(no subject)
Jul. 2nd, 2003 08:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksThere's... so much I want to say right now. So much to tell. The connection I've had between 'Forgiven' and Leslie. The way I miss my friends -- all so close, and all so very much away. Where I stand, right now, in the situation I'm in. That last is the most difficult. Partly because I'm not sure WHERE I stand, or where I want to stand, or even where I should be standing... -smirks- But then, perhapse it's best if I don't get into that. I've been doing so well, and I'm afraid of dredging up loneliness again...
The trouble is, as much as I don't want t'talk about it, I obviously do. Elsewise I wouldn't constantly be bringing it up so damn much. Right now, a part of it is just to shed a little light on things for me new Friends (Patrick, Ashlee, Felicia, and Dawn), but I think an even bigger part of it is just for me to try and UNDERSTAND it all.
As to why I'm rambling on about wanting to do it and not simply DOING it... I think part of it is the fear that I already talk about it too much (though at the same time I don't think I talk about it enough... I don't think anyone understands...), but at the same time I'm afraid that I'll do a very poor job indeed trying to express myself. If there's a million things I'm afraid of (and there are), being misunderstood is high on the list. I amuse myself by believing that I don't care what people think of me, so long as they understand me. -smiles- But then, that easily becomes a Catch-22: if they don't like me, they must not understand me, and so I am compelled to explain myself better. You see?
Now, of course, it would be rude to the aforementioned Friends to tease them like this: to tell them there's this thing about me which I'd like to explain, and then proceed only to tell them why I can't. So, I suppose, in the simplest terms possible... But see, it will be misunderstood. I'll say something half-way and it'll be taken wrong, and if I attempt to cover all the bases, it won't make any sense...
I'll try...
But wow, where to begin? I've stalled so much already that this is a huge post as it is, and the odds of anyone reading this far... Simple, we'll start by trying to keep it simple.
There's this girl, Claire; a sweet girl, a great friend, and my first love. Almost a year ago now, we broke up, not because we didn't care for each other, or that we couldn't deal, but... we hit an obstacle... I still imagine we're close, and consider her one of my best friends... -struggles to form thoughts- There's... a part of me that... wants to get back together with her. I love who she is, and who she makes me want to be, and all those hideously cliche things that 'everyone' says, and that don't really get at the true meaning I'm trying to convey, but they're the closest I can get... She's found someone new... and it hurts... and half of me wants him to stay, just so she'll be happy... but another half wants him to go away, wants to imagine that he'll just vanish, because.... I'm sure we all know why 'because'... And there's still that obstacle, and I still don't know how to work around it... but I want to try, I think... Or something... I'm not making sense, and I fear I very much sound the fool... And, a part of me does just want to accept in, accept that we're not together, but that we're friends, and I'm trying so hard, but everything that helps me really just makes me feel that much more strongly for Claire... I guess, perhapse, it might be simplest to say that a part of me just wants to be happy, while another part wants to be happy with Claire.
Yeah, I think I succeeded in failing. I'm just rather missing Claire right now, as a friend... I haven't seen or talked to her in a while, and I just wish I could. Tangentially, and as I've mentioned before, I don't think I've had enough contact with most of my friends lately... I'd dare say I've had more interaction with Dawn than, say, Leslie. And it's not all my fault, and it's not all her fault, it's just this damn Summer thing, and work, and living in different states, and I just get so TIRED of not SEEING people, or even of not having meaningful conversations... Leslie and I did have one of those not long ago, and it was good; but the fact is that there's more to a conversation beyond just "Hi, how are you?" A conversation really gets inside -- inside them as well as inside yourself, and you learn more deeply who they are...
Sorry about the mini-rant there. ^_^;; On a positive note, Alyce is planning a get t'gether at the end of the month, and so I'll at least get t'see her and Joe, two people I rather admire. So that'll be good. And it'll mean really seeing someone for a change.
Y'know, if an infant child, just after they're born, is not handled, he will develop bruises on his skin, from the lack of real contact. In a way, I think adults do the same thing.
Heh heh, little disclaimer for my new friends: I'm not always like this, really. I'm not even really like this right now, just rather opening the floodgates t'day and letting stuff out, or something. Take a look at some of my other posts, if you don't believe me.
Have I mentioned I like links?
Shameless Plug
The trouble is, as much as I don't want t'talk about it, I obviously do. Elsewise I wouldn't constantly be bringing it up so damn much. Right now, a part of it is just to shed a little light on things for me new Friends (Patrick, Ashlee, Felicia, and Dawn), but I think an even bigger part of it is just for me to try and UNDERSTAND it all.
As to why I'm rambling on about wanting to do it and not simply DOING it... I think part of it is the fear that I already talk about it too much (though at the same time I don't think I talk about it enough... I don't think anyone understands...), but at the same time I'm afraid that I'll do a very poor job indeed trying to express myself. If there's a million things I'm afraid of (and there are), being misunderstood is high on the list. I amuse myself by believing that I don't care what people think of me, so long as they understand me. -smiles- But then, that easily becomes a Catch-22: if they don't like me, they must not understand me, and so I am compelled to explain myself better. You see?
Now, of course, it would be rude to the aforementioned Friends to tease them like this: to tell them there's this thing about me which I'd like to explain, and then proceed only to tell them why I can't. So, I suppose, in the simplest terms possible... But see, it will be misunderstood. I'll say something half-way and it'll be taken wrong, and if I attempt to cover all the bases, it won't make any sense...
I'll try...
But wow, where to begin? I've stalled so much already that this is a huge post as it is, and the odds of anyone reading this far... Simple, we'll start by trying to keep it simple.
