Home - a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there

[jackofallgeeks]

-deep sigh-
Well, here I am. Again. Network seems to have gone out, so we're back to the usual strain on this downstairs computer until we figure out what the problem is. I may be gone before then.

I'm feeling a little... well a little grumpy, a little lonely, a little confused, and a little... -shrugs- I don't know.

I'm grumpy simply because I got in a debate with my aunt, and I felt she was accusing me of saying things I wasn't saying. Quite frustrating, as well, in that I felt she wasn't hearing what I WAS saying, and so my latent Gigioli/Portner temper is trying to break out and hurt something. Gnar.

I'm lonely and confused and all for the same general reason - girls. I don't feel I know what I want, where I'm going, how I to get there, and again like I can't say what I want to say and/or those to whom I would say it wouldn't understand... on the plus side, it seems Amanda (Sara's sister and the girl I've some-what been pursuing for all of two weeks) has a crush on me (or so Sara says). I admit that she and I seemed to click really well (and we all know I just ooze charm) but... I don't know. I don't know what I want. A part of me seems to think I just... need someone to be affectionate towards. Anyone to be affectionate towards. And if that's the case, I don't feel it's really fair to her... I mean, I don't think that's really something to build a relationship on.
Which brings me to the second frustrating point, and that is me talking about this as though I'd even so much as SEEN the girl in the past four or five years. Yeah, we've talked a few times, yeah she seems to like me (even if in a friendly way, mind you) but I haven't seen her in nearly four or five years, and even then I was friends with her sister. I barely knew Amanda.

And I feel so isolated from people in my life right now. I mean, all my friends are out there 3000 miles away, and some I haven't talked with in months. They're all back there doing there thing and living their lives and interacting with each other, and I'm stuck out here where I don't know anyone, there's no where for me to go, and even my cousins are half my age. It's just kinda frustrating sometimes, feeling unimportant... and stuff...

I miss Mel, too.

Shake the Disease by Depeche Mode
I'm not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I've got things to do
And I've said before that I know you have too
When I'm not there
In spirit I'll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these.

Understand me

Comments

[otakulk.livejournal.com]

I don't feel I know what I want, where I'm going, how I to get there
If all you did was go where you want to go, you would already been tere and left. There would be no journey, no expereince, and no appreciation of what you achieved. It would be like going to the mall.

but... I don't know. I don't know what I want.
Man who the fuck cares what you want. People who get what they want are unhappy all the time. wants = more wants = unhappy. If you seems somewhat interested, and she seems somewhat interested, do stuff with her, then you'll know where to go with it. Relationships aren't like one day you wake up and boom you are in deep. There are different levels, and they span waaaay beyond the four bases. Spend some time with her and if you feel you want to go farther, go for it. She may not feel the sae way, but you tried. Going on a date isn't a commitment unless you are under the age of 12.

*sorry if that seemed harsh, but sometimes people need to be pushed down before they get up*


And if that's the case, I don't feel it's really fair to her...
well, thats true. you should spend more time with her and see if you really like her as a person, and not just having confused feelings abotu a friendship.

I'd even so much as SEEN the girl in the past four or five years.
Oooooohh well, just disregard everything I just said. I really should read the whole post before I start to comment, but then I forget good points :). yeah it might help if you knew her a little better....

They're all back there doing there thing and living their lives and interacting with each other
I am sorry if I gave you the impression of being in a good mood with the new years post, but I don't like to post often about being down. I totally know how you feel. I know like two people in MD, you and will. Everyone else I know are far away, and I find myself missing social interactions alot. It sucks especially when I am at work. everyone I work with is like 10 years older than me, and the only one I ever really connected with is out on site. Then to come home only to deal with family, it sucks. Of course, this is the reason I end up spending do much time on Live Journal :). But I can totally relate.

Hey when do you come back from CA? I here there's this coffe place near me that has live music on fridays, we should check it out. Will might geta gig there too. Oh and I mailed you something in CA I hope you get it before you leave.

<whine>I can't play with them...</whine>

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

It would be like going to the mall.
Point well taken. Don't get me wrong, I like the adventure and the journey as much as the next guy. Right now, though, I'm just confused by a number of things, and at the time of the post, it was one of the 'lower' moments, if you will.

sorry if that seemed harsh
LOL Not at all. I agree that sometimes people need to be pushed down before they can get up. And what you said makes alot of sense - one of those things that I 'knew,' but needed to be told before I recognized it, y'know?

Oooooohh well, just disregard everything I just said.
LOL I know what you mean about forgetting good points. ^_^ And yeah, it would help if I knew her, but it's not like I DON'T know her, either. She's in that awkward in-between stage, where she's not a close friend, but she's not a complete stranger, either. I've always had trouble figuring out how to handle people I 'used' to know. I figure thing'll clear up a bit once we get some time to hang out, probably sometime this coming semester.

And as far as being in a good mood or not, it's a moot point. Just because I'm always* unhappy when I post on LJ doesn't mean the whole world should be. Hell, it's a journal, it should be used like one. But aside from that, I wouldn't begrudge anyone being happy, it's just that general "damn it, I wish I was there." I feel the same anytime I'm away from my friends, cause they're my friends and I like spending time with them, y'know?

I get back from CA the afternoon/evening of the 11th, and we should definitely check said coffee shop out -- that whole live-music-at-a-coffee-shop thing has always intrigued me, y'know? And you know, anytime you're just putzing around your house, gimme a call -- I'm probably there just goofing off, anyways.

[surichan.livejournal.com]

Oh, Andrew...because I can't add anything to that better than what Louis said, I'm just gonna offer you a huge hug. And an "I know the feeling", on both the family count and the loneliness one.

I miss Mel, too...but I don't think she's gonna come back around my way. At least she still pops in on you now and again...

"I know the feeling"

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Yeah... it seems to me all present feel the same way alot of the time... I wish we could cling to each other more, figuratively and literally.

As for Mel - don't be so starke about things. Have some faith in the girl. I imagine it's probably really hard for her right now, considering the situation. I'm hoping, for the benefit of all involved, that she'll get through things and come back to us. i don't imagine there's anyone who doesn't want her back.