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jackofallgeeks-deep sigh-
Well, here I am. Again. Network seems to have gone out, so we're back to the usual strain on this downstairs computer until we figure out what the problem is. I may be gone before then.
I'm feeling a little... well a little grumpy, a little lonely, a little confused, and a little... -shrugs- I don't know.
I'm grumpy simply because I got in a debate with my aunt, and I felt she was accusing me of saying things I wasn't saying. Quite frustrating, as well, in that I felt she wasn't hearing what I WAS saying, and so my latent Gigioli/Portner temper is trying to break out and hurt something. Gnar.
I'm lonely and confused and all for the same general reason - girls. I don't feel I know what I want, where I'm going, how I to get there, and again like I can't say what I want to say and/or those to whom I would say it wouldn't understand... on the plus side, it seems Amanda (Sara's sister and the girl I've some-what been pursuing for all of two weeks) has a crush on me (or so Sara says). I admit that she and I seemed to click really well (and we all know I just ooze charm) but... I don't know. I don't know what I want. A part of me seems to think I just... need someone to be affectionate towards. Anyone to be affectionate towards. And if that's the case, I don't feel it's really fair to her... I mean, I don't think that's really something to build a relationship on.
Which brings me to the second frustrating point, and that is me talking about this as though I'd even so much as SEEN the girl in the past four or five years. Yeah, we've talked a few times, yeah she seems to like me (even if in a friendly way, mind you) but I haven't seen her in nearly four or five years, and even then I was friends with her sister. I barely knew Amanda.
And I feel so isolated from people in my life right now. I mean, all my friends are out there 3000 miles away, and some I haven't talked with in months. They're all back there doing there thing and living their lives and interacting with each other, and I'm stuck out here where I don't know anyone, there's no where for me to go, and even my cousins are half my age. It's just kinda frustrating sometimes, feeling unimportant... and stuff...
I miss Mel, too.
Shake the Disease by Depeche Mode
I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these
Understand me
Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these.
Understand me
Well, here I am. Again. Network seems to have gone out, so we're back to the usual strain on this downstairs computer until we figure out what the problem is. I may be gone before then.
I'm feeling a little... well a little grumpy, a little lonely, a little confused, and a little... -shrugs- I don't know.
I'm grumpy simply because I got in a debate with my aunt, and I felt she was accusing me of saying things I wasn't saying. Quite frustrating, as well, in that I felt she wasn't hearing what I WAS saying, and so my latent Gigioli/Portner temper is trying to break out and hurt something. Gnar.
I'm lonely and confused and all for the same general reason - girls. I don't feel I know what I want, where I'm going, how I to get there, and again like I can't say what I want to say and/or those to whom I would say it wouldn't understand... on the plus side, it seems Amanda (Sara's sister and the girl I've some-what been pursuing for all of two weeks) has a crush on me (or so Sara says). I admit that she and I seemed to click really well (and we all know I just ooze charm) but... I don't know. I don't know what I want. A part of me seems to think I just... need someone to be affectionate towards. Anyone to be affectionate towards. And if that's the case, I don't feel it's really fair to her... I mean, I don't think that's really something to build a relationship on.
Which brings me to the second frustrating point, and that is me talking about this as though I'd even so much as SEEN the girl in the past four or five years. Yeah, we've talked a few times, yeah she seems to like me (even if in a friendly way, mind you) but I haven't seen her in nearly four or five years, and even then I was friends with her sister. I barely knew Amanda.
And I feel so isolated from people in my life right now. I mean, all my friends are out there 3000 miles away, and some I haven't talked with in months. They're all back there doing there thing and living their lives and interacting with each other, and I'm stuck out here where I don't know anyone, there's no where for me to go, and even my cousins are half my age. It's just kinda frustrating sometimes, feeling unimportant... and stuff...
I miss Mel, too.
Shake the Disease by Depeche Mode
I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these
Understand me
Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there
Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these.
Understand me
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<whine>I can't play with them...</whine>
Date: 2002-12-30 08:20 pm (UTC)Point well taken. Don't get me wrong, I like the adventure and the journey as much as the next guy. Right now, though, I'm just confused by a number of things, and at the time of the post, it was one of the 'lower' moments, if you will.
sorry if that seemed harsh
LOL Not at all. I agree that sometimes people need to be pushed down before they can get up. And what you said makes alot of sense - one of those things that I 'knew,' but needed to be told before I recognized it, y'know?
Oooooohh well, just disregard everything I just said.
LOL I know what you mean about forgetting good points. ^_^ And yeah, it would help if I knew her, but it's not like I DON'T know her, either. She's in that awkward in-between stage, where she's not a close friend, but she's not a complete stranger, either. I've always had trouble figuring out how to handle people I 'used' to know. I figure thing'll clear up a bit once we get some time to hang out, probably sometime this coming semester.
And as far as being in a good mood or not, it's a moot point. Just because I'm always* unhappy when I post on LJ doesn't mean the whole world should be. Hell, it's a journal, it should be used like one. But aside from that, I wouldn't begrudge anyone being happy, it's just that general "damn it, I wish I was there." I feel the same anytime I'm away from my friends, cause they're my friends and I like spending time with them, y'know?
I get back from CA the afternoon/evening of the 11th, and we should definitely check said coffee shop out -- that whole live-music-at-a-coffee-shop thing has always intrigued me, y'know? And you know, anytime you're just putzing around your house, gimme a call -- I'm probably there just goofing off, anyways.