Nightly Update
Jan. 29th, 2002 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksThere's alot I want to say, and I would like to say it eloquently, but my head is full of stuff. Like cotton, not actual thoughts. And so, I think I'll just try to stumble my way throiugh this - after all, I do this Journal to let others know what's going on, and to hear their comments on my life. If I simply wanted to think or remember, I'd simply write this down in a private place (and if you argue that this is the Computer Geek equivalent, I'd throw Notepad in your face. Touché). So I WANT people reading this to have some idea of what's going on in my life and to have a window into my head.
If you're reading this post, you might as well read the other posts for this day (there are three or four more, which just goes to show what kind of obsessive-compulsive LJ adict I am). That being the case, I won't go into exactly how much today sucked. Suffice it to say it did, and if you're interested in details, read the aformentioned posts, and/or ask me.
This evening was redeeming. Firstly I got to talk with Olivia, which if nothing else helped me sort through exactly what it was that was bothering me. I also talked with Claire, which did improve my mood. Dinner was half-hearted and unfulfilling, even less so than is usual. It's all part of what contributed to how bad today was.
After dinner was Vitae - for those uninitiated many who don't know what that is, that's our weekly prayer-group thing. It's good in that it's a place where I can mostly feel like myself here in the dorm. it's nice, not perfect, but nice. Anyways, I have been able to get all the other members of Vitae to call me "Steve" and tonight I had the fruits of my efforts realized. Jeff, the peer-leader seminarian-dude guy, refered to me as "Andrew" and Dan was like "Oh, for a second there I didn't know who you were talking about. I was like 'Skip who?'"
Heeeee, Dan didn't recognize Andrew as my name he was so accustomed to calling me Steve. After all, what's in a name?
Afterwards I got to talk to Claire again, and that's really what's redeemed this night. I still feel rather "blah", and the day has sucked, but... Well, maybe you'll see.
I told you earlier that I'd sorted out what was bugging me. It was actually a combination of talking with Oli and a letter I'd written to Mel earlier - talking with Oli simply reminded me of what I'd known all along. I think it was a matter of two different things.
The first was that I've been smoldering at Shawn.Unbeknownst to him (but knownst to us) Shawn this weekend made a grave error, oddly enough the same error that Nancy made way back when. After Claire had left on Sunday, he said some really nice things about my dear friend. However, in saying those things, he also implied, and sometimes more than implied, bad things about Emily. This was his error, for regardless of what Emily thinks of me, I still care for her as deeply as ever, and I still consider her a friend. Of all the things you can do to irritate me, number one among them is insulting a good friend of mine, and a close second is insulting a girl I like. And so, in my silence, I've been fuming at Shawn. Any points he earned for stating the truth about Claire were lost in the implied insults towards Emily.
This follows somewhat into the second point. You see, I'd inteneded to tell Claire something, which had a deep meaning for me. Sadly, I didn't take the chance while she was here with me. But I did this evening, for my own piece of mind, as well as to tell her what I'd intended to anyways. The fact of the matter is, I've never really gotten over anyone, save maybe one or two girls, and then mostly because they simply are not a part of my life anymore, and haven't been for sometime. What it comes down to is that, regardless of what happens between me and Claire, I dare say that I will always care about these other girls just the same as I always have. By the same token, I'll still care for Claire regardless of what happens between me and any of them, but it still seems a rather rotten thing - I can't explain it other than that, that it feels rotten.
Claire, the dear, was wonderful, as always. She assure me that she hadn't forgotten my feelings for Emily, even through this weekend and everything, she still understood that I felt for Emily as well, and in more than a little way that meant alot to me, more I think than she could know. She also noted that it wasn't my fault that I liked who I liked, and that it was her fault as much as mine that we're in the situation we're in.
And, really, that's that. And one simple discussion with Claire is all it took to at least stabilize my state of mind. As she said, I have to stop not talking to her about things. I'm just so deathly afraid, because the last thing I want to do is hurt her. I would point out that she, too, has to stop not-talking to me, too, but she has a very valid point.
How many People wanna kick some Ass?
I do, I do.
And how many people Sick of holding it back?
I am-
Well I am too, so don't lay another finger on her, she's mine and I still want her. if you put your hands upon her you're a goner, goner. And how many people sick of holding it back? I am, I am. How many people wanna kick some Ass? I would if I could, but I'm really just a sensitive artist, perpatrated like I am the hardest. Acting like I'm not the smarted, I'm really just a sensitive artist.
If you're reading this post, you might as well read the other posts for this day (there are three or four more, which just goes to show what kind of obsessive-compulsive LJ adict I am). That being the case, I won't go into exactly how much today sucked. Suffice it to say it did, and if you're interested in details, read the aformentioned posts, and/or ask me.
This evening was redeeming. Firstly I got to talk with Olivia, which if nothing else helped me sort through exactly what it was that was bothering me. I also talked with Claire, which did improve my mood. Dinner was half-hearted and unfulfilling, even less so than is usual. It's all part of what contributed to how bad today was.
After dinner was Vitae - for those uninitiated many who don't know what that is, that's our weekly prayer-group thing. It's good in that it's a place where I can mostly feel like myself here in the dorm. it's nice, not perfect, but nice. Anyways, I have been able to get all the other members of Vitae to call me "Steve" and tonight I had the fruits of my efforts realized. Jeff, the peer-leader seminarian-dude guy, refered to me as "Andrew" and Dan was like "Oh, for a second there I didn't know who you were talking about. I was like 'Skip who?'"
