Reflections
Nov. 12th, 2002 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackofallgeeksI would say 'I don't ask you to read this,' but I do. Yeah, part of this is just getting my thoughts sorted, but I've been turning most of these thoughts around in my head for a while, now. The reason I'm putting them down at all, really, is so that someone might read them. If you can see this (because not all can) I would like your input.
I miss Claire. I know I say it ALL the time, and I know I've said I'm getting over it - and I am, really - but I miss her. I miss what we had. I miss the affection. I wish I was still her boyfriend, I wish we could be together, and get married, and have a family. I wish I could spend the rest of my life with her.
I wish I could believe she still loves me.
Don't get me wrong, I do. Most times I do. Sometimes, it just makes me feel so great. Just knowing her makes my life better. But then, there are times when I feel like she doesn't need me around, or that she's better off without me, or that I'm just some great bother to her. And I feel like I just want to curl up and cry, because I've never cared about anyone the way I care about her. She's my first love, truely, and I don't want to lose touch with her. I've lost so many friends in my life... And I want her to be happy. I don't want her to worry about her body, or what others think of her. i don't want some dipshit to come along and hurt her. I don't want anything bad to happy to ruin one of the most beautiful, as a human being, people that I've ever known.
I don't want to push her away by trying to hold on too close. I want her to know I love her, and that I will always love her. I want to be one of her dearest friends. I want to have a part in her life.
...
I'm listening to a mix CD she sent me over the summer. It's full of some great Country love songs. Where Kate and others failed, this CD succeeded - it is the sole reason I like Country music.
I haven't been able to listen to it since we broke up - I've been afraid of it. I'm afraid of what it means to me, and what it might not mean to her. i'm afraid of what EVERYTHING means to me, and how little it might mean to her.
She called me Ai-chan. For the Japanese-illiterate, it roughly translates as "my love." The first time was way back, a bunch of months ago, and it hit me like a truck. Even if she only intended it casually, it meant alot to me. She still calls me Ai-chan sometimes now, and it still means alot to me, but I can't tell her because I'm afraid then she would stop. Durring the Con, she and I had a few moments... She let me hold her, but not just let me, she leaned back into me. I could cry from emotion for just how much that means to me. One of the things that hurts the deepest is the loss of affection. I miss her touch. And just that she would put her arm around me, or hold my hand... it means alot to me... There was one time durring the con where I had my arms around her waist, and she had hers behind my neck, and we just talked for a moment like that... her blue eyes were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in that moment... That's all I ask for - that she would show me such small measures of affection, because it means so incredibly much to me.
But I'm afraid to tell her, because I'm afraid she'd stop.
*wipes away tears* I'm going to cry. And this song, "I Don't Want You To Go," isn't helping. I love this CD.
Strawberry Cremesavers...like liquid kiss...
There are alot of things I'm afraid of. Eternity is one - it's odd that I should fear it, as through faith I should be able to be quite hopeful for eternity. And yet, I don't understand eternity. And as people tend to fear what they don't understand, it scares me.
I'm not so much afraid of death, though. I am afraid of being alone. Deathly afraid. I don't like to think about being alone - and I don't mean by myself. I can do just fine for long streatches of 'me' time. I can sit by myself in a room for quite a long while, considering. But I need people, more than I can even express. I don't like feeling disconected, and when I do is when I get into trouble, fall into depression. It's when I imagine that no one cares, that those I care about would be just as well off without me.
Along the same line, I'm afraid of not getting married - of never finding that girl who needs me as much as I need her. It stems, I think, from the fact that I'm so people oriented - people are the center of my world. I always have a reason to get up in the morning, there's always a point to the world, if I can but influence one person, make a difference in one life. I lent Mina some money because she wanted a shirt at Hot Topic - the last one they had - but she didn't have any money. I don't care if she ever pays me back - the look on her face, and the knowlege that I made one of my friends happy was enough. I love people.
But it goes a little bit deeper than that, this fear of never marrying, and I know you all already understand. Where as the fact that people make my universe explains my fear of being alone, I'm afraid of not having a family because, well, it's my one goal in life, really. My dad has said on a number of occations that a man can make no greater impact on the world than raising a family - it's the only legacy that truely lasts. I have a massive amount of respect for my dad, and I agree whole-heartedly. He's also the root of my "people are what really matter" philosophy. But I'm afraid of not marrying because then I would not only be alone, but I would never accomplish my one real goal in life. It's not even so much as I would have failed, but that, I don't know, the one thing that really matters to me... you know?
