On a Lower Note...

[jackofallgeeks]

I don't want to have to beg for affection. I don't want my every motion to be questioned. I don't want people to wonder what I mean when I give a friend a hug, or tell a girl she's pretty. Even when it does mean something, why does it have to mean something?

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to expect that those I consider friends aren't going to provide the support I need. I don't want to think they they'll respond to my needs with a sarcastic 'oh, poor baby.' I don't want them to try and impose who they think I am over who I'm trying to show.

I don't want them to think I'm upset with them for any reason. I do feel alone. I miss my friends. And what right do I have to say that for? I hide myself well enough. For someone who's always around, I'm never here. I wish I could spend time with them. I get tired of this digital existance. The only ones who mean anything to me I see through a computer monitor. I want to see them and touch them, and really talk with them. Not just speak at eachother, but rerally DISCUSS things, and connect on that personal level that makes you feel like there's really something there.

I want to know where my own biases end and the reality of the situation begins.

As long as she's in my arms, does it matter who she is? I want it to.

Comments

'loneliness is a choice..' -scully [season 6, "milagro"]

[daisysweet.livejournal.com]

i know what you mean - aside from senta, who most of the time is at least a 5-hour drive south of my house - i don't have a single friend. of course, that's why mom and i are the way we are. that's all we've got, really, is eachother. but everyone else in my life [past and present] is completely online.

it gets to me a lot, that people aren't here. and in a way, it's easier to allow them to hate me, or to work up reasons why i'm not that great person they used to think i am. they're hours and hours away and in all reality... i might never see them. ever. it's... it's sad. because even if i want them, the harsh reality is that nothing online lasts forever.

i tried so hard,
and got so far...
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter...

whooooooo. really, i wanted to cheer you up, and tell you i've missed you, and all of that [because i have - i knew you were probably trying to catch up with the sudden rush of family]. caught me in one of those really awkward moods when i'm no use to anyone. i apologize.

::hug:: it does mean something. just not always what other people read into it.