![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksHe said:
Anastasiya, I can’t say this right without you being here to hold and reassure, but I’ll try anyways. I love you, as much as I love Claire, or Rachel, or anyone. I love you in the only way I understand love; that is to say, I want to make you happy. I want to be useful to you. I want you to be better for having known me. Don’t be afraid for me, Dear; I won’t get hurt. I’m afraid you will. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you, and you won’t believe all the things I’ve said. I’m afraid you won’t believe that you’re beautiful and fun and full of life, and that you deserve everything that could make you happy. I’m afraid that, in the end, you’ll be hurt and I’ll just be one more stupid guy. I... Really don’t know. I don’t know anything. I know I like you a lot, and hear you me when I say I would not trade the time we’ve spent, nor the time *we are going to spend*, for anything. I want very much to see you another time, and to kiss you, and sleep next to you, and to have the wonderfully amazing talks we’ve had. I don’t want that to end. I feel selfish because the fact of the matter is that I’m lonely, and I like being with you because when I am, I don’t feel lonely anymore. Because you’ve returned my affection, I feel confident; attractive in a way that’s not just physical. I feel like me again, after so many months of feeling ever-so-slightly hollow. I don’t want you to feel like that. But I’m afraid that, very likely, we won’t fit together, and it will end, and I will cry for having hurt you. And I feel so selfish, sometimes, for being with you when I’m rather certain that it’s only temporary. But, temporary though it may be, I’m happy when I’m with you... I was talking with Rachel the night before we had coffee and talked on the bridge, and she asked if I could, for a moment, forget about marriage and just be happy for a while. And I said, without hesitation, yes. But I was very much afraid of what might happen to you. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a fool. I’m not saying it WON’T work, and I’m not saying I don’t want it to ... and I’m definitely not saying I don’t want to be with you, because I do. I’m just... trying to be honest, and making a clumsy blunder out of the whole thing. As I was trying to say earlier, I like who you are, everything, Jewish, Russian, and crazy. I like who I am when I’m with you, and I don’t regret for a moment meeting you, knowing you, or being with you. That’s all I know right now, and that’s all I can offer.
She said:
*nuzzle* I know. everything you said, i know. Funny thing is right before my comp dinged to tell me you sent this, I knew you were about to send something. You made me write poetry today. How weird is that? I havent done it in a while...not the way this poem came. You make me happy. And its weird how we both want to say the same thing to each other, but you're the only one with the courage to do it.
Anastasiya, I can’t say this right without you being here to hold and reassure, but I’ll try anyways. I love you, as much as I love Claire, or Rachel, or anyone. I love you in the only way I understand love; that is to say, I want to make you happy. I want to be useful to you. I want you to be better for having known me. Don’t be afraid for me, Dear; I won’t get hurt. I’m afraid you will. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you, and you won’t believe all the things I’ve said. I’m afraid you won’t believe that you’re beautiful and fun and full of life, and that you deserve everything that could make you happy. I’m afraid that, in the end, you’ll be hurt and I’ll just be one more stupid guy. I... Really don’t know. I don’t know anything. I know I like you a lot, and hear you me when I say I would not trade the time we’ve spent, nor the time *we are going to spend*, for anything. I want very much to see you another time, and to kiss you, and sleep next to you, and to have the wonderfully amazing talks we’ve had. I don’t want that to end. I feel selfish because the fact of the matter is that I’m lonely, and I like being with you because when I am, I don’t feel lonely anymore. Because you’ve returned my affection, I feel confident; attractive in a way that’s not just physical. I feel like me again, after so many months of feeling ever-so-slightly hollow. I don’t want you to feel like that. But I’m afraid that, very likely, we won’t fit together, and it will end, and I will cry for having hurt you. And I feel so selfish, sometimes, for being with you when I’m rather certain that it’s only temporary. But, temporary though it may be, I’m happy when I’m with you... I was talking with Rachel the night before we had coffee and talked on the bridge, and she asked if I could, for a moment, forget about marriage and just be happy for a while. And I said, without hesitation, yes. But I was very much afraid of what might happen to you. I don’t know. Maybe I’m a fool. I’m not saying it WON’T work, and I’m not saying I don’t want it to ... and I’m definitely not saying I don’t want to be with you, because I do. I’m just... trying to be honest, and making a clumsy blunder out of the whole thing. As I was trying to say earlier, I like who you are, everything, Jewish, Russian, and crazy. I like who I am when I’m with you, and I don’t regret for a moment meeting you, knowing you, or being with you. That’s all I know right now, and that’s all I can offer.
She said:
*nuzzle* I know. everything you said, i know. Funny thing is right before my comp dinged to tell me you sent this, I knew you were about to send something. You made me write poetry today. How weird is that? I havent done it in a while...not the way this poem came. You make me happy. And its weird how we both want to say the same thing to each other, but you're the only one with the courage to do it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-04 06:18 am (UTC)And, yeah, as I told Anastasiya that night, the whole family knew, I'm sure of it. I mean, really, our family's not stupid. Josh was so blunt as to make a comment about how "all the girls [I] like" do such and stuff or something.
I'm kinda glad I have a someone again, too, though I do get very scared about it sometimes. -shrugs- We'll see how it goes. But aside from that -- I'm nothing special, so don't get yourself down for the fact. I'm just as arrogant, superficial, stubborn, selfish, and everything else as anyone out there. I just try to do the right thing, is all. You're not such a bad guy, yourself, and you (or I) don't need a girl on your arm to prove it.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-04 01:30 pm (UTC)Doesn't mean I don't want one. ^_^
Seriously though, I don't think I'm ever as miserable as these "I feel like Smurf" posts make me sound. This kind of stuff comes in little bursts every now and then. Like I've said before, I've got some manic-depressive tendencies. One minute it's "Ek em mjök glaðr," and the next it's "Ek em mjök smurfr." It's just the way I deal with life's problems I guess.