Shadows at Dawn

[jackofallgeeks]

Whee.
Listening to Pianoforte. I think this is another mix I made for Claire. I like it. Or something.
I think Anastasiya broke up with me tonight. -smirk- Now we're even.

Anyways, enough with cryptic statements. Tonight kinda sucks. Or something. I should be sleeping -- it's almost 2:40, and unless they close school again I'm supposed to have work at 10:00. Which would be good, the money would be nice to have. It'd be nice to go grocery shopping, too.
It'd be nice to have someone to talk to.

But in the words of a friend, that's the lonely bitch of it all. We all wish there was someone to talk to, but there never is. Or some such. I know you're all out there, even when I don't hear from you, and I know you all care... But you aren't here, not now, and so I have to deal with my anger and frustration and loneliness by myself. And you know, even if someone else were here, I'd probably be dealing with it by myself. Whatever.

We played a game of Magic again tonight. I found a multi-player format I really like, Predator and Prey. It's a nice set up which inclines itself against people getting ganged up on and maximizes the amount of game that gets played.
Being that I lke it, Curtis has of course decided it's shit. and as always when he gets fed up with my 'rulings' on Magic, he brought up the fact that we've banned his decks, and he gets so fucking sorry for himself... He's only happy when he's fucking on top, and if he can't always and definitively be on top, he gets pissy. To compound that, Zack had to be an ass and play a deck which, in the end, just made the game shit for everyone else at the table. So, of course, everyone got issed off, and so decided that the format I like is stupid and pointless. Well fuck that. I get fucking sick and tired of losing to Curtis's decks all the fucking time, and I can't even fucking watch a game of Emperor without getting shit for trying to orchestrate a fucking team. I'm getting sick of that shit, and if everything I think is fun about the game is meaningless to everyone else, I should just fucking quit. I have half a mind to ferry all my cards back home and fuck it all -- it'd free up a lot of fucking space in my room.
I love this game... *tear*

Suzannah didn't come to see the movie with us on Friday. Which, you know, was disappointing. And I got an email from her yesterday, which was nice, but... I don't know, it's just so frustrating... It's the same thing as ever... "They tell you life is one damn thing after another, but it's not. It's one damn thing over and over again." I wish I knew anything more definite than that we're still writing back and forth... I wish I could just open myself up and let her get to know me, but what would I say? What would I change? You can't make someone get to know you; you have to be sincerely interested in getting to know them, and it all falls together on its own... But, sometimes, I'm afraid I don't want her to get to know me... as I'vetold Rachel and Anastasiya and likely others before, I'm afraid the girl I'm looking for isn't the sort of girl who would be looking for me... especially on nights like this. I HATE it when my passions take over. I hate getting angry, I hate getting depressed. I hate falling to my lowwer self and yelling, or succumbing to other passions, and saying or doing things that I don't mean... I am not my passions, and I don't like who I become sometimes... Whatever...

I don't like being alone. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I get scared. and it's not even romantically alone, but alone in all it's senses... All of my friends can be so far away, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Sometimes it occurs to me that those I admire and call my friends wouldn't want me around... That I'm just a bother, hat we disagree too much, that I'm all-around to acidic... I don't know. I want a friend who I can go to with this, instead of just throwing it out into the ether of the Internet and hoping someone cares enough to trudge through my shit. I want to know there's someone out there who would look at this, and see past the anger and frustration and lonliness and see me underneathe it all... or something like that. I know you're all out there, don't get me wrong, and I appreciate you all even more than I could ever try to express, but... I don't know...

Like I said, I need to get to bed. It's 3:00.

Comments

[gumibearangel.livejournal.com]

“Side by side or miles apart, dear friends are always close to the heart.”

Andy dont feel lonely, there is at least one person out there who care about you and do see the real you, I'm sure of it. Though there are probably more then just one. Anyone who wouldnt want to be around you is crazy, you're nice, funny, easy to talk to,friendly, and just an all around great guy.

"Life is what you do to kill time between eating gummi worms.
Or something like that.
Cheer up, it can't rain all the time.?"

^-^ Luv Ya!

~*Tina*~

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

-smirk-
No fair. You're not allowed to use my Mighty Anti-Moofiness Action against me.

Anyways, if it HAD rained just a little more, I'd be sleeping, not sitting here at work reading about mathematical induction as it applies to recursive algorithms.

Maybe we where suppossed to be twins.

[masqerade.livejournal.com]

Everything uyou just wrote about is very similar to my post a week a ago(or somehting). We are obviously connected in some weird way. It seems to me that a lot of people have been feeling lonley lately even though we all know that we are not really alone.
Also, You can't be afraid to put yourself out there and let someone, whom you really like, get to know the real you. If you don't do that the relationship will either go nowhere or be a lie. Just trust that there is someone out there for you and that that someone will appreciate you for who you really are, and will try to get the real you out in the open.
I love you very much and think of more than just a brother but also as one of my best friends. I feel like I can talk to you about everythin and I hope you feel the same way.
And one more thing...."It can't rain all the time"!