On a Lower Note...

[jackofallgeeks]

I don't want to have to beg for affection. I don't want my every motion to be questioned. I don't want people to wonder what I mean when I give a friend a hug, or tell a girl she's pretty. Even when it does mean something, why does it have to mean something?

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to expect that those I consider friends aren't going to provide the support I need. I don't want to think they they'll respond to my needs with a sarcastic 'oh, poor baby.' I don't want them to try and impose who they think I am over who I'm trying to show.

I don't want them to think I'm upset with them for any reason. I do feel alone. I miss my friends. And what right do I have to say that for? I hide myself well enough. For someone who's always around, I'm never here. I wish I could spend time with them. I get tired of this digital existance. The only ones who mean anything to me I see through a computer monitor. I want to see them and touch them, and really talk with them. Not just speak at eachother, but rerally DISCUSS things, and connect on that personal level that makes you feel like there's really something there.

I want to know where my own biases end and the reality of the situation begins.

As long as she's in my arms, does it matter who she is? I want it to.

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

What brought this on, Andrew?

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I'm lonely. I think. The only good friend I've talked to at all in the last several days has been Elizabeth, excepting a short but decent conversation with Amanda. In either case, they've both been in the stale-blue light of this. -taps computer monitor- It gets to me, every now and again, that none of the people I feel close to are here...
Like, I don't feel connected to the people I care the most for.

[surichan.livejournal.com]

::nods:: That's tough. I can't really understand, since I've got Beth next to me all the time, but I've experienced that before, especially during breaks when I'm at home and there's no one I can really talk with.

When summer comes, are you gonna be able to see more people?

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Not sure. Maybe. Olivia's going to be in Front Royal all summer, only an hour away. Ms. Claire is going to be busy all summer, though I'm hoping to visit her at Camp sometime. Stacey's supposed t'move here during the Summer, and me and Elizabeth are talking about seeing each other sometime. And, depending on how work goes, I might get an opportunity to visit Rachel or Amanda...

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

I feel ya man, I felt like that all the time during co op. Hey you should come and visit philly! I will be here all summer, so you should come up!

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

Earlier today.... name protected....


Me: Well did you love her?
Friend: yeah
Me: They say you never get over them, and it takes a while to if you can.
Friend: I still find myself missing her, even after all these years.
Me: Yeah I have been there. For a long time I just missed her. It got a bit easier here and there, but I still found myself missing her. Then I saw her one day. Sometimes you have to take a step backwards to movie forward. I realised when I saw her that is wasn't her that I missed, she had grown, I had grown, we were different. Its what we had that I missed, and even if we got back together, we would never have what we had. Most people who get back together after a break up don't, and its very hard to get it back.
Friend: Yeah, but, damnit, like I know someone just needs to smack me in the head and say "Get over it."
Me: Its not that easy, you can't speed the process. Don't stop yourself from moving on. Don't fester, but don't rush it. It takes a long time, and it will linger for a while.


Last week on friday I went over to Alycia's to watch some TV. Apparently CSI is an event in her room. Hananna came back from work to watch with us, and I was fortunate enough to be an available lap. It was a pleasent feeling, something I don't feel often, and I know that I have mentioned in my journal many times when these things happen how much I forget how good they feel. (Look at post about neckocon, trip to WV, and I am sure many others.) Each and every time that it happens I find myself asking myself that question. And each time, no matter what justification I come up with, or what decision I make in my mind, it doesn't change the fact that it happened, and I enjoyed it. It had happened with Hananna many times in the time I have known her, and every time I have the same stream of thought. The other night I got sick of it. You know what? It does matter who they are. It matters alot. But what doesn't matter if you feel the same way about them that you felt about someone else. People are different, and we have differnet relationships with different people. We all build models in our minds models of how we should be, a model friend, a model brother, a model boyfreind, even a model father. But we have to remember, that our models are based on something, and often our model relationships are based on previous ones, even if we don't realise it. But thats stupid, because there are no elephants in Detroit.

Preach On, Brotha!

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Amen to that.
Yes, in the one case, I know it's going to take time. And I feel I will always love her -- I don't want to not love her, I just want to be able to live with it, and not feel so useless sometimes, you know?

But... To an extent I already knew this. I know that it's not going to be easy, and I know it's going to hurt, and I know I'm going to miss her. Not all the time, because sometimes I'm fine, and I do alright. But then something will strike me, and the world will feel a little bit colder, and a little bit more hollow.

I think I've said it before, but I owe alot to a number of ladies who, unbeknownst to them but knownst to me, have really helped me climb back out of the pit, a lot. Kept me from giving up on myself and such.

Yeah, I just wanted to say "That's exactly how I feel."
Thanks, Louis.

Re: Preach On, Brotha!

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

hey anytime man, thats what we are here for.

[violetmay.livejournal.com]

Face to face, sushi and real cappuccino.... I promise.

'loneliness is a choice..' -scully [season 6, "milagro"]

[daisysweet.livejournal.com]

i know what you mean - aside from senta, who most of the time is at least a 5-hour drive south of my house - i don't have a single friend. of course, that's why mom and i are the way we are. that's all we've got, really, is eachother. but everyone else in my life [past and present] is completely online.

it gets to me a lot, that people aren't here. and in a way, it's easier to allow them to hate me, or to work up reasons why i'm not that great person they used to think i am. they're hours and hours away and in all reality... i might never see them. ever. it's... it's sad. because even if i want them, the harsh reality is that nothing online lasts forever.

i tried so hard,
and got so far...
but in the end,
it doesn't even matter...

whooooooo. really, i wanted to cheer you up, and tell you i've missed you, and all of that [because i have - i knew you were probably trying to catch up with the sudden rush of family]. caught me in one of those really awkward moods when i'm no use to anyone. i apologize.

::hug:: it does mean something. just not always what other people read into it.