Another unreasonable fear for you to chew on. Before you do so, and get all bent out of shape, notice that I acknowledge that it's unreasonable. Anxiety is rarely based in reality, I think. But all that being said... Sometimes I'm afraid that the people who know me best like me least. That is, the more someone gets to know who I really am, the less they like me. I donno, it's really kinda stupid, and I don't have anywhere to go with it. It's just there.
There are some plusses. You may all look at this and think that I'm miserable again. But I'm not. Infact, my life is going really well. My grandparents just sold their house and, while kinda sad cause I practically grew up there, it's good for them cause grandpa won't have to work anymore. My uncle Kenny also just won a several-million dollar contract for his company, and my parents may be moving back east, so I would get to see more of my little sisters. Also, my dad just got promoted, and he may be able to get my sister and her family out of that Hellhole they're in now and into an Apartment of their own. That would do Jenny a world of good.
Additionally, I just had two of the best weekends of my life. First was Sophomore Retreat, which was amazing, and I just got to spend some quality time with friendly, Catholic people and...I donno, I got more connected to a piece of myself that I'd almost lost. And NekoCon was great - I met Megan, and I reconnected with Leslie, and I got to really bond with Louis, I think, considering the, what, 10 hours in the car we had? And I gotta meet (or re-meet) a great group of people, and dance, and see Dan-chan (whom I've noted I idolize). Claire and I, as far as I'm aware, had some great time together there, and... I feel like her friend or something. ^_^;; Mel told me such was the case, but actually KNOWING it... ::Shrugs:: I'm a weirdo. And I got that damnable final moved, so I can spend my last days here on the east coast with her before Christmas break, so I'm ecstatic.
I've also been recieving a bunch of compliments. I know I've said most of all this in other posts, but... Megan said I was infamous, implying she'd heard about me before, and then said she liked me instantly. I don't even know what I did that might have won her ovcer - I remember it as quite awkward, like "Hey, you're Andrew" "Hey, You're Meghan." And Heather, Taryn and Kim all said I looked good in my Leather, which made me happy. Mel snuck behind me back (Love you, Mel) and found a picture of me, and said I was handsome, and Leslie agreed. And then just this afternoon, talking with Kat about a couple of my friends having a rough time, she said I was a great friend. ^_^;;
And, so...yeah. There's my reflections. ^__^ At least I ended on an up-note.
I'm thinking I might want to open this post up to Leslie and Claire, but I'm rather unsure. What are your two opinions?
I miss Claire. I know I say it ALL the time, and I know I've said I'm getting over it - and I am, really - but I miss her. I miss what we had. I miss the affection. I wish I was still her boyfriend, I wish we could be together, and get married, and have a family. I wish I could spend the rest of my life with her.
I wish I could believe she still loves me.
Don't get me wrong, I do. Most times I do. Sometimes, it just makes me feel so great. Just knowing her makes my life better. But then, there are times when I feel like she doesn't need me around, or that she's better off without me, or that I'm just some great bother to her. And I feel like I just want to curl up and cry, because I've never cared about anyone the way I care about her. She's my first love, truely, and I don't want to lose touch with her. I've lost so many friends in my life... And I want her to be happy. I don't want her to worry about her body, or what others think of her. i don't want some dipshit to come along and hurt her. I don't want anything bad to happy to ruin one of the most beautiful, as a human being, people that I've ever known.
I don't want to push her away by trying to hold on too close. I want her to know I love her, and that I will always love her. I want to be one of her dearest friends. I want to have a part in her life.
...
I'm listening to a mix CD she sent me over the summer. It's full of some great Country love songs. Where Kate and others failed, this CD succeeded - it is the sole reason I like Country music.
I haven't been able to listen to it since we broke up - I've been afraid of it. I'm afraid of what it means to me, and what it might not mean to her. i'm afraid of what EVERYTHING means to me, and how little it might mean to her.
She called me Ai-chan. For the Japanese-illiterate, it roughly translates as "my love." The first time was way back, a bunch of months ago, and it hit me like a truck. Even if she only intended it casually, it meant alot to me. She still calls me Ai-chan sometimes now, and it still means alot to me, but I can't tell her because I'm afraid then she would stop. Durring the Con, she and I had a few moments... She let me hold her, but not just let me, she leaned back into me. I could cry from emotion for just how much that means to me. One of the things that hurts the deepest is the loss of affection. I miss her touch. And just that she would put her arm around me, or hold my hand... it means alot to me... There was one time durring the con where I had my arms around her waist, and she had hers behind my neck, and we just talked for a moment like that... her blue eyes were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in that moment... That's all I ask for - that she would show me such small measures of affection, because it means so incredibly much to me.
