About Suzannah

[jackofallgeeks]

For those of you just joining us, and maybe a refresher for those who have come before (myself included...):

I met Suzannah in the fall of 2003; I was out at Christendom College in northern Virginia waiting for my brother, who was a new freshman there. She mistook me for my brother and, feeling it was her duty to welcome the new students, introduced herself. We established that I wasn't my brother, and got to talking for a bit and struck up the beginnings of a friendship. Unsurprisingly, I was enamoured with her from the start. I went out to see her a few more time, we went on some evening walks around her campus, and I asked her to a dance at my school in DC. We both thought it was a rather miserable dance (horrid music), but at one point she took me aside and taught me how to waltz, and then invited me to the dancing club they had at her school. I went there when I could (for a while it wasn't possible because of my class schedule), partly to see her and partly to dance. It was also lots of fun meeting the other people out there. Over the summer, I saw her out in Front Royal (where she'd stayed on campus to work) and later in Maryland after she had a riding accident and had to go home.

At some point I told her I was interested in her, and she said thanks but with school and everything she wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. I told myself that was alright, and we continued to see each other; in retrospect I don't think I was really OK with that, and that not-being-OK led to problems. In the fall of 2004 I started to see less of her, through a combination of her being busy and sick, and began to feel slighted. Eventually I imagine she was actively avoiding me, but there's no proof. (This is the time I met Meghan, and in part this is why Meghan and I had a rocky relationship, at least in the beginning.) I got to be anxious and awkward when I did see Suzannah, which didn't help anything.

I graduated in the Spring of 2005 (three years ago today; more than turned 25, buying a house, or my sister having her 5th kid, being 3 years out of college makes me feel old). I saw her once or twice over the summer. Just before I was to move to California -- leaving all my friends and family behind -- she ended our relationship. By email. She acknowledged that it probably seemed sudden to me (which it did), but she said that she didn't know what our relationship was and that whatever it was it made her uncomfortable. So if I would be kind enough to not contact her again, she would appreciate it. (Her words were a little different, but not by much.)

I... don't think I reacted well. At first I was crushed, and replied with a defeated, "if that's what you want." Then I got angry and defiant, and wrote that it wasn't fair the way she was treating me like this. Finally I conceded, wished her well, and said I'd abide by her request. That email from her, ending our relationship, was the last I'd heard from her.

I actually have quite a bit to thank her for, in an odd way: if not for her, I probably wouldn't have met Laurel (My Only Friend in Monterey), and that would have been devastating -- I wouldn't have made it out there at all if not for Laurel.

So, no she's not an ex, but yeah we were kind of dating. That dating/not dating thing is, I think, most of what contributed to my awkwardness and her discomfort. I could blame a lot of things for causing that disconnect, but it doesn't matter much. She hurt me, a lot, but at worst she can be accused of handling poorly a situation she didn't understand. She may have mistreated me, but not out of malice and I think I'm as much to blame as she is.

Why do I want to get back in touch with her now? That's not something I've given much thought to, actually. It's been three years, I'm not who I was then and my situation isn't the same as it was. Maybe too much damage was done in our break-up, and maybe she won't have any interest in getting back in touch with me. But I don't see the harm in giving it a shot. (In part because I don't trust myself to anticipate the consequences of if we DID get back in touch.)

I think a lot of my friends have a negative opinion of her because of the pain I went through after the fact: friends don't like seeing friends get hurt. But aside from the fact that she ended our relationship the way she did, she didn't do anything wrong.

Comments

[dikaiosunh.livejournal.com]

No offense... but I don't think I see where in this story you were dating, or where you broke up - and my uneducated guess in this is that she doesn't either. I see where you would like to have been dating, and where she go uncomfortable with that.

Seriously, I wouldn't contact her. But I'm not you.

[ofthelily.livejournal.com]

No she didn't do anything wrong, but she also didn't do anything right. I don't think it would be a good idea to contact her again.

[laurelei28.livejournal.com]

I think what I remember most about this is standing on the beach and you telling me that bit about her asking to stop being your friend out of no where and how very damaging that was. I think, though people do dumb things, and they change, you need to simply make sure you are prepared to deal with whatever might happen. Clearly you are, or you wouldn't consider it, talk about it, or retell the story. We all know you well enough to know that you'll do whatever is in that stubborn head of yours. Perhaps consult the really useful book? And if you haven't opened it- please do because it has a black light pen for secret messages.

[quix.livejournal.com]

The bottom line is she asked you not to contact her again. I think if you disrespected that request and tried to contact her you would start whatever it is you were trying to start off from a bad place.

[starlight1184.livejournal.com]

Gene worded our response better than I did on our last comment set... but:

Please think long and hard about these simple words: "She asked you not to contact her."

There wasn't much grey area there. Still isn't if she hasn't reached out to you.
I've been on the end of a breakup where I asked someone NOT to contact me. And they did, and I simply thought less of them. They did not get a second chance or a response. I just thought even less of them. In fact, it really aggravated me.

I really don't think contacting her will make you or her very happy, or even be worth the time or energy you have already spent on it.

I'm sorry dear. I know it's not the answer you want, but I think it's for the best.

[nif.livejournal.com]

I think it's a completely natural urge to want to contact her-- you didn't get a lot of closure. And it's awfully tempting to give in to curiosity about people you've had feelings for.

But. I have to agree with the first comment left here. You weren't in a romantic relationship with her. You wanted to be, but you weren't. I think you should stop viewing it that way or it's going to cause problems.

If you did contact her, there's three possible outcomes:
1. She agrees to talk.
2. She tells you to go away.
3. She ignores you.

That's only a 33% chance of a positive outcome.

Within outcome 1, there are two options.
A. You become friends again.
B. You don't.

Which reduces the chances of a positive outcome by 50%.

So really (and I'm not very good at math, so this may be completely off base) the chances of something good happening by trying to contact her is around 18%.

Those odds suck.

And, I must reiterate, she asked you to leave her alone. I feel it would be disrespectful to ignore her wishes.