Singing To Myself

[jackofallgeeks]

So, maybe about a month or so ago, surichan presented a "Me Mix" that she'd made songs that she felt expressed who she was as a person. Leslie has a knack for these sorts of things, and she made a good mix (though I'm pretty sure some of her choices were influenced by songs people had said reminded them of her). She asked her friends list, in a rather meme-like way, what 16-odd songs they would put on their own "Me Mix."

I responded to that meme-ishness with what I felt expressed me at that time. The trouble was the "at that time" bit. Yeah, some of it was applicable to me, generally, but a lot of it was grounded in how I was feeling which was heavily influenced by all the negative feedback energy radiating from my thesis at the time. So, I wanted to 're-design' my Me-Mix to something more-universally me.

Of course, I generally feel that my friends know me better than I know me, so when I inevitably got to a sticking point, I asked Leslie to do me a favor: make a mix about who I am. Leslie loved the idea; she'd made mixes about her friends before, but it was always to them, not as them. The result was Stone Cold Gentleman:
01. Sean Galuszka - O Mistress Mine
02. The Killers - All These Things That I've Done
03. Keane - Atlantic
04. Dan Bern - One Dance
05. Ralph Tresvant - Stone Cold Gentleman
06. Muse - Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want
07. Depeche Mode - Somebody
08. Radiohead - I Will
09. Bruderschaft - Forever (Clubcracker Mix)
10. Rob Dougan - Born Yesterday
11. Duncan Sheik - Hey Casanova
12. Travis - Writing to Reach You
13. Ben Folds Five - Philosophy
14. Songs: Ohia - Didn't It Rain
15. Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonnaise
16. Elbow - Station Approach
17. Noam Weinstein - When I Get My
Bonus Track, Rilo Kiley - A Better Son/Daughter

It was a very appropriate mix, and the lyric snips she chose to highlight for each song, I think, really describe me rather well. They describe me so well, in fact, that a full 8 of those 17 songs ended up in the semi-finals for my own mix. (Of course, the catch to having her do this is that I need to make one in kind for her. I don't have nearly the talent she displays for making mixes, plus I'm afraid that I'll confused who she is for who she's been. So far I just have "God" by Tori Amos as a nominee, and I almost put that song on my own list.)

I've finally finished, to some reasonable extent, my Me Mix. Listening to it, there seems to be a theme of not being who I want or seem to be. There's a current of determination and striving to do what's right, a touch of insecurity, and a hint of rage under the surface. The track listing follows, along with some highlighted lyrics and a few short words on why I chose what I chose. So:

Andrew -- Singing To Myself
===========================
01. "Superman" by Five for Fighting
02. "Philosophy" by Ben Folds Five
03. "I'm Alive" by Disturbed
04. "Atlantic" by Keane
05. "Somebody" by Veruka Salt
06. "One Dance" by Dan Bern
07. "You Owe Me Nothing" by Alanis Morissette
08. "Ugly Side" by Blue October
09. "Pure" by Gary Numan
10. "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke Nine
11. "Scars" by Papa Roach
12. "Legion" by VNV Nation
13. "Drive" by Asseblage 23
14. "When I Get My" by Noam Weinstein
15. "Mayonnaise" by Smashing Pumpkins
16. "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley
17. "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay

Commentary

01. "Superman" by Five for Fighting

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

One of my friends, maybe more than one of my friends, once told me that I have a Superman complex. I think she was probably right. I'm not sure exactly what a Superman complex entails officially, but I know that I want to be the hero, I want to help people, to defend and care for them, and I want to be without weakness. The song conveys that pretty well, I think, with a touch of my own self-doubts and insistence that I'm really nothing spectacular (and a bit of cynicism in there, maybe, for texture).


02. "Philosophy" by Ben Folds Five

Go ahead you can laugh all you want
I got my philosophy
Keeps my feet on the ground
And I trust it like the ground
That's why my philosophy
Keeps me walking when I'm falling down
I see that there is evil
And I know that there is good
And the in-betweens I never understood

This is one that Leslie used in Stone Cold Gentleman, and one that I thought was particularly apt. Aside from my own love of actual philosophy, the song speaks to the fact that I have a system of beliefs which I hold to, which ground me, regardless of what other people think of it. The above line also keys in on my nicely: when it comes down to it, I often have trouble not seeing things in terms of black and white; even when I concede there's a shade of grey, there's still a definite 'right' and 'wrong.' It's just what my philosophy dictates.


