Darker Side Of Me.

Here there be angst.

There's a side of myself that I really don't like. Something like the sum total of all my flaws; something which, now and again, I see with harsh clarity, but I don't let on to anyone else. I don't like admitting my flaws; maybe if i don't acknowledge them, they won't have such a hold over me. I fear that every time I acknowledge that side of me, it gains a little bit of strength.

I like the man that most people seem to think I am. I like the man I try to be. I try to be considerate, honest, loyal, respectful. But I also get angry, and depressed. I think I can be really spiteful, and petty; internally if not externally -- I dwell on dark thoughts and nurse slights. I don't hold grudges very much, but it's in my nature to smolder, and some black marks aren't really wiped away even in time -- note my lingering distaste for Trevor. I really don't know how much he deserves the ire I hold against him.

I can place blame for my darker side here and there, on things or events that showed me things I didn't want to know, but in the end I'm still the one who trades credit for porn. I think that's arguably the most offensive mark; it flies in the face of so much that I strive for. Instead of seeing people as people, it's using them to derive vulgar and fleeting pleasure, without even a thought for even what their name might be. *disgusted*

I've been in a bad mood today, and I think this has something to do with it. There's no where I can really go with this -- I tried to make a Security Group to vent this, and couldn't show this side to most people: (1)I couldn't make myself ruin their opinion of me with this, or (2)I didn't trust them enough with this. I'm not even sure what is says that you're on this list -- two guys I hardly know but respect, two guys I trust intellectually, a girl I've known longer than most anyone aside family, and another girl who I arguably shouldn't get along with but I seem to anyways. Or something. I don't know.

this post hasn't conveyed what I wanted it to. I don't like who I am sometimes, but I can't take the fight anywhere, partly because I can't or won't show others, and partly because the more attention it gets, the stronger it grows.

Or something.

So it begins.

So, school started. I'm moved in, mostly unpacked, had my first day of classes, and I'm exhausted -- mostly because I only managed to get four hours of sleep last night.

I think our room situation is going to work out well; we've got our sitting area all set up, with TV and gaming systems and the like. My room is all set with a book shelf and my fridge, a slightly-lofted bed, and a good set up with my computer, nice and open and stuff.

I'm making an effort to contact people these days. Today I got an email back from Ms. Jean, an old friend from Gradeschool who I wish I was in better touch with. And the other day I made friends with Liz C's roomie, who I'd met in passing about a year ago. I also got a call from Christin, a highschool friend, and made an aquaintence with a freshman girl I got paired with in Biology today. It's kinda good being The Senior, I think.

I got an email from a friend in Australia who advised that I re-approach the topic of my feelings with Suzannah sooner rather than later, for fear that things may be misread -- in her letter, the possibility that Suzannah may expect that I'm only interested in friendship, and would feel 'betrayed' if she found I had an 'agenda'. I don't think this is a plausibility -- she'd have to be blind and deaf to not follow my intentions -- but I don't know. I expect I've been known to misread things before. I PLAN on broaching the topic before I graduate, and possibly before the end of the year, but I am content with where things are right now, even if I would like to see them go further.

Mostly, I'm still really happy. I don't recall being this consistently happy in quite some time; the last five or six months have been good. or something.

(Oh, and I plan on getting so writing done. I'm just having trouble with voice. I'm looking for a certain way to say things so that I convey a feel, but without imposing assumptions... I donno...)

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This Quiz Yoinked from dikaiosunh

eXpressive: 8/10
Practical: 6/10
phYsical: 4/10
Giver: 4/10

( I got this. )

( But I almost think This... )

( ...Or This fit better. )

Any thoughts?