The Other Post (Part 3)

[jackofallgeeks]

[A third post, cause maybe this is really alot longer than I thought...]

To say the leas, that wasn't to be the case. She wrote the following, again in LJ.

You are the only one who can read this. Its locked. I do not plan to unlock it for anyone. The tone of this is probably rather pissed off, I'm not as pissed as it probably sounds. Accualy I did the same thing I did when I told my mother to leave. I just shut off every part of me that gave a damn. And thats how its going to stay until someone gives me a damn good reason why I shouldnt do it.
Wow... that email really explained everything. Oh no wait.. It just repeated everything you've said before! A few things, one, the way I red that email was "I want to be able for nothing to change between us, but I dont want to have to be exclusive with you." First of, I feel really sorry for you if you think that there is no difference between the love your parents feel for each other, and the love your parents feel towards their friends. THere should be. If there isnt, then, its sad. I understand that you and I are on totaly different levels right now. I guess its my fault for being a hopeless romantic, but thats what I am, and sitting here telling you this isnt going to change anything.
Second, thing I got from it is that you dont understand me. you didnt understand at all. Leaving isnt going to hurt me, its not going to make me deny who I am. Its going to keep you from hurting me again. Like I said, I'm like a puppy, you can beat me all you want, but the second you show me affection I'll come back. After we broke up I told you, that it was over forever, once I walked out that door, you and I would never be together. Thats becuase what I saw in your leaving was that you werent comfortable with having your beleif system knocked off center. I might be wrong, but you havent said/done anything to show me any different. I realize not everyone is able to deal with change really well. Not everyone can turn their life upside down and inside out with the ease that I can. I mean how many kids force thier parents to divorce? How many kids just disregard their entire family to do what they feel is right? Apparently after looking around the world I am the only one. I'm sorry about the missunderstanding. Leaving is accualy a rather good way of dealing with problems. I cant see us comming to a resolution. Becuase on one hand I dont want to leave you, on the other hand, I feel like you're using me. All i got from your emial was that you just want me around to give your affection to, and that will return your affection btu you dont want ot feel like this is anything seriouse. That doesnt work. Moving on is something we all. But what it means is that when you move on, you stop feeling strongly for the other person. (once again something you dont understand.)
I told you that I love you. So telling me that you beleive I love you is more or less pointless. Thank you Captain Obviouse. Telling me you're nothing special is a slap in the face. Dont tell me who to love. The fact that I love you should have been enough to tell you that you're something specail, but apparently it isnt. And to the fact that maybe we arent ment to be together; How would you know? If you just back of and get freaked out, you are never going to find out if we are or not. This of course is a pointless thing to say since the damage has already been done, and you showed that you are willing to give up when things get a little confusing, but hey. I need to talk to you face to face, and explain how I see the world, but I'm afraid that I'll either say something that I will later regret. Or that I'll just break.
I dont want you to leave until I understand where this is going. THat right there is my selfish bit of cruelty. You arent alowed to leave until I know what the F* is going on.

So now I'm sitting here getting really angry, and I'm about ready to just say 'screw it,' and be done with her. I'm getting sick of all this drama -- all I want is to be friends, and I'm thinking more and more that it's not worth it. It seems she casually insults me at every turn, and just when I think we might be getting somewhere, she pulls some shit like this. What the hell? Where did all this venom even COME from? Did I say something somewhere that would have brought this, and I just missed it? Yes, I want her to accept my affection, and yes it'd be nice if she returned that affection -- that's what I'd want from any of my friends! She asked me what I wanted, and so I told her -- and now she's holding that against me like some sort of crime. I know we don't have a chance of getting back together -- I'm the one who broke up with her! She doesn't know all the reasons why it won't work out with us, and she acts as though I'm the one who won't fucking let things be. Just not a dozen hours earlier she said she'd fight for me if that's what it came to, and now she's yelling at me that I killed our chances of getting together again! You know what, I almost couldn't care! I don't nee to get back together with her to be happy. I HAVE other ladies who I'm interested in. I'm here TRYING to make the drop easier on HER. And for all her talk about how running away is a good solution to one's problems, she's getting on MY case about 'freaking out.' Fuck that, I don't need this shit. A couple of you wanted to ecuse her for her age -- she's young, still a teenager. Well, to that I answer thus -- Claire and I got together, had a relationship, and broke up before she was as old as Anastasiya is now. Rachel IS as old as Anastasiya. I imagine each of those ladies would have a bit more sophistication than this -- at the very least they'd fucking be consistant. Yeah, she has alot of growing up to do, but one might want to argue that she should have been expected to have been grown up by now. She totes the fact that she's been an 'adult' since she was 14. She wasn't adult then, she was a child who was put in an adult possition. The two are not the same.

Screw this, I'm getting angry, and I'm going to say something I don't mean.

Comments

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm thinking now that maybe that's a good idea... This whole thing has been a learning experience. She just emailed me and apologized for saying the things she did in the way she did, but... Anyways, the Christmas break is definitely going to give us time without one another, and things will be rather different next semester, so... It'll be alright.