But I'm afraid to tell her, because I'm afraid she'd stop.
*wipes away tears* I'm going to cry. And this song, "I Don't Want You To Go," isn't helping. I love this CD.
Strawberry Cremesavers...like liquid kiss...
There are alot of things I'm afraid of. Eternity is one - it's odd that I should fear it, as through faith I should be able to be quite hopeful for eternity. And yet, I don't understand eternity. And as people tend to fear what they don't understand, it scares me.
I'm not so much afraid of death, though. I am afraid of being alone. Deathly afraid. I don't like to think about being alone - and I don't mean by myself. I can do just fine for long streatches of 'me' time. I can sit by myself in a room for quite a long while, considering. But I need people, more than I can even express. I don't like feeling disconected, and when I do is when I get into trouble, fall into depression. It's when I imagine that no one cares, that those I care about would be just as well off without me.
Along the same line, I'm afraid of not getting married - of never finding that girl who needs me as much as I need her. It stems, I think, from the fact that I'm so people oriented - people are the center of my world. I always have a reason to get up in the morning, there's always a point to the world, if I can but influence one person, make a difference in one life. I lent Mina some money because she wanted a shirt at Hot Topic - the last one they had - but she didn't have any money. I don't care if she ever pays me back - the look on her face, and the knowlege that I made one of my friends happy was enough. I love people.
But it goes a little bit deeper than that, this fear of never marrying, and I know you all already understand. Where as the fact that people make my universe explains my fear of being alone, I'm afraid of not having a family because, well, it's my one goal in life, really. My dad has said on a number of occations that a man can make no greater impact on the world than raising a family - it's the only legacy that truely lasts. I have a massive amount of respect for my dad, and I agree whole-heartedly. He's also the root of my "people are what really matter" philosophy. But I'm afraid of not marrying because then I would not only be alone, but I would never accomplish my one real goal in life. It's not even so much as I would have failed, but that, I don't know, the one thing that really matters to me... you know?
Another unreasonable fear for you to chew on. Before you do so, and get all bent out of shape, notice that I acknowledge that it's unreasonable. Anxiety is rarely based in reality, I think. But all that being said... Sometimes I'm afraid that the people who know me best like me least. That is, the more someone gets to know who I really am, the less they like me. I donno, it's really kinda stupid, and I don't have anywhere to go with it. It's just there.
There are some plusses. You may all look at this and think that I'm miserable again. But I'm not. Infact, my life is going really well. My grandparents just sold their house and, while kinda sad cause I practically grew up there, it's good for them cause grandpa won't have to work anymore. My uncle Kenny also just won a several-million dollar contract for his company, and my parents may be moving back east, so I would get to see more of my little sisters. Also, my dad just got promoted, and he may be able to get my sister and her family out of that Hellhole they're in now and into an Apartment of their own. That would do Jenny a world of good.
Additionally, I just had two of the best weekends of my life. First was Sophomore Retreat, which was amazing, and I just got to spend some quality time with friendly, Catholic people and...I donno, I got more connected to a piece of myself that I'd almost lost. And NekoCon was great - I met Megan, and I reconnected with Leslie, and I got to really bond with Louis, I think, considering the, what, 10 hours in the car we had? And I gotta meet (or re-meet) a great group of people, and dance, and see Dan-chan (whom I've noted I idolize). Claire and I, as far as I'm aware, had some great time together there, and... I feel like her friend or something. ^_^;; Mel told me such was the case, but actually KNOWING it... ::Shrugs:: I'm a weirdo. And I got that damnable final moved, so I can spend my last days here on the east coast with her before Christmas break, so I'm ecstatic.
I've also been recieving a bunch of compliments. I know I've said most of all this in other posts, but... Megan said I was infamous, implying she'd heard about me before, and then said she liked me instantly. I don't even know what I did that might have won her ovcer - I remember it as quite awkward, like "Hey, you're Andrew" "Hey, You're Meghan." And Heather, Taryn and Kim all said I looked good in my Leather, which made me happy. Mel snuck behind me back (Love you, Mel) and found a picture of me, and said I was handsome, and Leslie agreed. And then just this afternoon, talking with Kat about a couple of my friends having a rough time, she said I was a great friend. ^_^;;
And, so...yeah. There's my reflections. ^__^ At least I ended on an up-note.
I'm thinking I might want to open this post up to Leslie and Claire, but I'm rather unsure. What are your two opinions?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
::hug::
Date: 2002-11-13 01:07 pm (UTC)Out of curiousity... I'm obviously one of the two you are referring too in your question at the end there. Who's the other lucky duck who can read this post?
