. Yes, yes she had - at a bad time, no less. she was really stressed when it arrived - oh how that makes me feel so much better.
Yes, she'd gottren it. She said I prolly knew the answer. I don't quite remember the question, but I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer....Oli asked me what I thought her answer was, and I said "no" with the assumption of the question being generally how she felt about me. As optomistic as I am, I'm a very doubtful man...I doubt how most people feel about me, not least of all her...
Soon after that, within a line or two, she had t'go. Mercifully, Claire got on then, and was readily glomped. As I told her, I didn't know if I wanted to smile, or cry, or crawl in a tiny hole and never come out. Of five girls I think I've ever *really* cared for like that, three have not been interested in me. One went out with me for a year and I've never seen her since.
And so, I feel quite dead. Quite dead and yet I think. Why should this change anything? Even if she doesn't like me *in that way*, so what? I still like her, right? I'm not so shallow as to drop a girl simply because she doesn't care for me likewise, right? ::Shakes his head:: No, I think not. Even knowing how I feel and how she doesn't, she still talks to me. She still says it's nice to see me. We're still friends. If anything, we're still friends...
And, you know, what's so bad with that. There are a number of girls I care for quite deeply where nothing could ever happen. If me and Emily are to be 'just friends', then I'm going to continue caring for her, simply because she's still the same girl. I'm rambling now, but the fact of the matter is that things don't change simply because affection isn't reciprocated.
I don't feel as happy as I sound, but that's the way thinngs are. I will survive.
Ironically enough, here are the songs that have played
------------------------------
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Princes Of The Universe - Queen
We Are The Champions - Queen
Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen
Creep - Radiohead (how...appropriate)
Sunday Bloody Sunday - Radiohead
No, I don't refer to the whole night. Rather, I refer to a very short period of time this night. A short period tonight which has held more importance than any other time since back some two or three weeks ago when I was with Claire.
In that short, short time span....I spoke with Emily. The real Emily.
My AIM hadn't warned me, it was Oli who pointed out that she was on. That was odd, but odder still was that when I said "Evening" she replied with "Sup?"
Surprised and dumbstruch, I asked if she were busy. She said she should be, but she was just sitting there, and if anyone found her - she said if she suddenly jumped offline, it was'nt me.
As Claire later pointed out, all this was good, very good. We spoke brokenly, she was checking her mail, I think, but we talked about how we were both procrastinating and stressing and stuff...
Silence falls.
I just have to ask - yes or no, did she get The Letter? Did she get it, because I regretted it as a selfish thing to do. Yes, yes she had - at a bad time, no less. she was really stressed when it arrived - oh how that makes me feel so much better.
Yes, she'd gottren it. She said I prolly knew the answer. I don't quite remember the question, but I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer....Oli asked me what I thought her answer was, and I said "no" with the assumption of the question being generally how she felt about me. As optomistic as I am, I'm a very doubtful man...I doubt how most people feel about me, not least of all her...
Soon after that, within a line or two, she had t'go. Mercifully, Claire got on then, and was readily glomped. As I told her, I didn't know if I wanted to smile, or cry, or crawl in a tiny hole and never come out. Of five girls I think I've ever *really* cared for like that, three have not been interested in me. One went out with me for a year and I've never seen her since.
And so, I feel quite dead. Quite dead and yet I think. Why should this change anything? Even if she doesn't like me *in that way*, so what? I still like her, right? I'm not so shallow as to drop a girl simply because she doesn't care for me likewise, right? ::Shakes his head:: No, I think not. Even knowing how I feel and how she doesn't, she still talks to me. She still says it's nice to see me. We're still friends. If anything, we're still friends...
And, you know, what's so bad with that. There are a number of girls I care for quite deeply where nothing could ever happen. If me and Emily are to be 'just friends', then I'm going to continue caring for her, simply because she's still the same girl. I'm rambling now, but the fact of the matter is that things don't change simply because affection isn't reciprocated.
I don't feel as happy as I sound, but that's the way thinngs are. I will survive.
Ironically enough, here are the songs that have played
------------------------------
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Princes Of The Universe - Queen
We Are The Champions - Queen
Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen
Creep - Radiohead (how...appropriate)
Sunday Bloody Sunday - Radiohead
