Life, Love, and Toothpicks...

[jackofallgeeks]

So I was thinking a while ago about what it is I look for in a Girl... Mike and I spoke for a bit about it today... a girl, he said, needs to be a friend, a room mate, and a lover. A tall order, he said. I think I would tend to agree with him, on both counts (what we want a girl to be, and that it's a lot to ask).

I've said it enough before, and I think I'll say it again, as it's what I was thinking before I spoke with Mike. I need a girl who I can Love. A girl who will be an outlet for my affection. I feel as though I'm physically bursting with affection, but it isn't appropriate to express it, fully, to anyone... I need someone who I don't need to hold back with, I think. Maybe that's even more to ask than Mike's request.

My friend Nifer once said that people are basically selfish, and that everything someone does boils down to a selfish desire. She even reduced a will to do what's Right as a selfish desire, and in the face of that sort of logic there's very little one can argue. still, I think I am a very selfish person. It haunts me. Even my love is a selfish love; I must needs be affectionate, and those I love are an outlet for my affection.

There has been a definition for Love that I've encountered a number of times, and which I hold rather highly. That is, Love is not an emotion or a state of mind, but an act of the will. A conscious action, something you choose to do, not something you happen to feel or tend to think. The trouble is that the willing is willing another's good before your own; that you would have another be happy, even if it means suffering for you. In a few cases, I might be able to claim something close to this definition. I don't know if I'm really capable of this sort of Love. I fear that, whoever She is, I won't be able to Love her enough as to have Her leave me, if need be.

Comments

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

Having both been in love and been loved, I think that worrying about what being in love is is sort of pointless.

When you're there, you'll know. If you have to ask, you're probably not.

On the other hand, I've also realized that there are lots and lots of different ways to be in love with someone. I'll never be in love with anyone again the way I was with my first lover -- every time he walked into the room my heart flipped over and I couldn't breathe and everything went sort of soft around the edges. It was *great* when I was 16 -- 8 years later, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't *want* that anymore. It was like being nauseous all the time, and losing myself in another person isn't something I'd ever like to do again.

Right now I'm in love with gdmusumeci, and it's a much more comfortable sort of thing -- no grand roller coasters, just lots and lots of "knowing he'll always be there." Being loved by him isn't something that causes me pain, it's something I draw strength from, and that's much better than what I had before, even if it isn't as loopy.

Every person loves and is loved differently, but they're really all acts of faith, in the end. You have to have faith that you are loved, and you have to have faith that the other person won't break your heart -- both of those are enormous gifts to your partner, and without them, love becomes impossible.