And in response to the question... that is entirely up to you. As far as Claire goes though... everything you said in the segment about her was that you DIDN'T want her to know. What makes you second guess that? But... that's all you darlin.
We've talked about Claire. I know you miss her. It will take time to heal the painful part of what you miss. And I don't think you will ever NOT miss her. But sometime, you won't mind so much. It just takes time. And just remember... "The hardest part of love is the letting go." I believe that you guys will stay friends. You've gotten through the initially post-break-up time and have remained friends. I think thats the toughest part. Now it's just up from there.
Eternity. After what happened last week... I have a lot of really fucked up emotions going on here. We are talking about death and eternity when you are here. I have a lot of emotions I need to get out on this topic. Be fore-warned, tears will be shed. But I'll tell you everything I feel about this later.
And I've said it before and I'll say it again. You WILL find a girl. I just know you will. Not only do you deserve to have the best girl out there, but some girl out there deserves you. It will happen. It will.
Your red comments confuse me. You'll have to explain farther before I comment on those.
I'm glad you're being happy over all this. :-) Sounds like everything else is going really well, and that is good. Your dad got promoted? What is he now? Or did I already know this?
Anywho... there's my 22cents. :-) Let me know if you need anything else!
Re: ::hug::
Date: 2002-11-13 06:14 pm (UTC)I think you should be able to pick her out - the two girls who I feel most comfortable with. it might be a choice between three, but since Claire is nessisarily ruled out, it leaves you and Mel.
And though I may not want to TELL Claire, I do believe I want her to know. We all agree she still means alot to me, and I want her to, you know, know. I do so want her to be a close friend, after all.
As far as second guessing myself - it's one of the things I do best. ^___^
We have talked about Claire. I know it will take a while to heal, I'm not rushing it. I know I will always love her - I don't want it any other way. I think you're right that the worst is part (well, until she gets another boyfriend... I pray, for her sake if nothing else, I can take that), and we are good friends, so I'm hopeful. The hardest part is letting go. I love that song - I can't thank you enough for showing me it.
You realize you will hear about Claire when I visit. Perhaps we can talk about this whole thing in depth, then, as well.
::Nods:: Eternity. I would like little more than to sit up with you, coffee in hand, until 4am talking about everything and nothing all at once. You know I'll be here for you.
And when I say coffee, I mean cappuccino. ^__^
^___^ You're faith in my success brings me happiness. It's very encouraging, and quite flattering, that you're convinced I deserve to find someone, and though the fact that someone deserves to find me could go either way, I know you intend it as a positive. And though I would argue that just because one deserves something it doesn't mean it will come to pass (bad things happen to good people), I am quite the optimist, really, and like I said, you give me hope. Perhaps, if I just stay the guy I am, I'll find the girl I need.
My red comments are simple in their complexity - it occurred to me once that the more someone gets to know who I really am, the less they like me. Thus, those who do seem to like me must not know me, for if they did, they wouldn't like me. If nothing else, you two ladies disprove this supposition, and I have accordingly labeled it 'unreasonable.'
And yes, Dad is a Captain in the Navy, now. I believe you knew about it, because he was being 'officially' promoted on Nov. 1st, two days before you got home. And things are going well - I've been quite happy almost continuously since Retreat. Things are going well.
And hey, every little bit helps. ^__^
no subject
i, of course, sent you an e-mail... and i'm gonna reply to your reply when i'm feeling more all-together and less like a puddle of pain and headache-ness. but i felt weird about not commenting at all. heh - comment pixie must do her duty and make the world a more ramble-filled place. ^__~
xo.
Mushy-mush
Date: 2002-11-13 09:32 pm (UTC)I have to be honest and say i'm a bit saddened you don't post more. I remember the days of DaisySweet as happy, glowing, flower-weathed times of joy and happiness. Well, OK, maybe not that Disney, but you get the idea. I'm still kinda upset that some jerk-offs would have done that, to you of all people.
But yeah, you two girls I trust with the most - I have a number of locked posts, and either of you can see most if not all of them. This isn't the first time it's been just you two, either. Stand proud, ladies. And I do value your opinions, because I care what you think.
And which happens little - people think about what you say (cause Lord above knows I do) or that you say anything? ^__^
And comment or no, I love hearing from you. I'm sure Rachel would have thought nothing of it if you didn't, and I know what you had to say, anyways, which is all that matters.
I'm glad you did, though. ^_^