I should have waited until after my birthday to email her.

[jackofallgeeks]

So. Kira's been quiet for the last couple of months. I emailed her in March, and again in April, and one last time just a day or so ago. Today I got a response from her, but hardly the sort I was hoping to get (though, in part, exactly what I was expecting). She apologized and said that she hadn't been ignoring me on purpose, just that she was busy with life and work and hardly had time to keep up with her local friends, let alone "someone I haven't met." She said she didn't see "us" going anywhere, just wasn't feeling a connection, and didn't want to lead me on. So ends another relationship.

I can't say I'm not disappointed. I'm very disappointed. Partly because, yeah, she was a nice girl and, I don't know, I liked the potential I saw there, and I feel like (once again) I'm not really being given a fair trial, but... It's just that it's always like this, more or less. In the last few years I've met several girls who were really nice and things seemed to be going well, and then... not. And I'm just tired. I'm frustrated and discouraged and disappointed and... tired.

Being single's nice. For what it's worth I've been enjoying myself. But it's not what I want. And yeah, maybe part of my problem is that I just want to hard, but that doesn't change the fact that when I sit and think of what I want to do with my life, "raise a family" is at the top of the list. It always has been. I can't not want it.

I just wish it didn't always feel like I was being left behind.

Comments

[dikaiosunh.livejournal.com]

Take my liberal-minded two cents for what it's worth... and anyway, serious discussion of the issues may not be what you're needing right now, so feel free to skip this.

I have to admit, the idea of making "raising a family" a goal in and of itself is a bit hard to get my head around. It's not because I don't see it as a worthy sort of thing to do - in fact, I plan to do it myself (though probably a smaller one than the one you're planning). And, if I never had the opportunity to do so, I imagine it's the sort of thing that I'd regret on my deathbed.

But that strikes me as a bit different than making it one's *goal*. Raising a family isn't a goal for my life to which M is a necessary accoutrement. It's a goal we have for our life.

I guess it feels to me like it puts other people into a very instrumental sort of position. Instead of "I have met this person and am in love with her and raising a family seems like the sort of thing it would be nice to do with her," it becomes, "I would like to have a family therefore I will see who I can meet who is willing to go along with it" - it looks like spending time with someone, building that relationship, is a means to an end rather than being the point itself. It's like looking for a friend to take a vacation with rather than taking a vacation with someone because s/he's your friend.

Plus, what are you, 24? According to THE INTERNET (encarta, to be precise), the median marriage age for men in the US was 26.8 in 2000 (and I know it's higher among folks with advanced degrees, though I can't find those statistics right now; plus, I'm betting it's higher for straight men in tech fields whose major hobbies include gaming, just because you tend to meet a smaller pool of women) (on the plus side, divorce rates for folks with higher education are WAY lower). So you're not left behind yet. 2.8 years is plenty of time to find a fiancee.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I can't make an appropriate response at the moment; I'd like to, rational discussion is something I can make sense of. I have no defense against emotions and, unfortunate3ly, they're keeping me from making any kind of a reasonable reply.

As a point, yes I want to raise a family, and yes that's important to me, but... -shrugs- I can't express myself. I imagine you wouldn't say I'm foolish for looking for someone to share my life with. That's in there as much as raising a family. So are a lot of things. It's just that family is and always has been the most important thing in my life. It's important to me the way career or research or fame might be important to other people. It's what gives my life meaning. I can't express myself. I'm not looking for just anyone to bear my children, that's only a small piece of what I want for my life. But it is a piece of what I want, and... now I'm rambling again.

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

Yes, as of tomorrow I'll be 24. And yeah, that's below the average and, statistically, I'm doing alright. In fact, on paper I'm doing more than alright, because in a few months I'll have a Master's degree and a job paying upper-middle class salary. I'm doing better than many on paper, arguably better than most as I'll come out with no more debt than my Bachelor's degree earned me. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm lonely, and it's not any more comforting that, as you said, single guys with higher education who spend their time gaming don't meet very many women. Never mind the fact that there's a certain type of woman I'm interested in, and that she has to be interested in me, and even *then* it's not a sure deal. The odds just seem stacked against me no matter how you slice it.

[dikaiosunh.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. I'll dispense with the rational argument for the moment. I know rejection sucks (trust me, I KNOW).

[jackofallgeeks.livejournal.com]

I trust you do; you and I aren't so different. -smirk- And I mean that in a good way.

[aurora-nebulosa.livejournal.com]

I myself have been single through 4 years of undegrad and 2 years of graduate school...and the university I'm presently attending is HUGE with a lot of options, if you know what I mean. Of course, in my case, the problem probably rests more on my own choices than on those of anyone else. I am far too devoted to my studies to throw a relationship into the mix...not to mention the fact that I am an utter control Freak about my time, my plans, etc. Third, I am far from the "social butterfly" that everyone around me has tried to make me into; I'm very reserved, introspective. Fourth, my standards are far too high; I have this completely "romantic" view of what the perfect mate should be and, if I detect any fault whatsoever, that's it, you know? As far as my standards go, any man who seems to fit at least the majority of them is either take or homosexual. *slight grin* But, I'll stop ranting now. In any case, singleness isn't always bad; it gives you more time to do other things (coming from a gal, one of whose priorities is, as is yours, to get married/raise a family some day).

[singinteenangst.livejournal.com]

this is gonna douns weird, but i can relate...in a different field.

i don't want to be an actress, but i want to be taken seriously when i choose to dally in acting. but i feel like since i'm not in an acting program, people write me off. and maybe i'm just not as talented as i think i am, but there i times when i'm not even given the chance to read for a role that i know i could bring a lot to. and it's frustrating, because i'm happy doing other things, but i WANT it so bad sometimes.

of course, your situation is closer to your ultimate, "Personal Legend", if you will. (i'm reading the Alchemist right now). but i feel you man. especially since i thought acting was my Personal Legend for so long. life is a confusing bitch. but i love you!