03. "I'm Alive" by Disturbed

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand

Disturbed is one of the 'angrier' bands that I like, and this is kind of an angry song. 'Determined,' I like to think. It states simple fact: the thing that I treasure most in life, my own integrity and character, can not be taken away from me. I've also been told, once or twice, that my determination can sometimes be a little... startling? Many of my friends have told me that they're afraid to see what I'm like when I'm angry; it doesn't happen often but apparently the rage that seeps through now and again is enough. I think this covers that base, too.


04. "Atlantic" by Keane

I don't wanna be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don't wanna be old and feel afraid
...
I need a place
Where I can make my bed
A lover's lap where I can lay my head

Leslie used this one in Stone Cold Gentleman, and the same reasoning holds here. Leslie noted that I'm really afraid of growing old and not finding a Someone to have a family with. "An empty house is not a home," sums things up really well. I want a family. I don't like the thought of living by myself. I don't feel comfortable without people around.


05. "Somebody" by Veruka Salt

She'll hear me out and won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking, in fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all she will understand me
...
Someone who'll help me see things in a different life
All the things I detest, I will almost like

Technically this was also on Stone Cold Gentleman, but Leslie used the original Depeche Mode version; I specifically chose Veruka Salt for the female vocals. (Fun fact: Veruka Salt is my favorite character from Charlie and the Chocolate factory; I don't know why, there's really nothing to like about her.) I had to actively not highlight all the lyrics here because this song describes 'who' I'm looking for in one of the best ways I know. I chose to highlight the lines referencing the interplay of ideas and conversation: as Leslie said, I'm not looking for a sycophant. I really want someone who will think for themselves and, while being sensitive to me, will show me new ways to view the world. Counter-balance my black-and-white outlook, perhaps.


06. "One Dance" by Dan Bern

Because I love you
I get tongue tied around you
I never say smart stuff around you
I never say anything around you
That makes you want to be with me
So, because I love you
I will never be with you

These songs were at least in a different order on Stone Cold Gentleman. I think. Leslie has known me for over a decade now, I think. She showed up a few years late but was around long enough to learn that a recurring fact in my life was that the girls I liked never liked me, and the ones who I wasn't interested in were the ones who wanted my attention. I still think that's true, but I also sometimes worry that the sort of girl I'm looking for, by virtue of the sort of person she is, won't be interested in me by virtue of the sort of person I am. This song seems a bit more optimistic than that, which is fair because I usually am too -- it seems to be saying, "if you'd give me a chance, I'd show you I'm a guy worth knowing." I feel like that a lot.


07. "You Owe Me Nothing" by Alanis Morissette

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is.

I am by nature a very affectionate person. I decided years ago that love, affection, is a positive thing and since then the most frustrating thing I've found is how much people resist it, or find it suspect. I don't generally "mean" anything by my affection, I don't necessarily expect reciprocation or anything, really. I love because I do, because it's a pleasant and positive thing, and honest love doesn't look for reimbursement.


08. "Ugly Side" by Blue October

I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
Not my ugly side

I'm not the person I want to be. Sometimes, I don't think I'm the person people think I am. I'm with me all the time, and I know my every failing, every smudge on my soul. And sometimes it feels like I'm hiding a whole side of myself. The side that I'd rather I didn't have.


09. "Pure" by Gary Numan

I want to feel your innocence
...
I want to be your only sin
...
I want to dip your wings in blood
And watch an angel bleed for me.

I imagine we all have our dark desires. I tend not to talk about mine.


