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Jul. 2nd, 2003 08:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksThere's... so much I want to say right now. So much to tell. The connection I've had between 'Forgiven' and Leslie. The way I miss my friends -- all so close, and all so very much away. Where I stand, right now, in the situation I'm in. That last is the most difficult. Partly because I'm not sure WHERE I stand, or where I want to stand, or even where I should be standing... -smirks- But then, perhapse it's best if I don't get into that. I've been doing so well, and I'm afraid of dredging up loneliness again...
The trouble is, as much as I don't want t'talk about it, I obviously do. Elsewise I wouldn't constantly be bringing it up so damn much. Right now, a part of it is just to shed a little light on things for me new Friends (Patrick, Ashlee, Felicia, and Dawn), but I think an even bigger part of it is just for me to try and UNDERSTAND it all.
As to why I'm rambling on about wanting to do it and not simply DOING it... I think part of it is the fear that I already talk about it too much (though at the same time I don't think I talk about it enough... I don't think anyone understands...), but at the same time I'm afraid that I'll do a very poor job indeed trying to express myself. If there's a million things I'm afraid of (and there are), being misunderstood is high on the list. I amuse myself by believing that I don't care what people think of me, so long as they understand me. -smiles- But then, that easily becomes a Catch-22: if they don't like me, they must not understand me, and so I am compelled to explain myself better. You see?
Now, of course, it would be rude to the aforementioned Friends to tease them like this: to tell them there's this thing about me which I'd like to explain, and then proceed only to tell them why I can't. So, I suppose, in the simplest terms possible... But see, it will be misunderstood. I'll say something half-way and it'll be taken wrong, and if I attempt to cover all the bases, it won't make any sense...
I'll try...
But wow, where to begin? I've stalled so much already that this is a huge post as it is, and the odds of anyone reading this far... Simple, we'll start by trying to keep it simple.
There's this girl, Claire; a sweet girl, a great friend, and my first love. Almost a year ago now, we broke up, not because we didn't care for each other, or that we couldn't deal, but... we hit an obstacle... I still imagine we're close, and consider her one of my best friends... -struggles to form thoughts- There's... a part of me that... wants to get back together with her. I love who she is, and who she makes me want to be, and all those hideously cliche things that 'everyone' says, and that don't really get at the true meaning I'm trying to convey, but they're the closest I can get... She's found someone new... and it hurts... and half of me wants him to stay, just so she'll be happy... but another half wants him to go away, wants to imagine that he'll just vanish, because.... I'm sure we all know why 'because'... And there's still that obstacle, and I still don't know how to work around it... but I want to try, I think... Or something... I'm not making sense, and I fear I very much sound the fool... And, a part of me does just want to accept in, accept that we're not together, but that we're friends, and I'm trying so hard, but everything that helps me really just makes me feel that much more strongly for Claire... I guess, perhapse, it might be simplest to say that a part of me just wants to be happy, while another part wants to be happy with Claire.
Yeah, I think I succeeded in failing. I'm just rather missing Claire right now, as a friend... I haven't seen or talked to her in a while, and I just wish I could. Tangentially, and as I've mentioned before, I don't think I've had enough contact with most of my friends lately... I'd dare say I've had more interaction with Dawn than, say, Leslie. And it's not all my fault, and it's not all her fault, it's just this damn Summer thing, and work, and living in different states, and I just get so TIRED of not SEEING people, or even of not having meaningful conversations... Leslie and I did have one of those not long ago, and it was good; but the fact is that there's more to a conversation beyond just "Hi, how are you?" A conversation really gets inside -- inside them as well as inside yourself, and you learn more deeply who they are...
Sorry about the mini-rant there. ^_^;; On a positive note, Alyce is planning a get t'gether at the end of the month, and so I'll at least get t'see her and Joe, two people I rather admire. So that'll be good. And it'll mean really seeing someone for a change.
Y'know, if an infant child, just after they're born, is not handled, he will develop bruises on his skin, from the lack of real contact. In a way, I think adults do the same thing.