There's this girl, Claire; a sweet girl, a great friend, and my first love. Almost a year ago now, we broke up, not because we didn't care for each other, or that we couldn't deal, but... we hit an obstacle... I still imagine we're close, and consider her one of my best friends... -struggles to form thoughts- There's... a part of me that... wants to get back together with her. I love who she is, and who she makes me want to be, and all those hideously cliche things that 'everyone' says, and that don't really get at the true meaning I'm trying to convey, but they're the closest I can get... She's found someone new... and it hurts... and half of me wants him to stay, just so she'll be happy... but another half wants him to go away, wants to imagine that he'll just vanish, because.... I'm sure we all know why 'because'... And there's still that obstacle, and I still don't know how to work around it... but I want to try, I think... Or something... I'm not making sense, and I fear I very much sound the fool... And, a part of me does just want to accept in, accept that we're not together, but that we're friends, and I'm trying so hard, but everything that helps me really just makes me feel that much more strongly for Claire... I guess, perhapse, it might be simplest to say that a part of me just wants to be happy, while another part wants to be happy with Claire.
Yeah, I think I succeeded in failing. I'm just rather missing Claire right now, as a friend... I haven't seen or talked to her in a while, and I just wish I could. Tangentially, and as I've mentioned before, I don't think I've had enough contact with most of my friends lately... I'd dare say I've had more interaction with Dawn than, say, Leslie. And it's not all my fault, and it's not all her fault, it's just this damn Summer thing, and work, and living in different states, and I just get so TIRED of not SEEING people, or even of not having meaningful conversations... Leslie and I did have one of those not long ago, and it was good; but the fact is that there's more to a conversation beyond just "Hi, how are you?" A conversation really gets inside -- inside them as well as inside yourself, and you learn more deeply who they are...
Sorry about the mini-rant there. ^_^;; On a positive note, Alyce is planning a get t'gether at the end of the month, and so I'll at least get t'see her and Joe, two people I rather admire. So that'll be good. And it'll mean really seeing someone for a change.
Y'know, if an infant child, just after they're born, is not handled, he will develop bruises on his skin, from the lack of real contact. In a way, I think adults do the same thing.
Heh heh, little disclaimer for my new friends: I'm not always like this, really. I'm not even really like this right now, just rather opening the floodgates t'day and letting stuff out, or something. Take a look at some of my other posts, if you don't believe me.
Have I mentioned I like links?
Shameless Plug
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no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 06:40 am (UTC)You have no idea how real this statement is to me at this point in time. I don't know about you, but I find release of sorts once it's out.
Don't be afraid to talk too much about something. The pressure it releases is paramount. I remember one of my first posts (http://www.livejournal.com/~orin/2001/05/15/) (see last paragraph particularly) rambled about such things.
Your situation is not a pleasant one to be in. It's one I can identify with several events in my life. Alas, no words of wisdom find me at this time, but I wish you courage Andrew. May we both find peace.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 07:22 am (UTC)I know exactly what you mean, about the release and the strain and everything... But I think I would disagree with you here. I think, regardless, being open, and honest, and straightforward about who you are and how you feel, by definition, will improve the situation. Though, perhapse there are times when we can't see the improvement.
The thing about fear that I try to piont out to my friends (Leslie, Rachel, Claire, any of them) is that it's not concrete. That is, for example, I know that talking will make me feel better, but I'm still afraid of it. Fear by it's definition is irrational (well, mostly irrational -- you could argue the sense in a fear of heights, but that's not the point).
And as for the situation... Yeah, I'm pretty sure that in the end I'll be OK. i'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that everything will, in the long run, turn out OK in the end. (I sometime think this stems from my tendancy to abstract things.) But what scares me is the here-and-now, and... though I 'know' the possibility of losing her entirely from my life is very slight indeed, the sheer monumental fear of that possibility... -shrugs- I'm sure you understand.
I'll be OK in the end. It's the mean-time that gets to me.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 07:28 am (UTC)Additionally, I'm a bit afraid to even say this, for fear she may get upset at me for not having a bit more faith in her.
-laughs- But you'll note I've said it anyways. I fear very, very many things, but I really do try not t'let it get to me... "courage is the art of being the only one who knows how scared you are."
Re:
Date: 2003-07-02 07:33 am (UTC)Yes, it improves things... but... what I mean is it doesn't quite take away the pain. Little but time can do that.
But there are those times when saying something is going to make things get worse, whether for a while or forever. And it is a fear of that change which affects me most. Sometimes you know things will just never be the same again, and you desperately don't want them to change. But you know that, inevitably, they must.
I'm sure you understand.
Very much so.
It's the mean-time that gets to me.
Word.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 08:19 am (UTC)And it is a fear of that change which affects me most.
For a guy who has spent most of his life moving, and making new friends, and leaving old one (or maybe because of this lifestyle) I'm very afraid of change. Not to the point of paralysis, and not to say I'm not spontaneous or adventurous (because I am), but change scares me.
-shrugs- In the end, I deal.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 08:19 am (UTC)When you first started this journal, you spoke about forgetting that we are here. I think you should try that again. This is YOUR journal, a place for you to gather your thoughts. Your job here is not to entertain us.
I am trying to tell a story that the telling of is hard for me. It is not because I'm worried about what my readers will think, it is because I don't understand what happened, or why, or what it means, and I don't know the ending yet. But, I keep plugging away at it in the hopes that when i get there, writing about it, stumbling, mumbling, lack of clarity and all, will still help me figure it out.
It is great to have a journal that talks back to you, points things out you missed, helps to connect the dots.
So, just talk, don't worry about us, just spit it out, and keep spittin' til you understand. Easy to say, harder to do.
Good luck.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 08:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 03:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-05 10:13 am (UTC)Other than, of course, the fact that it's my favorite Alanis song, for reasons close to my heart.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-06 02:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-06 07:36 pm (UTC)