I Feel Happy

[jackofallgeeks]

No, no I don't.

"I've decided that we can't be together anymore. I'm not really broken up about it, but I don't want you to be upset. I still love you. Don't kiss me."

"I still love everything about you, and I never want you to change. I just don't want my children to be like you."

"I'm just not treating you like a porcelin doll, anymore."
"So, you were afraid to handle me roughly when we were 'together?'
"Yeah, I didn't want to hurt you."
"But now you don't care if I get hurt or not."

*Sigh* No, those dialogues have never taken place, per se. You may, though, be surprised at how much of that she DID say.
I don't want to accuse her of anything, but it doesn't make any FUCKING sense to me.
*Sigh* She tells me she still loves me, and if I can take faith in that, then maybe I'll be alright. Maybe. But if she still loves me, doesn't that mean maybe there's still a chance for us?

I want to talk to her, but I'm afraid she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. We're going to get together the first week in October, but I'm afraid maybe she doesn't want to see me... She was really excited when I told her I'd still go to the Nutcracker with her, but... But I don't know...

Maybe she's not 'talking' to anyone - she said she wants to make stronger bonds with her friends, and I can respect that. I never asked to be anything special. I never asked to be the sole male in her life. i never asked for ANYTHING - I just wanted that acceptance, that careing. I just want someone to need me as much as I need them.

I realize I have a vast number of friends - I realize that more especially now than most ever before. I understand, intellectually, that there will be others if Claire is not the one, and that I'm not useless just because she doesn't want me...

But it hurts thinking she doesn't want me. It hurts when, as much as I'm emotionally torn apart, her life seems BETTER without me. How important could I be if she's happier after leaving me?
I still want to be with her - I want to do everything I can to fix this, and I feel so DAMN SELFISH for it. I can't just leave well enough alone, let go, and be content to be her friend...
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not a part of her life anymore....

I don't have anything else to say.

Comments

[starlight1184.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you feel so miserable. I'll send you all the positive energy I can. ::hugs::

[surichan.livejournal.com]

Oh, dearest... I know we've already had a talk about this over the phone, but I want to talk to you again once we're in person on Friday. Over some damn good coffee (hopefully, anyway), riding high on waves of pre- and post-Jim euphoria, and with a great expanse of time stretching out in front of us. Even if I can't make anything go away permenantly, I can at least be a sounding board or something...anything I can to help.

[dreamingaloud.livejournal.com]

"I may be a lost cause, but I thought if you loved me, it needn't matter." -Jimmy Porter [Look Back In Anger]