Heh heh, little disclaimer for my new friends: I'm not always like this, really. I'm not even really like this right now, just rather opening the floodgates t'day and letting stuff out, or something. Take a look at some of my other posts, if you don't believe me.
Have I mentioned I like links?
Shameless Plug
The trouble is, as much as I don't want t'talk about it, I obviously do. Elsewise I wouldn't constantly be bringing it up so damn much. Right now, a part of it is just to shed a little light on things for me new Friends (Patrick, Ashlee, Felicia, and Dawn), but I think an even bigger part of it is just for me to try and UNDERSTAND it all.
As to why I'm rambling on about wanting to do it and not simply DOING it... I think part of it is the fear that I already talk about it too much (though at the same time I don't think I talk about it enough... I don't think anyone understands...), but at the same time I'm afraid that I'll do a very poor job indeed trying to express myself. If there's a million things I'm afraid of (and there are), being misunderstood is high on the list. I amuse myself by believing that I don't care what people think of me, so long as they understand me. -smiles- But then, that easily becomes a Catch-22: if they don't like me, they must not understand me, and so I am compelled to explain myself better. You see?
Now, of course, it would be rude to the aforementioned Friends to tease them like this: to tell them there's this thing about me which I'd like to explain, and then proceed only to tell them why I can't. So, I suppose, in the simplest terms possible... But see, it will be misunderstood. I'll say something half-way and it'll be taken wrong, and if I attempt to cover all the bases, it won't make any sense...
I'll try...
But wow, where to begin? I've stalled so much already that this is a huge post as it is, and the odds of anyone reading this far... Simple, we'll start by trying to keep it simple.
There's this girl, Claire; a sweet girl, a great friend, and my first love. Almost a year ago now, we broke up, not because we didn't care for each other, or that we couldn't deal, but... we hit an obstacle... I still imagine we're close, and consider her one of my best friends... -struggles to form thoughts- There's... a part of me that... wants to get back together with her. I love who she is, and who she makes me want to be, and all those hideously cliche things that 'everyone' says, and that don't really get at the true meaning I'm trying to convey, but they're the closest I can get... She's found someone new... and it hurts... and half of me wants him to stay, just so she'll be happy... but another half wants him to go away, wants to imagine that he'll just vanish, because.... I'm sure we all know why 'because'... And there's still that obstacle, and I still don't know how to work around it... but I want to try, I think... Or something... I'm not making sense, and I fear I very much sound the fool... And, a part of me does just want to accept in, accept that we're not together, but that we're friends, and I'm trying so hard, but everything that helps me really just makes me feel that much more strongly for Claire... I guess, perhapse, it might be simplest to say that a part of me just wants to be happy, while another part wants to be happy with Claire.
Yeah, I think I succeeded in failing. I'm just rather missing Claire right now, as a friend... I haven't seen or talked to her in a while, and I just wish I could. Tangentially, and as I've mentioned before, I don't think I've had enough contact with most of my friends lately... I'd dare say I've had more interaction with Dawn than, say, Leslie. And it's not all my fault, and it's not all her fault, it's just this damn Summer thing, and work, and living in different states, and I just get so TIRED of not SEEING people, or even of not having meaningful conversations... Leslie and I did have one of those not long ago, and it was good; but the fact is that there's more to a conversation beyond just "Hi, how are you?" A conversation really gets inside -- inside them as well as inside yourself, and you learn more deeply who they are...
Sorry about the mini-rant there. ^_^;; On a positive note, Alyce is planning a get t'gether at the end of the month, and so I'll at least get t'see her and Joe, two people I rather admire. So that'll be good. And it'll mean really seeing someone for a change.
Y'know, if an infant child, just after they're born, is not handled, he will develop bruises on his skin, from the lack of real contact. In a way, I think adults do the same thing.
Heh heh, little disclaimer for my new friends: I'm not always like this, really. I'm not even really like this right now, just rather opening the floodgates t'day and letting stuff out, or something. Take a look at some of my other posts, if you don't believe me.
Have I mentioned I like links?
Shameless Plug