Heeeee, Dan didn't recognize Andrew as my name he was so accustomed to calling me Steve. After all, what's in a name?
Afterwards I got to talk to Claire again, and that's really what's redeemed this night. I still feel rather "blah", and the day has sucked, but... Well, maybe you'll see.
I told you earlier that I'd sorted out what was bugging me. It was actually a combination of talking with Oli and a letter I'd written to Mel earlier - talking with Oli simply reminded me of what I'd known all along. I think it was a matter of two different things.
The first was that I've been smoldering at Shawn.Unbeknownst to him (but knownst to us) Shawn this weekend made a grave error, oddly enough the same error that Nancy made way back when. After Claire had left on Sunday, he said some really nice things about my dear friend. However, in saying those things, he also implied, and sometimes more than implied, bad things about Emily. This was his error, for regardless of what Emily thinks of me, I still care for her as deeply as ever, and I still consider her a friend. Of all the things you can do to irritate me, number one among them is insulting a good friend of mine, and a close second is insulting a girl I like. And so, in my silence, I've been fuming at Shawn. Any points he earned for stating the truth about Claire were lost in the implied insults towards Emily.
This follows somewhat into the second point. You see, I'd inteneded to tell Claire something, which had a deep meaning for me. Sadly, I didn't take the chance while she was here with me. But I did this evening, for my own piece of mind, as well as to tell her what I'd intended to anyways. The fact of the matter is, I've never really gotten over anyone, save maybe one or two girls, and then mostly because they simply are not a part of my life anymore, and haven't been for sometime. What it comes down to is that, regardless of what happens between me and Claire, I dare say that I will always care about these other girls just the same as I always have. By the same token, I'll still care for Claire regardless of what happens between me and any of them, but it still seems a rather rotten thing - I can't explain it other than that, that it feels rotten.
Claire, the dear, was wonderful, as always. She assure me that she hadn't forgotten my feelings for Emily, even through this weekend and everything, she still understood that I felt for Emily as well, and in more than a little way that meant alot to me, more I think than she could know. She also noted that it wasn't my fault that I liked who I liked, and that it was her fault as much as mine that we're in the situation we're in.
And, really, that's that. And one simple discussion with Claire is all it took to at least stabilize my state of mind. As she said, I have to stop not talking to her about things. I'm just so deathly afraid, because the last thing I want to do is hurt her. I would point out that she, too, has to stop not-talking to me, too, but she has a very valid point.
How many People wanna kick some Ass?
I do, I do.
And how many people Sick of holding it back?
I am-
Well I am too, so don't lay another finger on her, she's mine and I still want her. if you put your hands upon her you're a goner, goner. And how many people sick of holding it back? I am, I am. How many people wanna kick some Ass? I would if I could, but I'm really just a sensitive artist, perpatrated like I am the hardest. Acting like I'm not the smarted, I'm really just a sensitive artist.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
how weary the new day will be...
I still cringe when people talk about my first girlfriend, but there are a lot of lies and deception there as well and I realize that even if knowing her and being with her has somehow made me a better person or made my life something more, she didn't work to keep my respect. It's probably better nobody knew her, because I'm sure my current friends would not be pleased and I wouldn't want to be upset with them for bad-mouthing someone I used to love.
There really isn't a point. But when people put down people that I know - Senta, my best friend, is really bad about doing this - I get really upset. I get mad because it's just like they were insulting me. They are, of course, insulting me too. I mean.. I had feelings for these other people, I invested myself in them, they are my choices... and nobody likes to have their choices, however bad, pointed out and shot to the ground.
I'm also in the habit of not telling people things. It probably doesn't seem that way, I'm sure, but usually I'm too afraid of what they'll think. For years I was painfully honest and it ruined a lot of relationships, platonic and not, in my life. Now I wait a long time before telling even half of the whole story - and at that, it's absent of a lot of details that should probably be included.
Boy, you can tell how tired I am by how long a comment I end up writing, ne? Sorry I clutter your journal so much, Andrew!
The Truth About People Is We're All Human
Date: 2002-01-29 07:34 am (UTC)Even in this medium, I'm not as honest as I'd like to be. I mean, I think it's safe to say that there are quite a number of things that are left unsaid, even about people who, really, I don't think I'd care if I offended them (were they to be reading this, that is). I think it's something along the lines of I'm not a viscious person, and I don't want to sound cruel. But even among friends, I feel there are things that could be said, that aren't, because I'm afraid of ruining the relationships I do have, you know? An interesting quote I once found on the subject went "Is it better to be hated for who you are, or loved for who you're not?" Is it better to truely be yourself and suffer for it, or live in a contented lie?
^_^ And don't worry Mel - I love long comments. Long comments, long posts, long e-mail, long (14-pages, front and pack, plus 2 inserts) snail mail - it's all wonderful stuff. You can post here horendously sleep deprived any time you want. ^^
Long? Who said long?!
Date: 2002-01-29 03:37 pm (UTC)Who in God's name would write a 14 page letter (front and back) with 2 inserts? That's crazy!
::grins::
Obviously Not You
It was this girl who I've known for a number of years - really nice, and pretty cute, but I'd never consider going out with her. ^_-
She's got this weird idea that she's a burden on others when she starts talking about her problems, and finds it amazing I can 'put up' with her - I just find it amazing that she would deign to talk to me, y'know?