10. "Kick Some Ass" by Stroke Nine

I used to be a nerd, grew up in the suburbs
Nothing that ever went wrong, made it up in this song
...
How many people want to kick some ass?
Well I would if I could but I'm really just a sensitive artist
Perpetrated like I am the hardest

I haven't decided really where this song fits in. It's got layers to it, in a way. It's an honest song. It admits to the fact that my life has not been hard, that I've grown up generally happy in middle America. It talks about posing, wearing masks to make ourselves look like who we want to be; I think that's a running theme in this mix, and in my life in general. But Stroke Nine is also one of the angrier bands I listen to, and this song makes reference to the fact that if you mess with the ones I love you invoke my ire.


11. "Scars" by Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

The chorus is what gets this song on the list (and that's really about it). I've always been a kind of sensitive guy; when I was 12 or so, my mom tells me, I would cry at the drop of a hat. I still recognize that I attach very easily emotionally, and that's lead to more than a little tearing over the years. Sometimes I even think that things would be easier if I just didn't care as much as I do -- if I were as Stone Cold as I sometimes pretend to be. And standing just besides that is a reference to my philosophy on pain, that I wouldn't be who I am and where I am if not for the trials I've undergone and the pain I've endured. Sometimes I think I almost treasure the heartache I've suffered; it's like an old friend.


12. "Legion" by VNV Nation

Engage an impulse to pretend
I have a faith that's pure.
Not forgetting what it means to dream.
Indulging everything.
Entertaining thoughts that I've the strength
of those I yearn to be.

This song was chosen because, as highlighted above, it talks about how I'm not who I want to be, but I'm trying to match my ideals. There's almost a hint of "you're fooling yourself," though. Later it speaks of fear of the unknown, and maintaining your beliefs in the face of that fear, and maybe just a little insecurity. That resonates with me.


13. "Drive" by Asseblage 23

Sometimes I drive to run from all my demons
Sometimes I drive so I can be alone
Sometimes I drive to see the world in different light
Sometimes I drive for no reason at all

I love driving. I got my license on December 24, 1999 and it was the first and greatest step into independence. I was being homeschooled at the time and had a full-time job at a bagel shop. I would leave home in the morning and have the entire day to myself, and my car let me go wherever I cared to whenever I wanted to. Later, I regularly took trips between DC and Richmond to see my girlfriend, and weekend trips to see Leslie in West Virginia. Driving has so many good memories attached to it, and I just feel so free and alive with the windows down and the radio up. It's refreshing, it's soothing.


14. "When I Get My" by Noam Weinstein

Yes, everything's gonna be much better
When I get my shit together
Oh oh so oh so much better
When I get my shit together
Until it all comes to a terrible end
When I fall apart again

I struggled a little bit with this one, but I think it fits. It's a rather upbeat "I'll make it someday" song, describing how everything will be great at some undetermined future time. I feel like that, sometimes, that everything's going to be OK, and I can see my house and wife and grandkids. In the song and in my thoughts, it seems *just* out of reach, just around the corner. But what I really like about this song is the cyclic end-note; just like I get my highs, I can get lows, too, when everything looks like it's falling down.


15. "Mayonnaise" by Smashing Pumpkins

Can anybody hear me?
I just want to be me.
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

This song strikes me as profound in ways that I can't really express. Smashing Pumpkins has always been notorious in my book for mumbling their songs, so you should go look up the lyrics to see what he's saying, but really... I think this one song is the whole of the mix in microcosm. "I fail but when I can, I will. Try to understand that when I can, I will."


16. "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile

My life has always been a bit cyclic, though especially of late I've been sensitive the the highs and lows that I go through. I can be on the top of the world one day and in the darkest pits that same night, only to come back up to the top as the sun rises. As the song says, though, I still fight, and I still put on a smile and get through as best I can. "You'll be positive though it hurts," because sometimes that's the only way to keep moving forward.


17. "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

I generally believe that unless I do something, unless I cause things to happen, they won't get done. I am where I am because I've put myself here, for better and for worse. I am a proud man. This song speaks to that pride, and my desire to be rid of it, to be a better person, to live up to my own ideals. It also speaks to my repeated failures at doing just that. It's a sad but hopeful song.

Comments

[surichan.livejournal.com]

Finally getting around to downloading these, even though I got your e-mail about the mix two days ago. :P Still honored that you used so many of my choices in this. It seems like it'll be a really good mix. I'll transfer it to iSuck as soon as I get the time.

::hugs::